Money Goes to Money

They’re running rather than getting beat
They’re starting to vote with their feet
The rats are leaving faster than the ship can sink
Like their shit doesn’t stink
Like their shit ain’t on the brink
Like it ain’t shit to think
That money goes to money is okay
That money goes to money is the only way
That money goes to money
Goes to money goes to money

Meanwhile in an imaginary navy
Penny’s insincere smile
Mouths coyly look at me
Admire my philanthropy
Admire my new food pantry
While opposing free school meals
Don’t that just hit you in the feels?
A proper Scrooge turned fake Marley
As the money goes to money
Goes to money goes to money

The posties on the picket know
They’ve got to hold the line
Firefighters, nurses, teachers
Among the left behind
As the money goes to money
And the warm bank number grows
The money goes to money
And the pubs begin to close
As the money goes to money
Goes to money goes to money

They ain’t here to manage the crisis
Just the TV news
This morning’s media message is
Another excuse to bruise
The money goes to money
As they put the word about
That there ain’t no money
You’ll just have to do without
As the money goes to money
Goes to money goes to money

Lynch’s mob don’t need to strike
The train’s already fucked
And Mrs Smith’s replacement hips
Well, she’s just out of luck
Hancock, pushed, jumped anyway
Says he’s still got lots to say
Not even in opposition
Would there be a point to listen
While the money goes to money
Goes to money goes to money

The money knows no borders
The money knows no shame
The money only hears the sighs
Of the rich who coo its name
Like Michelle, Robber Baroness
The PPE millionairess
Banished as Rishi fakes it tough
She’ll be back soon enough
As the money goes to money
Goes to money goes to money

Money goes to money
While the rest get less and less
Money goes to money
What a fuckin’ mess

Killing People’s Okay, But Kissing Them Isn’t

Killing people’s okay
But kissing ’em isn’t.
Give your girl a job,
But make sure you keep her distant
Workplace lovin’
Brings a certain frisson
But killing people’s okay
And kissing ‘em isn’t

Hopeless Hancock had his cake and ate it
Gave his girl a job, but now he might regret it
If there’s a prize for incompetence, you think he’d probably get it
But give ‘em extra marital, they won’t let you forget it

Professor Lockdown will tell ya, “It happened to me”.
But Hopeless don’t take advice easily.
Although he hands out contracts to friends and family
It’s about him and Gina: Stars of CCTV

‘Cos sex sells papers, I’m sure you understand
We live in saucy seaside postcard land
It’s Carry On Government at it’s most grand
And Hands Face Arse might get him banned

Baby Boris is Born

In an imaginary pub, open during lockdown.

“I had no idea she was that pregnant, to be honest.”


“No. Well I thought, what with him nearly dying and rising again at Easter, that Baby Boris would be putting in an appearance at Christmas.”

“Christmas! You’re a one! She’d hardly be pregnant at all if she wasn’t due until Christmas.”

“Ah, I guess so, just me being poetic. But anyway, what are they going to call her now?”

“It’s a baby boy!”

“No, not the baby, her, what’s her name, Carrie.”

“What do you mean, what are we going to call Carrie?”

“Well she’s always been Pregnant Girlfriend Carrie or Pregnant Fiancée Carrie, she’s going to need a new nickname now. Baby Mother Carrie, maybe.”

“Don’t be so daft, she doesn’t need giving a nickname.”

“Not by you maybe, but the press will. She’ll be defined by her relationship to himself, what with him being the prime minister and everything.”


“Think about it. It happens all the time. Tell you what, I’ll list all the women owners of the mainstream British media.”

“Go on then.”

“I just did. Want me to do it again?”

“Oh. I see. I think.”

“Anyway, bless the child being born a boy. If she was a girl the papers would definitely have christened her Corona.”

“Ah, yeah. Or maybe Covidia, that sounds posher.”

“Poor bastard’s going to end up christened Boris Winston Brexit Johnson isn’t he?”

“Yeah, probably.”

“Same again?”