Month: March 2020

A Government Strategy Meeting

We need a better strategy Dom, said Boris
The messaging’s not going well
They’ve worked we didn’t do anything in February
We need the public under our spell

We need another Taking Back Control
We need another Get Brexit Done
What about that Levido fellow, Dom?
He’s good when spin needs to be spun

I might’ve messed it up Dom, said Boris
With that business about seeing my mother
Although Kinnock junior kinda got us out of trouble
It’s one blunder after another

Get the Vote Leave chaps in Dom, said Boris
Get us that Stephenson cove
With me and the Health Sec feverish and coughing
All we’ve got left is Gove

We need a better slogan Dom, said Boris
To cover up the mess we’ve made
Stay Home, Save Lives, Protect Our NHS?
See, that’s why you’re my favourite aide

The death toll’s rising Dom, said Boris
But your slogan’s a bit of a hit
Just keep the spin and the lies coming, Dom
And we might just get away with it.

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Dominic Ran Away

 

Away run away, an adviser fleet of feet
Bag over his shoulder, fleeing Downing Street
Away run away, keep the infected at bay
Cos Dominic Cummings has upped and run away

Boris said he’s got it and Hancock’s coughing too
What’s a brave political adviser to do?
There’s government to govern and important things to say
But Dominic Cummings has upped and run away

Away run away, an adviser fleet of feet
Bag over his shoulder, fleeing Downing Street
Away run away, keep the infected at bay
Cos Dominic Cummings has upped and run away

He’s the man behind the plan of herd immunity
He said there’s nowt to fear for the majority
But now his boss has got it he’s looking rather grey
And Dominic Cummings has upped and run away

Away run away, an adviser fleet of feet
Bag over his shoulder, fleeing Downing Street
Away run away, keep the infected at bay
Cos Dominic Cummings has upped and run away

They say that a crisis is a making of a man
So where the hell was Cummings when the shit hit the fan
His boss was shaking hands with patients yesterday
Now Dominic Cummings has upped and run away

Away run away, an adviser fleet of feet
Bag over his shoulder, fleeing Downing Street
Away run away, keep the infected at bay
Cos Dominic Cummings has upped and run away

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Tories Get Tests

Tories get tests
While the rest of us guess

The science suggests
That’s it’s for the best
The more that you test

And so, we protest
Our distress
And express
That NHS workers
Should all get the test

I must confess
It leaves me quite vexed
That Tories get tests
While the rest of us guess

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Mild Symptoms

Charlie’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And Boris has got ‘em (mild symptoms)
Now Matt’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And they all got tested too

Matt says that he’s working from home
He says that you should too
But you can’t build luxury flats on the phone
You still have to get on the tube

Charlie’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And Boris has got ‘em (mild symptoms)
Now Matt’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And they all got tested too

Boris says he’s working from home
He’s urging you to do the same
But you can’t fix washing machines on the phone
And stayin’ home just won’t pay

Charlie’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And Boris has got ‘em (mild symptoms)
Now Matt’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And they all got tested too

Charlie’s working from one of his homes
But his staff don’t get a say
He can be the heir to the throne on the phone
‘Cos no-one’s listening anyway

Charlie’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And Boris has got ‘em (mild symptoms)
Now Matt’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And they all got tested too

Mild symptoms – not everybody gets ‘em
Mild symptoms – nor the level of protection
Mild symptoms – and tests for politicians
But not for the nurses or the clinicians

Charlie’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And Boris has got ‘em (mild symptoms)
Now Matt’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And they all got tested too
They all got tested too

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Shut Down the Sites

 

A fake lockdown for the fake self-employed
In the cracks between the government guidance
In the shadows, lobbying money deployed
As contractors look after their clients
Tube trains packed with construction workers
Denied their basic rights
It’s time to take matters seriously
It’s time to shut down the sites

The prime minister corrects his speech
He’s avoiding saying “must”
The position “if you can’t work from home” is reached
It’s unfair and unjust
That works canteens are full to bursting
Infection’s a throw of the dice
It’s time to take matters seriously
It’s time to shut down the sites

They shut all the non-essential shops
And places where the people go
But non-essential work’s not stopped
‘Cos they still need their cash to flow
Support for the economy
Versus workers’ right to life
It’s time to take matters seriously
It’s time to shut down the sites

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Charlie’s Got The Virus

Charlie’s got the virus
He’s seventy-one
Just as well it’s a while since he’s seen his mum
Charlies got the virus
He’s working from home
He’s got plenty of staff
So he’s not alone Yeah

Charlie’s got the virus
Charlie’s got the virus
Charlie’s got the virus
Now he knows what it’s like to be us

Charlie got tested
He’s important you see
Like a football player in division three
Charlie got tested
Though his cough is mild
He’s had the best care since he was a child

Yeah Charlie’s got the virus
Charlie’s got the virus
Charlie’s got the virus
Now he knows what it’s like to be us

Charlie’s had the virus
Since the 12th or thereabouts
He’s had it since speaking at the Mansion House
Charlies got the virus Like thousands of folk
But got treated much better as a royal bloke

Yeah Charlie’s got the virus
Charlie’s got the virus
Charlie’s got the virus
Now he knows what it’s like to be us

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The Day the Penny Dropped

Doctors and nurses were queens and kings
The bins emptied by heroes
Post was delivered on angels’ wings
The day the penny dropped

Carers were worth their weight in gold
Teachers the new royalty
No school meal was undersold
The day the penny dropped

Kindness and respect were earned
On supermarket checkouts
And fake celebrity was spurned
The day the penny dropped

Three cheers for those who clean and build
And serve and feed and care
And no-one said the word “unskilled”
The day the penny dropped

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The List

C’mon Brits
It’s the spirit of the Blitz.
While the heroes do their bit
Here’s a list of the gits:

No sick pay at Wilko*, lay-offs at Sodhexo,
Tim Martin says that his staff can get a job at Tesco.
Libraries staying open right across academia
And Picturehouse sacked people who found out on social media.

So, c’mon Brits
It’s the spirit of the Blitz.
While the heroes do their bit
Here’s a list of the gits:

Hermes drivers isolating get twenty quid a day.
Giraffe staff use their annual leave or else they get no pay.
Aramark forced everyone into two week’s holiday
And Sports Direct’s still the worst employer in the UK.

So, c’mon Brits
It’s the spirit of the Blitz.
While the heroes do their bit
Here’s a list of the gits

JHoots pharmacy’s charging twenty quid for Calpol
And making staff take holiday was also Richard Branson’s call.
EasyJet stopped feeding theirs, but shareholders got paid
While holding out their hands for a bit of that state aid

So, c’mon Brits
It’s the spirit of the Blitz.
While the heroes do their bit
Here’s a list of the gits.

(This list, dear reader, I suspect is far from comprehensive.
The behaviour of some bosses is really quite offensive.
So, let me put it to you, clearly and concisely:
When this is over, spend your money ethically and wisely.)

(And stay out of ‘Spoons)

 

* They bowed to public pressure, eventually, and changed their minds.

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Lockdown Limbo

Lockdown limbo,
Where you gonna go?
Go to the park, no!
There’s builders still at work, though.

Lockdown limbo,
Where you gonna go?
Not staying at home
When the hairdresser don’t close.

Lockdown limbo,
Where you gonna go?
To buy a new gizmo
Or a chair for the patio?

Lockdown limbo,
Where you gonna go?
There’s planes in the air, so
There’s clearly no embargo.

Lockdown limbo,
Where you gonna go?
Greggs is gonna close
But Smiths still says no.

Lockdown limbo?
It’s coronavirus bingo

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