Category: Lyrics

Soap On A Rope

Here comes Cool Uncle Andy
He likes football and beer
So, chuck your plastic lager in the air now, lads
Cool Uncle Andy’s here

And all the talk on the radio
Is he shouldn’t have worn those shorts, oh no
The chat on the sofa in the studio
Cool Uncle Andy’s runners, oh

Cool Uncle Andy
Says you’ve gotta have hope
Cool Uncle Andy’s
Soap on a rope

Here comes Cool Uncle Andy
Cool Uncle Andy’s game
But at the bar of the New Austerity Inn
The round he buys is just the same

And all the talk on the radio
Is he shouldn’t have worn those shorts, oh no
The chat on the sofa in the studio
Cool Uncle Andy’s runners, oh

Cool Uncle Andy
Says you’ve gotta have hope
Cool Uncle Andy’s
Soap on a rope
Cool Uncle Andy’s
Soap on a rope

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Spilling Racists’ Coffee/Getting Ready For The War

Spilling racists’ coffee
Getting ready for the war
I heard they banned the action
Couldn’t stand them any more
While Donald Trump sends prison ships
To the Straits of Hormuz
The buzzing of the drones
Drowns out the words he can’t defuse
And voices on my radio
Ask who will pay for this
The politicians answer
Take the benefits
Off boys in balaclavas
Shocking shoppers in the town
And absent dads masked up in ports
To shut the lifeboats down
Or feckless old folk triple-locked
They say we can’t afford
While pandering to donors
Who hide all theirs abroad

Spilling racists’ coffee
Rupert screeching it’s so wrong
He wants to ban the protests
But he’d never ban the bomb
That don’t fit the story
Where he says that he’ll restore
An imaginary Britain
Getting ready for the war
Drunk on Blitz spirit
When they lied about their age
Trapped in algorithms
Grifting on their rage
An attack by boiling liquid
Melted snowflakes in the street
Spilling racists’ coffee
Hear them bleating in retreat
Save your outrage mate
There’s a real war on its way
That just how the maths works
When there’s shareholders to pay

Spilling racists’ coffee
Milkshaken to the core
Just waiting for an Archduke
Getting ready for the war

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Heads They Win (Tails You Lose)

Heads they win, tails you lose
These two sides do not confuse
Heads might tell you that they’re tails
But calling heads still always fails
And when they make you choose
It’s heads they win, tails you lose

Chris, he sailed for destiny
Lost, looking for the East Indies
America it soon will be
And we’ll take everything for free
It’s heads we win, and tails you lose

Heads they win, tails you lose
These two sides do not confuse
Heads might tell you that they’re tails
But calling heads still always fails
And when they make you choose
It’s heads they win, tails you lose

My father’s house his father’s too
‘Til men with guns told us to move
God promised us this house and land
God’s guns will help you understand
It’s heads we win, and tails you lose

Heads they win, tails you lose
These two sides do not confuse
Heads might tell you that they’re tails
But calling heads still always fails
And when they make you choose
It’s heads they win, tails you lose

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Bad Flags

Ryan’s up a lamppost waiting for his mate
He wants a cherry picker but the cherry picker’s late
He’s got a mouthful of zip ties
And a heartful of hate
He’s raising the colours of a bad flag

Tommy knows the flag is just another tool
To fleece the crowd that still thinks that cocaine is cool
He’s calling it unite
When all they want to do is fight
He’s marching to the colours of a bad flag

Bad flags, tatty rags
Like motorway trees flying Tesco bags
They’re flown with bad intentions
They’re bad flags

Paul carries a cross like some kind of boss
When the RM see his logo, they’re gonna be pissed off
He’s yesterday’s thug
But he won’t give up
He’s got nothing except a bad flag

Luke is in a suit, moustache and tie to boot
Like an Oxfam Mosley throwing up a salute
His performative charge
Looks quite the hoot
He’s an agitator with a bad flag

Bad flags, tatty rags
Like motorway trees flying Tesco bags
They’re flown with bad intentions
They’re bad flags

Pure cold rage said Nigel
And pure cold rage he got
Nigel’s leading the riot
And pretending that he’s not
Pure cold rage said Nigel
Everyone knew what he meant
Nigel’s leading the riot
Again

Bad flags, tatty rags
Like motorway trees flying Tesco bags
They’re flown with bad intentions
They’re bad flags

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Coming Apart At The Seams

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There’s a flag tied to a lamppost outside JK’s pad
And Tommy thinks that gendered toilets are really just for the lads
They both love the bruisers with Turkish teeth
The self-appointed toilet police

It’s as bad as it seems
It’s coming apart at the seams
And if you wanna stitch it together
Gotta stick together
Know what I mean
It’s as bad as it seems
It’s coming apart at the seams
And if you wanna stitch it together
Gotta stick together
Know what I mean

Meanwhile there’s actual Nazis fighting coppers in southern streets
Wearing suits and moustaches like pound shop Mosley wannabes
The coppers might pray for rain
It’s Nigel’s riots all over again

It’s as bad as it seems
It’s coming apart at the seams
And if you wanna stitch it together
Gotta stick together
Know what I mean
It’s as bad as it seems
It’s coming apart at the seams
And if you wanna stitch it together
Gotta stick together
Know what I mean

Most people ain’t racist
Most people ain’t anti-trans
But they ain’t the loudest voices
They ain’t the ones with a billion pounds

It’s as bad as it seems
It’s coming apart at the seams
And if you wanna stitch it together
Gotta stick together
Know what I mean
It’s as bad as it seems
It’s coming apart at the seams
And if you wanna stitch it together
Gotta stick together
Know what I mean
Together, know what I mean
Together, know what I mean
Together, know what I mean

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Kingmakerfield (A Song For Jason)

Cotton mills, collieries
Weaving sheds and potteries
Hinges, locks, files and nails
Labour leadership emails
From Makerfield
Made in Makerfield
Kingmakerfield

Now there’s too much derelict land
Spoil tips, we understand
Where the pits used to be
In the a la mode constituency
Of Makerfield
Makerfield
Kingmakerfield

Wes didn’t fire the starting gun
For the race to be number one
He’s waiting for the northwest son
From Makerfield
Kingmakerfield

The diocese of Liverpool
Granada TV’s gritty cool
Joe Gormley OBE
Who will be the next MP
Of Makerfield
Makerfield
Kingmakerfield

Wes didn’t fire the starting gun
For the race to be number one
He’s waiting for the northwest son
From Makerfield
Kingmakerfield

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