Rivers Of Shit

It’s 2021, and we’re still paying the price
As once again enforcement just becomes advice
We’re used to Tories doing things that really ain’t that nice
But this one, I must admit, came as a surprise

‘Cos they’re shitting in the rivers and they’re shitting in the sea
George Eustice reckons it’s okay, environmentally
So, if you’re heading for your local spot to take a pleasant dip
Remember, like the Tories it’s just full of shit

Raw sewage at the seaside isn’t very nice
So, there’s a handy sign up to give you this advice
You should keep your mouth and nose closed and best shut your eyes too
‘Cos your Tory MP voted for you to bathe in poo

They’re shitting in the rivers and they’re shitting in the sea
They’re shitting on the likes of you and the likes of me
So, if your heading for your local spot to take a pleasant dip
Remember, like the Tories it’s just full of shit

In the absence of all reason they put it to the vote
To throw shit into the rivers to float amongst the boats
Two hundred and fifty Tories put their hands up for the right
To fill your local waterway up with shite

They’re shitting in the rivers and they’re shitting in the sea
They’re shitting on the likes of you and the likes of me
So, if your heading for your local spot to take a pleasant dip
Remember, like the Tories it’s just full of shit

The River

She pulled him out of the river
Fed him, clothed him, found him a home

Cos pulling folk out the river
Is the only way she’s ever known

She pulls him out of the river
And tomorrow she’ll pull him out again
She pulls him out of the river
But she’ll never meet the bastards
That keep throwing him in

Keep throwing him in

She pulls them out of the river
Without ever asking from where they’ve come

Fishing souls out the river
And some days her day’s work is never done

She pulls him out of the river
And tomorrow she’ll pull him out again
She pulls him out of the river
But she’ll never meet the bastards
That keep throwing him in

Keep throwing him in


She’s fishing souls out the river
Seems that’s the way it’s always been

While the soulless bastards in government
Keep throwing them in

She pulls him out of the river
And tomorrow she’ll pull him out again
She pulls him out of the river
But she’ll never meet the bastards
That keep throwing him in

Keep throwing him in

She’s fishing souls out the river
Seems that’s the way it’s always been
While the soulless bastards in government
Keep throwing us in
Keep throwing us in
Keep throwing us in

(There Ain’t No) Halfway There

If you halve child poverty, will they all be half as poor?
Or will half be as poor as all they were before?
What sort of compromise
With government lies
About austerity and poverty
And children going hungry
Says well, we’ll meet you halfway there

The judgement of Solomon is somehow lost on them
The biblical rule said going halves ain’t cool
What kind of compromise
With folk that you despise
Says, you know well maybe
If we can’t have all the baby
Says well, we’ll meet you halfway there

We went looking for the centre, but all we found was the system
There ain’t no halfway there

The judgement of Solomon is somehow lost on them
The biblical rule said going halves ain’t cool
What kind of compromise
With folk that you despise
Says, you know well maybe
If we can’t have all the baby
Says well, we’ll meet you halfway there

We went looking for the centre, but all we found was the system
There ain’t no halfway there

There ain’t no halfway
There ain’t no halfway there

Mr Toothpaste

Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube
When the prince wants to brush his teeth
Mr Toothpaste fences the loot
That other dignitaries bequeath
Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage
When the prince can only use one hand
And if you want a dodgy CBE
Mr Toothpaste is your man

When you change your clothes five times a day
You might need someone to put ‘em away
In royal circles that’s called a valet
And Prince Charles, he’s got four (if not more)

Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube
When the prince wants to brush his teeth
Mr Toothpaste fences the loot
That other dignitaries bequeath
Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage
When the prince can only use one hand
And if you want a dodgy CBE
Mr Toothpaste is your man

Breaking your arm is an inconvenience
Lady Luck don’t show royals any lenience
But Michael is a valet with such an allegiance
He’ll hold it while the Prince has a piss (so he don’t miss)

Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube
When the prince wants to brush his teeth
Mr Toothpaste fences the loot
That other dignitaries bequeath
Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage
When the prince can only use one hand
And if you want a dodgy CBE
Mr Toothpaste is your man

The director of the royal cock holds a special place
And he’ll never face a discrimination case
Whatever happened anyway to the rape tapes
Some things we’ll never know (ain’t that so?)

Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube
When the prince wants to brush his teeth
Mr Toothpaste fences the loot
That other dignitaries bequeath
Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage
When the prince can only use one hand
And if you want a dodgy CBE
Mr Toothpaste is your man

Now Prince Charles’ influence could help a fellow out
But how to curry favour with a fellow of such clout?
Well extravagant gifts will help, no doubt
That Toothpaste will turn into cash (well that’s rash)

Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube
When the prince wants to brush his teeth
Mr Toothpaste fences the loot
That other dignitaries bequeath
Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage
When the prince can only use one hand
And if you want a dodgy CBE
Mr Toothpaste is your man

Now it turns out that what folk actually think is wrong
Is accepting wads of cash in exchange for a gong
Something I’m pretty sure they’ve done all along
So Toothpaste’s fallen on his sword (once more)

Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube
When the prince wants to brush his teeth
Mr Toothpaste fences the loot
That other dignitaries bequeath
Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage
When the prince can only use one hand
And if you want a dodgy CBE
Mr Toothpaste is your man
And when Prince Charles needs to pee
Mr Toothpaste is your man

Full story here.

Today, I’m Singing

Yesterday, I couldn’t touch things
Today, I can touch things
Yesterday, I couldn’t sing
Today, I’m singing
I’m singing
I’m singing

What about me?
I’m CEV
A year in isolation, cough free
Does anyone care about my captivity?

Yesterday I couldn’t go out
Today I can go out
Yesterday, I couldn’t sing
Today, I’m singing
I’m singing
I’m singing

Kids with vaccines
Wanna live their dreams
Sick of the disease
Time to do what they please
So, is it goodbye Jason and Joanna?

Yesterday, I couldn’t work things out
Today, I still can’t work things out
But yesterday, I couldn’t sing
Today, I’m singing
I’m singing
I’m singing

What about me?
I’m CEV
A year in isolation, cough free
Does anyone care about me?

Yesterday, I couldn’t touch things
Today, I can touch things
Yesterday, I couldn’t sing
Today, I’m singing
I’m singing
I’m singing
I’m singing
I’m singing

Pricks in Space

Pricks in space
Rich pricks in space
Rich pricks who think they’re philanthropists
In space
In space

Jeff’s got a rocket
Looks like a cock
It’s a rich spaceman
Delivery system
If space is so much better
He should just go and live there

Pricks in space
Rich pricks in space
Rich pricks who think they’re philanthropists
In space
In space

Richard was skint
But now he’s got a mint
To spunk on a rocket
That looks like a cock
It’s a rich spaceman
Delivery system
Only a space mission
By the NASA definition

Cos there’s not enough to keep him here
He loves a party near the edge of atmosphere

Pricks in space
Rich pricks in space
Rich pricks who think they’re philanthropists
In space
In space

Elon wants a rocket
That looks like a cock
It’s a burning ambition
To fly a space mission
So he’s looking for a lift with Dick
Cos he thinks that Jeff’s a prick

Pricks in space
Rich pricks in space
Rich pricks who think they’re philanthropists
In space
In space
In space
In space

Drax

As I was passing Charlborough House
I met a man who’d stopped to stare
I asked the stranger as we stood
What kind of folk live there
What kind of folk live there

The kind of folk live there, said he
Built the wall that now divides
Own all the land that you can see
And half of Dorsetshire besides
Half of Dorsetshire besides

Half of Dorsetshire besides, said I
And all the land that I can see
Pray tell me sir, what kind of folk
Have such economy?
Have such economy?

Such economy? Said he
Why that’s the home of Richard Drax
Whose family wealth was built upon
Thirty thousand broken backs
Thirty thousand broken backs

Thirty thousand broken backs, said I
Pray tell me what you mean
Does such a man of wealth and land
Have hands that aren’t kept clean?
Hands that aren’t kept clean?

Hands that aren’t kept clean? Said he
His money came from slavery
His hands are dirty as can be
Here’s a little history
A little history, said he

That history begins with James
Whose money came from sugar cane
A pioneer of the slave trade
And Drax Hall stands today
Drax Hall stands today

Drax Hall stands today, said he
And Drax plantation too
Where brother William took the trade
And their slave numbers grew
Their slave numbers grew

Their slave numbers grew, said he
Until there came the day
That slavery was banned, said he
But it was John Drax who got paid (a fortune)
John Drax who got paid

It was John Drax who got paid, said he
And not the former slaves
The owners compensated
Not the people freed from chains
Not the people freed from chains

Not the people freed from chains, said he
And Drax lives to this day
On the wealth of land worked by slaves
That he glibly waves away
He glibly waves away

He glibly waves away, said he
He denies his history
Says it was hundreds of years ago
Nothing to do with me, says he
Nothing to do with me

Nothing to do with me, said I
When his life’s such luxury
And owns half of Dorsetshire beside
Off the proceeds of slavery
The proceeds of slavery

As I was passing Charlborough House
I met a man who’d stopped to stare
So I asked the stranger what it was
That he was doing there
What are you doing there

What am I doing here, said he
I’ve come to settle the score
This day there might be just me
But one day there’ll be more
One day there’ll be more

One day there’ll be more, said he
One day then we’ll see
The attitudes of slavers
Join their statues in the sea
Join their statues in the sea

As I was passing Charlborough House,
I met a man who’d stopped to stare
And having heard his story
I stayed and joined him there
I stayed and joined him there

Derek and the Euros

Derek’s singing No Surrender
In the comfort of his own front room
Cos it’s too politically correct
To keep St George in your heart these days, he fumes

Cos Derek won two world wars
And Derek won one world cup
So, Derek won’t offer any applause
To players who won’t stand up

Gareth say be proud of an England
Where players take the knee
In the interests of pride and the interests of respect
And a little equality

Equality scoffs Derek, now he’s playing for a draw
That’s not what I tuned into the Euros for
Keep St George in my heart and God save the Queen
And God help us get out of Group D

Derek’s singing No Surrender
In the comfort of his own front room
Cos its seating room only in that pub on the front
Can’t be doing booking tables in the local ‘Spoon

Gareth says be proud of an England
Where the players take the knee
With responsibility to the community
Out of respect and out of duty

Derek says, well, it’s Marxist
(Oh come on, why doesn’t he pass it?)
You should keep your politics out of the game
All lives matter, know what I’m saying?

Derek’s singing No Surrender
In the comfort of his own front room
There’s no thought police between the carpets and the curtains
His home’s his castle, of that he’s certain

Gareth says be proud of an England
Where the players take the knee
And in the interests of pride and the interests of respect
They’ll stand and sing God Save The Queen

And Derek’s singing No Surrender
But St George in his heart ain’t so sure
Stand for the anthem, kneel for your brothers
Maybe ain’t so bad after all

Pandemic Posts, Songs and Poems: The Full List

  1. Quarantine the Queen
  2. Cull the Herd
  3. A Period of Great Concern
  4. Bog Roll Billionaire
  5. Nudge
  6. The Lockdown
  7. Mother’s Day in the Johnson House
  8. Lockdown Limbo
  9. The List
  10. The Day the Penny Dropped
  11. Charlie’s Got the Virus
  12. Shut Down the Sites
  13. Mild Symptoms
  14. Tories Get Tests
  15. Dominic Ran Away
  16. A Government Strategy Meeting
  17. The Lockdown, Week Two
  18. Fly ‘Em Home
  19. Goats!
  20. Tell ‘Em We’ll Test ‘Em Tomorrow
  21. Nurses! Never Forget
  22. 59 Billionaires
  23. Bog Roll v. Guns
  24. Just Another Day in Quarantine
  25. He’s Going in for Tests
  26. The Lockdown, Week Three
  27. Pirate President Trump
  28. The Government Pecking Order
  29. Who Cares What Nigel Farage Says?
  30. Priti Patel
  31. Robert Jenrick
  32. He is Risen
  33. Jacob’s Making Money
  34. Priti Sorry
  35. What Did You Do in the Lockdown, Dad?
  36. Untitled (14th April 2020)
  37. Put Him on the Spot
  38. Matt Hancock’s Badge
  39. Today’s Press Conference: It’s Working
  40. Matt Hancock’s Magic Wand
  41. Captain Tom (Better Keep Walking)
  42. Quietly Terrified
  43. Boris Bunks Off
  44. News From Necker Island
  45. Dead Heroes Are No Use to Anyone
  46. Liverpool 2-3 Atletico Madrid
  47. Should I Be Wearing a Mask?
  48. The Bunnies, the Beagles, and You
  49. B&Q
  50. St. George’s Day 2020
  51. Sunshine and Disinfectant
  52. Jason and the Virus
  53. Corona Universe
  54. The Prime Minister Prepares to Return to Work
  55. Holding Your Breath
  56. Sixty Thousand Pounds
  57. Daily Press Briefing, 28th April 2020 (Matt Hancock)
  58. Baby Boris is Born
  59. Spaffer Fixes Bayonets
  60. Rachel on the Radio
  61. What’s Gonna Happen When the Clapping Stops?
  62. Are You Ready?
  63. The Sickest Man in Europe
  64. Professor Lockdown
  65. Matt Hancock’s NHS
  66. VE Day
  67. This is England
  68. Shut Up
  69. A New Slogan
  70. Too Little, and Just Not Enough
  71. Heigh-Ho
  72. Britain First Want Their Virus Back
  73. Daily Mail: Let Our Teachers Be Heroes
  74. Work Is Safe (Tell ‘Em)
  75. Where Is Mr. Johnson?
  76. Has Anybody Checked the Fridge?
  77. When Tories Clap
  78. Five Tests
  79. World Beating
  80. Swimming With Sharks
  81. Herd Immunity Cummings (Gets Caught Breaking the Rules)
  82. Dominic Ran Away (Again)
  83. 22 Days (Of Dither and Delay)
  84. A Daily Mail Poll
  85. Hey, Dido!
  86. Barbeque Season
  87. On Not Following the Science
  88. Professor Jonathan Van-Tam
  89. Derek
  90. Untitled (3rd June 2020)
  91. More on Masks
  92. Here’s the New Normal
  93. No More ‘Til September
  94. Another Day, Another Press Conference
  95. Iain Duncan Smith/Trail of Bodies
  96. A Statue of Boris Johnson
  97. The Rights of Dogs
  98. What Dowden Didn’t Say Yesterday
  99. Farmer Dom
  100. Trust
  101. Derek and the Germans
  102. Jason Gets the Call
  103. Johnson Has Washed His Hands
  104. Patient 91
  105. The Lockdown, Part Four
  106. Super Spreader Saturday
  107. Spaghetti Bolognese (A Very English Tea)
  108. Coronavirus 1-0 Bolsonaro
  109. My COVID Discount
  110. Should I Be Wearing a Mask? (You Had to Ask)
  111. A Masked Man Walks Into a Bar
  112. Should I Be Wearing a Mask? (July)
  113. Derek Won’t Wear a Mask
  114. Cassie Sunshine (Is Wearing a G-String on Her Face)
  115. Chingford to Oxford Circus via Walthamstow Central
  116. Don’t Cough Over Your Cat
  117. (Living Life on the Lookout For) A Second Wave
  118. Local Lockdowns, Part One
  119. Ayanda Capital
  120. They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?
  121. A Man With a Fascist Flag
  122. Should I Be Wearing a Mask? Part Six
  123. Untitled (7th September 2020)
  124. Has Hancock Lost Control?
  125. Ferrari’s Furlough Fraudsters
  126. The Under 21’s
  127. Operation Moonshot
  128. Tofu Bats and Tofu Pangolins
  129. The Rule of Six
  130. Ian, Noel and ‘Van
  131. Leyton Orient 0-19 COVID
  132. Facemasks at Half Mast
  133. Rishi Sunak (We Know a Song About You)
  134. Hands, Face, Pasty
  135. Will it End in Tiers?
  136. The Children of the First XV
  137. (Whatever Happened To) Jason and Joanna?
  138. This Ship is Lost at Sea
  139. Tear Down the Fence
  140. From World-Beating to Scraping the Play-Offs
  141. Cummings, Cain and Princess Nut-Nut
  142. Christmas Bubble Trouble
  143. On Substantiality and Scotch Eggs
  144. Williamson v. Ferrari: Brexit Gambit Declined
  145. Christmas With the Vulnerables
  146. An Eyeful of Nose
  147. Behave as if You Have the Virus
  148. The Golden-Haired Boy
  149. ‘Tis the Season to be Jolly Careful
  150. Right Bullets, Wrong Gun
  151. My Postie’s Being Bullied by Iain Duncan Smith
  152. According to Paul
  153. Jacob’s Fish are Happy Fish
  154. Cough Away
  155. Maxine and Henry
  156. A Million Pounds a Day
  157. One Zero Zero, Zero Zero Zero
  158. The Tory Party Donor Money-Go-Round
  159. Free Stuff Jesus
  160. Keith Likes It
  161. 3-0 Up
  162. Clap a Tory, Pay a Nurse
  163. A Trip to Mars
  164. Jason and Joanna: Vaccine Wars
  165. A Minute’s Silence
  166. Capitalism and Greed
  167. Respect
  168. Spaffed
  169. Colin the COVID Cat
  170. Let the Bodies Pile High
  171. For Hug’s Sake
  172. The State of the Opening of Parliament
  173. Kick It ‘Til It Breaks
  174. Hancock, the Care Home Killer
  175. Killing People’s Okay, But Kissing Them Isn’t
  176. Today, I’m Singing
  177. Nikki Minaj’s Cousin’s Friend’s Testicles

Kick It ‘Til It Breaks

Who has got the more slappable face?
Well, Scotch Egg Gove was leading the race
But now Horrible Hancock is in first place
You’ve gotta do what it takes
And kick it ‘til it breaks

Kick it ‘til it breaks
You gotta slap its silly face
And kick it ‘til it breaks

What I said was
What I meant was
What I said was
What I meant was
For fuck’s sake
Just kick it ‘til it breaks

And Cummings’ heroic self sacrifice bid
Ain’t gonna forgive what he did
A trip to the castle with his kid
God forbid
You’ve gotta kick it ‘til it breaks

Kick it ‘til it breaks
You gotta slap its silly face
And kick it ‘til it breaks

Then there’s the care home fiasco
The PPE that didn’t show
The clap a nurse but pay Dido
They’ve gotta go
You’ve gotta kick it ‘til it breaks

Kick it ‘til it breaks
You gotta slap its silly face
And kick it ‘til it breaks

Like a Hartlepool voter
An EU fishing quota
An Eton boater
Who cares not one iota
A pawnbroker playing poker
While the odour of the owner
Runs you over like a roller
Someone wake me when it’s over
And we can kick it ‘til it breaks