Ayanda Capital

Welcome to the Ayanda family
Focussed on investment strategy
We specialise in trading currency
You see

Welcome to the Ayanda family
We specialise in offshore property
And private equity
But we’ve never bought any PPE

How can that be?

Welcome to Ayanda Capital
We’ve no PPE experience at all
But there’s 250 million quid on the table
Some haul

Welcome to Ayanda Capital
Kings of remaining profitable
There’s public money there for us to trawl
And a government advisor that we can give a call

The stakes ain’t small

Here’s Andrew Mills, he’s a member of our board
What he knows about facemasks ain’t been explored
But if there’s money to be made then rest assured
He’s on board

Here’s Andrew Mills our deal deviser
ProsperMills’ influence exerciser
And business advisor
To Liz Truss, Secretary of State, for International Trade

That’s how the deal was made

Now if you think that this ain’t corrupt
Then protest singers might as well give up
And turns out the masks ain’t even good enough
And that’s fucked up

The victims of COVID still regularly cop it
While folks like Ayanda are making a profit
Matt Hancock ain’t gonna do anything to stop it
So if you want to protect the NHS as well

Don’t lose your sense of smell

Local Lockdowns, Part One

Go back to your northern powerhouse homes
Unless you are going to the pub, which you should visit alone,
Or work, which you must not shirk.
No visiting family or friends
Unless, we guess, you work with them
But we say again:
No socialising in houses or gardens
No if’s or but’s or beg your pardon’s,
But if you’re one of the shielding folk
Your rights to help have been revoked
And you should come out, your race is run,
Just try not to come into contact with anyone.
Because Hancock, a politician
At home with confusion and contradiction
Accuses you of a lack of compliance
With his social distancing guidance
And has identified some high-risk zones
So go back to your northern powerhouse homes.

(Living Life on the Lookout for A) Second Wave

I hear they’re talking about a second wave, said Jason
We haven’t really got the first one out of the way
It’s a good job we didn’t take that trip to Spain
I couldn’t afford a fortnight with no pay
And they’re increasing self-isolation to ten days

Isn’t a meal out pretty safe? said Joanna
A pub garden if we all behave?
Do you think that we just need to be a little brave?
You can’t live your life looking out for a second wave

But Jason ain’t going to the pub today
Jason’s still scrutinising what they say
Jason is certain that it’s on its way
He’s living life on the lookout for a second wave

I spoke to my brother the other day, said Jason
They couldn’t afford for work to be locked down again
They’ve agreed that for all of them it’s for the best
That if they get poorly, they won’t get a test
They don’t want to hear what a contact tracer might say

The kids need their holidays, said Joanna
Their friends are all going their separate ways
Do you think that we just need to be a little brave?
You can’t live your life looking out for a second wave

But Jason ain’t going to the pub today
Jason’s still scrutinising what they say
Jason is certain it’s on its way
He’s living life on the lookout for a second wave

The most excess deaths in Europe, said Jason
You’ve gotta listen to what I’ve gotta say
It’s business they care for that’s 100% the case
And they need you to start feeling safe
But they ain’t got nothing in place

The local lockdowns are far away, said Joanna
We could go out before we have to do that all again
Do you think that we just need to be a little brave?
You can’t live your life looking out for a second wave

But Jason ain’t going to the pub today
Jason’s still scrutinising what they say
Jason is certain it’s on its way
He’s living life on the lookout for a second wave

Don’t Cough Over Your Cat

No ads for Maccy D’s before bedtime
No BOGOF on Pringles or Mars Bars or any of that
But that’s not even this evening’s headline
Whatever you do, don’t cough over your cat

Spaffer’s a stone down and fat shaming the nation
Clamping down on promotion of food high in sugar and fat
Obligatory labels for cafes in new legislation
And whatever you do, don’t cough over your cat

He says we owe it to the NHS to keep our weight healthy
I suspect he owes them a bit more than that
Start with 350 million a week, maybe
And please don’t cough over your cat

There are complex ethnic and socioeconomic factors
At play here, but despite all of that
The fight against the virus starts a new chapter
With advice to not cough over your cat

Chingford to Oxford Circus (Via Walthamstow Central)

We’re on the 07:14.
Doing alright, it’s fairly quiet
And mask wearing’s mostly observed
Although the fella in the coffee kiosk is wearing his on his chin
While speaking to a single customer
Who’s going to have a dilemma when he gets on the train, having been served.
One man is putting his on as he gets on board,
Leaving it until the last minute to be suitably attired.
You suspect that he doesn’t want to wear it a moment longer than required.

The next stop is Walthamstow Central and onto the Victoria Line.
The man opposite and across one has got a black mask on which looks fine
But his nose is poking out, presumably stopping his glasses steaming up while he does the crossword,
Taking his time between clues, one of which is his bag for life which seems to be living up to its name.
A quick glance down the carriage reveals two more noses on display.

On the seat next to me is the bag that belongs to the woman sat on the next seat but one
From which she produces a standard issue blue non-surgical facemask, you know the one,
Which she hooks over her ears covering her nose and mouth in one go
Then flaps out the sides to try to get the air to flow
Then pulls it down past her nose
Then down past her chin.
Now mouth and nose comfortably exposed
She relaxes and shuts her eyes,
Civic duty done and undone in one two-minute pantomime.
The gaze of the woman two seats further down remains neutral,
Her mask is worn impeccably and you know she’s seen it all and you can sense her disapproval.

Gap Year Kid opposite is wearing his properly too,
His grubby surf chic suggesting that his bulging rucksack
Contains laundry going back a week or maybe two,
Whereas Snood (neck tube?) Guy’s face covering has slipped past his nose unchecked
And by the time he takes the seat vacated by Gap Year Kid
It’s completely round his neck.
He evades my stare by deploying his mobile phone.
He’s not alone,
Cool Fella in the straight brim baseball cap is another nose exposer,
Soon to be a mouth and noser.
If he thinks the risks aren’t worthy
Why does he reposition from the standing seat at the end of the carriage
To the pole in the middle by the double doors
As the train fills up on its southbound journey?
Although it’s nowhere near as busy as a pre-lockdown ride would have been.

The return trip will include more who comply, part comply, or let the rules simply pass them by
And a man who will be determined to be the first off the Chingford train
Although there seems little for him to gain
(He’ll be first to the hand sanitiser too)
But then he won’t want to touch the door control button and so
Will make an awkward attempt with the tip of his elbow.

But the next stop is Oxford Circus
And we’ve got business above ground.

Cassie Sunshine (Is Wearing a G-String on Her Face)

They gathered in their hundreds in sunny Hyde Park
Their patriotic faces free to feel the breeze
One man had cut the middle out of his mask
They’re here to Keep Britain Free

They’re gathered here to protest about the mask
They don’t like being told, would prefer to be asked
Because it’s an impingement on their civil liberty
That’s no way to Keep Britain Free

Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face
Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face
Her protest banner has been replaced
By sexy undercrackers made out of black lace
And Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face

If the government thought it was right, she asks
Then that’s what they should’ve said from the start
There’s important scientists saying there’s no need
It’s more important to Keep Britain Free

Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face
Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face
Her protest banner has been replaced
By sexy undercrackers made out of black lace
And Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face

Face nappies, muzzles, she won’t take part
Cassie Sunshine won’t wear a mask
Cassie Sunshine wants to Keep Britain Free
Thankfully Cassie’s in a minority

Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face
Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face
Her protest banner has been replaced
By sexy undercrackers made out of black lace
And Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face
And Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face

 

Derek Won’t Wear a Mask

“It’s unconstitutional” Derek proclaims
With absolute authority.
“It’s an attack on my civil liberties,
This isn’t why the majority
Voted for Boris, it’s an outrage,
It’s halfway to wearing a burqa.
I’m not putting my face in a fabric cage
Like a nurse or a care home worker.
What are you, scared? Of a little flu?
Your argument’s full of if’s and but’s.
It ain’t much longer than a week or two
Since Johnson told you to have the guts
To get back to normal, and normal it ain’t
To be ordered to cover your face
And that the basis of my complaint:
We never needed ‘em in the first place.
It’s not supported by the science, you’re wrong
It’s a monstrous imposition
And I’ll tell you what, it won’t be long
Until they’re back with another condition,
‘Cos it’s an exercise in mind control
Manipulating the sheeple
With a very simple goal:
To sleepwalk you into the unspeakable.
It’s a free country and I should be free
To allow my patriotic face to be seen.
We didn’t win two world wars
And one world cup……
And anyway, it’s a bit uncomfortable
And it makes my glasses steam up”.

Should I Be Wearing a Mask? (July)

Should I be wearing a mask?
We asked
In March
And April, May and June
Are we immune?
So why in July
Are we told of course
It’s a matter we intend to enforce
You should wear a mask when you sally forth
But not until the 24th

A Masked Man Walks Into a Bar

A masked man walks into a bar
Just another day in the New Rose & Crown
It’s the pub of the damned, he orders a beer and sits down
He contemplates life and the new rules
Where everybody’s encouraged to go back to work and go back to school
Where one metre plus means you have to cover your face
That’s how he’s ended up coming in masked to this place
He looks from his beer to his mask and from his mask to his beer
As it all becomes frustratingly clear
That the logic of this thing just doesn’t make any sense at all

A masked man walks into a bar
It’s neat, neat, neat from all that pre-opening cleaning
It’s the pub of the damned, just with better housekeeping
He orders a pint of beer and sits down
While he ponders the end of the lockdown
And he asks himself what is a pub if it’s not a shop that sells live booze
And if you’re gonna have to wear a mask in a supermarket what’s boozer got to lose?
He looks from his beer to his mask and his mask to his beer
As Johnson’s muddied message fails to become clear
And the logic of this thing doesn’t make any sense at all

A masked man walks into a bar
Orders a large whiskey while he’s waiting for the blackout
There’s plenty of room inside not that many people out
It’s the pub of the damned and he just can’t be happy today
And they wouldn’t even take his cash when he tried to pay
He picks up his paper and reads in the comments
That your mask does nothing except to give you confidence
He looks from his whiskey to his mask and his mask to his whiskey
And there’s a world of handshakes that he still can’t see
And the logic of this thing doesn’t make any sense at all

A masked man walks into a bar….

Should I Be Wearing a Mask? (You Had to Ask)

Should I be wearing a mask? Yes
Is the best guess
In the absence of rigorous scientific tests
The WHO and government both think it best

Should I wear it to cover my nose?
I suppose
That’s how it goes
You don’t want your nose
To be exposed
If that’s the way the virus blows

Should I wear it to cover my mouth as well?
If you don’t want to lose your sense of smell
Or otherwise become unwell
The best intel would compel
Covering your mouth for a spell
That’s the main route into your body, in a nutshell

But let’s be clear on one thing
Though it may be more comforting
And easier to breathe in
It won’t really do a thing
Except cover some neck skin
Once you begin
To tug on the string
And wear your mask under your chin

(The reason for this chin-wearing I suspect
Is not a lack of knowledge or respect
But outdoors there is less chance to infect
And so worn the wearer does not forget
To pull it up when needing to be properly bedecked
To go indoors where the mask will have significant effect
In preventing breath-borne droplets travelling unchecked
When other people’s health is there for you to help protect)

mask