Kick It ‘Til It Breaks

Who has got the more slappable face?
Well, Scotch Egg Gove was leading the race
But now Horrible Hancock is in first place
You’ve gotta do what it takes
And kick it ‘til it breaks

Kick it ‘til it breaks
You gotta slap its silly face
And kick it ‘til it breaks

What I said was
What I meant was
What I said was
What I meant was
For fuck’s sake
Just kick it ‘til it breaks

And Cummings’ heroic self sacrifice bid
Ain’t gonna forgive what he did
A trip to the castle with his kid
God forbid
You’ve gotta kick it ‘til it breaks

Kick it ‘til it breaks
You gotta slap its silly face
And kick it ‘til it breaks

Then there’s the care home fiasco
The PPE that didn’t show
The clap a nurse but pay Dido
They’ve gotta go
You’ve gotta kick it ‘til it breaks

Kick it ‘til it breaks
You gotta slap its silly face
And kick it ‘til it breaks

Like a Hartlepool voter
An EU fishing quota
An Eton boater
Who cares not one iota
A pawnbroker playing poker
While the odour of the owner
Runs you over like a roller
Someone wake me when it’s over
And we can kick it ‘til it breaks

Respect

Let’s drape a flag over every rough sleeper
Wave one at every asylum seeker
Fly one proudly on every food bank
Use Union Jack tissues to blow your nose
Let’s place our hands over our hearts
Whenever the national anthem starts
And belt out the first half dozen words
Replacing the rest with der-der-ders

And show respect
You’ve gotta show respect
You’ve gotta show respect
If you don’t show respect what could happen next?

Let’s demonstrate our loyalties
By being mean to refugees
Daub the job centre red, white and blue
Hand plastic flags to the soup kitchen queue
Let’s place our hands over our hearts
Whenever the national anthem starts
And belt out the first half dozen words
Replacing the rest with der-der-ders

And show respect
You’ve gotta show respect
You’ve gotta show respect
If you don’t show respect what could happen next?

Cos if you don’t show respect
You might start thinking about what’s actually going on around you
One in 445 dead
A roadmap, where will it end?
From feudalism to cronyism via capitalism

And der-der-der the national anthem

And show respect
You’ve gotta show respect
You’ve gotta show respect
If you don’t show respect what could happen next?

Keith Likes It

Spaffer’s got a roadmap
And Keith likes it
A hearty virtual backslap
‘Cos Keith likes it

It’s cautious and irreversible
And Keith likes it
It’s economically purposeful
But educationally unworkable
And Keith likes it

When it comes to dealing with disease
Keith will always aim to please
Even if you’re on your knees
Keith will always say what he sees
And Keith likes it

Keith likes it
Keith likes it
Keith likes it
Keith likes it
Keith likes it

Matt’s got money for his mates
And Keith likes it
Despite the legal mess that it makes
Keith likes it

Priti is waving her flag
And Keith likes it
It’s a look at my patriotism brag
That plays well in the daily rag
And Keith likes it

When it comes to dealing with disease
Keith will always aim to please
Even if you’re on your knees
Keith will always say what he sees
And Keith likes it

Keith likes it
Keith likes it
Keith likes it
Keith likes it
Keith likes it

Blue Passport Fishing

Gunships, fish and chips
Protecting no-deal Brexits
But the fish don’t care
If you think they’re Brits
The fish don’t care
To be served with chips
See that little bastard swimming in the sea
That little bastard belongs to me
(He’s got a blue passport)
See that little bastard swimming in the sea
That little bastard belongs to me
(He’s got a blue passport)

Gunboats, keeping Spaffer afloat
Strong man nationalist
Someone get him
A Stone Island coat
It’s quote very very likely
Unquote
See that little bastard swimming in the sea
That little bastard belongs to me
(He’s got a blue passport)
See that little bastard swimming in the sea
That little bastard belongs to me
(He’s got a blue passport)

And the plucky little fisherman ain’t all he seems
There’s corporate interest behind the scenes
(And a blue passport)

Gunships, fish and chips
Protecting no-deal Brexits
But the fish don’t care
If you think they’re Brits
The fish don’t care
To be served with chips
See that little bastard swimming in the sea
That little bastard belongs to me
(He’s got a blue passport)
See that little bastard swimming in the sea
That little bastard belongs to me
(He’s got a blue passport)

And the plucky little fisherman ain’t all he seems
There’s corporate interest behind the scenes
Ask about the quotas, you’ll see what I mean
(And a blue passport)

Williamson v. Ferrari: Brexit Gambit Declined

Downing Street sources surveyed the board and spied no immediate threat: an announcement of a compromise reached on next year’s exam arrangements, expected to be generally well received except by the it-was-harder-in-my-day crowd and the occasional education analyst pointing out that 24 hours isn’t really much of a delay, and a follow-up on the news that the UK, such as she was clinging to being, was the first to declare a vaccine safe to unleash on a coronavirus-riddled public.

They made their move and slid Williamson, a minor piece, into the affray in the centre of the board. Hushed tones, remembering the “shut up and go away” gaffe, pronounced: “Surely, not even he can fuck this one up”. But fuck it up royally (with sovereignty clearly in mind) he did.

Ferrari, his opponent, countered with “Are we first with the vaccine because we Brexited?”, using the less familiar verbal form. Williamson, wise to the trap that had caught Hancock in an earlier game, avoided it but, in so doing, blundered. “We’re the first because we’re the best” came his Trumpian response, “Better than all those other countries” of which he then went on to name a few key allies.

In Downing Street, heads were shaken and Williamson quietly removed from the board before the lunchtime news.

“Brexit Gambit Declined, and still he fucked it up”.

Another Day, Another Press Conference

Can we have the first slide please?
It’s Hancock so it must be Thursday
But it could be Monday or Tuesday
It’s another day but the same disease

Can we have the first slide please?
This one shows lies, as you can see
It continues to rise, exponentially
It’s our one area of expertise

Can we have the first slide please?
It’s Hancock so it must be Thursday
But it could be Monday or Tuesday
It’s another day but the same disease

Can we have the next one please?
This one shows complacency
That we’ll display quite shamelessly
While easing the lockdown aimlessly

Can we have the first slide please?
It’s Hancock so it must be Thursday
But it could be Monday or Tuesday
It’s another day but the same disease

And here’s what the data tells us
With the scientists here to help us
It was business that compelled us
To let the virus overwhelm us

Can we have the final slide?
The one that shows how many died
The one that lacks the interventions
The one with all the unanswered questions

Can we have the first slide please?
It’s Hancock so it must be Thursday
But it could be Monday or Tuesday
It’s another day but the same disease

 

Dominic Ran Away (Again)

Away run away and advisor fleet of feet
Bag over his shoulder he fled Downing Street
Away run away keep the media at bay
Cos Dominic Cummings upped and ran away

Dominic kept running ‘til he got to Durham Town
In defiance of the rule of law and the lockdown
With his wife and his son, they hit the motorway
So, who did Dominic infect along the way?

Away run away and advisor fleet of feet
Bag over his shoulder he fled Downing Street
Away run away keep the media at bay
Cos Dominic Cummings upped and ran away

On the 30th of March they said that he was ill
With a fortnight’s isolation at home to fulfil
Now, in Westminster the rules are all well known
But soon he was sighted at his parents’ home

Away run away and advisor fleet of feet
Bag over his shoulder he fled Downing Street
Away run away keep the media at bay
Cos Dominic Cummings upped and ran away

His wife said he lay doggo and his muscles they did twitch
But was silent on the secret of their location switch
Ten days of fever and of lockdown fourteen
But on the 12th he was in Barnard Castle seen

Away run away and advisor fleet of feet
Bag over his shoulder he fled Downing Street
Away run away keep the media at bay
Cos Dominic Cummings upped and ran away

Soon fit and well he was back at Downing Street
Assuming that his trip up north had been discreet
But another demonstration that he holds you in disdain
He was seen on the 19th back in Durham Town again

Away run away and advisor fleet of feet
Bag over his shoulder he fled Downing Street
Away run away keep the media at bay
Cos Dominic Cummings upped and ran away

 

Where Is Mr Johnson?

Another evening with Dominic
Or Alok Sharma or Rob Jenrick.
It’s a while since he was booking off sick
So, where is Mr Johnson?

Another press conference, he’s unseen.
Are they trying to keep the PM clean?
These days we see more of the Queen.
So, where is Mr Johnson?

Not a big enough headline for the headline act?
Not willing to talk on the plan he backed?
Or the fact we still don’t trace or track?
Where is Mr Johnson?

Why don’t the press ask this as well
As questions about the care bombshell?
Have they lost their sense of smell?
Where is Mr Johnson?

Heigh-Ho

We turned on our morning radio show
To hear the traffic was running slow
We really didn’t want to go
On the day Johnson that cried “Heigh-Ho”

There’s a one-way system but the canteen’s shut
And social distancing on site’s full of “but”
Who’s ill here? We don’t want to know
On the day that Johnson cried “Heigh-Ho”

Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho the many for the few
Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho not them but me and you

You should cover your face to get the bus
But it looks like that might be just us
The tube is elbow to elbow
On the day that Johnson cried “Heigh-Ho”

The Commons floor is covered in tape
They’re dialling in to their debates
That’s not an option for many though
On the day that Johnson cried “Heigh-Ho”

Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho the many for the few
Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho not them but me and you

There’s problems at the Blackwall Tunnel
There’s problems on the A13
There’s problems at Canning Town station
We hear police are on the scene

Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho the many for the few
Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho not them but me and you

Life under the curve suggests
That we might not be halfway yet
The numbers are gonna continue grow
On the day that Johnson cried “Heigh-Ho”

Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho the many for the few
Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho not them but me and you