Not That Fox

He hates this city so much that he wants to be its mayor
A cathedral of understanding that we need equality, we need to be fair
He’s come to unlock an open door
He’s come to fight in a culture war
He’s smoking in the sun on an open topped bus
Winston and he
Just wanna be free
Winston and he
Just wanna be free
Free to speak his mind
Free to be unkind
Free to be intertwined
With Tommy Robinson’s kind
He’s not a racist but
He’s not a racist but
He’s not a racist but
He’s a racist

He hates this city so much that he wants to be its mayor
Reclaim his right to white privilege, blue eyes and blond hair
He’s here to stand up for statuery
He’s here to stand up when you’re taking the knee
He’s smoking in the sun on an open topped bus
Winston and he
Just wanna be free
Winston and he
Just wanna be free
Free to delay the vaccine
Free to be casually mean
Free to be the latest seen
On the Farage libertarian scene
He’s not a racist but
He’s not a racist but
He’s not a racist but
He’s a racist

He’s a fox that we’re not on the side of
What he talks is definitely wide of
Right, whose right, what right, his right
Right, whose right, what right, his right
Right, whose right, what right, his right
Right, whose right, what right, his right

Here’s a fox that we’re not on the side of

Ten Out of Ten

Spaffer and Jennifer
On the sofa
When Marina was out

Spaffer and Jennifer
Reading Macbeth
Before making out

Spaffer and Jennifer
Sending him pictures
With her titties out

Spaffer and Jennifer taking trips abroad
Spaffer and Jennifer committing fraud

But Spaffer got to mark his own homework again
And Spaffer gave himself ten out of ten

Ten out of ten
Ten out of ten
He marked his own homework
And got ten out of ten

Police on the common
At the vigil
Pushing women about

Police on the common
Pushing women about
With their truncheons out

Police on the common
Keeping the peace
Until the lights go out

Her Majesty’s Inspector looked hard and long
Her Majesty’s Inspector says they did nothing wrong

Ten out of ten
Ten out of ten
He marked his own homework
And got ten out of ten

The Commission on Race
And Ethnic Disparity
Report came out

The Commission said
It was a youthful
Idealistic shout

The Commission said
Now there’s nothing
To worry about

The Commission said they’d looked hard and long
The Commission said BLM had got it wrong

Ten out of ten
Ten out of ten
He marked his own homework
And got ten out of ten

Ten out of ten
Ten out of ten
When he marks his own homework
He gets ten out of ten

Respect

Let’s drape a flag over every rough sleeper
Wave one at every asylum seeker
Fly one proudly on every food bank
Use Union Jack tissues to blow your nose
Let’s place our hands over our hearts
Whenever the national anthem starts
And belt out the first half dozen words
Replacing the rest with der-der-ders

And show respect
You’ve gotta show respect
You’ve gotta show respect
If you don’t show respect what could happen next?

Let’s demonstrate our loyalties
By being mean to refugees
Daub the job centre red, white and blue
Hand plastic flags to the soup kitchen queue
Let’s place our hands over our hearts
Whenever the national anthem starts
And belt out the first half dozen words
Replacing the rest with der-der-ders

And show respect
You’ve gotta show respect
You’ve gotta show respect
If you don’t show respect what could happen next?

Cos if you don’t show respect
You might start thinking about what’s actually going on around you
One in 445 dead
A roadmap, where will it end?
From feudalism to cronyism via capitalism

And der-der-der the national anthem

And show respect
You’ve gotta show respect
You’ve gotta show respect
If you don’t show respect what could happen next?

Jason and Joanna: Vaccine Wars

Joanna was waiting for a text from the surgery
Jason got a message that there was some going free
The end of the day, or it would be thrown away
Jason said that vaccine is mine

Jason got the Pfizer, she’ll probably get the Oxford one
His was from Germany, Joanna’s will be homespun
She heard side effects affect nearly everyone
Jason, however, was fine

And she’s mad that he kept the vaccine to himself
For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health
Now they’re ramping up the rhetoric, nuclear arms
There getting ready for a vaccine war

Jason shrugged, said it’s all about your contacts
It’s nothing personal you’ve got to watch your own back
You’ll get yours soon enough, I don’t understand the fuss
It’s the one thing he thinks he got right

Joanna thought the deal was to be in it together
Last year it was her warning him of heavy weather
He’s got everything wrong, now he’s coming on strong
It looks like there’s gonna be a fight

And she’s mad that he kept the vaccine to himself
For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health
Now they’re ramping up the rhetoric, nuclear arms
There getting ready for a vaccine war

She said no man is an island, I just don’t get it
It’s not like you to tell the world to just forget it
You think you’re the best but you’re gonna regret it
I don’t understand this at all

There’s no point being alone in your immunity
You might call it a herd but it’s actually community
Not a competition at every opportunity
Jason, you’re building a wall
Jason, you’re building a wall

And she’s mad that he kept the vaccine to himself
For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health
Now they’re ramping up the rhetoric, nuclear arms
There getting ready for a vaccine war
And she’s mad that he kept the vaccine to himself
For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health
Now they’re ramping up the rhetoric, nuclear arms
There getting ready for a vaccine war
There getting ready for a vaccine war

Knock, Knock!

Like a stopped clock, we kept Piers around
For the odd occasion on which he was right
But knock, knock, it was bound to come on top
And good morning Britain, the cock has taken flight

Now he’s throwing in his lot with the Foxes and the Youngs
Claiming free speech and foul with his forked tongue
And he’ll take his tirade to the anti-woke brigade
And take up sword and shield in Toby’s parade

Knock, knock
We can hear you
Knock, knock
We can still hear you
Knock, knock
We can hear you
You’re tweeting that you’re cancelled, but we can still hear you
Knock, knock

(We’re just choosing not to listen)

Joanne’s got a plan, in which she defines a man
And cancelleramous, there goes another fan
Even Potter can’t stop her now the plots gone bad
And it don’t please her there’s a reader who now wished they never had

Knock, knock
We can hear you
Knock, knock
We can still hear you
Knock, knock
We can hear you
You’re tweeting that you’re cancelled, but we can still hear you
Knock, knock

(We’re just choosing not to listen)

And Laurence lost stock when he got a Twitter block
From a Lewis co-star who thought he was a cock
Shouldn’t be a shock and we should probably thank her
Not on this Fox’s side, he’s an All Lives Matter wanker

Knock, knock
We can hear you
Knock, knock
We can still hear you
Knock, knock
We can hear you
You’re tweeting that you’re cancelled, but we can still hear you
Knock, knock
We can hear you
Knock, knock
We can still hear you
Knock, knock
We can hear you
You’re tweeting that you’re cancelled, but we can still hear you
We’re just choosing not to listen
Knock, knock

Keith Likes It

Spaffer’s got a roadmap
And Keith likes it
A hearty virtual backslap
‘Cos Keith likes it

It’s cautious and irreversible
And Keith likes it
It’s economically purposeful
But educationally unworkable
And Keith likes it

When it comes to dealing with disease
Keith will always aim to please
Even if you’re on your knees
Keith will always say what he sees
And Keith likes it

Keith likes it
Keith likes it
Keith likes it
Keith likes it
Keith likes it

Matt’s got money for his mates
And Keith likes it
Despite the legal mess that it makes
Keith likes it

Priti is waving her flag
And Keith likes it
It’s a look at my patriotism brag
That plays well in the daily rag
And Keith likes it

When it comes to dealing with disease
Keith will always aim to please
Even if you’re on your knees
Keith will always say what he sees
And Keith likes it

Keith likes it
Keith likes it
Keith likes it
Keith likes it
Keith likes it

Free Stuff Jesus

An American friend pinned on a poppy
In fancy dress as an Englishman
Why? said I, well you guys fetishise
That World War Two generation
But only the war bit, man

American friends call us Brexitland
And Australian friends call us Plague Island
While Dr Chris got slapped down rude
Ordering Mexican food

And then Roger died
And all I wanna be is somewhere
Where I can order a drink

An American friend coined Pandexit
Said it’s a matter of time before your man says it
Said you guys like a portmanteau
Like no one else in the world, bro

And then Cush died
And all I wanna be is somewhere
Where I can order a drink

Free stuff Jesus, won’t you lend us a miracle
Free stuff Jesus, won’t you lend us a miracle
Free stuff Jesus, won’t you lend us a miracle
All I wanna be is somewhere
Where I can order a drink

An American friend laughed last and longer
Getting over the line on election day
While the combined archbishoprics
Of Canterbury and York
Called for time to reflect and pray

And then Simon died
And all I wanna be is somewhere
Where I can order a drink

Free stuff Jesus, won’t you lend us a miracle
Free stuff Jesus, won’t you lend us a miracle
Free stuff Jesus, won’t you lend us a miracle
All I wanna be is somewhere
Where I can order a drink

American friends call us Brexitland
And Australian friends call us plague island
So Free stuff Jesus, won’t you lend us a miracle
Free stuff Jesus, won’t you lend us a miracle
Free stuff Jesus, won’t you lend us a miracle
All I wanna be is somewhere
Where I can order a drink

One Zero Zero, Zero Zero Zero

There’s blood on the hands of Boris Johnson
Blood on the hands of Dominic Cummings
Blood on the hands of Therese Coffey
Who says that we’re all to blame

There’s blood on the hands of Matt Hancock
Blood on the hands of Dominic Raab
Blood on the hands of Boris Johnson
For whom it’s always been a game

If most of the people follow most of the rules
Most of the rules most of the time
When the rule makers blame the rule breakers
Whose is the greater crime?

One zero zero
Zero zero zero
He’s sticking firmly to his line
On mistakes, now is not the time

There’s blood on the hands of Boris Johnson
Blood on the hands of Priti Patel
Blood on the hands of Gavin Williamson
And Duncan Smith’s hands as well

If most of the people follow most of the rules
Most of the rules most of the time
When the rule makers blame the rule breakers
Whose is the greater crime?

One zero zero
Zero zero zero
He’s sticking firmly to his line
On mistakes, now is not the time

Cough Away

We’ve been in this pandemic a year or more
Cough away boys, cough away
A global pandemic from shore to shore
Cough away boys, cough away

Cough away, cough away
Cough away boys, cough away
Cough away, cough away
This was all she had to say

Governments respond very differently
Cough away boys, cough away
Based on the fact society
Cough away boys, cough away

We’ve seen just deaths around the world
Cough away boys, cough away
Harrowing death tolls around the world
Cough away boys, cough away

We let the scientists and medics guide us
Cough away boys, cough away
So there’s no single reason for you to chide us
Cough away boys, cough away

The numbers are deeply tragic
Cough away boys, cough away
But it’s still a global pandemic
Cough away boys, cough away

You know in the future we’ll all look back
Cough away boys, cough away
At the could haves the should haves we can’t take back
Cough away boys, cough away

If you think this is a speech with nothing to say
Cough away boys, cough away
It was Priti Patel just the other day
Cough away boys, cough away

Jacob’s Fish Are Happy Fish

Born in Hammersmith
Went to school at Eton
Then Trinity College
Oxford
Presided over the Tory
Association
Went into the City
Started a hedge fund
Amassed what they call
A significant fortune
Estimated worth
150 million
Married into money
Helen The Chair
A mate of his sister’s
Who was always there

Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish

Moved into politics
In ‘97
Didn’t get elected then
Or even at the next ‘un
In Scotland they though he was
Too posh
Canvassing with nanny
Got a resounding 9%
Fuck off, toff
Complained to Piggy Cameron
That his quotas weren’t right
Said parliament oughta be
95% white
Nicked a speech off Trevor Kavanagh
Faked an interview and then
Got a seat in North East Somerset
In 2010

Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish

In parliament he became
King of the filibuster
Thought he was funny
With his history and verse
Holding the record in the Commons
For the longest word spoken
But spoke other words
That were even worse
Addressing members of the far-right
Traditional Britain society
Who would have some of us
Made deportees
And said quarter of a million quid
Spent on MPs portraits
Was just chicken feed

Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish

He got a hand up into government
From a fellow Old Etonian
Leader of the House of Commons, no less
Then was kept away from the mics and the cameras
After he said the Grenfell victims
Lacked common sense
Now , chief Eurosceptic
Out of all the Eurosceptics
Said Trump will be our best ally
After Brexit
He likes Brits to be Brits
And the poor to be poor
And says gay marriage
Still breaks the church’s law

Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish

He broke the lockdown rules
‘Cos he prefers a Latin mass
His relationship with god
Is more important, more pious
Than your relationship
With coronavirus
He wasn’t born to follow
He was born to lead
And his vicious defence of the status quo
Is just born of greed

Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish
But Jacob can just fuck off