Spaffer Bids Farewell to Downing Street

He’s thanking the dog and the cat
It’s leaving speech part two or three
The cat ain’t even his
The cat’s still got a key

He’s thanking the dog and the cat
Like the cat could give a fuck
He’s making a list of achievements
He’s making most of it up

He’s thanking the dog and the cat
The cat’s just shrugged it off
It’s his last day in Downing Street
Bye bye, farewell, fuck off

Bye, Bye, Farewell, Fuck Off

Nurses using foodbanks
Security tags on Lurpacks
His legacy ain’t witty repartee
That fella off the TV
Blow me ain’t he funny
It’s poverty
And lies
And blind eyes
And meetings with spies
The drive to privatise
The drive to Barnard Castle too
The first clue
To another rule for you
And racist too
Deportations to Rwanda
Priti Patel and her
Dog whistle, but the agenda’s his
The question master for a boozy lockdown quiz
The lies are his
The sex pests his
The rule makers breaking rules are his
Corrupt is what it is
Government on behalf of bosses, bankers and billionaires
The people about whom he cares
So wish him bye, bye and farewell
And he can fuck off from there as well
And when he walks, let him keep walking
Don’t ever tune in when he’s talking
Don’t read his books or his columns
Because you were never his problem
He’d let you starve for political gain
And we don’t want to see him round here again

Larry Gets the Big Calls Right

Over Peston’s shoulder, Sajid’s taking a walk
Over Peston’s shoulder, Rishi’s stopped talking the talk
Over Peston’s shoulder, Jonathan Gullis is finally gonna do one
Over Peston’s shoulder, it’s all starting to come undone

Over Peston’s shoulder, Larry’s licking his balls
And that’s what we call getting the big calls right
The big calls right

Over Peston’s shoulder, Parish is watching porn
Over Peston’s shoulder, Paterson’s treating the rules with scorn
Over Peston’s shoulder, there’s another sexual assault
While Spaffer’s still pretending that nothing’s his fault

Over Peston’s shoulder, Larry’s licking his balls
And that’s what we call getting the big calls right
The big calls right

Over Peston’s shoulder, Bim has had enough
Over Peston’s shoulder, Chalk is cutting up rough
Over Peston’s shoulder, Virginia Crosbie, Nichola Richards and Saqib Bhatti MP
Said it’s not for me

Over Peston’s shoulder, Larry’s licking his balls
And that’s what we call getting the big calls right
The big calls right

Mare Nostrum, Lebensraum, Got Brexit Done

Mare Nostrum, Lebensraum, Got Brexit Done
Steve Bray’s amplifier nicked on Day One

Mare Nostrum, Lebensraum, Got Brexit Done
Danny Kruger, Prue Leith’s misogynist son
Signposts women’s rights nil, Supreme Court one

Mare Nostrum, Lebensraum, Got Brexit Done
1937 moment reaching for a gun
Uniform lapel pins for everyone
In the Daily Mail, Telegraph, Express and The Sun

Mare Nostrum, Lebensraum, Got Brexit Done
Migrants not refugees is how it’s spun
The Court of Human Rights being prepped to be shunned
As if God was yet another son of Eton
The meek shall inherit their own situation

Mare Nostrum, Lebensraum, Got Brexit Done
Organised labour is enemy number one

Fido (And His Escape From Deportation to Rwanda)

They found him on the beach at Dover
But his ordeal was far from over
Checking for food in the bins
Fido was looking quite thin
So they scooped him up and took him to the pound
Left him in the company of other lost hounds
Saying it was definitely for the best
That Fido’s case should be quickly processed

How did he get here? Was it a legal route?
Where is his collar and lead?
Why is it never bitches or puppies?
Did he just throw his tag in the sea?
Is it just ‘cause the bins are better in Dover?
Did he just want a more benevolent owner?
Did he think we’d just hand him a nice marrow bone
And a bed in a new, warm, comfy home?

Fido barked his answers with canine candour
But the decision had been made, he was off to Rwanda

When the story broke, there was outrage
The Daily Mail devoted the whole front page
This is a nation of animal lovers
And we demand that no dog ever suffers
Transportation to a foreign land
On this the paper will make its stand
The Sun, The Express and even The Times
Said that dog deportations were animal crimes

The Prime Minister was forced to agree
Shed a crocodile tear on breakfast TV
Said on dog trafficking we must draw a line
And the Home Secretary was forced to resign

So woe betide the politician who ever forgets
That we measure our compassion by the way we treat our pets

The King of Lockdown

The King of Lockdown raised a glass
A toast to ghosts of empires past
His gaze steadfast upon the cast
Of gathered acolytes, his class
And scenes they would deny

The grape and grain of government
Authors of instruction meant
For others, never their intent
Without consent of votes once lent
Ever to comply

The King of Lockdown, slovenly
Dismissive of discovery
Of drunken, workless company
Endemic this incumbency
Would simply tell a lie

The King of Lockdown, King of Bluff
Born of the stuff to just rebuff
Never knows when it’s enough
Never goes when it gets tough
Lets truth slide idly by

Local Elections May 2022

Wonderful in Worthing, Wandsworth and Westminster
Horrible in Harrow, Hastings and Hull

No Overall Control hold Hartlepool
Who says that the local elections have been dull

With stay-at-home Tories and Long Corbyn stories
While in Skipton drawing straws is the way that it’s done

And what they’re talking about is

Curry with Sir Keith in a constituency office
Downing Street piss-ups with Prime Minister Boris
Or the latest comic skit from Secretary Dorries

Now they’re changing the bin days in Mayfair
And easing up the planning rules in the town square

Because the hands on the levers might have changed
But the levers themselves have stayed the same

Privatise the Arse Off It

Trouble at the Passport Office
Privatise the arse off it
Run it for my pals’ profit
A one-trick Tory cries

Like Mogg he wants you at your desk
Who’s haunting corridors obsessed
His sarcastic notes grotesque
Bullying in disguise

‘Cause they privatised the arse off the trains
The cars and the buses and the planes
The gas the electric the phones and the drains
The post and the college of flames

And if you’re still waiting for a visa from Ukraine
They privatised the arse off that too
Just sayin’

Mogg vs. Marr, LBC 19 April 2022

Condescending Mogg at his condescending best
Says leg before wicket is the best test
Of whether Spaffer’s lying
He’s on the offensive no forward defensive stroke this
He’s taking the piss
And not even trying

The Minister for Lack of Opportunity for Our Community
Is here to spar with Marr
It’s infuriating so far
His relying on denying
Crying speculation
And irrespective of the effect of his words
Encourages perspective
About Marr’s father dying
And Partygate

For Mogg it’s just a game
These people have no shame

And Mogg Tweeted Alleluia

Canterbury’s putting up resistance
To the ungodly policy of offshore asylum
Love thy neighbour but only from a distance
Sounding Johnson’s Operation Red Meat siren

But Castle’s voice from the pews cried we tithed for our views
And we don’t like change around here
You shouldn’t get to choose your country of refuge
And Rwanda’s very nice this time of year we hear

So Secretary Patel issued ministerial direction
To whistle up the dog a fascist bone
Of immigration by racial selection
A one-way ticket or a middle-class home

More folk will die of Covid in 2022
Than seek asylum in this green and pleasant land
Swiftly and humanely removed is the clue
To the Easter politics of the damned

Canterbury’s putting up resistance
But Johnson and Patel just say screw ya
We’re loving our neighbours but only at a distance
And Mogg tweeted Alleluia