Tag: songwriting

He’s Going in for Tests

There’s a hospital admission
In the second edition
As his grip is slipping on the reins of power
It’s his chest
He’s going in for tests

He’s not discharged
Says he’s still in charge
But lurking is Raab named number two
Not the best
He’s going in for tests

When Boris Johnson masturbates, he’s imagines he’s Winston Churchill
But when his D-day landing moment came, he was quite ill
And as the reins of power are starting to slip from his grasp
He’s pondering the wisdom of Last Gasp

He has little clue
And he’s flippant too
Now it’s number two at the conference
Facing the press
He’s going in for tests

With your coughing head
From your hospital bed
You can’t get ahead
Of the crisis
They professed
He’s going in for tests

When Boris Johnson masturbates, he’s imagines he’s Winston Churchill
But when his D-day landing moment came, he was quite ill
And as the reins of power are starting to slip from his grasp
He’s pondering the wisdom of Last Gasp

There’s a hospital admission
In the second edition
And his hand is slipping under his gown
You’ll understand
He’s got time on his hands

When Boris Johnson masturbates, he’s imagines he’s Winston Churchill
But when his D-day landing moment came, he was quite ill
And as the reins of power are starting to slip from his grasp
He’s pondering the wisdom of Last Gasp

by Categories: COVID-19, Lyrics, SteveTags: , , , , , , 1 Comment

Just Another Day in Quarantine

He was a handful before the lockdown came
But now he’s stuck indoors
Drinking ‘cos he’s bored
A handful before the lockdown came
Now he don’t get to see his mates
And that means there’s no escape for her
For her

He was a handful before the lockdown came
Now he’s like: Don’t come near me
With that cough
He was a handful before the lockdown came
I wish you and the kids
Would just fuck off
Is what he says to her
To her

She’s another victim of the virus
Unintended consequences, hazards unforeseen
Just another day in quarantine

He was a handful before the lockdown came
She’d get the occasional bruise
To show for it
He was a handful before the lockdown came
Now he’s stuck indoors
With no one else to hit, except her
Just her

She’s another victim of the virus
Unintended consequences, hazards unforeseen
Just another day in quarantine

He was a handful before the lockdown came
But now he’s drinking silently
Not coping with his anxiety
A handful before the lockdown came
Now he’s getting out of control
And there’s nowhere else to go for her
For her

She’s another victim of the virus
Unintended consequences, hazards unforeseen
Between four walls there’s no such thing as social distancing
Just another day in quarantine

by Categories: COVID-19, Lyrics, SteveTags: , , , , , 1 Comment

59 Billionaires

There’s 59 billionaires in this country
Are they standing up doing their bit?
While Hancock had a go at premiership stars
He let the real rich off with it

59 billionaires
59 billionaires
59 billionaires
59 billionaires

There’s 59 billionaires in this country
Between ‘em got a bob or two
So, in this hour of national crisis
What do you think that they’re up to?

Branson, he’s worth his own 5 billion
Held his hand out for seven more
Phil and Tina Green, retail king and queen
Shut the pension scheme at the store

Richard Desmond, from the gutter press
Is running scare stories in the Daily Express
And Dyson who took his firm over the border
Got himself a nice little government order

59 billionaires
59 billionaires
59 billionaires
59 billionaires

There’s 59 billionaires in this country
59 trough meets snout
59 billion doing quite nicely
And they’re just the ones that I know about

59 billionaires
59 billionaires
59 billionaires
59 billionaires

by Categories: COVID-19, Lyrics, SteveTags: , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Goats!

What happens, when you stay in your room?
What happens, when everyone else does too?
What happens, in the doom and gloom?
You know that nature abhors a vaccum

Goats! Standing on our cars
Goats! Eating stuff that ours
Goats! Great Orme goats at large
In Llandudno, the goats are in charge.

What happens, by the Welsh seaside?
What happens, when everyone stays inside?
What happens, when you’re forced to hide?
A vacuum that nature can’t abide

Goats! Standing on our cars
Goats! Eating stuff that ours
Goats! Great Orme goats at large
In Llandudno, the goats are in charge.

What happens, by the Summit Hotel?
What happens, outside your house as well?
What happens, what’s that farmyard smell?
It’s Mother Nature starting to rebel

Goats! Standing on our cars
Goats! Eating stuff that ours
Goats! Great Orme goats at large
In Llandudno, the goats are in charge.

Goats! An imported species
Goats! From the hills visiting the beaches
Goats! With their Kashmiri fleeces
In Llandudno, the goats are in charge

Goats! Standing on our cars
Goats! Eating stuff that ours
Goats! Great Orme goats at large
In Llandudno, the goats are in charge.

goats

by Categories: COVID-19, Lyrics, SteveTags: , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Fly ‘Em Home

They were on the beach when the border closed
The trip of a lifetime they supposed
Cut short when the lockdown
Was imposed

Can they get to the airport, get on a plane?
Someone official needs to explain
Someone official needs to help
To get’em home

Fly ‘em home, to a country that won’t test ‘em
Home, to a country that knows best, and
Home to a country, stressed
By captivity

Fly ‘em home to lousy isolation
Home, to a divided nation
Home, to friends, relations
That they can’t see

Masked and gloved the driver came
At the airport they were all dressed the same
Waiting for a flight
To the infected zone

Tuned in to the expert’s soothing words
And the journalist’s questions dodged, deferred
The death toll’s rising
But they’re going home

Fly ‘em home, to a country that won’t test ‘em
Home, to a country that knows best, and
Home to a country, stressed
By captivity

Fly ‘em home to lousy isolation
Home, to a divided nation
Home, to friends, relations
That they can’t see

by Categories: COVID-19, Lyrics, SteveTags: , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Dominic Ran Away

 

Away run away, an adviser fleet of feet
Bag over his shoulder, fleeing Downing Street
Away run away, keep the infected at bay
Cos Dominic Cummings has upped and run away

Boris said he’s got it and Hancock’s coughing too
What’s a brave political adviser to do?
There’s government to govern and important things to say
But Dominic Cummings has upped and run away

Away run away, an adviser fleet of feet
Bag over his shoulder, fleeing Downing Street
Away run away, keep the infected at bay
Cos Dominic Cummings has upped and run away

He’s the man behind the plan of herd immunity
He said there’s nowt to fear for the majority
But now his boss has got it he’s looking rather grey
And Dominic Cummings has upped and run away

Away run away, an adviser fleet of feet
Bag over his shoulder, fleeing Downing Street
Away run away, keep the infected at bay
Cos Dominic Cummings has upped and run away

They say that a crisis is a making of a man
So where the hell was Cummings when the shit hit the fan
His boss was shaking hands with patients yesterday
Now Dominic Cummings has upped and run away

Away run away, an adviser fleet of feet
Bag over his shoulder, fleeing Downing Street
Away run away, keep the infected at bay
Cos Dominic Cummings has upped and run away

by Categories: COVID-19, SteveTags: , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Mild Symptoms

Charlie’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And Boris has got ‘em (mild symptoms)
Now Matt’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And they all got tested too

Matt says that he’s working from home
He says that you should too
But you can’t build luxury flats on the phone
You still have to get on the tube

Charlie’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And Boris has got ‘em (mild symptoms)
Now Matt’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And they all got tested too

Boris says he’s working from home
He’s urging you to do the same
But you can’t fix washing machines on the phone
And stayin’ home just won’t pay

Charlie’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And Boris has got ‘em (mild symptoms)
Now Matt’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And they all got tested too

Charlie’s working from one of his homes
But his staff don’t get a say
He can be the heir to the throne on the phone
‘Cos no-one’s listening anyway

Charlie’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And Boris has got ‘em (mild symptoms)
Now Matt’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And they all got tested too

Mild symptoms – not everybody gets ‘em
Mild symptoms – nor the level of protection
Mild symptoms – and tests for politicians
But not for the nurses or the clinicians

Charlie’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And Boris has got ‘em (mild symptoms)
Now Matt’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And they all got tested too
They all got tested too

by Categories: COVID-19, SteveTags: , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Charlie’s Got The Virus

Charlie’s got the virus
He’s seventy-one
Just as well it’s a while since he’s seen his mum
Charlies got the virus
He’s working from home
He’s got plenty of staff
So he’s not alone Yeah

Charlie’s got the virus
Charlie’s got the virus
Charlie’s got the virus
Now he knows what it’s like to be us

Charlie got tested
He’s important you see
Like a football player in division three
Charlie got tested
Though his cough is mild
He’s had the best care since he was a child

Yeah Charlie’s got the virus
Charlie’s got the virus
Charlie’s got the virus
Now he knows what it’s like to be us

Charlie’s had the virus
Since the 12th or thereabouts
He’s had it since speaking at the Mansion House
Charlies got the virus Like thousands of folk
But got treated much better as a royal bloke

Yeah Charlie’s got the virus
Charlie’s got the virus
Charlie’s got the virus
Now he knows what it’s like to be us

by Categories: COVID-19, SteveTags: , , , , , , 1 Comment

Mother’s Day in the Johnson House

It’s Mother’s Day in the Johnson house
That’s six different kids from three different mothers
Mother’s Day in the Johnson house
And Carrie’s about to become another

There’s four kids with Marina
And one with Helen
Another one about which
He’s just not tellin’
And one on the way
That’ll make seven
Its Mother’s Day alright

Its Mother’s Day in the Johnson house
She’s a successful painter who’s 77
Mother’s Day in the Johnson house
Looking forward to an expensive present

He said “Not just a card,
Not just flowers”
I’m going to exercise
Emergency powers
People won’t see their mums
But I might see ours
Its Mother’s Day alright

Its Mother’s Day in the Johnson house
And staying away is good advice
Mother’s Day in the Johnson house
This year’s could come with a heavy price
It’s Mother’s Day alright.

by Categories: COVID-19, SteveTags: , , , , , 1 Comment

Nudge

 

Three cheers for the PM off the quiz show.
Covering our wages while on furlough.
But why didn’t he do it three weeks ago?
Instead mostly we just get nudge.
Nudge.

Three cheers for the PM off the quiz show
Who didn’t listen to the WHO.
We’re standing on the precipice, don’t you know?
And mostly we just get nudge.
Nudge.

Three cheers for the PM off the quiz show,
For shutting Bannatynes, the Rose, and Cargo.
But I read it first in the Metro
‘Cos mostly we just get nudge.
Nudge.

Nudge:
Makes you think that your neighbours are your judge.
Nudge:
Designed to make your opinion slightly budge.
Nudge:
Is Cumming’s tool but it’s used too much.
Nudge:
When you need leadership but just get fudge.

Three cheers for the PM of the shit show.
The cracks are appearing in the braggadocio.
The tube is as dangerous as the siege of Jericho.
Let the passengers off, or just nudge.
Nudge.

by Categories: COVID-19, Lyrics, poetry, SteveTags: , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment