Kings and Queens

Kings and queens are all, it seems
We need to keep food on our plate
Kings and queens and Heinz Baked Beans*
And golden carriages of state

Kings and queens are all, it seems
We need to keep us warm and fed
Kings and queens and Heinz Baked Beans
And Tory Warburtons sliced bread**

So, boo to cost of living crisis
Boo to rising staple prices
Hurrah for Charlie and Camilla
Beans on toast again for dinner

*Well, you’ve got to have standards
**Other bread is available

Crowdfund the Coronation

Crowdfund the coronation
Don’t pay for it from our taxation
If you support the celebration
Then you can make a small donation

Crowdfund the coronation
But make it so that each donation
Ticks a box to just make sure
You’d rather not give to the poor

Crowdfund the coronation
Don’t pay for it from our taxation
Of which we’re told there’s such a dearth
We can’t pay nurses what they’re worth

Crowdfund the coronation
And if folk need some motivation
A celebrity-packed one day’s TV
Can raise some cash for kings in need

Crowdfund the coronation
Crowdfund the whole damn operation
The nation then with one accord
Will have the royals they can afford

Bad Apples

Here it is, the bad apple defence
A line they all pursue
It’s alright round here really
It’s just a bad apple or two

It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples
It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples
It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples
It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples

It’s just the way things are done round here
We turn a blind eye, we cock a deaf ear
We reap what we sow
We let the bad apples grow

It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples
It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples
It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples
It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples

It ain’t everybody
But the rules are very clear
You never saw the bully
And there’s banter you don’t hear

It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples
It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples
It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples
It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples

It ain’t everybody
Just the facts that all folk know
It’s the way we do things round here
We just let bad apples grow

It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples
It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples
It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples
It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples

Put Up Shut Up Britain Part Two

I’ve got my radio on, tuned to LBC
And every other jock’s tryin’ to tell me
That culturally, the Muslim man
Is pre-disposed to a grooming gang
A grooming gang, not a paedophile ring
‘Cause a paedophile ring is a white man thing
It’s a racist phone-in, non-stop
And the worst of it is, it’s coming from the top
It’s coming from the top and here’s the thing
The people at the top have got brown skin
It’s a desperate scramble for votes, last ditch

And people get hurt when you talk like this

Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain
Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain
Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain
Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain

Our coach can’t get into Europe
The school trip kiddies cry
‘Cause every passport needs a stamp
Did you stop to wonder why?
Is it two sides of the same coin, you ask
Well, it’s definitely two cheeks of the same arse
Do you need another clue?

We hate folk who ain’t from round here
And the ones from round here too

Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain
Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain
Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain
Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain

It’s limited and specific
Like the KLF didn’t say
All bound for Brexit Benefit Land
Get out the fuckin’ way
Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain
Where the rules get ripped up and re-written
For the fool who messed up worst and last
In the interests of the ruling class
And we’re throwing a party we can’t afford
For the bloke on the business end of the sword
While the supplicant kneeling is now at the helm
Of the opposition, a knight of the realm
We’ve got Charlie in charge, Charlie on the throne
Where’s our revolucion?
Charlie in France, well maybe not
What chance have we fuckin’ got?

Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain
Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain
Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain
Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain