Blue Passport Fishing

Gunships, fish and chips
Protecting no-deal Brexits
But the fish don’t care
If you think they’re Brits
The fish don’t care
To be served with chips
See that little bastard swimming in the sea
That little bastard belongs to me
(He’s got a blue passport)
See that little bastard swimming in the sea
That little bastard belongs to me
(He’s got a blue passport)

Gunboats, keeping Spaffer afloat
Strong man nationalist
Someone get him
A Stone Island coat
It’s quote very very likely
Unquote
See that little bastard swimming in the sea
That little bastard belongs to me
(He’s got a blue passport)
See that little bastard swimming in the sea
That little bastard belongs to me
(He’s got a blue passport)

And the plucky little fisherman ain’t all he seems
There’s corporate interest behind the scenes
(And a blue passport)

Gunships, fish and chips
Protecting no-deal Brexits
But the fish don’t care
If you think they’re Brits
The fish don’t care
To be served with chips
See that little bastard swimming in the sea
That little bastard belongs to me
(He’s got a blue passport)
See that little bastard swimming in the sea
That little bastard belongs to me
(He’s got a blue passport)

And the plucky little fisherman ain’t all he seems
There’s corporate interest behind the scenes
Ask about the quotas, you’ll see what I mean
(And a blue passport)

Williamson v. Ferrari: Brexit Gambit Declined

Downing Street sources surveyed the board and spied no immediate threat: an announcement of a compromise reached on next year’s exam arrangements, expected to be generally well received except by the it-was-harder-in-my-day crowd and the occasional education analyst pointing out that 24 hours isn’t really much of a delay, and a follow-up on the news that the UK, such as she was clinging to being, was the first to declare a vaccine safe to unleash on a coronavirus-riddled public.

They made their move and slid Williamson, a minor piece, into the affray in the centre of the board. Hushed tones, remembering the “shut up and go away” gaffe, pronounced: “Surely, not even he can fuck this one up”. But fuck it up royally (with sovereignty clearly in mind) he did.

Ferrari, his opponent, countered with “Are we first with the vaccine because we Brexited?”, using the less familiar verbal form. Williamson, wise to the trap that had caught Hancock in an earlier game, avoided it but, in so doing, blundered. “We’re the first because we’re the best” came his Trumpian response, “Better than all those other countries” of which he then went on to name a few key allies.

In Downing Street, heads were shaken and Williamson quietly removed from the board before the lunchtime news.

“Brexit Gambit Declined, and still he fucked it up”.

Another Day, Another Press Conference

Can we have the first slide please?
It’s Hancock so it must be Thursday
But it could be Monday or Tuesday
It’s another day but the same disease

Can we have the first slide please?
This one shows lies, as you can see
It continues to rise, exponentially
It’s our one area of expertise

Can we have the first slide please?
It’s Hancock so it must be Thursday
But it could be Monday or Tuesday
It’s another day but the same disease

Can we have the next one please?
This one shows complacency
That we’ll display quite shamelessly
While easing the lockdown aimlessly

Can we have the first slide please?
It’s Hancock so it must be Thursday
But it could be Monday or Tuesday
It’s another day but the same disease

And here’s what the data tells us
With the scientists here to help us
It was business that compelled us
To let the virus overwhelm us

Can we have the final slide?
The one that shows how many died
The one that lacks the interventions
The one with all the unanswered questions

Can we have the first slide please?
It’s Hancock so it must be Thursday
But it could be Monday or Tuesday
It’s another day but the same disease

 

Dominic Ran Away (Again)

Away run away and advisor fleet of feet
Bag over his shoulder he fled Downing Street
Away run away keep the media at bay
Cos Dominic Cummings upped and ran away

Dominic kept running ‘til he got to Durham Town
In defiance of the rule of law and the lockdown
With his wife and his son, they hit the motorway
So, who did Dominic infect along the way?

Away run away and advisor fleet of feet
Bag over his shoulder he fled Downing Street
Away run away keep the media at bay
Cos Dominic Cummings upped and ran away

On the 30th of March they said that he was ill
With a fortnight’s isolation at home to fulfil
Now, in Westminster the rules are all well known
But soon he was sighted at his parents’ home

Away run away and advisor fleet of feet
Bag over his shoulder he fled Downing Street
Away run away keep the media at bay
Cos Dominic Cummings upped and ran away

His wife said he lay doggo and his muscles they did twitch
But was silent on the secret of their location switch
Ten days of fever and of lockdown fourteen
But on the 12th he was in Barnard Castle seen

Away run away and advisor fleet of feet
Bag over his shoulder he fled Downing Street
Away run away keep the media at bay
Cos Dominic Cummings upped and ran away

Soon fit and well he was back at Downing Street
Assuming that his trip up north had been discreet
But another demonstration that he holds you in disdain
He was seen on the 19th back in Durham Town again

Away run away and advisor fleet of feet
Bag over his shoulder he fled Downing Street
Away run away keep the media at bay
Cos Dominic Cummings upped and ran away

 

Where Is Mr Johnson?

Another evening with Dominic
Or Alok Sharma or Rob Jenrick.
It’s a while since he was booking off sick
So, where is Mr Johnson?

Another press conference, he’s unseen.
Are they trying to keep the PM clean?
These days we see more of the Queen.
So, where is Mr Johnson?

Not a big enough headline for the headline act?
Not willing to talk on the plan he backed?
Or the fact we still don’t trace or track?
Where is Mr Johnson?

Why don’t the press ask this as well
As questions about the care bombshell?
Have they lost their sense of smell?
Where is Mr Johnson?

Heigh-Ho

We turned on our morning radio show
To hear the traffic was running slow
We really didn’t want to go
On the day Johnson that cried “Heigh-Ho”

There’s a one-way system but the canteen’s shut
And social distancing on site’s full of “but”
Who’s ill here? We don’t want to know
On the day that Johnson cried “Heigh-Ho”

Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho the many for the few
Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho not them but me and you

You should cover your face to get the bus
But it looks like that might be just us
The tube is elbow to elbow
On the day that Johnson cried “Heigh-Ho”

The Commons floor is covered in tape
They’re dialling in to their debates
That’s not an option for many though
On the day that Johnson cried “Heigh-Ho”

Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho the many for the few
Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho not them but me and you

There’s problems at the Blackwall Tunnel
There’s problems on the A13
There’s problems at Canning Town station
We hear police are on the scene

Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho the many for the few
Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho not them but me and you

Life under the curve suggests
That we might not be halfway yet
The numbers are gonna continue grow
On the day that Johnson cried “Heigh-Ho”

Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho the many for the few
Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho not them but me and you

The Sickest Man in Europe

The sickest man in Europe
Won two world wars and one world cup
The sickest man in Europe
Didn’t want to mess the economy up
The sickest man in Europe’s
Looking forward to VE day
The sickest man in Europe’s
Hearing how many died today

The sickest man in Europe
Is following the science
Thinks it’s untainted
By political bias
The sickest man in Europe
Is following the science
Loves respect
and minute’s silence

The sickest man in Europe’s
Hearing how many died today
The sickest man in Europe’s
Looking forward to VE day

What’s Going to Happen When the Clapping Stops?

You can talk about a target that turned into a boast
You can talk about a test kit that’s still in the post
You can talk about them not controlling the disease
You can talk about them not controlling the economy

You can talk about the hairdressers, talk about the shops
But has anybody thought about
Is anybody talking about
What’s going to happen when the clapping stops?

You can talk about flattening or fattening the curve
You can talk about typically medical reserve
You can talk about passing at least the first peak
You can talk about avoiding media critique

You can talk about the hairdressers, talk about the shops
But has anybody thought about
Is anybody talking about
What’s going to happen when the clapping stops?

You can talk about maybe easing the lockdown
You can talk about the circus that was missing its clown
You can talk about sending the kids back to school
You can talk about suspending the two-metre rule

You can talk about the hairdressers, talk about the shops
But has anybody thought about
Is anybody talking about
What’s going to happen when the clapping stops?

You can talk about your temperature getting on the tube
You can talk about your fellow passenger being true
You can talk about publishing an exit strategy
You can talk about doing it without a vaccine

You can talk about the hairdressers, talk about the shops
But has anybody thought about
Is anybody talking about
What’s going to happen when the clapping stops?

St. George’s Day 2020

St George is working in the hospital
Some days there’s little protection at all
If it weren’t so dangerous it’d be comical
It’s what he’s doing here

St George is working in the care home
Now that the residents are all alone
Providing care and comfort in the infected zone
That’s what he’s doing here

St George is tryin’ to be braver
St George is your neighbour
St George is unskilled labour
That’s the face of a patron saint

St George is working in the supermarket
He ain’t had a day off since it all started
Sorting the shelves and the trolley park
It’s what he’s doing here

St George is working emptying the bins
St George is working in the school kitchen
It’s your online shopping that George is drivin’
That’s what he’s doing here

St George is having to be braver
St George is your neighbour
St George is unskilled labour
That’s the face of a patron saint

St George ain’t gonna go to work today
There’s no urgency to have a dragon slayed
St George can claim 80% of his pay
That’s what he’s doing here

St George ain’t in the queue at B&Q
His old sword will work when he needs it to
He knows staying at home’s still a smart move
That’s what he’s doing here

St George is having to be braver
St George is your neighbour
St George is unskilled labour
That’s the face of a patron saint

Look in the faces of your carers and your cleaners
Your doctors and nurses, drivers and teachers
Trying to stay safe from the coughing and the fevers
That’s what he’s doing here
That’s what he’s doing here

St George is having to be braver
St George is your neighbour
St George is unskilled labour
That’s the face of a patron saint

Look in the faces of your carers and your cleaners
Your doctors and nurses, drivers and teachers
Trying to stay safe from the coughing and the fevers
That’s what he’s doing here
That’s what he’s doing here

B&Q

Donald Trump is threatening to shoot Iranian ships
To drive up, we suspect, the oil price a bit
While supporting protesters rights
Against all medical advice
To let the virus just transmit
So long as they are not the ones to actually get it.

Meanwhile back home in the UK
We did eighteen thousand tests today.
A fair way short, granted
Of Hancock’s end of month hundred thousand target
And a vaccine is still months or years away
But still
B&Q is re-opening today.