Leyton Orient 0-19 COVID

One of the players has got a cough, Boss
One of the players has got a cough
One of the players, should we take him off Boss?
One of the players has got a cough

One of the players is feeling hot, Boss
One of the players is feeling hot
One of the players, he’s the best we’ve got Boss
One of the players is feeling hot
Should we take him off?

One of the players lost his sense of smell, Boss
One of the players lost his sense of smell
One of the players, who should we tell Boss?
Whatever you do, don’t tell the EFL, Boss
One of the players lost his sense of smell

One of the players is feeling unwell, Boss
One of the players is feeling unwell
He’s lost his sense of smell, don’t tell the EFL, Boss
One of the players is feeling unwell

One of the players is off the pace, Boss
One of the players is off the pace
Shouldn’t we we do the test and trace, Boss?
If one of the players is off the pace

One of the players is burning up, Boss
One of the players is burning up
There’s a televised fixture coming up, Boss
I’m not sure that we’re up for the cup, Boss
‘Cos one of the players is burning up

The fans will have to watch on their screens, Boss
The fans will have to watch on their screens
If we can’t even keep our hands clean, Boss
The fans will have to watch on their screens

The Rule of Six

Your mum, your dad, your aunt, your nan,
The man who drives the Yodel van,
Your uncle Bob and his mate, Stan
And Hassan who’s from Pakistan
Are banned
You understand?
That gatherings of your loved ones
Are limited to six persons
The seventh and eighth don’t get to come
Unless they’re carrying a gun
So, Hassan who’s from Pakistan
Your uncle Bob and his mate, Stan
The man who drives the Yodel van
Your mum, your dad, your aunt and your nan
Are all off to a grouse shoot, man.

Tofu Bats and Tofu Pangolins

No, I don’t believe in god she says
But I do believe in pestilence and plague
You’ve just got to look around these days
To see this shit’s man-made
There ain’t much left round here that Jesus could save
Not while the boom bust cycle of suffer and recover
Is long on the suffer and short on recover
And the government is just a machine
To turn public money into private greed
Disaster capital’s here to stay, it seems
And I don’t bang on about the furry little fuckers
But here’s where I get my angle in
‘Cos no one ever made themselves sick
Eating tofu bats
And tofu pangolins

No, I don’t believe in god she says
‘Cos I don’t understand a Tory who prays
Then goes to work to be the best he can
At the very expense of his fellow man
Clapping for the NHS on his Facebook page
While the boom bust cycle of suffer and recover
Is strong on the suffer and weak on the recover
And the government is just a means
Of giving the public purse a squeeze
Into offshore tax-free banking schemes
And I don’t bang on about the furry little fuckers
But here’s where I get my angle in
‘Cos no one ever made themselves ill
Eating tofu bats
And tofu pangolins

Operation Moonshot

Is Operation Moonshot
The best that you’ve got?
Chucking in our lot
With a punt on a long shot?

Astronaut Spaffer, it has to be said
Is comfortable speaking out the back of his head
But a 20-minute test when you get out of bed
Sounds like he’s just bet it all on red

Is Operation Moonshot
The best that you’ve got?
Chucking in our lot
With a punt on a long shot?

Cosmonaut Spaffer of the rule of six
Reckons he’s got a long-term fix
A quick test between toothpaste and lacing up your kicks
Trouble is it doesn’t yet exist

Is Operation Moonshot
The best that you’ve got?
Chucking in our lot
With a punt on a long shot?

Starfleet Spaffer’s new COVID marshal
Badge and gun, pledge to be impartial
Breaking up a seven-plus party in your local
Doing it for free, there’s no money on the table

Is Operation Moonshot
The best that you’ve got?
Chucking in our lot
With a punt on a long shot?

Spaceman Spaffer’s shooting for the moon
Spit in the pot, you’ll know pretty soon
If you’re going back to work or back to your room
Are we watching a PM or a cartoon?

Is Operation Moonshot
The best that you’ve got?
Chucking in our lot
With a punt on a long shot?

The Under 21s

You’ve relaxed too much says Van Tam
Relax, go back to work says that Johnson man
Is it any wonder you’re confused?
Does anyone understand all the rules?
Stick to your guns
Blame the under 21’s

A harder, faster lockdown in Bolton
Let’s hope the locals don’t get their revolt on
Don’t let the subject pass their eyes
That the response is still too centralised
Stick to your guns
Blame the under 21’s

It’s the uni crowd the way they carry on and party
You know that term ain’t actually started
But the numbers from the test and trace don’t lie
Who do you think’s in the service industry front line?
Stick to your guns
Blame the under 21’s

They’re better than us without even trying
They know when politicians are lying
The mess of the world, they understand it
Just as we’re about to underhand it
So when election time comes
Remember who you blamed: the under 21’s

Ferrari’s Furlough Fraudsters

He’s dog-whistling up the news
The favourite sport of the populist columnist
From The Currant Bun to The News of the Screws
The chance to scapegoat’s rarely missed
So, ring the show, grass up your neighbours
Hold fast the fruits of your own labours
Pull up the ladder, lock up your daughters
Here come Ferrari’s Furlough Fraudsters

Untitled (7th September 2020)

If you want one of our world-beating tests
Then mate, you’d better have access to a car
While Hancock’s still spouting they’re the best
I’ll tell ya, you’re gonna have to travel far

My mate in north London got Leicester
A fella in Manchester got Dundee
At least my mate went to his (200-mile round trip)
Manchester’s waiting for a better slot to be released

You could, of course, go postal
Wait for the swab kit to hit your mat
There’s limited numbers of those, mind you
So, y’know, good luck with that

The expert said that he’s alarmed
3000 cases and the graph’s contour
The health secretary remained calm
Says work and school is COVID secure (yeah, right)

A busy pub with a Perspex screen
The floor stickers wearing thin (and pretty much ignored)
You can’t mask up when you eat and drink
What’s gonna happen d’you think?

Should I Be Wearing a Mask? Part Six

Your mum, your dad, your aunt, your nan,
The man who drives the Yodel van,
Your uncle Bob and his mate, Stan
And Hassan who’s from Pakistan
All understand
That they shouldn’t have to ask
Their neighbour to put on a mask
Indoors, in shops, or on the train,
In the sunshine or the rain,
In a taxi or a plane
Even if it is a pain,
Even if it feels disposed to smother,
Your face cover
Shows love and respect for one another.
So, don’t be like the deniers,
The conspiracy theory plyers,
The David Icke’s book buyers,
The BUF flag flyers.
Be kind and understand
Like Hassan who’s from Pakistan
Your uncle Bob and his mate, Stan
The man who drives the Yodel van
Your mum, your dad, your aunt and your nan.