Cyanide Sid Cooper

He’d punch his opponent
Though punching weren’t allowed
He’d wind up the ref
And he’d wind up the crowd
In his black leotard that only had one strap
You knew you were in for a bit of a scrap
Because his wrestling shenanigans should’ve got him banned
And God help you if you tried to shake his outstretched hand
‘Cos dirty Sid came from Dirty Leeds
Filling your Saturday teatime with dirty deeds
Picking up public warnings for fun
He’d often find himself undone
By two falls, two submissions or a knockout
‘Cos rules really weren’t what he was about
But now it’s goodnight grapple fans from Cyanide Sid
At the end of a heel’s life well lived
With a twisted smile as he’d twist a limb.
If only Spaffer were as honest as him

Hancock, the Care Home Killer

Hancock, the Care Home Killer
Says he’s saving lives
While Barnard Castle Cummings
Is sharpening his knives
To no avail, as nothing sticks
To the Teflon Tory
Who’s taken his tricks
To Westminster Cathedral, no less
To marry number three, Carrie
(I hear you’re a Catholic now, father)
But, I digress
Hancock, the Care Home Killer
Who connived
To send the virus into care homes
But said that he was saving lives
Continues to tell lies
As Cummings’ evidence provides
So when all this is over, don’t forget
Even as the statue of Boris Johnson’s getting wet
That the ministerial hand upon that tiller
Belonged to Hancock, the Care Home Killer

The State of the Opening of Parliament

She’s in the Daimler, not the gold carriage of state,
While the million-pound hat is in separate freight,
Pulling in through the Westminster palace gate.
It’s Black Rod’s big day out.

Where they always slam the door in her face
Before she bangs it thrice with her staff (not her mace)
To summon the Commons to the other place
To hear what this term’s all about.

These days, the crown’s heavy on the royal head
So, it’s relegated to a cushion instead
While the Queen’s speech sets out the year ahead
And new laws for those hereabout.

My Lords, she says, and you commoner lot,
My government would like to buy me a yacht,
But while the pandemic remains a blot
They’d best leave that bit out.

So, my government (led by that chap with the hair)
Will promise that the recovery’s fair,
While remaining silent on the social care
They reckon you can do without.

And my government’s Procurement Bill
Will make their contracts easier still
For the likes of Hancock’s mates to fulfil
When they’re in need of a handout.

My government will not require
Employers to desist from fire and rehire.
It’s enough to make a prince perspire,
The stuff that they’ve left out.

The state of the opening of Parliament
Where the Queen sets out Spaffer’s intent
In the gaps between what’s said and what’s meant.
It’s Black Rod’s big day out.

For Hug’s Sake

Spaffer liked hugging Allegra
Spaffer liked hugging Marina too
Spaffer liked hugging Anna Fazackerley
And now hugging’s in the news
(For hug’s sake)

Spaffer liked hugging with Helen
But Spaffer still liked hugging Marina too
Spaffer won’t hug you if you ask about Stephanie
And now hugging’s in the news

Spaffer’s hugging here and Spaffer’s hugging there
He hugged up Foreign Secretary, hugged up being mayor
He’s hugging up the red wall, hugging lying down
No one’s safe from being hugged by Bozo the Clown

Spaffer liked hugging with Jennifer
Hugging on the sofa like there’s nothing to lose
Spaffer likes a hug more than anything else
And now hugging’s in the news
(For hug’s sake)

Spaffer likes hugging with Carrie
He’s hugged her enough to want to marry her too
Spaffer is the hugger that the voters love
And now hugging’s in the news

Spaffer’s hugging here and Spaffer’s hugging there
He hugged up Foreign Secretary, hugged up being mayor
He’s hugging up the red wall, hugging lying down
No one’s safe from being hugged by Bozo the Clown

Let the Bodies Pile High

James Dyson’s tax bill, Cameron and Greensill
Let the bodies pile high
Let the bodies pile high

Hancock’s sister’s company, Jennifer Arcuri
Let the bodies pile high
Let the bodies pile high

Sixty grand wallpaper, the Barnard Castle caper
Let the bodies pile high
Let the bodies pile high

Wincanton’s LFTs, being accused of sleaze
Let the bodies pile high
Let the bodies pile high

Let the bodies pile high, in their thousands
Let the bodies pile high, in their thousands
Let the bodies pile high, Spaffer’s battle cry
Let the bodies pile high, in their thousands

Big contract awards, in the Commons and the Lords
Let the bodies pile high
Let the bodies pile high

Ayanda Capital, nothing wrong with that at all
Let the bodies pile high
Let the bodies pile high

Randox and Serco, racing’s where the money goes
Let the bodies pile high
Let the bodies pile high

Nothing here to see, no public inquiry
Let the bodies pile high
Let the bodies pile high

Let the bodies pile high, in their thousands
Let the bodies pile high, in their thousands
Let the bodies pile high, Spaffer’s battle cry
Let the bodies pile high, in their thousands

Spaffed

Let’s paint it blue,
Draped with union jacks
But Spaffer’s West Wing
Just got the axe
He said “They wanna hear me”
But doubt got in his head
And now Allegra needs
Another job instead

Her’s got spaffed

Spaffed! There goes your taxpayer pound
Spaffed! By Bozo the Clown
He Spaffed on the bus, he spaffed in space
He Spaffed on Dido’s track and Dido’s trace

Let’s build a bridge
Bedecked with flowers
Take what’s theirs
And make it ours
We’ll host bridge parties,
Corporate jollies
Another of Johnson’s
Corporate follies

It got spaffed

Spaffed! There goes your taxpayer pound
Spaffed! By Bozo the Clown
He Spaffed on the bus, he spaffed in space
He Spaffed on Dido’s track and Dido’s trace

Let’s build an island
In the middle of the Thames
For planes to take off
And to land again
Like many of his ideas
This one was crap
Four million quid later,
Boris Island got scrapped

It got Spaffed

Spaffed! There goes your taxpayer pound
Spaffed! By Bozo the Clown
Spaffed on the bus, spaffed in space
Spaffed on Dido’s track and Dido’s trace

Let’s paint it blue,
Draped in Union Jacks
Let’s paint it blue,
Draped in Union Jacks
Let’s paint it blue, draped in Union Jacks
And bury the news that it’s been spaffed
Spaffed

Ten Out of Ten

Spaffer and Jennifer
On the sofa
When Marina was out

Spaffer and Jennifer
Reading Macbeth
Before making out

Spaffer and Jennifer
Sending him pictures
With her titties out

Spaffer and Jennifer taking trips abroad
Spaffer and Jennifer committing fraud

But Spaffer got to mark his own homework again
And Spaffer gave himself ten out of ten

Ten out of ten
Ten out of ten
He marked his own homework
And got ten out of ten

Police on the common
At the vigil
Pushing women about

Police on the common
Pushing women about
With their truncheons out

Police on the common
Keeping the peace
Until the lights go out

Her Majesty’s Inspector looked hard and long
Her Majesty’s Inspector says they did nothing wrong

Ten out of ten
Ten out of ten
He marked his own homework
And got ten out of ten

The Commission on Race
And Ethnic Disparity
Report came out

The Commission said
It was a youthful
Idealistic shout

The Commission said
Now there’s nothing
To worry about

The Commission said they’d looked hard and long
The Commission said BLM had got it wrong

Ten out of ten
Ten out of ten
He marked his own homework
And got ten out of ten

Ten out of ten
Ten out of ten
When he marks his own homework
He gets ten out of ten

Capitalism and Greed

“We’ll make fortunes, I bet,” Capitalism said.
“Agreed,” said Greed.
“At every step there’ll be a contract to be let.”
“Let them to me,” said Greed.
“I’ve no experience of health or PPE,
But I’ll make big donation to the Tory party.”
“Let’s make a Covid killing,” Capitalism said.
And Greed agreed.

“The usual arrangement?” Capitalism said.
“Agreed,” said Greed.
“Obscure procurement rules unashamedly bent?”
“Sounds good to me,” said Greed.
“Don’t worry if we make a mess,
We’ll just make out that it was the NHS.”
“Let’s make a Covid killing,” Capitalism said.
And Greed agreed.

“They’ve already laid the ground,” Capitalism said.
“Just what we need,” said Greed.
“To make a pretty penny off a pandemic pound.”
“They’re just like me,” said Greed.
“A bag of rocks in a suit with a mop on the top
Will help make sure that we profit from the lot.”
“Let’s make a Covid killing,” Capitalism said.
And Greed agreed.

Jason and Joanna: Vaccine Wars

Joanna was waiting for a text from the surgery
Jason got a message that there was some going free
The end of the day, or it would be thrown away
Jason said that vaccine is mine

Jason got the Pfizer, she’ll probably get the Oxford one
His was from Germany, Joanna’s will be homespun
She heard side effects affect nearly everyone
Jason, however, was fine

And she’s mad that he kept the vaccine to himself
For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health
Now they’re ramping up the rhetoric, nuclear arms
There getting ready for a vaccine war

Jason shrugged, said it’s all about your contacts
It’s nothing personal you’ve got to watch your own back
You’ll get yours soon enough, I don’t understand the fuss
It’s the one thing he thinks he got right

Joanna thought the deal was to be in it together
Last year it was her warning him of heavy weather
He’s got everything wrong, now he’s coming on strong
It looks like there’s gonna be a fight

And she’s mad that he kept the vaccine to himself
For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health
Now they’re ramping up the rhetoric, nuclear arms
There getting ready for a vaccine war

She said no man is an island, I just don’t get it
It’s not like you to tell the world to just forget it
You think you’re the best but you’re gonna regret it
I don’t understand this at all

There’s no point being alone in your immunity
You might call it a herd but it’s actually community
Not a competition at every opportunity
Jason, you’re building a wall
Jason, you’re building a wall

And she’s mad that he kept the vaccine to himself
For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health
Now they’re ramping up the rhetoric, nuclear arms
There getting ready for a vaccine war
And she’s mad that he kept the vaccine to himself
For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health
Now they’re ramping up the rhetoric, nuclear arms
There getting ready for a vaccine war
There getting ready for a vaccine war