Mr Toothpaste

Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube
When the prince wants to brush his teeth
Mr Toothpaste fences the loot
That other dignitaries bequeath
Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage
When the prince can only use one hand
And if you want a dodgy CBE
Mr Toothpaste is your man

When you change your clothes five times a day
You might need someone to put ‘em away
In royal circles that’s called a valet
And Prince Charles, he’s got four (if not more)

Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube
When the prince wants to brush his teeth
Mr Toothpaste fences the loot
That other dignitaries bequeath
Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage
When the prince can only use one hand
And if you want a dodgy CBE
Mr Toothpaste is your man

Breaking your arm is an inconvenience
Lady Luck don’t show royals any lenience
But Michael is a valet with such an allegiance
He’ll hold it while the Prince has a piss (so he don’t miss)

Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube
When the prince wants to brush his teeth
Mr Toothpaste fences the loot
That other dignitaries bequeath
Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage
When the prince can only use one hand
And if you want a dodgy CBE
Mr Toothpaste is your man

The director of the royal cock holds a special place
And he’ll never face a discrimination case
Whatever happened anyway to the rape tapes
Some things we’ll never know (ain’t that so?)

Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube
When the prince wants to brush his teeth
Mr Toothpaste fences the loot
That other dignitaries bequeath
Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage
When the prince can only use one hand
And if you want a dodgy CBE
Mr Toothpaste is your man

Now Prince Charles’ influence could help a fellow out
But how to curry favour with a fellow of such clout?
Well extravagant gifts will help, no doubt
That Toothpaste will turn into cash (well that’s rash)

Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube
When the prince wants to brush his teeth
Mr Toothpaste fences the loot
That other dignitaries bequeath
Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage
When the prince can only use one hand
And if you want a dodgy CBE
Mr Toothpaste is your man

Now it turns out that what folk actually think is wrong
Is accepting wads of cash in exchange for a gong
Something I’m pretty sure they’ve done all along
So Toothpaste’s fallen on his sword (once more)

Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube
When the prince wants to brush his teeth
Mr Toothpaste fences the loot
That other dignitaries bequeath
Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage
When the prince can only use one hand
And if you want a dodgy CBE
Mr Toothpaste is your man
And when Prince Charles needs to pee
Mr Toothpaste is your man

Full story here.

Mild Symptoms

Charlie’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And Boris has got ‘em (mild symptoms)
Now Matt’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And they all got tested too

Matt says that he’s working from home
He says that you should too
But you can’t build luxury flats on the phone
You still have to get on the tube

Charlie’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And Boris has got ‘em (mild symptoms)
Now Matt’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And they all got tested too

Boris says he’s working from home
He’s urging you to do the same
But you can’t fix washing machines on the phone
And stayin’ home just won’t pay

Charlie’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And Boris has got ‘em (mild symptoms)
Now Matt’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And they all got tested too

Charlie’s working from one of his homes
But his staff don’t get a say
He can be the heir to the throne on the phone
‘Cos no-one’s listening anyway

Charlie’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And Boris has got ‘em (mild symptoms)
Now Matt’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And they all got tested too

Mild symptoms – not everybody gets ‘em
Mild symptoms – nor the level of protection
Mild symptoms – and tests for politicians
But not for the nurses or the clinicians

Charlie’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And Boris has got ‘em (mild symptoms)
Now Matt’s got ‘em (mild symptoms)
And they all got tested too
They all got tested too

Charlie’s Got The Virus

Charlie’s got the virus
He’s seventy-one
Just as well it’s a while since he’s seen his mum
Charlies got the virus
He’s working from home
He’s got plenty of staff
So he’s not alone Yeah

Charlie’s got the virus
Charlie’s got the virus
Charlie’s got the virus
Now he knows what it’s like to be us

Charlie got tested
He’s important you see
Like a football player in division three
Charlie got tested
Though his cough is mild
He’s had the best care since he was a child

Yeah Charlie’s got the virus
Charlie’s got the virus
Charlie’s got the virus
Now he knows what it’s like to be us

Charlie’s had the virus
Since the 12th or thereabouts
He’s had it since speaking at the Mansion House
Charlies got the virus Like thousands of folk
But got treated much better as a royal bloke

Yeah Charlie’s got the virus
Charlie’s got the virus
Charlie’s got the virus
Now he knows what it’s like to be us