Rishi Sunak (We Know a Song About You)

Oh dear, Rishi
You’ve pissed off the people
Who like to rhyme
Who like tell stories
Who like to keep good time

Oh dear, Rishi
You’ve pissed off the minstrels
The entertainers
The chroniclers
The maintainers
Of the culture
Of the hope
Of the real story
Of our times

Oh dear, Rishi
You forgot the golden rule
That all that glitters is not gold
That money can’t buy you love, Love
That value can’t always be measured
In pound notes
Not even close

Oh dear, Rishi
You forgot
That we know the words
That people sing
And people hum
That we know the tunes
That people whistle
And people strum

Rishi Sunak we know a song about you
No better than the other Tories in your crew
Rishi Sunak, fuck you

EDIT: Full Fact are now reporting that Sunak didn’t say that musicians and other people working in the arts and creative sectors should all re-train and ITV have modified their headline and deleted their tweet accordingly.

But you know what? Fuck him, anyway. The Musicians’ Union recently published a survey of their members which reported that 70% can’t do more than a quarter of their pre-COVID work but 38% of them aren’t eligible for the government’s support schemes. His hands are nowhere near clean.

And let’s not forget Edwina Currie telling LBC’s Iain Dale that “you can’t save all the puppies”.

Facemasks at Half Mast

It’s facemasks at half mast
For the coffee guy at the station
For better facial aeration
For poorer droplet filtration
For rules half followed out of frustration
And Stanley Johnson ain’t wearing his at all

It’s facemasks at half mast
For the woman on the morning train
In a sippy cup coffee kinda vein
She’s looking at her make-up again
Over a blue chin protection membrane
And Stanley Johnson ain’t wearing his at all

It’s facemasks at half mast
Baby, let’s go exponential
It’s facemasks at half mast
Baby, let’s get existential

My mask protects you, your mask protects me
Round here, it’s what we call solidarity
It’s how we show love and respect for one another
Sisters and brothers

It’s facemasks at half mast
For the fella on the train home
Slipped down while he was on the phone
Glanced around the carriage and he’s not alone
With important communications home
And Stanley Johnson ain’t wearing his at all

It’s facemasks at half mast
Baby, let’s go exponential
It’s facemasks at half mast
Baby, let’s get existential

My mask protects you, your mask protects me
Round here, it’s what we call solidarity
It’s how we show love and respect for one another
Sisters and brothers

Spaffer doesn’t understand the rules
What rules?
Whose rules?
His rules
For home and work and schools
While Stanley Johnson ain’t wearing his at all

It’s facemasks at half mast
Baby, let’s go exponential
It’s facemasks at half mast
Baby, let’s get existential

My mask protects you, your mask protects me
Round here, it’s what we call solidarity
It’s how we show love and respect for one another
Sisters and brothers

Operation Moonshot

Is Operation Moonshot
The best that you’ve got?
Chucking in our lot
With a punt on a long shot?

Astronaut Spaffer, it has to be said
Is comfortable speaking out the back of his head
But a 20-minute test when you get out of bed
Sounds like he’s just bet it all on red

Is Operation Moonshot
The best that you’ve got?
Chucking in our lot
With a punt on a long shot?

Cosmonaut Spaffer of the rule of six
Reckons he’s got a long-term fix
A quick test between toothpaste and lacing up your kicks
Trouble is it doesn’t yet exist

Is Operation Moonshot
The best that you’ve got?
Chucking in our lot
With a punt on a long shot?

Starfleet Spaffer’s new COVID marshal
Badge and gun, pledge to be impartial
Breaking up a seven-plus party in your local
Doing it for free, there’s no money on the table

Is Operation Moonshot
The best that you’ve got?
Chucking in our lot
With a punt on a long shot?

Spaceman Spaffer’s shooting for the moon
Spit in the pot, you’ll know pretty soon
If you’re going back to work or back to your room
Are we watching a PM or a cartoon?

Is Operation Moonshot
The best that you’ve got?
Chucking in our lot
With a punt on a long shot?

The Under 21s

You’ve relaxed too much says Van Tam
Relax, go back to work says that Johnson man
Is it any wonder you’re confused?
Does anyone understand all the rules?
Stick to your guns
Blame the under 21’s

A harder, faster lockdown in Bolton
Let’s hope the locals don’t get their revolt on
Don’t let the subject pass their eyes
That the response is still too centralised
Stick to your guns
Blame the under 21’s

It’s the uni crowd the way they carry on and party
You know that term ain’t actually started
But the numbers from the test and trace don’t lie
Who do you think’s in the service industry front line?
Stick to your guns
Blame the under 21’s

They’re better than us without even trying
They know when politicians are lying
The mess of the world, they understand it
Just as we’re about to underhand it
So when election time comes
Remember who you blamed: the under 21’s

A Man With a Fascist Flag

The anti-mask brigade
Were far too easily swayed
By conspiracy theorists
And it’s not real it’s
Just Government lies
And surprise, surprise
A man with a fascist flag

The anti-mask brigade
In Trafalgar Square today
Chanting the virus is a hoax
And laughing at David Icke’s jokes
Were joined by QAnon memes
And alt-right, far right themes
And a man with a fascist flag

The flag that we tore down at Cable Street
That we fought from ’39 to ’45 to defeat
From the International Brigades
We’ll fight to the present day
When we see a man with a fascist flag

The anti-mask brigade
See their freedom ebbing away
Freedom to catch the virus
Freedom to pass it to us
Freedom to believe a lie
Freedom to turn a blind eye
To the man with the fascist flag

The flag that we tore down at Cable Street
That we fought from ’39 to ’45 to defeat
From the International Brigades
We’ll fight to the present day
When we see a man with a fascist flag

The anti-mask brigade
Took Trafalgar Square today
Sanity over madness they spew
While the converse appears true
Joined by anti-Semitic conspiracies
And bad information about the disease
And a man with a fascist flag

The flag that we tore down at Cable Street
That we fought from ’39 to ’45 to defeat
From the International Brigades
We’ll fight to the present day
When we see a man with a fascist flag

 

Ayanda Capital

Welcome to the Ayanda family
Focussed on investment strategy
We specialise in trading currency
You see

Welcome to the Ayanda family
We specialise in offshore property
And private equity
But we’ve never bought any PPE

How can that be?

Welcome to Ayanda Capital
We’ve no PPE experience at all
But there’s 250 million quid on the table
Some haul

Welcome to Ayanda Capital
Kings of remaining profitable
There’s public money there for us to trawl
And a government advisor that we can give a call

The stakes ain’t small

Here’s Andrew Mills, he’s a member of our board
What he knows about facemasks ain’t been explored
But if there’s money to be made then rest assured
He’s on board

Here’s Andrew Mills our deal deviser
ProsperMills’ influence exerciser
And business advisor
To Liz Truss, Secretary of State, for International Trade

That’s how the deal was made

Now if you think that this ain’t corrupt
Then protest singers might as well give up
And turns out the masks ain’t even good enough
And that’s fucked up

The victims of COVID still regularly cop it
While folks like Ayanda are making a profit
Matt Hancock ain’t gonna do anything to stop it
So if you want to protect the NHS as well

Don’t lose your sense of smell

(Living Life on the Lookout for A) Second Wave

I hear they’re talking about a second wave, said Jason
We haven’t really got the first one out of the way
It’s a good job we didn’t take that trip to Spain
I couldn’t afford a fortnight with no pay
And they’re increasing self-isolation to ten days

Isn’t a meal out pretty safe? said Joanna
A pub garden if we all behave?
Do you think that we just need to be a little brave?
You can’t live your life looking out for a second wave

But Jason ain’t going to the pub today
Jason’s still scrutinising what they say
Jason is certain that it’s on its way
He’s living life on the lookout for a second wave

I spoke to my brother the other day, said Jason
They couldn’t afford for work to be locked down again
They’ve agreed that for all of them it’s for the best
That if they get poorly, they won’t get a test
They don’t want to hear what a contact tracer might say

The kids need their holidays, said Joanna
Their friends are all going their separate ways
Do you think that we just need to be a little brave?
You can’t live your life looking out for a second wave

But Jason ain’t going to the pub today
Jason’s still scrutinising what they say
Jason is certain it’s on its way
He’s living life on the lookout for a second wave

The most excess deaths in Europe, said Jason
You’ve gotta listen to what I’ve gotta say
It’s business they care for that’s 100% the case
And they need you to start feeling safe
But they ain’t got nothing in place

The local lockdowns are far away, said Joanna
We could go out before we have to do that all again
Do you think that we just need to be a little brave?
You can’t live your life looking out for a second wave

But Jason ain’t going to the pub today
Jason’s still scrutinising what they say
Jason is certain it’s on its way
He’s living life on the lookout for a second wave

Don’t Cough Over Your Cat

No ads for Maccy D’s before bedtime
No BOGOF on Pringles or Mars Bars or any of that
But that’s not even this evening’s headline
Whatever you do, don’t cough over your cat

Spaffer’s a stone down and fat shaming the nation
Clamping down on promotion of food high in sugar and fat
Obligatory labels for cafes in new legislation
And whatever you do, don’t cough over your cat

He says we owe it to the NHS to keep our weight healthy
I suspect he owes them a bit more than that
Start with 350 million a week, maybe
And please don’t cough over your cat

There are complex ethnic and socioeconomic factors
At play here, but despite all of that
The fight against the virus starts a new chapter
With advice to not cough over your cat

Cassie Sunshine (Is Wearing a G-String on Her Face)

They gathered in their hundreds in sunny Hyde Park
Their patriotic faces free to feel the breeze
One man had cut the middle out of his mask
They’re here to Keep Britain Free

They’re gathered here to protest about the mask
They don’t like being told, would prefer to be asked
Because it’s an impingement on their civil liberty
That’s no way to Keep Britain Free

Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face
Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face
Her protest banner has been replaced
By sexy undercrackers made out of black lace
And Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face

If the government thought it was right, she asks
Then that’s what they should’ve said from the start
There’s important scientists saying there’s no need
It’s more important to Keep Britain Free

Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face
Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face
Her protest banner has been replaced
By sexy undercrackers made out of black lace
And Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face

Face nappies, muzzles, she won’t take part
Cassie Sunshine won’t wear a mask
Cassie Sunshine wants to Keep Britain Free
Thankfully Cassie’s in a minority

Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face
Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face
Her protest banner has been replaced
By sexy undercrackers made out of black lace
And Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face
And Cassie Sunshine is wearing a g-string on her face