Super Spreader Saturday

Spaffer fired the starting pistol
On Super Spreader Saturday
Get out and spend your money folks
The pubs are opening today
We don’t know what the R-rate is
But we’ll tell you later
Cos our mates at Deloitte
Own all the data

The landlord with bunting his pub festoons
And Super Spreader Saturday balloons
For the brave, the reckless, the immunes
So Derek is heading off to ‘Spoons

Spaffer cried schools out for summer
On Super Spreader Saturday
A haircut, a haircut, my kingdom for a haircut
The barbershop is open today
We don’t know what the R-rate is
But we’ll let the pub open its door
‘Cos we don’t know what the rules are either
Or even what the rules are for

The landlord with Perspex his pub festoons
And Super Saturday disinfectant fumes
For the illusion that normality resumes
And Derek is heading off to ‘Spoons

If you think they’re stupid, look what the polls now say
About the likelihood of a second wave
The numbers don’t lie and they’ll make you shudder
We’re now more likely to blame each other

The landlord with Perspex his pub festoons
And Super Saturday disinfectant fumes
For the illusion that normality resumes
And Derek is heading off to ‘Spoons

 

Live Stream This Friday

C19 Part Three 2

Tune in to the Protest Family Facebook page this Friday to catch Steve performing some of the songs from part three of his pandemic in verse.

Part one, broadcast by Punk 4 The Homeless took us from the Queen in quarantine to Dominic Cummings on the run from Downing Street. Part two, hosted by The Kimberley Jam went all the way from week two of the lockdown to Joanna holding her breath.

Part three will re-visit Joanna and Jason, introduce Derek and take us from the birth of Wilfred Johnson to the present day, taking in statues, demonstrations, eye tests and tracking and tracing along the way.

Access to the stream is free but donations to Tommy’s Kitchen’s Feed the Homeless fund raiser are most welcome if you can spare a couple of quid.

The Lockdown, Part Four

 

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Just like that it seemed that it was over.

People flocked to beaches and beauty spots, drank, danced and defecated under the shadow of over a hundred new deaths and a thousand new cases a day. The police were called to break up raves and street parties, sparking violence inevitable after months of fear and frustration while the blame was clearly directed at a feckless and disobedient public.

In truth the scene had been set some weeks earlier when prime ministerial adviser Dominic Cummings broke the lockdown rules, first to travel to his family home in County Durham and again with the ill-fated “eye-test” trip to Barnard Castle. Follow that with a laissez-faire PM relaxing the rules in such a complex way that even the most diligent commentators struggled with them and casually dismissing the daily press briefing as no longer required inevitably led to the public sense that the rules no longer either applied or mattered.

The two metre rule became one metre plus and you were deemed safe to be within virtual touching distance of another person so long as you took one of thirty-nine mitigating steps, one of which was to wash your hands more frequently. Barring gyms, swimming pools, beauty treatments and tattoo parlours, workplaces could re-open so long as they followed the governments occasionally specific, often vague “COVID Secure” advice. The pub trade was in chaos, publicans divided between those with open space for their customers and those without, those with apps and table service and those struggling for solutions, and those relieved of the burden of their rent by their brewery and those with their livelihood held to ransom by a pubco.

The rules had been downgraded to guidance.

Belligerent libertarians, although it’s doubtful that they would have described themselves as such, rang radio phone-ins demanding to know what had become of the second wave of infections predicted after the VE Day celebrations as their hosts lambasted the teaching unions and demanded a return to school for all.

It wasn’t yet the 4th of July when the news of a second spike and a city-wide continuation of the lockdown in Leicester reached us.

Patient 91

A stranger in town
Flew in from Bangkok, wheels down
Heads into town

A few hours to kill
In the Buddha Bar and Grill
Bring him the bill
He’s about to get ill

Some social media bluster
“You’re a time bomb, buster”
Heart of the Buddha Bar cluster

The fever struck him and a dozen more
Quarantine followed as per the law
Testing teams went door to door
Get him to the hospital, before he hits the floor

Now here’s where it goes bad fast
“Ventilate me now” he asked
His doctors steadfast
His story makes it to a national broadcast

Most places thirty days is days too late
In that state
A flick of the switch is your fate
But this is Ho Chi Minh City, and he lasts sixty-eight

He fell asleep in April, woke up in June
To the sounds of scooters, smells of monsoon
The virus worldwide in full bloom
He’s ready to give up his room

A bullet he would not expect to dodge
But this is Vietnam, and no one’s died on their watch

Who is he? This Stephen Cameron
Well, here he’s better known as
Patient ninety-one

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-53196009

Johnson Has Washed His Hands

A beach packed with punters
Creates a major incident
Johnson has washed his hands

From rules to guidance
From cognisance to dissonance
Johnson has washed his hands

A COVID spike
In abattoirs and factories
Johnson has washed his hands

A dialled in parliament
On pound shop batteries
Johnson has washed his hands

Keir passed the soap
And held the towel
While Johnson washed his hands

A welcomed announcement
Despite its disavowal
Helped Johnson to wash his hands

Stay at home as much as you can
While visiting the shops as much as possible
Says Johnson has washed his hands

While the march back to Wetherspoons
Is seemingly unstoppable
Because Johnson has washed his hands

Confused about the guidance
Scared or simply bitter
Johnson has washed his hands

The scientists’ advice
Relegated to Twitter
Because Johnson has washed his hands

Jason Gets the Call

Jason got the call.
Who is this?
Where did you get this number?
He wasn’t expecting this at all.
Joanna’s expression asked the question;
Dunno love, he shrugged.

They said “Sir, did you take a test?”
Jason said yes.

“You know you’ve had the virus”
Jason said yes
I’ve still got it I guess,
A bit of a temperature
A bit of a cough,
Joanna’s alright but I still feel off.
Why are you calling me today?
Am I OK?

“Sir, relax.
We just need to trace your contacts”

“Before we do can we ask
Sir, did you self-isolate?”
Sorry mate?
Did you mean I’d stayed at home?
Yes, 14 days
Like the guidance says
Yes, I stayed at home.
Not alone,
My wife is here
But her test was clear.

“Very good sir, we’re glad to hear.”

Before that, I went to work.

“Did you work from home?”

Well at first, but you see
The government opened up the economy.

“OK we see
So who was at work?”

Well, me
My boss, Brian, Gavin and Sharon
And..

“Sir did you stay two metres from ‘em?”

Well yes
And no I guess.
It’s work you see,
That’s not always easy.

“OK, We get the gist.
Can you make a list
Of everyone you worked with, then
We can get in touch with them.”

Well, I’m at home,
I don’t have everyone’s numbers in my phone.

“I see
Tell me where you work,
We’ll contact them directly.”

Jason obliged
But his list might be slightly compromised.
Joanna looked his way;
Jason looked away.

There’s something you should probably know
About me, about us.
She braced for the blow.
I went to work on the bus.

Derek and the Germans

Derek’s slagging off the Germans
Derek’s bursting with national pride
He doesn’t want us to be the worst ‘uns
He doesn’t want to count how many died

Derek’s slagging off the Germans
Derek reckons they’re due a second wave
He’s a flags and statues kinda person
With a blind eye for the failing UK

Derek’s slagging off the Germans
It’s patriotic, he explains
It’s your country of birth that determines
Who you support come what may

Derek’s slagging off the Germans
And women too by using that phrase
It’s another of Derek’s little sermons
And Angela’s getting it both ways

And I don’t suppose Derek will ever see
A pragmatic centrist such as she
Is exactly the politician that he craves
If he could only see past the flag he waves

Derek’s slagging off the Germans
Derek voted conservative
Derek’s vote helped determine
The pandemic mess that we’re now in

Trust

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Dominic to take a knee
Or any of the three with PPE

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Jacob not to take a nap
Or any of that world beating crap

You can’t trust anything they do or say
I never trusted Tories anyway

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Dominic with an eyetest
You can’t trust Priti in the slightest

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Rishi with the dinero
Or any of that world-beating crap

Ideology or incompetence, you choose
Whichever way your coin toss lands
It’s heads they win and tails you lose

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Michael with anything vital
Or any of that world-beating crap

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Gavin with your schools
You can’t trust this cabinet of fools

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Grant, you just can’t
And none of that world-beating crap

You can’t trust anything they do or say
I never trusted Tories anyway

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Michael with anything vital
Or any of that world-beating crap

Farmer Dom

Here’s Farmer Dom and his field full of data
Gather it all up, sell it on later
But Farmer Dom’s harvest went wrong
Cos nobody trusts Farmer Dom

Farmer Steve offered his assistance
But Farmer Steve encountered resistance
Farmer Steve said there’s a safer way
But Farmer Dom told him to go away

Here’s Farmer Dom and his field full of data
Gather it all up, sell it on later
But Farmer Dom’s harvest went wrong
Cos nobody trusts Farmer Dom

Farmer Larry said I can help too
You don’t need to do anything brand new
But Farmer Larry’s help stayed on the shelf
Cos Farmer Dom wants the harvest to himself

Here’s Farmer Dom and his field full of data
Gather it all up, sell it on later
But Farmer Dom’s harvest went wrong
Cos nobody trusts Farmer Dom

 

What Dowden Didn’t Say Yesterday

Let’s talk about reasonably priced Tim Tams
Cos if we don’t, we’ll talk about the app.
Let’s talk about Aussies and boomerangs
Cos if we don’t we’ll talk about the app (it doesn’t work).

Let’s talk about the Premier League
Cos if we don’t, we’ll talk about the app.
They’re gonna show it on the BBC
While we’re not talking about the app (it doesn’t work).

Let’s talk about public toilets
Cos if we don’t we’ll talk about the app.
This press briefing’s almost pointless
If it’s not talking about the app (which doesn’t work).

Let’s talk about theatres and music
Cos if we don’t we’ll talk about the app.
We can’t use it but don’t want to lose it,
Like we’re happy to lose the app (it doesn’t work).

Dowden’s not got a lot to say
And nothing to say about the app.
A particularly dull press conference today
With nothing to say about the app (which doesn’t work).