Spaffer Fixes Bayonets

Spaffer and Allegra were bright young things
Oxford’s future queens and kings
It wasn’t long ‘til they exchanged rings
But while he was seein’ her
Along came Marina
And Spaffer fixed his bayonet and went over the top

Marina gave him daughters, Marina gave him sons
Lara and Milo were the first ones
Marina must’ve thought that she was the one
But he ain’t that kinda fella
Along came Petronella
And Spaffer fixed his bayonet and went over the top

Marina threw him out but soon had him back
Spaffer must’ve thought it one helluva craic
She’d have more to fend off than a single attack
Because actually
Along came Anna Fazackerly
And Spaffer fixed his bayonet and went over the top

Two more with Marina, Cassie and Theodore
For those keeping count, that makes four
But Spaffer’s lift won’t stay on the ground floor
Soon, along came Helen
And he refixed his weapon
Spaffer fixed his bayonet and went over the top

Helen was the latest focus of his seduction
But when Stephanie was born he tried to seek an injuction
He didn’t want the public aware of their production
And Marina was yet to discover
An as yet unnamed lover
As Spaffer fixed his bayonet and went over the top

‘Cos Spaffer weren’t about to take a break from play
Although rumours of another child remain vague
A subject on which he has little to say
But while he’s still married
Its time to introduce Carrie
And Spaffer fixed his bayonet and went over the top

Now Spaffer’s hoping things with the kids are reconciled
As Carrie is the mother of his latest child
Thinking this must be the end of his days being wild
But the question on everyone’s minds
How long ‘til the next time
That Spaffer fixes bayonets and goes over the top
Spaffer fixes bayonets and goes over the top
Spaffer fixes bayonets and goes over the top
Spaffer just can’t stop

Baby Boris is Born

In an imaginary pub, open during lockdown.

“I had no idea she was that pregnant, to be honest.”

“No?”

“No. Well I thought, what with him nearly dying and rising again at Easter, that Baby Boris would be putting in an appearance at Christmas.”

“Christmas! You’re a one! She’d hardly be pregnant at all if she wasn’t due until Christmas.”

“Ah, I guess so, just me being poetic. But anyway, what are they going to call her now?”

“It’s a baby boy!”

“No, not the baby, her, what’s her name, Carrie.”

“What do you mean, what are we going to call Carrie?”

“Well she’s always been Pregnant Girlfriend Carrie or Pregnant Fiancée Carrie, she’s going to need a new nickname now. Baby Mother Carrie, maybe.”

“Don’t be so daft, she doesn’t need giving a nickname.”

“Not by you maybe, but the press will. She’ll be defined by her relationship to himself, what with him being the prime minister and everything.”

“Oh.”

“Think about it. It happens all the time. Tell you what, I’ll list all the women owners of the mainstream British media.”

“Go on then.”

“I just did. Want me to do it again?”

“Oh. I see. I think.”

“Anyway, bless the child being born a boy. If she was a girl the papers would definitely have christened her Corona.”

“Ah, yeah. Or maybe Covidia, that sounds posher.”

“Poor bastard’s going to end up christened Boris Winston Brexit Johnson isn’t he?”

“Yeah, probably.”

“Same again?”

Daily Press Briefing, 28th April 2020 (Matt Hancock)

Amanda from Hull asked a really good question.
She didn’t get an answer to it.
Sadie was told thanks for her question
And she’s just going to have to stick with it.
It’s working well, these questions from the public.

And back to the press.

Hugh Pym wants to know about PPE:
Thank you Hugh, it’s incredibly important to me.
We’re moving heaven and earth
To be more effective,
Your assessment isn’t fair and objective.
PPE availability’s confined
To the agreed guidelines.
There’s a global shortage too.
Thanks Hugh.

Paul Brand, can’t hear your audio.
Here he is: The crisis in the care sector? Have a heart!
Of course, they’ve been a priority from the start
But please
They’re the most vulnerable to the disease
We’ve strengthened the rules on infection control (eventually)
And made testing available (eventually)
We’re now publishing the daily data (eventually)
My principle is to be transparent
But the deaths are going up daily!
They’re a top priority.
Here’s an expert.

Nick Martin from Sky:
Care home deaths
Are at 23% of hospital deaths.
Not saying that this is normal,
The number of deaths in care homes about one sixth in total.
Its an absolute focus in broad context.
Make of that what you will.

Ben Kentish.

No wait a follow up: You didn’t do your best.
You knew this was a high-risk area
But no PPE or tests.
And deaths in care homes seemed to take you by surprise.
I think you should apologise.
I know you care a lot about this
But you’re being unreasonable.
We always knew about care homes
But getting the data was unfeasible.
They’ve been in the front of my mind from the start,
The age profile sets them apart,
People are more frail and more at risk so we’re discerning.
Its been a huge challenge but we’re constantly learning.
So, Nick Martin from Sky,
In this session,
I dispute your question
Here’s an expert.

Ben Kentish:
You’re following the science
But why no facemasks in public?
Should there be some compliance?
And should we be
Disinfecting deliveries?
Our position hasn’t changed
Because facemasks are weak science.
Handwashing is strong science
And easily arranged.
Here’s an expert.

Dominic Yeatman:
Why didn’t ministers
Tell care homes to ban visitors
At the same time as the hospitals
When there’s no difference in risk at all?
Collection of data is difficult
In ten thousand different organisations.
It was clinical advice
Because care homes have different expectations.

James Caven, Daily Star:
No sunbathing, but B&Q had a long queue.
What can you do and what can you not do?
And ventilator production scaled back;
Is there still a lack?
For clarity: Follow the rules, stay at home, protect the NHS.
Spare ventilators is good news, I suggest.
We’ll sell them to another country with high COVID incidence
And pay tribute to the ventilator challenge participants.

Chris Lloyd, Northern Echo:
There’s an uptick in the regions, definitely.
So, will you lift the lockdown together or separately?
And how will your help be applicable regionally?
I pay tribute to people of the north east for staying at home,
They’re very gregarious and don’t like being alone.
Economically,
Levelling up’s a top priority.
North east councils have money allocated
For fifty thousand businesses to be compensated.
Here’s an expert (on the shape of the curve).

Follow up question:
Will there be different times for easing?
We’re looking at it
But I don’t want to be teasing
Or give you false hope.
Because It’s not just the level, it’s the slope.
There could be a second peak wherever
So, we’ll do it together.

Adam Vaughan, New Scientist:
How many contact tracers have you got?
And how long until you’ve got the whole lot?
And as well as that.
What incentives are there to download the app?
Well as many as possible, as soon as possible.
That’s Not numerical, hypothetical or medical
I don’t know how many, and that’s crap
But they need to be in place in time for the app.
But never mind our procrastination,
We’ll tie downloading the app to the rules on isolation.

Well, it was great to see the New Scientist.
Your questions were terrific
And, um, scientific.
 
See you soon

Sixty Thousand Pounds

Ever wondered about the price of a human life?
Well, Hancock’s finally figured out
How many workers have died
So, if what killed you was a lack of gloves and gowns
You’re worth sixty thousand pounds

Ever wondered about the price of a human life?
Well, if you’re an economist
You should perhaps try
And if you’re killed at work by a government slow to lock down
You’re worth sixty thousand pounds

Ever wondered about the price of a human life?
Well, it’s this evening’s
Press briefing headline
So, if the government fatally let you down
You’re worth sixty thousand pounds

Holding Your Breath

Joanna’s holding it together
But she can’t keep the kids off school forever
It’s so much harder in the nice weather
Holding her breath

Some days they’re just climbing the walls
While she’s trying to make work phone calls
They can’t go and play with next door’s
Holding her breath

The first ten seconds are easy
The second ten seconds are harder
Then you’re living one second at a time
When you’re holding your breath

The first ten seconds are easy
The second ten seconds are harder
Each second after that lasts a lifetime
Holding your breath

She’s listening to the prime minster back today
The very little he had to say
She’s trying not to be afraid
And holding her breath

Shelagh Fogerty says the lockdown’s fraying
And that’s what the traffic outside is saying
Joanna finds herself praying
And holding her breath

The first ten seconds are easy
The second ten seconds are harder
Then you’re living one second at a time
When you’re holding your breath

The first ten seconds are easy
The second ten seconds are harder
Each second after that lasts a lifetime
Holding your breath

Each second after that lasts a lifetime
When you’re holding your breath

The Prime Minister Prepares to Return to Work

I’m coming back to work, and I need to know
That’s everything’s gonna be okay
So tell me my cabinet colleagues
What did you do while I was away?

Right, right, OK
Right, right, OK

Tell us Michael, you had a plan
To run things pretty hot
Tell us Michael about the plan
What sort of numbers have we got?

Well boss the plan’s killed 20000 people
We said we’d do well to stay under that number
The plan’s killed over 20000 people
Running hot might’ve been a blunder

Right, right, OK
Right, right, OK

Tell us Matt you had a plan
To sort out PPE
Tell us Matt you had a plan
What improvements have you seen?

Well boss there still ain’t quite enough
If I’m honest I’m starting to lose it
Even with all this military stuff
I didn’t expect the nurses to actually use it

Right, right, OK
Right, right, OK

Does anyone have a bit of good news?
Does anyone have a bit of good news?
Does anybody have a bit of good news?
Yes Priti?

Well boss I’m pleased to report
I’ve driven shoplifting down
Boss without any support
I’ve driven shoplifting down

Right, right, OK
Right, right, OK

That it?

Corona Universe

fury

The government have called in NERVTAG
The government have called in SAGE
The government have called in SPIB and SPIM
As the virus continues to rage
So when the government meet at COBRA
And tell us they’re calling in SHIELD
You’ll know they’ve really lost it
If they think Fury’s the real deal.

Jason and the Virus

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Jason woke up thinking about the virus. He realised that he went to bed every night and woke up every morning doing the same. His work, done almost exclusively from home, involved modifying his employer’s business in response to the virus and while he was doing it he’d be listening to radio phone-in shows which inevitably had only one topic of conversation: the virus.

Jason thought about Joanna. They seemed to be coping well with the sudden changes in theirs and the children’s lives, not like some couples that you read about when they start spending more time together in retirement. He wondered if she thought about the virus all the time too. He wondered if he should ask her.

Jason thought about wildlife. He’d seen the pictures of the Great Orme goats wandering freely around the empty streets of Llandudno and thought that the lockdown did at least bring some good news for them, the foxes not being chased, the grouse not being shot, and the news that work on a potential vaccine had gone straight to human trials without being tested on animals. He wondered if there were animals being born now who wouldn’t understand what the world is like when it’s full of humans.

Jason wondered if his problem wasn’t fear of the virus so much, although you heard some terrifying stories, but more the uncertainty. Would things ever go back to normal? What would the new normal be like? The old normal was far from perfect after all. How long would we be locked down for and could we all cope? The uncertainty was definitely being fed by government, representatives of whom flatly refused to speculate on the future during the increasingly cut-and-paste daily press briefings. The media accused the government of secrecy and incompetence, the government said they were following the science.

It was an easy cop out at the press conference, to deflect any difficult questions to a nearby scientist; Grant Shapps had even done it when asked about Donald Trump’s off the cuff question to his own advisers about injecting disinfectant into COVID patients’ lungs, but in truth the decision makers were the politicians not the scientists and rumours that the Prime Minister’s notorious political adviser, Dominic Cummings, was attending meetings of the scientific advisory group worried Jason.

He also worried that talk of following the science was never backed up with any reference to papers, or research, just to “science”; well other than the leaked Imperial College report that lead to a change in strategy when it revealed that 250,000 people might die if the government persisted in trying to build herd immunity. If Jason understood politics or science at all, then there should some scientific work on which this was all based and if there was, it should be accessible.

He wan’t wrong 1. What he found was a jumble of acronyms that would be just as at home in the Marvel universe: NERVTAG, SAGE, SPIM and SPIB and a mixture of scientific papers mostly epidemiology, and behavioural science reports that read more like editorials or opinion pieces than research. He found evidence that the government had always planned a lockdown of 8-13 weeks but also evidence supporting some of the things that they’d said. He wondered why the press weren’t holding more of this up to public scrutiny.

Jason realised that he had some reading to do.

1. Scientific Advisory Group for Emergencies (SAGE): Coronavirus (COVID-19) response

Sunshine and Disinfectant

He’s used to selling you steak
He’s used to selling you real estate
He’s trying to make America great
Land of the free

Dr Trump v. the invisible killer
Dr Trump’s gonna kill it quicker
Dr Trump’s got all the medicine that you need
He’s got
Sunshine and disinfectant (He’s selling you)
Sunshine and disinfectant (He’s telling you)
Sunshine and disinfectant
For all your COVID needs

He’s used to selling the brand
There’s Trump labelled buildings throughout the land
He’s trying to make America grand
Land of the free

Dr Trump v. the invisible killer
Dr Trump’s gonna kill it quicker
Dr Trump’s got all the medicine that you need
He’s got
Sunshine and disinfectant (He’s selling you)
Sunshine and disinfectant (He’s telling you)
Sunshine and disinfectant
For all your COVID needs

Inject yourself with disinfectant
Take a dose of hydroxychloroquine
Give yourself a blast of UV light
To be free

Dr Trump’s v. the invisible killer
Dr Trump’s gonna kill it quicker
Dr Trumps got all the medicine that you need
He’s got
Sunshine and disinfectant (He’s selling you)
Sunshine and disinfectant (He’s telling you)
Sunshine and disinfectant
For all your COVID needs
Sunshine and disinfectant (He’s selling you)
Sunshine and disinfectant (He’s telling you)
Sunshine and disinfectant
For all your COVID needs
For all your COVID needs

St. George’s Day 2020

St George is working in the hospital
Some days there’s little protection at all
If it weren’t so dangerous it’d be comical
It’s what he’s doing here

St George is working in the care home
Now that the residents are all alone
Providing care and comfort in the infected zone
That’s what he’s doing here

St George is tryin’ to be braver
St George is your neighbour
St George is unskilled labour
That’s the face of a patron saint

St George is working in the supermarket
He ain’t had a day off since it all started
Sorting the shelves and the trolley park
It’s what he’s doing here

St George is working emptying the bins
St George is working in the school kitchen
It’s your online shopping that George is drivin’
That’s what he’s doing here

St George is having to be braver
St George is your neighbour
St George is unskilled labour
That’s the face of a patron saint

St George ain’t gonna go to work today
There’s no urgency to have a dragon slayed
St George can claim 80% of his pay
That’s what he’s doing here

St George ain’t in the queue at B&Q
His old sword will work when he needs it to
He knows staying at home’s still a smart move
That’s what he’s doing here

St George is having to be braver
St George is your neighbour
St George is unskilled labour
That’s the face of a patron saint

Look in the faces of your carers and your cleaners
Your doctors and nurses, drivers and teachers
Trying to stay safe from the coughing and the fevers
That’s what he’s doing here
That’s what he’s doing here

St George is having to be braver
St George is your neighbour
St George is unskilled labour
That’s the face of a patron saint

Look in the faces of your carers and your cleaners
Your doctors and nurses, drivers and teachers
Trying to stay safe from the coughing and the fevers
That’s what he’s doing here
That’s what he’s doing here