He’s on pump number two with a jerry can He’s filled up the missus’ car and his work’s van He’s not panic buying, he’s a hard-working man A former bog roll billionaire
‘Cos it’s all going toilet rolls at Esso And it’s all going toilet rolls at BP “It’s bad, very bad,” says Hanna Hofer They’re queuing down the A13
He’s on pump number two with a jerry can And he’s got three full ones in the van ‘Cos last year’s lesson is this year’s plan For a bog roll billionaire
And it’s all going toilet rolls at Tesco It’s all going toilet rolls at Shell “Carry on as normal,” says Grant Shapps But he’s filling up his car as well
He’s on pump number two with a jerry can Saying “It’s not Brexit, it’s Covid, man” With the all the credibility of a sauna snowman With the bog roll billionaires
‘Cos it’s all going toilet rolls in Westminster It’s all going toilet rolls, upstairs ‘Cos a nation divided is a nation ruled By bog roll billionaires
We breathe it out, plants breathe it in, It’s the bubbles in your Tizer. Carbon dioxide, CO2, The uses might surprise ya, Like suffocating pigs and chickens Before the slaughterhouse knife, Or modified atmosphere packaging To make old leaves look nice. Spaffer’s running out of gas, Literally and metaphorically, As Uncle Sam says “Sorry, my man,” And we face a new fuel poverty. Now he ain’t got the bubbles to push lager into glasses Or the heating kind that comes from cows arses, ‘Cos the fertiliser factories get all funny When they think they won’t make any money. We breathe it out, plants breathe it in It’s the bubbles in your Stella Artois There used to be far too much of it And campaigns to give up a touch of it Now there ain’t even enough it, It’s bizarre.
There’s politics for people who do politics And politics for people who don’t do politics, And the politics for people who don’t do politics Hides behind the politics for people who do politics Who say “You all need to understand the politics” To people who say “It’s all the same, the politics” While the politics is laughing in their face, And ripping off their money to give it to their mates Who are having a great time riding rockets into space. Meanwhile, the politics for people who do politics Gets all excited by the kerfuffle Of a cabinet reshuffle, While the people who don’t do politics exclaim “It doesn’t matter they’re all the same.” And they might just have a point. Because while the people who do politics scream “Oh no, Nadine”, or even Nadhim, The politics for people who don’t do politics Has them on their knees, Fails to manage the disease, Increases taxes by degrees, Is killing off the bees, Says daft things about cheese, And wants to go to war with the Chinese. So, the people who do politics Should understand the politics for people who do politics Puts off the people who don’t do politics From the politics for people that don’t do politics That’s doing them.
Nikki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s testicles Swole up from the vaccine she claims And his bride-to-be glum With the size of his plums Shot down their wedding in flames
Nikki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s testicles Shining stars of her anti-vax Tweets As they increased in size Oversaw the demise Of his prowess between the sheets
Nikki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s testicles His poor swollen Castor and Pollux But Professor Chris When asked about this Said it’s all undoubtedly bollocks
You can’t take a chicken by surprise, James You can’t take a chicken by surprise Nick don’t care how it dies Nick just likes chicken pies And you can’t take a chicken by surprise
You can’t eat your burger in peace, James You can’t eat your burger in peace Although Nick loves the grease Of the recently deceased You can’t eat your burger in peace
You can’t take your mother to the vets, Ed You can’t take your mother to the vets They might be great with pets But the BMA regrets That you can’t take your mother to the vets
You can’t take a chicken by surprise, James You can’t take a chicken by surprise You might deny their demise As food supply compromise But you can’t take a chicken by surprise
If you were listening to LBC today, you may have heard James O’Brien’s, admittedly unfinished, debate about the relative sentience of cows and chickens as justification for the various methods of their slaughter for food. Earlier, Nick Ferrari was comfortable not really caring how the chicken died so long as he could eat it.
Later on, the conversation in Eddie Mair’s show turned to assisted dying with a caller bemoaning that we treat terminally ill humans worse than we treat their pets.
If you halve child poverty, will they all be half as poor? Or will half be as poor as all they were before? What sort of compromise With government lies About austerity and poverty And children going hungry Says well, we’ll meet you halfway there
The judgement of Solomon is somehow lost on them The biblical rule said going halves ain’t cool What kind of compromise With folk that you despise Says, you know well maybe If we can’t have all the baby Says well, we’ll meet you halfway there
We went looking for the centre, but all we found was the system There ain’t no halfway there
The judgement of Solomon is somehow lost on them The biblical rule said going halves ain’t cool What kind of compromise With folk that you despise Says, you know well maybe If we can’t have all the baby Says well, we’ll meet you halfway there
We went looking for the centre, but all we found was the system There ain’t no halfway there
There ain’t no halfway There ain’t no halfway there
Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube When the prince wants to brush his teeth Mr Toothpaste fences the loot That other dignitaries bequeath Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage When the prince can only use one hand And if you want a dodgy CBE Mr Toothpaste is your man
When you change your clothes five times a day You might need someone to put ‘em away In royal circles that’s called a valet And Prince Charles, he’s got four (if not more)
Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube When the prince wants to brush his teeth Mr Toothpaste fences the loot That other dignitaries bequeath Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage When the prince can only use one hand And if you want a dodgy CBE Mr Toothpaste is your man
Breaking your arm is an inconvenience Lady Luck don’t show royals any lenience But Michael is a valet with such an allegiance He’ll hold it while the Prince has a piss (so he don’t miss)
Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube When the prince wants to brush his teeth Mr Toothpaste fences the loot That other dignitaries bequeath Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage When the prince can only use one hand And if you want a dodgy CBE Mr Toothpaste is your man
The director of the royal cock holds a special place And he’ll never face a discrimination case Whatever happened anyway to the rape tapes Some things we’ll never know (ain’t that so?)
Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube When the prince wants to brush his teeth Mr Toothpaste fences the loot That other dignitaries bequeath Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage When the prince can only use one hand And if you want a dodgy CBE Mr Toothpaste is your man
Now Prince Charles’ influence could help a fellow out But how to curry favour with a fellow of such clout? Well extravagant gifts will help, no doubt That Toothpaste will turn into cash (well that’s rash)
Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube When the prince wants to brush his teeth Mr Toothpaste fences the loot That other dignitaries bequeath Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage When the prince can only use one hand And if you want a dodgy CBE Mr Toothpaste is your man
Now it turns out that what folk actually think is wrong Is accepting wads of cash in exchange for a gong Something I’m pretty sure they’ve done all along So Toothpaste’s fallen on his sword (once more)
Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube When the prince wants to brush his teeth Mr Toothpaste fences the loot That other dignitaries bequeath Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage When the prince can only use one hand And if you want a dodgy CBE Mr Toothpaste is your man And when Prince Charles needs to pee Mr Toothpaste is your man
Father Michael only liked liturgical music But he never shot a folk singer in the head Even when atheist lyric and rhyme Where enough to make a man of god see red. Meanwhile north of Kabul, The Taliban Shot an Afghan man For singing songs they consider haram.
Father Michael only liked liturgical music And insisted it was on the curriculum But at least he wanted girls as well as boys To understand the music of Christendom. Meanwhile in the USA, The Texas pro-lifers, they say Are hitting women’s rights harder than That other mob in Afghanistan.
Father Michael only like liturgical music But he thought shooting folk singers was a sin. He never pronounced on the war on terror I suspect it was never expected of him, But on the issue of abortion He’d have exercised some caution And while decrying the Afghan Taliban coup Would wonder when the Texans would start shooting folk singers too.
Steve White & The Protest Family 