Killing People’s Okay, But Kissing Them Isn’t

Killing people’s okay
But kissing ’em isn’t.
Give your girl a job,
But make sure you keep her distant
Workplace lovin’
Brings a certain frisson
But killing people’s okay
And kissing ‘em isn’t

Hopeless Hancock had his cake and ate it
Gave his girl a job, but now he might regret it
If there’s a prize for incompetence, you think he’d probably get it
But give ‘em extra marital, they won’t let you forget it

Professor Lockdown will tell ya, “It happened to me”.
But Hopeless don’t take advice easily.
Although he hands out contracts to friends and family
It’s about him and Gina: Stars of CCTV

‘Cos sex sells papers, I’m sure you understand
We live in saucy seaside postcard land
It’s Carry On Government at it’s most grand
And Hands Face Arse might get him banned

Pandemic Posts, Songs and Poems: The Full List

  1. Quarantine the Queen
  2. Cull the Herd
  3. A Period of Great Concern
  4. Bog Roll Billionaire
  5. Nudge
  6. The Lockdown
  7. Mother’s Day in the Johnson House
  8. Lockdown Limbo
  9. The List
  10. The Day the Penny Dropped
  11. Charlie’s Got the Virus
  12. Shut Down the Sites
  13. Mild Symptoms
  14. Tories Get Tests
  15. Dominic Ran Away
  16. A Government Strategy Meeting
  17. The Lockdown, Week Two
  18. Fly ‘Em Home
  19. Goats!
  20. Tell ‘Em We’ll Test ‘Em Tomorrow
  21. Nurses! Never Forget
  22. 59 Billionaires
  23. Bog Roll v. Guns
  24. Just Another Day in Quarantine
  25. He’s Going in for Tests
  26. The Lockdown, Week Three
  27. Pirate President Trump
  28. The Government Pecking Order
  29. Who Cares What Nigel Farage Says?
  30. Priti Patel
  31. Robert Jenrick
  32. He is Risen
  33. Jacob’s Making Money
  34. Priti Sorry
  35. What Did You Do in the Lockdown, Dad?
  36. Untitled (14th April 2020)
  37. Put Him on the Spot
  38. Matt Hancock’s Badge
  39. Today’s Press Conference: It’s Working
  40. Matt Hancock’s Magic Wand
  41. Captain Tom (Better Keep Walking)
  42. Quietly Terrified
  43. Boris Bunks Off
  44. News From Necker Island
  45. Dead Heroes Are No Use to Anyone
  46. Liverpool 2-3 Atletico Madrid
  47. Should I Be Wearing a Mask?
  48. The Bunnies, the Beagles, and You
  49. B&Q
  50. St. George’s Day 2020
  51. Sunshine and Disinfectant
  52. Jason and the Virus
  53. Corona Universe
  54. The Prime Minister Prepares to Return to Work
  55. Holding Your Breath
  56. Sixty Thousand Pounds
  57. Daily Press Briefing, 28th April 2020 (Matt Hancock)
  58. Baby Boris is Born
  59. Spaffer Fixes Bayonets
  60. Rachel on the Radio
  61. What’s Gonna Happen When the Clapping Stops?
  62. Are You Ready?
  63. The Sickest Man in Europe
  64. Professor Lockdown
  65. Matt Hancock’s NHS
  66. VE Day
  67. This is England
  68. Shut Up
  69. A New Slogan
  70. Too Little, and Just Not Enough
  71. Heigh-Ho
  72. Britain First Want Their Virus Back
  73. Daily Mail: Let Our Teachers Be Heroes
  74. Work Is Safe (Tell ‘Em)
  75. Where Is Mr. Johnson?
  76. Has Anybody Checked the Fridge?
  77. When Tories Clap
  78. Five Tests
  79. World Beating
  80. Swimming With Sharks
  81. Herd Immunity Cummings (Gets Caught Breaking the Rules)
  82. Dominic Ran Away (Again)
  83. 22 Days (Of Dither and Delay)
  84. A Daily Mail Poll
  85. Hey, Dido!
  86. Barbeque Season
  87. On Not Following the Science
  88. Professor Jonathan Van-Tam
  89. Derek
  90. Untitled (3rd June 2020)
  91. More on Masks
  92. Here’s the New Normal
  93. No More ‘Til September
  94. Another Day, Another Press Conference
  95. Iain Duncan Smith/Trail of Bodies
  96. A Statue of Boris Johnson
  97. The Rights of Dogs
  98. What Dowden Didn’t Say Yesterday
  99. Farmer Dom
  100. Trust
  101. Derek and the Germans
  102. Jason Gets the Call
  103. Johnson Has Washed His Hands
  104. Patient 91
  105. The Lockdown, Part Four
  106. Super Spreader Saturday
  107. Spaghetti Bolognese (A Very English Tea)
  108. Coronavirus 1-0 Bolsonaro
  109. My COVID Discount
  110. Should I Be Wearing a Mask? (You Had to Ask)
  111. A Masked Man Walks Into a Bar
  112. Should I Be Wearing a Mask? (July)
  113. Derek Won’t Wear a Mask
  114. Cassie Sunshine (Is Wearing a G-String on Her Face)
  115. Chingford to Oxford Circus via Walthamstow Central
  116. Don’t Cough Over Your Cat
  117. (Living Life on the Lookout For) A Second Wave
  118. Local Lockdowns, Part One
  119. Ayanda Capital
  120. They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?
  121. A Man With a Fascist Flag
  122. Should I Be Wearing a Mask? Part Six
  123. Untitled (7th September 2020)
  124. Has Hancock Lost Control?
  125. Ferrari’s Furlough Fraudsters
  126. The Under 21’s
  127. Operation Moonshot
  128. Tofu Bats and Tofu Pangolins
  129. The Rule of Six
  130. Ian, Noel and ‘Van
  131. Leyton Orient 0-19 COVID
  132. Facemasks at Half Mast
  133. Rishi Sunak (We Know a Song About You)
  134. Hands, Face, Pasty
  135. Will it End in Tiers?
  136. The Children of the First XV
  137. (Whatever Happened To) Jason and Joanna?
  138. This Ship is Lost at Sea
  139. Tear Down the Fence
  140. From World-Beating to Scraping the Play-Offs
  141. Cummings, Cain and Princess Nut-Nut
  142. Christmas Bubble Trouble
  143. On Substantiality and Scotch Eggs
  144. Williamson v. Ferrari: Brexit Gambit Declined
  145. Christmas With the Vulnerables
  146. An Eyeful of Nose
  147. Behave as if You Have the Virus
  148. The Golden-Haired Boy
  149. ‘Tis the Season to be Jolly Careful
  150. Right Bullets, Wrong Gun
  151. My Postie’s Being Bullied by Iain Duncan Smith
  152. According to Paul
  153. Jacob’s Fish are Happy Fish
  154. Cough Away
  155. Maxine and Henry
  156. A Million Pounds a Day
  157. One Zero Zero, Zero Zero Zero
  158. The Tory Party Donor Money-Go-Round
  159. Free Stuff Jesus
  160. Keith Likes It
  161. 3-0 Up
  162. Clap a Tory, Pay a Nurse
  163. A Trip to Mars
  164. Jason and Joanna: Vaccine Wars
  165. A Minute’s Silence
  166. Capitalism and Greed
  167. Respect
  168. Spaffed
  169. Colin the COVID Cat
  170. Let the Bodies Pile High
  171. For Hug’s Sake
  172. The State of the Opening of Parliament
  173. Kick It ‘Til It Breaks
  174. Hancock, the Care Home Killer
  175. Killing People’s Okay, But Kissing Them Isn’t

Hancock, the Care Home Killer

Hancock, the Care Home Killer
Says he’s saving lives
While Barnard Castle Cummings
Is sharpening his knives
To no avail, as nothing sticks
To the Teflon Tory
Who’s taken his tricks
To Westminster Cathedral, no less
To marry number three, Carrie
(I hear you’re a Catholic now, father)
But, I digress
Hancock, the Care Home Killer
Who connived
To send the virus into care homes
But said that he was saving lives
Continues to tell lies
As Cummings’ evidence provides
So when all this is over, don’t forget
Even as the statue of Boris Johnson’s getting wet
That the ministerial hand upon that tiller
Belonged to Hancock, the Care Home Killer

Kick It ‘Til It Breaks

Who has got the more slappable face?
Well, Scotch Egg Gove was leading the race
But now Horrible Hancock is in first place
You’ve gotta do what it takes
And kick it ‘til it breaks

Kick it ‘til it breaks
You gotta slap its silly face
And kick it ‘til it breaks

What I said was
What I meant was
What I said was
What I meant was
For fuck’s sake
Just kick it ‘til it breaks

And Cummings’ heroic self sacrifice bid
Ain’t gonna forgive what he did
A trip to the castle with his kid
God forbid
You’ve gotta kick it ‘til it breaks

Kick it ‘til it breaks
You gotta slap its silly face
And kick it ‘til it breaks

Then there’s the care home fiasco
The PPE that didn’t show
The clap a nurse but pay Dido
They’ve gotta go
You’ve gotta kick it ‘til it breaks

Kick it ‘til it breaks
You gotta slap its silly face
And kick it ‘til it breaks

Like a Hartlepool voter
An EU fishing quota
An Eton boater
Who cares not one iota
A pawnbroker playing poker
While the odour of the owner
Runs you over like a roller
Someone wake me when it’s over
And we can kick it ‘til it breaks

The State of the Opening of Parliament

She’s in the Daimler, not the gold carriage of state,
While the million-pound hat is in separate freight,
Pulling in through the Westminster palace gate.
It’s Black Rod’s big day out.

Where they always slam the door in her face
Before she bangs it thrice with her staff (not her mace)
To summon the Commons to the other place
To hear what this term’s all about.

These days, the crown’s heavy on the royal head
So, it’s relegated to a cushion instead
While the Queen’s speech sets out the year ahead
And new laws for those hereabout.

My Lords, she says, and you commoner lot,
My government would like to buy me a yacht,
But while the pandemic remains a blot
They’d best leave that bit out.

So, my government (led by that chap with the hair)
Will promise that the recovery’s fair,
While remaining silent on the social care
They reckon you can do without.

And my government’s Procurement Bill
Will make their contracts easier still
For the likes of Hancock’s mates to fulfil
When they’re in need of a handout.

My government will not require
Employers to desist from fire and rehire.
It’s enough to make a prince perspire,
The stuff that they’ve left out.

The state of the opening of Parliament
Where the Queen sets out Spaffer’s intent
In the gaps between what’s said and what’s meant.
It’s Black Rod’s big day out.

For Hug’s Sake

Spaffer liked hugging Allegra
Spaffer liked hugging Marina too
Spaffer liked hugging Anna Fazackerley
And now hugging’s in the news
(For hug’s sake)

Spaffer liked hugging with Helen
But Spaffer still liked hugging Marina too
Spaffer won’t hug you if you ask about Stephanie
And now hugging’s in the news

Spaffer’s hugging here and Spaffer’s hugging there
He hugged up Foreign Secretary, hugged up being mayor
He’s hugging up the red wall, hugging lying down
No one’s safe from being hugged by Bozo the Clown

Spaffer liked hugging with Jennifer
Hugging on the sofa like there’s nothing to lose
Spaffer likes a hug more than anything else
And now hugging’s in the news
(For hug’s sake)

Spaffer likes hugging with Carrie
He’s hugged her enough to want to marry her too
Spaffer is the hugger that the voters love
And now hugging’s in the news

Spaffer’s hugging here and Spaffer’s hugging there
He hugged up Foreign Secretary, hugged up being mayor
He’s hugging up the red wall, hugging lying down
No one’s safe from being hugged by Bozo the Clown

Let the Bodies Pile High

James Dyson’s tax bill, Cameron and Greensill
Let the bodies pile high
Let the bodies pile high

Hancock’s sister’s company, Jennifer Arcuri
Let the bodies pile high
Let the bodies pile high

Sixty grand wallpaper, the Barnard Castle caper
Let the bodies pile high
Let the bodies pile high

Wincanton’s LFTs, being accused of sleaze
Let the bodies pile high
Let the bodies pile high

Let the bodies pile high, in their thousands
Let the bodies pile high, in their thousands
Let the bodies pile high, Spaffer’s battle cry
Let the bodies pile high, in their thousands

Big contract awards, in the Commons and the Lords
Let the bodies pile high
Let the bodies pile high

Ayanda Capital, nothing wrong with that at all
Let the bodies pile high
Let the bodies pile high

Randox and Serco, racing’s where the money goes
Let the bodies pile high
Let the bodies pile high

Nothing here to see, no public inquiry
Let the bodies pile high
Let the bodies pile high

Let the bodies pile high, in their thousands
Let the bodies pile high, in their thousands
Let the bodies pile high, Spaffer’s battle cry
Let the bodies pile high, in their thousands

Colin, the COVID Cat

Colin the cat caught a cough.
A new persistent cough
That Colin the cat couldn’t shake off.
Because Colin was a Covid cat.
Because of the food chain and all that.
Because humans got it from bats
And the humans fed the cats.

Chloe, the keeper of cats,
Noticed Colin coughing, said “What’s all that”
“A coughing cat?”
Dialled 111 to speak to someone
But couldn’t get Colin a Covid test done.
They said, “Your best bet is to try the vets”
“We don’t do a Covid test for pets”

And Chloe, the keeper of cats,
Said, “Why do I pay my tax?”
“And my National Insurance and that”
“If I can’t get a Covid test for my cat?”
“He’s not a pangolin or a bat.”
“It’s discrimination, it’s a bitter pill”
“That you get a vet’s bill when the cat is ill.”

So Chloe cat-keeper used a mobile device
To access some free internet advice
About what to do with a persistent cough
That Colin the cat couldn’t shake off
With no cat cough medicine to quaff.
And much to Colin’s frustration
Chloe put Colin in isolation

Colin the cat, in Covid jail
To protect cats more vulnerable and frail
Will use a life to tell this tale
Of Colin, the coughing Covid cat,
Victim of the food chain and all that
Because the humans ate the pangolins and bats
And the humans fed the cats.

Spaffed

Let’s paint it blue,
Draped with union jacks
But Spaffer’s West Wing
Just got the axe
He said “They wanna hear me”
But doubt got in his head
And now Allegra needs
Another job instead

Her’s got spaffed

Spaffed! There goes your taxpayer pound
Spaffed! By Bozo the Clown
He Spaffed on the bus, he spaffed in space
He Spaffed on Dido’s track and Dido’s trace

Let’s build a bridge
Bedecked with flowers
Take what’s theirs
And make it ours
We’ll host bridge parties,
Corporate jollies
Another of Johnson’s
Corporate follies

It got spaffed

Spaffed! There goes your taxpayer pound
Spaffed! By Bozo the Clown
He Spaffed on the bus, he spaffed in space
He Spaffed on Dido’s track and Dido’s trace

Let’s build an island
In the middle of the Thames
For planes to take off
And to land again
Like many of his ideas
This one was crap
Four million quid later,
Boris Island got scrapped

It got Spaffed

Spaffed! There goes your taxpayer pound
Spaffed! By Bozo the Clown
Spaffed on the bus, spaffed in space
Spaffed on Dido’s track and Dido’s trace

Let’s paint it blue,
Draped in Union Jacks
Let’s paint it blue,
Draped in Union Jacks
Let’s paint it blue, draped in Union Jacks
And bury the news that it’s been spaffed
Spaffed