The Gable

“The gable still ain’t in the middle”

And it never was, coming as it did, second-hand from Mitcham Stadium, the brainchild of entrepreneur Sydney Parkes who built it in 1935, hosting among other things, rugby league, baseball and greyhound racing and, although the latter is disputed, the gable was built to be in line with the finish line.

Mitcham Stadium closed in 1955 and the stand was bought by Leyton Orient who gave it a new lease of life at Brisbane Road in 1958.

There’s much more of this story here and here, but in the meantime, our brand new video premieres next week, and you can find that here:

Harry, Won’t You Fly With Me

Let me tell you ‘bout a boy named Harry
And all the fuss about the girl he married
She weren’t like them, she was a celebrity
No eyes of blue, American too
She would never fit in to their family

But she sang
Harry, Harry won’t you fly with me
It could be so much better
Shooting Taliban together
What a power couple we will be

Let me tell you ’bout a bloke called Charlie
Spent his whole life waiting for his mum’s last party
Crowned at last and everything would be alright
Then son number one
And son number two
Had a set too and broke the dog’s bowl in a fight

While she sang
Harry, Harry won’t you fly with me
It could be so much better
Shooting Taliban together
What a power couple we will be

Let me tell you ’bout a woman called Camilla
Charlie’s regular date for dinner
The Princess of All Our Hearts ain’t for me
I wanna be your tampon
Come on, let’s get it on
I don’t care if I’m indiscreet

And she sang
Harry, Harry won’t you fly with me
It could be so much better
Shooting Taliban together
What a power couple we will be

Let me tell you ’bout a prince called William
The whole of Wales was his dominion
Hier to the throne, all he has to do is stay alive
But he fought with his brother
In the absence of his mother
About their choice of royal wives

And she sang
Harry, Harry won’t you fly with me
It could be so much better
Shooting Taliban together
What a power couple we will be

Let me tell you ’bout the whole damn lot of ‘em
How much better it would be to be shot of ‘em
Off with their heads, and those of all their friends
Gold, gilt and greed
Something we don’t need
And that’s the way the story ends

While she sang
Harry, Harry won’t you fly with me
It could be so much better
Shooting Taliban together
What a power couple we will be

Virtual Wards

She’s on a virtual ward
In a virtual hospital
She saw a virtual doctor
On a video call

She said your virtual op
Will just have to wait
Theatre virtually
Always runs late

She got a virtual ambulance
All the way down the stairs
No virtual paramedic, though
In virtual care

She’s in a virtual hospital
Under a virtual team
They promised us forty
Just not virtually

She’s on a virtual ward
Receiving virtual care
From a virtual government
That virtually doesn’t

New Year’s Honours

Stephen Graham OBE
Virginia McKenna from Born Free
Brian May, well he was in Queen
Dara McNulty, the naturalist teen
Four Lionesses but not the others
Two dead kids’ campaigning mothers
Lissie Harper for law reforming
Rachel Riley who hated Corbyn
Ivan Menezes for running a company
Like Johnny Boden CBE
Over half the honours still go to blokes
Frank Skinner got one for telling jokes
All summoned to Empire by royal shout-out
Inside the tent now, pissing out

(Some) People Who Died

Robbie Coltrane, Bernard Cribbins
Vivienne Westwood had a good innings
Sidney Poitier, Ray Liotta
Ronnie Spector, the Big C got her
Wilko Johnson, Jet Black
Christine McVie from Fleetwood Mac
Hot Lips Houlihan, Dot Cotton
Mrs McClusky won’t be forgotten
Irene Cara, Keith Levene
Elizabeth, who played the Queen
Dame Olivia Newton-John
Leslie Phillips dinged his last dong
Nichelle Nichols, Kirstie Alley
Fashion designer Issey Miyake
Taylor Hawkins, Barry Cryer
Olive, when her house caught fire
Jerry Lee Lewis, Loretta Lynn
Terry Hall, Joyce Sims
Maxi Jazz, Coolio
Meat Loaf revved up some place to go
Pelé, Mark Lanegan
Shane Warne, Dennis Waterman
Bill Turnbull, Raymond Briggs
Paul Ryder’s played his last gigs
As has Martin Duffy too
Angela Lansbury, Shirley Hughes
George Cohen, David McKee
Big Bird’s neighbour in Sesame Street
James Caan, Hilary Mantel
Vangelis, and Fletch as well
Ruth Madoc out of Hi-de-Hi!
And many, many more besides

Elwood’s Organic Dog Meat Farm

Inspired by Elwood

Rover was the best dog we ever had
Rover made a lovely kebab
With chilli sauce he was really not bad
Bless him, Rover, what a good lad
Rover was the best dog we ever had

From Elwood’s Organic Dog Meat Farm
Elwood’s Organic Dog Meat Farm
Elwood’s dogs never come to no harm
‘Til they meet their fate
And end up on your plate

From corgi curry to Pomeranian stew
There ain’t a dish that dog meat cannot do
Local, organic and sustainably raised
You can eat ‘em grilled, you can eat ‘em braised
Always fresh, why not pick up a cut or two

From Elwood’s Organic Dog Meat Farm
Elwood’s Organic Dog Meat Farm
Elwood’s dogs never come to no harm
‘Til they meet their fate
And end up on your plate

Sausages should be made of sausage dogs
And Labrador steaks, well just because
Dogs and bitches make the best sandwiches
Enjoyed of course
With our special sauce

From Elwood’s Organic Dog Meat Farm
Elwood’s Organic Dog Meat Farm
Elwood’s dogs never come to no harm
‘Til they meet their fate
And end up on your plate

All* the Christmas Songs in the Same Place

Santa Is English

Christmas Bubble Trouble

Christmas With The Vulnerables

The Day They Cancelled Christmas

And the one cover version that we do every year:

*Lost in the mists of time is Steve singing Mary Had a Tory Baby. It went out live on a Punk 4 The Homeless live stream never to be seen again. If anyone has a copy, please let us know.

Money Goes to Money

They’re running rather than getting beat
They’re starting to vote with their feet
The rats are leaving faster than the ship can sink
Like their shit doesn’t stink
Like their shit ain’t on the brink
Like it ain’t shit to think
That money goes to money is okay
That money goes to money is the only way
That money goes to money
Goes to money goes to money

Meanwhile in an imaginary navy
Penny’s insincere smile
Mouths coyly look at me
Admire my philanthropy
Admire my new food pantry
While opposing free school meals
Don’t that just hit you in the feels?
A proper Scrooge turned fake Marley
As the money goes to money
Goes to money goes to money

The posties on the picket know
They’ve got to hold the line
Firefighters, nurses, teachers
Among the left behind
As the money goes to money
And the warm bank number grows
The money goes to money
And the pubs begin to close
As the money goes to money
Goes to money goes to money

They ain’t here to manage the crisis
Just the TV news
This morning’s media message is
Another excuse to bruise
The money goes to money
As they put the word about
That there ain’t no money
You’ll just have to do without
As the money goes to money
Goes to money goes to money

Lynch’s mob don’t need to strike
The train’s already fucked
And Mrs Smith’s replacement hips
Well, she’s just out of luck
Hancock, pushed, jumped anyway
Says he’s still got lots to say
Not even in opposition
Would there be a point to listen
While the money goes to money
Goes to money goes to money

The money knows no borders
The money knows no shame
The money only hears the sighs
Of the rich who coo its name
Like Michelle, Robber Baroness
The PPE millionairess
Banished as Rishi fakes it tough
She’ll be back soon enough
As the money goes to money
Goes to money goes to money

Money goes to money
While the rest get less and less
Money goes to money
What a fuckin’ mess

Where Are You From?

Sir Richard, Knight of the Shire in 1339
Son Richard, Speaker of the House in Richard II’s time
Another Richard, Lord of Bures
Then William, then Edward, the name endures
Another Edward, a baronet
Without a peerage, as high as you get
Then Henry, married the King’s daughter
Then James Waldegrave, sailing back over the water
For a seat in the Lords, mates with the PM
His son James, George II’s best friend
His son William, an admiral, nice one
His son Granville only a vice one
As Britannia ruled the waves
Next was George, the 4th Earl Waldegrave
Who lived at Strawberry Hill
The house is in the family still
George and James were 5th and 6th
The 7th, George, the name still sticks
The 8th another William
With still more Waldegraves to come
He was known as Viscount Chewton
With his land to hunt and shoot on
Succeeded by Henry, who the records tell
Was succeeded by Geoffrey, who married a Grenfell
Whose daughter… yes it must be
It’s Susan, Baroness Hussey
Who knows just what it’s like to belong
And demands to know where you are from

Gig News

A couple of Christmas shows for your diaries:

On Friday 16 December, we’ll be playing at a fundraiser for local food banks and supporting local homeless people at The Hoe Street Club in Walthamstow. It’ll be a rare outing for Steve, Lol and Simon playing as an acoustic (but plugged in) three-piece.

And on Saturday 17 December, Steve makes the trip to Nottingham, acoustic guitar in hand, for a Punk 4 The Homeless all-dayer at the Sumac Centre and (shh) a celebration of Eagle’s birthday.

Will there be poetry? Will there be Christmas songs? Can Steve remember the words to Mary Had a Tory Baby? There’s only one way to find out….