Mr Toothpaste

Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube
When the prince wants to brush his teeth
Mr Toothpaste fences the loot
That other dignitaries bequeath
Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage
When the prince can only use one hand
And if you want a dodgy CBE
Mr Toothpaste is your man

When you change your clothes five times a day
You might need someone to put ‘em away
In royal circles that’s called a valet
And Prince Charles, he’s got four (if not more)

Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube
When the prince wants to brush his teeth
Mr Toothpaste fences the loot
That other dignitaries bequeath
Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage
When the prince can only use one hand
And if you want a dodgy CBE
Mr Toothpaste is your man

Breaking your arm is an inconvenience
Lady Luck don’t show royals any lenience
But Michael is a valet with such an allegiance
He’ll hold it while the Prince has a piss (so he don’t miss)

Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube
When the prince wants to brush his teeth
Mr Toothpaste fences the loot
That other dignitaries bequeath
Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage
When the prince can only use one hand
And if you want a dodgy CBE
Mr Toothpaste is your man

The director of the royal cock holds a special place
And he’ll never face a discrimination case
Whatever happened anyway to the rape tapes
Some things we’ll never know (ain’t that so?)

Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube
When the prince wants to brush his teeth
Mr Toothpaste fences the loot
That other dignitaries bequeath
Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage
When the prince can only use one hand
And if you want a dodgy CBE
Mr Toothpaste is your man

Now Prince Charles’ influence could help a fellow out
But how to curry favour with a fellow of such clout?
Well extravagant gifts will help, no doubt
That Toothpaste will turn into cash (well that’s rash)

Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube
When the prince wants to brush his teeth
Mr Toothpaste fences the loot
That other dignitaries bequeath
Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage
When the prince can only use one hand
And if you want a dodgy CBE
Mr Toothpaste is your man

Now it turns out that what folk actually think is wrong
Is accepting wads of cash in exchange for a gong
Something I’m pretty sure they’ve done all along
So Toothpaste’s fallen on his sword (once more)

Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube
When the prince wants to brush his teeth
Mr Toothpaste fences the loot
That other dignitaries bequeath
Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage
When the prince can only use one hand
And if you want a dodgy CBE
Mr Toothpaste is your man
And when Prince Charles needs to pee
Mr Toothpaste is your man

Full story here.

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