Dear Mr. Johnson

Professor Chris in a darkened room
With his message of doom, his message of gloom
Says get your booster and get it soon
That’s his message to you

Professor Chris on podium two
Says don’t breathe on folks that you don’t have to
And try not to let them breathe on you
That’s his message to you

But now they’re looking at you like the monkeys in the zoo do
The naked ape that hasn’t got a clue
Throwing chimps’ tea parties and denying them too
Now it’s time for you

(So)
Bye bye, farewell, fuck off
Bye bye, farewell, fuck off
Bye bye, farewell, and then fuck off from there as well
Bye bye, farewell, fuck off
(You insufferable toff)

The football fans know it, the darts fans know it
If there’s a party, you’re gonna throw it
If there’s bad seed, you’re gonna sow it
It’s time for you to go

(It’s)
Bye bye, farewell, fuck off
Bye bye, farewell, fuck off
Bye bye, farewell, and then fuck off from there as well
Bye bye, farewell, fuck off
(You insufferable toff)

Bye bye, farewell, it’s time you blew
And take Jacob Rees-Mogg along with you
And Iain Duncan Smith and the ERG crew
In fact anyone identified as blue
It’s time for you

‘Cos they’re looking at you like the monkeys in the zoo do
The naked apes that haven’t got a clue
Throwing chimps tea parties and denying them too
Now it’s time for you

(It’s)
Bye bye, farewell, fuck off
Bye bye, farewell, fuck off
Bye bye, farewell, and then fuck off from there as well
Bye bye, farewell, fuck off
(You insufferable toff)
Bye bye, farewell, fuck off

Plan B

Work from home if you can work from home
Unless there’s a secret Santa party.
You’ll need a Covid pass if there’s enough folk
But we’re still having Downing Street festives, aren’t we?
Cover your face in public venues
Unless you’re having cheese and wine
And a lateral flow test might suffice
But you were never there’s still the party line.
Rest assured that everyone follows the guidance
At all events that you deny ever happen
And double down in faux outrage
When you see the clip of Allegra Stratton.
Contacts are okay if they test every day,
The Emperor’s new clothes are plain to see:
Don’t do as I do, do as I say,
It’s the 8th day of Advent, here’s Plan B.

Nikki Minaj’s Cousin’s Friend’s Testicles

Nikki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s testicles
Swole up from the vaccine she claims
And his bride-to-be glum
With the size of his plums
Shot down their wedding in flames

Nikki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s testicles
Shining stars of her anti-vax Tweets
As they increased in size
Oversaw the demise
Of his prowess between the sheets

Nikki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s testicles
His poor swollen Castor and Pollux
But Professor Chris
When asked about this
Said it’s all undoubtedly bollocks