Clap a Tory, Pay a Nurse

Week after week
They clapped their hands
And banged their pans
From rainbow bedecked windows
And cars and vans.
Hundreds of thousands
Acting with care, thought, and precision
Led to this decision.
“The NHS saved my life” Spaffer said
But what he meant
Was all they’re worth to him is one percent.

And Hancock,
Responsible personally
To the horse racing fraternity,
Pays tribute with words,
His deep pockets reserved
For contracts for corporate chums.
“Get out there and tell them you saved lives” he said
But what he meant
Was all they’re worth to him is one percent.

Nadine “I’m a former nurse, me” Dorries,
The first Covid MP,
Seeks to defend the economy.
Never surprised
By an MP’s pay rise,
But with Rishi is in accord
That this is all they can afford
While recognising sacrifice, commitment and vocation
Tells the nation
What she meant
Was all they’re worth to her is one percent.

When they tell you “level up”
What do they mean?
The numbers dead hid behind
A vaccination screen.
No money for heroic nurses’ pay
When Dido’s folly costs a million pounds a day.
There is a simple message delivered in this verse:
Next time, clap a Tory, pay a nurse.

Hancock’s NHS

The people Hancock calls “Our NHS”
Are a litany of corporate interests.
For example, here’s a sample:
Deloitte, KPMG, Serco,
Palantir, Mitie, Sodhexo;
Providing PPE, testing, track and trace.
More wrong ‘uns than on Michael Gove’s bookcase.
So, heavy is the heart that understands
That we really are not safe in his hands.

gove books

Dead Heroes Are No Use to Anyone

Dead heroes are no use to anyone
But let’s be clear:
No one deliberately denied them what they need,
They just weren’t competent enough foresee
That it’ll happen here if it’s happening next door
And we don’t make our own stuff here anymore.

Dead heroes are no use to anyone
But let’s be clear:
They frequently turned a deaf ear
To talk of contingency planning
But they employ a great sloganeer
And you can all see it happening:
A failing government labelling you a hero
Because they’re getting it into the public’s head
Before they have to tell them that you’re dead.

But let’s be clear,
Dead heroes are no use to anyone.

Quietly Terrified

Jason’s lucky, he’s been working from home
He can do a Teams meeting or talk on the phone
He’s available by email but never alone
With his wife and kids in the background
But there’s some work that he needs to see
Something that can’t be done remotely
He’s gonna ask them for another nominee
Because he’s quietly terrified

Joanna’s going supermarket shopping
She lost an online spot, but a least no one’s coughing
A good hour’s queue is still pretty shocking
But at least they’re two metres apart
She’s got gloves and a mask off the internet
So she don’t get infected by the people that she might’ve met
Her precautions are about as good as she can get
She’s quietly terrified

Jason and Joanna have key worker status
They’re part of the local government apparatus
But they’re unlikely to actually say to us
They’re working on the frontline
Jason and Joanna should try being a nurse
Or a doctor in the NHS or driving a hearse
Or driving a bus which is probably worse
They’re quietly terrified

Quietly terrified, the state of the nation
Doing their best in lonely isolation
Slowly losing their anticipation
That the government would know what to do
Quietly terrified, and losing their confidence
In the daily government press conference
No exit strategy that makes any kind of sense
They’re quietly terrified

 

NB Jason and Joanna are fictional characters. The government, on the other hand, are terrifyingly, incompetently, real.

Captain Tom (Better Keep Walking)

Two million useless home test kits
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
Bought while summoning the spirit of the Blitz
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
The PHE media chatter
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
Said testing the test was just a small matter
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
So it might vex, and it might irk
That two million home test kits don’t work
(Captain Tom better keep walking)

Dumbing the PPE standards down
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
‘Cos there still ain’t enough of the right sort of gown
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
Welcome to the global marketplace
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
Where it seems that we’re not winning the race
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
An economic throw of the dice
Even the swabs are ten times the price
(Captain Tom better keep walking)

Captain Tom confined to his garden
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
As social distancing guidelines harden
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
And if Captain Tom should need assistance
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
His helper would have to keep their distance
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
Six foot six between the joggers and the shoppers
But Westminster Bridge is covered in coppers
(Captain Tom better keep walking)

Sunak found the magic money tree
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
But he can’t seem to use it to buy PPE
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
While Hancock, whose word is not his bond
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
Now says he needs a magic wand
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
And selling badges to cover this mess
Shows they don’t care about the NHS
So Captain Tom better keep walking

Mild Symptoms

Charlie’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And Boris has got ‘em (mild symptoms)
Now Matt’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And they all got tested too

Matt says that he’s working from home
He says that you should too
But you can’t build luxury flats on the phone
You still have to get on the tube

Charlie’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And Boris has got ‘em (mild symptoms)
Now Matt’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And they all got tested too

Boris says he’s working from home
He’s urging you to do the same
But you can’t fix washing machines on the phone
And stayin’ home just won’t pay

Charlie’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And Boris has got ‘em (mild symptoms)
Now Matt’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And they all got tested too

Charlie’s working from one of his homes
But his staff don’t get a say
He can be the heir to the throne on the phone
‘Cos no-one’s listening anyway

Charlie’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And Boris has got ‘em (mild symptoms)
Now Matt’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And they all got tested too

Mild symptoms – not everybody gets ‘em
Mild symptoms – nor the level of protection
Mild symptoms – and tests for politicians
But not for the nurses or the clinicians

Charlie’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And Boris has got ‘em (mild symptoms)
Now Matt’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And they all got tested too
They all got tested too