He still eats meat five days a week And runs his car on cheese and wine, Owns two hundred square miles of land And several droves of rarest swine. He’s waited on around the clock On hand and foot and royal cock, From royal shoe to royal sock And royal boxer to royal jock. He married the nation’s sweetheart Then walked his mate’s wife up the aisle, He was mates with Jimmy Savile And his brother is a paedophile.
He still eats meat five days a week And runs his car on cheese and wine, Owns homes that thousands of others live in And lets the rents just climb and climb. He’s waited on around the clock On hand and foot and royal cock, By valets who express no shock At some duties that most might knock. His brother is a paedophile His uncle even worse, it’s said. He runs his car on cheese and wine; Like all the rest, off with his head.
Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube When the prince wants to brush his teeth Mr Toothpaste fences the loot That other dignitaries bequeath Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage When the prince can only use one hand And if you want a dodgy CBE Mr Toothpaste is your man
When you change your clothes five times a day You might need someone to put ‘em away In royal circles that’s called a valet And Prince Charles, he’s got four (if not more)
Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube When the prince wants to brush his teeth Mr Toothpaste fences the loot That other dignitaries bequeath Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage When the prince can only use one hand And if you want a dodgy CBE Mr Toothpaste is your man
Breaking your arm is an inconvenience Lady Luck don’t show royals any lenience But Michael is a valet with such an allegiance He’ll hold it while the Prince has a piss (so he don’t miss)
Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube When the prince wants to brush his teeth Mr Toothpaste fences the loot That other dignitaries bequeath Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage When the prince can only use one hand And if you want a dodgy CBE Mr Toothpaste is your man
The director of the royal cock holds a special place And he’ll never face a discrimination case Whatever happened anyway to the rape tapes Some things we’ll never know (ain’t that so?)
Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube When the prince wants to brush his teeth Mr Toothpaste fences the loot That other dignitaries bequeath Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage When the prince can only use one hand And if you want a dodgy CBE Mr Toothpaste is your man
Now Prince Charles’ influence could help a fellow out But how to curry favour with a fellow of such clout? Well extravagant gifts will help, no doubt That Toothpaste will turn into cash (well that’s rash)
Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube When the prince wants to brush his teeth Mr Toothpaste fences the loot That other dignitaries bequeath Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage When the prince can only use one hand And if you want a dodgy CBE Mr Toothpaste is your man
Now it turns out that what folk actually think is wrong Is accepting wads of cash in exchange for a gong Something I’m pretty sure they’ve done all along So Toothpaste’s fallen on his sword (once more)
Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube When the prince wants to brush his teeth Mr Toothpaste fences the loot That other dignitaries bequeath Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage When the prince can only use one hand And if you want a dodgy CBE Mr Toothpaste is your man And when Prince Charles needs to pee Mr Toothpaste is your man
Charlie’s got the virus
He’s seventy-one
Just as well it’s a while since he’s seen his mum
Charlies got the virus
He’s working from home
He’s got plenty of staff
So he’s not alone Yeah
Charlie’s got the virus
Charlie’s got the virus
Charlie’s got the virus
Now he knows what it’s like to be us
Charlie got tested
He’s important you see
Like a football player in division three
Charlie got tested
Though his cough is mild
He’s had the best care since he was a child
Yeah Charlie’s got the virus
Charlie’s got the virus
Charlie’s got the virus
Now he knows what it’s like to be us
Charlie’s had the virus
Since the 12th or thereabouts
He’s had it since speaking at the Mansion House
Charlies got the virus Like thousands of folk
But got treated much better as a royal bloke
Yeah Charlie’s got the virus
Charlie’s got the virus
Charlie’s got the virus
Now he knows what it’s like to be us
Steve White & The Protest Family 