Waitrose Woman and Meal Deal Man

Waitrose Woman loves Meal Deal Man
But she’s doesn’t understand
How he’s just getting by

Waitrose Woman loves Meal Deal Man
But she doesn’t understand
And she’s forgetting why

Waitrose Woman works in the city
Loves low taxes and the NHS
Waitrose Woman lives in Surrey
Has two kids and a dog called Bess
Waitrose woman likes Radio 4
She doesn’t really feel the culture war
She feels very sorry for the kids of the poor
She buys their dusters at the door
She knows that she’s okay
She knows that she’s okay

Meal Deal Man lives in the city
He’s already eaten his one-a-day
Meal Deal Man works for a living
But he’s going to the food bank today
Meal Deal Man gets his benefits paid
He lies in the bed they say he made
His shirt is clean but his collar is frayed
He used to vote but just feels betrayed
He knows he’s not okay
He knows he’s not okay

Meal Deal Man drinks a Wetherspoons coffee
It’s not very nice but the pub is warm
Meal Deal Man knows there’s heat in the bookies
And they’ll leave him alone to study the form
Meal Deal Man’s card gets declined
Meal Deal Man knows life’s unkind
Meal Deal Man’s been left behind
Even though he’s always tried
He knows he’s not okay
He knows he’s not okay

Waitrose Woman likes a glass of wine
A ripe avocado and wholemeal bread
Waitrose Woman loves her warm kitchen
And cool sheets when she slips into bed
Waitrose Woman knows we’re all the same
She feels very sorry for the sick and the lame
She thinks that poverty is a shame
But hard work is the name of the game
She knows that she’s okay
She knows that she’s okay

Waitrose Woman loves Meal Deal Man
But she’s doesn’t understand
How he’s just getting by

Waitrose Woman loves Meal Deal Man
But she doesn’t understand
And she’s forgetting why
She’s forgetting why
She’s forgetting why
She’s forgetting why

Sunak vs. Truss: The TV Debates

She’s cosplaying poor
He’s a mansplaining bully
There are points to be scored
If her memory’s woolly
Of nice days in Roundhay
She wants you to choose
Between her cheapo Claire’s earrings
And his posh Prada shoes
I’m the son of a chemist
Rich Rishi declares
I helped serve curry
And with Mum’s tax affairs
But he’s interrupting
Like privilege does
The audience deducting
For his hedge fund boss buzz
While both of ‘em forget
That they’re part of the problem
What they promise to fix
Was just broken by ‘em
They disagree on tax hikes
But both agree to break strikes
Mick Lynch was right
About how far they’re right
It’s the choice of a kicking
From her boots or his shoes
Come September
Who will Waitrose Woman choose?

Liz Truss and the Race For PM

From Yorkshire tea farms to British cheese
And broken treaties to spats with the Chinese
And mixing up the Black and the Baltic seas
She has the support of 86 MPs

From a Mrs T haircut and a picture in a tank
To ducking debates where she might draw a blank
She wants to squeeze families and bang the dumb
She’s the Anyone But Rishi for your conservative chum

From the bloke off Have I Got News For You
To the woman off I’m Sorry, I Haven’t A Clue
The shortcoming of ‘em running is as shocking as it’s stunning
Brace yourselves Britain, the cheese woman is coming

Bye, Bye, Farewell, Fuck Off

Nurses using foodbanks
Security tags on Lurpacks
His legacy ain’t witty repartee
That fella off the TV
Blow me ain’t he funny
It’s poverty
And lies
And blind eyes
And meetings with spies
The drive to privatise
The drive to Barnard Castle too
The first clue
To another rule for you
And racist too
Deportations to Rwanda
Priti Patel and her
Dog whistle, but the agenda’s his
The question master for a boozy lockdown quiz
The lies are his
The sex pests his
The rule makers breaking rules are his
Corrupt is what it is
Government on behalf of bosses, bankers and billionaires
The people about whom he cares
So wish him bye, bye and farewell
And he can fuck off from there as well
And when he walks, let him keep walking
Don’t ever tune in when he’s talking
Don’t read his books or his columns
Because you were never his problem
He’d let you starve for political gain
And we don’t want to see him round here again

Larry Gets the Big Calls Right

Over Peston’s shoulder, Sajid’s taking a walk
Over Peston’s shoulder, Rishi’s stopped talking the talk
Over Peston’s shoulder, Jonathan Gullis is finally gonna do one
Over Peston’s shoulder, it’s all starting to come undone

Over Peston’s shoulder, Larry’s licking his balls
And that’s what we call getting the big calls right
The big calls right

Over Peston’s shoulder, Parish is watching porn
Over Peston’s shoulder, Paterson’s treating the rules with scorn
Over Peston’s shoulder, there’s another sexual assault
While Spaffer’s still pretending that nothing’s his fault

Over Peston’s shoulder, Larry’s licking his balls
And that’s what we call getting the big calls right
The big calls right

Over Peston’s shoulder, Bim has had enough
Over Peston’s shoulder, Chalk is cutting up rough
Over Peston’s shoulder, Virginia Crosbie, Nichola Richards and Saqib Bhatti MP
Said it’s not for me

Over Peston’s shoulder, Larry’s licking his balls
And that’s what we call getting the big calls right
The big calls right

Spaffer and the Pincher

Pincher by name, pincher by nature
Spaffer backed the groper until it hit the paper
Known to be handsy, where’s the hand you can’t see
Spaffer and the groper, wouldn’t you fancy
That they’re two of a kind, of the same mind
An exercise of power with the grasp of a behind
No surprise, therefore, to hear more lies
Complaints about the pincher that Spaffer denies
Ever hearing, but once he’s lied in a knot
Yet again, he’s simply going to say that he forgot