Pandemic Posts, Songs and Poems: The Full List

  1. Quarantine the Queen
  2. Cull the Herd
  3. A Period of Great Concern
  4. Bog Roll Billionaire
  5. Nudge
  6. The Lockdown
  7. Mother’s Day in the Johnson House
  8. Lockdown Limbo
  9. The List
  10. The Day the Penny Dropped
  11. Charlie’s Got the Virus
  12. Shut Down the Sites
  13. Mild Symptoms
  14. Tories Get Tests
  15. Dominic Ran Away
  16. A Government Strategy Meeting
  17. The Lockdown, Week Two
  18. Fly ‘Em Home
  19. Goats!
  20. Tell ‘Em We’ll Test ‘Em Tomorrow
  21. Nurses! Never Forget
  22. 59 Billionaires
  23. Bog Roll v. Guns
  24. Just Another Day in Quarantine
  25. He’s Going in for Tests
  26. The Lockdown, Week Three
  27. Pirate President Trump
  28. The Government Pecking Order
  29. Who Cares What Nigel Farage Says?
  30. Priti Patel
  31. Robert Jenrick
  32. He is Risen
  33. Jacob’s Making Money
  34. Priti Sorry
  35. What Did You Do in the Lockdown, Dad?
  36. Untitled (14th April 2020)
  37. Put Him on the Spot
  38. Matt Hancock’s Badge
  39. Today’s Press Conference: It’s Working
  40. Matt Hancock’s Magic Wand
  41. Captain Tom (Better Keep Walking)
  42. Quietly Terrified
  43. Boris Bunks Off
  44. News From Necker Island
  45. Dead Heroes Are No Use to Anyone
  46. Liverpool 2-3 Atletico Madrid
  47. Should I Be Wearing a Mask?
  48. The Bunnies, the Beagles, and You
  49. B&Q
  50. St. George’s Day 2020
  51. Sunshine and Disinfectant
  52. Jason and the Virus
  53. Corona Universe
  54. The Prime Minister Prepares to Return to Work
  55. Holding Your Breath
  56. Sixty Thousand Pounds
  57. Daily Press Briefing, 28th April 2020 (Matt Hancock)
  58. Baby Boris is Born
  59. Spaffer Fixes Bayonets
  60. Rachel on the Radio
  61. What’s Gonna Happen When the Clapping Stops?
  62. Are You Ready?
  63. The Sickest Man in Europe
  64. Professor Lockdown
  65. Matt Hancock’s NHS
  66. VE Day
  67. This is England
  68. Shut Up
  69. A New Slogan
  70. Too Little, and Just Not Enough
  71. Heigh-Ho
  72. Britain First Want Their Virus Back
  73. Daily Mail: Let Our Teachers Be Heroes
  74. Work Is Safe (Tell ‘Em)
  75. Where Is Mr. Johnson?
  76. Has Anybody Checked the Fridge?
  77. When Tories Clap
  78. Five Tests
  79. World Beating
  80. Swimming With Sharks
  81. Herd Immunity Cummings (Gets Caught Breaking the Rules)
  82. Dominic Ran Away (Again)
  83. 22 Days (Of Dither and Delay)
  84. A Daily Mail Poll
  85. Hey, Dido!
  86. Barbeque Season
  87. On Not Following the Science
  88. Professor Jonathan Van-Tam
  89. Derek
  90. Untitled (3rd June 2020)
  91. More on Masks
  92. Here’s the New Normal
  93. No More ‘Til September
  94. Another Day, Another Press Conference
  95. Iain Duncan Smith/Trail of Bodies
  96. A Statue of Boris Johnson
  97. The Rights of Dogs
  98. What Dowden Didn’t Say Yesterday
  99. Farmer Dom
  100. Trust
  101. Derek and the Germans
  102. Jason Gets the Call
  103. Johnson Has Washed His Hands
  104. Patient 91
  105. The Lockdown, Part Four
  106. Super Spreader Saturday
  107. Spaghetti Bolognese (A Very English Tea)
  108. Coronavirus 1-0 Bolsonaro
  109. My COVID Discount
  110. Should I Be Wearing a Mask? (You Had to Ask)
  111. A Masked Man Walks Into a Bar
  112. Should I Be Wearing a Mask? (July)
  113. Derek Won’t Wear a Mask
  114. Cassie Sunshine (Is Wearing a G-String on Her Face)
  115. Chingford to Oxford Circus via Walthamstow Central
  116. Don’t Cough Over Your Cat
  117. (Living Life on the Lookout For) A Second Wave
  118. Local Lockdowns, Part One
  119. Ayanda Capital
  120. They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?
  121. A Man With a Fascist Flag
  122. Should I Be Wearing a Mask? Part Six
  123. Untitled (7th September 2020)
  124. Has Hancock Lost Control?
  125. Ferrari’s Furlough Fraudsters
  126. The Under 21’s
  127. Operation Moonshot
  128. Tofu Bats and Tofu Pangolins
  129. The Rule of Six
  130. Ian, Noel and ‘Van
  131. Leyton Orient 0-19 COVID
  132. Facemasks at Half Mast
  133. Rishi Sunak (We Know a Song About You)
  134. Hands, Face, Pasty
  135. Will it End in Tiers?
  136. The Children of the First XV
  137. (Whatever Happened To) Jason and Joanna?
  138. This Ship is Lost at Sea
  139. Tear Down the Fence
  140. From World-Beating to Scraping the Play-Offs
  141. Cummings, Cain and Princess Nut-Nut
  142. Christmas Bubble Trouble
  143. On Substantiality and Scotch Eggs
  144. Williamson v. Ferrari: Brexit Gambit Declined
  145. Christmas With the Vulnerables
  146. An Eyeful of Nose
  147. Behave as if You Have the Virus
  148. The Golden-Haired Boy
  149. ‘Tis the Season to be Jolly Careful
  150. Right Bullets, Wrong Gun
  151. My Postie’s Being Bullied by Iain Duncan Smith
  152. According to Paul
  153. Jacob’s Fish are Happy Fish
  154. Cough Away
  155. Maxine and Henry
  156. A Million Pounds a Day
  157. One Zero Zero, Zero Zero Zero
  158. The Tory Party Donor Money-Go-Round
  159. Free Stuff Jesus
  160. Keith Likes It
  161. 3-0 Up
  162. Clap a Tory, Pay a Nurse
  163. A Trip to Mars
  164. Jason and Joanna: Vaccine Wars
  165. A Minute’s Silence
  166. Capitalism and Greed
  167. Respect
  168. Spaffed
  169. Colin the COVID Cat
  170. Let the Bodies Pile High
  171. For Hug’s Sake
  172. The State of the Opening of Parliament
  173. Kick It ‘Til It Breaks
  174. Hancock, the Care Home Killer

Hancock, the Care Home Killer

Hancock, the Care Home Killer
Says he’s saving lives
While Barnard Castle Cummings
Is sharpening his knives
To no avail, as nothing sticks
To the Teflon Tory
Who’s taken his tricks
To Westminster Cathedral, no less
To marry number three, Carrie
(I hear you’re a Catholic now, father)
But, I digress
Hancock, the Care Home Killer
Who connived
To send the virus into care homes
But said that he was saving lives
Continues to tell lies
As Cummings’ evidence provides
So when all this is over, don’t forget
Even as the statue of Boris Johnson’s getting wet
That the ministerial hand upon that tiller
Belonged to Hancock, the Care Home Killer

The State of the Opening of Parliament

She’s in the Daimler, not the gold carriage of state,
While the million-pound hat is in separate freight,
Pulling in through the Westminster palace gate.
It’s Black Rod’s big day out.

Where they always slam the door in her face
Before she bangs it thrice with her staff (not her mace)
To summon the Commons to the other place
To hear what this term’s all about.

These days, the crown’s heavy on the royal head
So, it’s relegated to a cushion instead
While the Queen’s speech sets out the year ahead
And new laws for those hereabout.

My Lords, she says, and you commoner lot,
My government would like to buy me a yacht,
But while the pandemic remains a blot
They’d best leave that bit out.

So, my government (led by that chap with the hair)
Will promise that the recovery’s fair,
While remaining silent on the social care
They reckon you can do without.

And my government’s Procurement Bill
Will make their contracts easier still
For the likes of Hancock’s mates to fulfil
When they’re in need of a handout.

My government will not require
Employers to desist from fire and rehire.
It’s enough to make a prince perspire,
The stuff that they’ve left out.

The state of the opening of Parliament
Where the Queen sets out Spaffer’s intent
In the gaps between what’s said and what’s meant.
It’s Black Rod’s big day out.

Chingford residents News

“They’re a different type of immigrant,” says Jean,
“They’re not here to graft, to care, to cook or clean.”
“They’re smuggled here for profit,”
“And someone ought to stop it.”
“Our tiny island’s full,” she vents her spleen.

And Barbara chimes, “They’re all illegal too.”
“Not behaving like the genuine ones would do.”
“We don’t want the ones like these,”
“In their virus-ridden dinghies.”
Her vote, you guess, is a Priti, Tory blue.

The hardened hearts of Chingford all refer,
To the Mail Online and Johnson’s veiled slur
On London’s current mayor,
Makes you wonder and despair
What type of immigrant they think his parents were.

And if you really must read the article in the Mail Online….

An Old Man Dies

The woman in the million-pound hat
Lost her husband.
I’m sure she’s sad about that.
I mean,
He started courting her
When she was thirteen.
Thirteen?!
Well, it was different then,
Men could be men,
And have fascist chums,
And shoot tigers with guns.
And wealth and privilege allowed him
To not grow up with the world around him,
Which he toured, by yacht and by jet
Being racist to many of the folk he met
Who won’t be sorry that his race is run
And won’t be tuning in to BBC1.

Capitalism and Greed

“We’ll make fortunes, I bet,” Capitalism said.
“Agreed,” said Greed.
“At every step there’ll be a contract to be let.”
“Let them to me,” said Greed.
“I’ve no experience of health or PPE,
But I’ll make big donation to the Tory party.”
“Let’s make a Covid killing,” Capitalism said.
And Greed agreed.

“The usual arrangement?” Capitalism said.
“Agreed,” said Greed.
“Obscure procurement rules unashamedly bent?”
“Sounds good to me,” said Greed.
“Don’t worry if we make a mess,
We’ll just make out that it was the NHS.”
“Let’s make a Covid killing,” Capitalism said.
And Greed agreed.

“They’ve already laid the ground,” Capitalism said.
“Just what we need,” said Greed.
“To make a pretty penny off a pandemic pound.”
“They’re just like me,” said Greed.
“A bag of rocks in a suit with a mop on the top
Will help make sure that we profit from the lot.”
“Let’s make a Covid killing,” Capitalism said.
And Greed agreed.

A Minute’s Silence

A minute’s silence, a Union Jack,
A press conference, a doorstep clap.
A doorstep clap, a Union Jack
A press conference, a road map.
A road map, a Union Jack
A how many vaccines today recap.
A vaccine recap, a Union Jack
A minute’s silence, a doorstep clap.
A doorstep clap, a vaccine recap,
A minute’s silence, a Union Jack;
Won’t bring all those people back.

The Princess and the Presenter

Promoting her show bought her a stalker
A breakfast programme professional talker
Who’d say “Not all men” while just the sort
Who’d hack kids’ phones and not get caught
Thought he should have a princess, by right
On account of being rich, male and white
But she married her prince and left him a frog
And his mid-life crush, a one-sided dialogue
As she quite rightly saw fit to ignore
His emails, text messages and more


But Hell hath no fury like the male gaze scorned
And he’d met Epstein, she should’ve been warned
That the gutter press is his dominion
And trial in the court of public opinion
His stock in trade, where he took up arms
To do her reputation just as much harm
As he could, thinking only of himself
While claiming she was lying about her mental health
A step too far for ITV
As he parted company with GMB


But just wait for the “I’ve been cancelled” cry
As he gives his career another try
On a new opinion-led news station
Serving blinkered news to a blinkered nation
Where opinion is often fuelled by hate
And despite the facts given equal weight
Where like minds will give the airtime
To his “She ghosted me” incel whine
So, prepare to boycott that news organ
And let’s have a curfew for Piers Morgan


(There’s a lot of him about)

Something’s Got to Change

If not all men are rapists
And not all whites are racists
Why’s the loudest shouting out
Far too much of what about
And not enough of something’s got to change?

Because if not all men are rapists
And not all whites are racist
Then they should actually say this
That some of us are racists
And some of us are rapists
And something round here has got to change.