Donald Trump is threatening to shoot Iranian ships
To drive up, we suspect, the oil price a bit
While supporting protesters rights
Against all medical advice
To let the virus just transmit
So long as they are not the ones to actually get it.
Meanwhile back home in the UK
We did eighteen thousand tests today.
A fair way short, granted
Of Hancock’s end of month hundred thousand target
And a vaccine is still months or years away
But still
B&Q is re-opening today.
There’s a potential hero in this story
Goes by the name of ChAdOx1
They’re building it in an Oxford laboratory
But the work is not yet done
From Saudi to the British Isles
They’re skipping straight to human trials
It sounds like a bit of good news
For the bunnies, the beagles and you
Fighting the fight against COVID-19
Looking for volunteers for this scheme
Despite what Nick Ferrari thinks
They’re not guinea pigs
But from Saudi to the British Isles
They’re skipping straight to human trials
It sounds like a bit of good news
For the bunnies, the beagles and you
They’re setting aside market obligation
For a bit of international cooperation
Developing vaccine with alacrity
The seed stock’s heading out to Italy
From Saudi to the British Isles
They’re skipping straight to human trials
It sounds like a bit of good news
(Of which Carrie Symonds would approve)
For the bunnies, the beagles and you
Zorro, The Lone Ranger
The Phantom of the Opera, Darth Vader
Batman, but Batgirl’s is better
Wolverine, V for Vendetta
Optimus Prime and Leatherface
Stanley Ipkiss’ is pretty ace
Should I be wearing a mask?
Zorro, The Lone Ranger
The Phantom of the Opera, Darth Vader
Batman, but Batgirl’s is better
Wolverine, V for Vendetta
Optimus Prime and Leatherface
Stanley Ipkiss’ is pretty ace
Should I be wearing a mask?
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Raphael’s red, Donatello’s is purple
Leonardo, Michelangelo
The Green Hornet and Cato too
Mexican wrestlers, Wonder Woman
Spiderman could but Peter Parker couldn’t
Should I be wearing a mask?
Zorro, The Lone Ranger
The Phantom of the Opera, Darth Vader
Batman, but Batgirl’s is better
Wolverine, V for Vendetta
Optimus Prime and Leatherface
Stanley Ipkiss’ is pretty ace
Should I be wearing a mask?
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Raphael’s red, Donatello’s is purple
Leonardo, Michelangelo
The Green Hornet and Cato too
Mexican wrestlers, Wonder Woman
Spiderman could but Peter Parker couldn’t
Should I be wearing a mask?
Catwoman, Doctor Doom
Hannibal Lector, Ghostface too
Phillipe of Gascony, the Jigsaw Killer
But not Michael Jackson in Thriller
Captain America, The Flash
And highwaymen wore them for cash
Should I be wearing a mask?
Should I be wearing a mask?
Dead heroes are no use to anyone
But let’s be clear:
No one deliberately denied them what they need,
They just weren’t competent enough foresee
That it’ll happen here if it’s happening next door
And we don’t make our own stuff here anymore.
Dead heroes are no use to anyone
But let’s be clear:
They frequently turned a deaf ear
To talk of contingency planning
But they employ a great sloganeer
And you can all see it happening:
A failing government labelling you a hero
Because they’re getting it into the public’s head
Before they have to tell them that you’re dead.
But let’s be clear,
Dead heroes are no use to anyone.
You join us on another splendid Anfield evening, ringing to the sound of You’ll Never Walk Alone and anticipating the return of Jordan Henderson to first team football. Tomorrow the World Health Organisation, in response to 20,000 cases and over 1,000 deaths, will declare a pandemic in Europe but tonight it’s the visitors Atletico Madrid who get us underway.
Costa drags an early shot wide but then it’s all Liverpool, pressing high up the pitch and looking aggressive and sharp as Oxlade-Chamberlain forces a fine save from Oblak, in goal for Atletico. We’re joined tonight by 3,000 visiting fans from Madrid even though gatherings of over a thousand have already been banned in Spain. Here in the UK, it’s government’s view that shutting down major sporting events will only have a minimal effect.
Oblak again! The Slovenian keeper is really earning his money tonight, somehow getting his hand to the ball after Firmino touched on a wicked Alexander-Arnold cross. Nearly half the coronavirus cases in Spain are currently in Madrid but the fans here clearly haven’t been let down by their team’s defence.
Finally, Liverpool turn all that pressure into a goal. Another peach of a cross from Oxlade-Chamberlain headed home by Wijnaldum from 12 yards out. That puts the fixture all-square with Liverpool one down after the first leg. There are only twelve confirmed coronavirus cases in Merseyside tonight and it’s all to play for.
Half-time: Liverpool 1-0 Atletico Madrid.
We’re back underway. No changes in the break other than weather as the rain is now bucketing down. The day after tomorrow, the Premiership will suspend all fixtures, followed by the EFL a few days later.
It’s still all about the Atletico keeper: a fine save from a Mane volley that was ruled offside anyway and then another as Oxlade-Chamberlain fizzes in an effort of his own. Oblak really is on fire, and he needs to be. In just under a week EUFA will postpone Euro 2020 for a year.
Twenty-five minutes to go here and despite their best efforts Liverpool can’t seem to score. Llorente has replaced Costa for Atletico, but is it time for some fresh legs from the Liverpool bench? It looks like they’ve lost momentum in the last five minutes. It’s close, not like Atalanta v. Valencia three weeks ago which the mayor of Bergamo described as “a biological bomb”.
He’s hit the bar! A deflection from a Salah shot looped up into the box but Robertson’s subsequent header smashed off the woodwork. What have Liverpool got to do to make an impact? It’s like Matt Hancock said earlier today: “Sometimes the things that we, as lay people, may feel intuitively will have the biggest impact do not in fact have the biggest impact. There are some things that feel right but do not have an impact at all.” Just like Liverpool’s attack.
Full time: Liverpool 1-0 Atletico Madrid, and we’re headed for extra-time, ironically the one thing The Global Health Institute told us we didn’t have.
Here we go again, and this could yet go to penalties. But wait! A goal! Firmino’s header hits the post but he’s able to tap the rebound home. Liverpool are on the up and despite the Premiership taking matters into their own hands, Sir Patrick Vallance will tell the daily press briefing that banning mass gatherings is not a priority.
Oh no! That’s a terrible error from the Liverpool keeper as his routine clearance goes straight to Felix who lays it off for Llorente to slot home. The visitors will go through on the away goal rule as it stands, but it’s still another five days until the government will advise against large-scale events.
Another sucker punch. Llorente slots home his second and that really could be it for Liverpool as we approach half time in extra time. It’s going to take a huge 15 minutes from the holders now. You’ve got to wonder if this match should have gone ahead at all.
It’s all too late for the champions, sadly, they’ve clearly run out of steam as Morata runs half the length of the pitch to slot home past Adrian to put the icing on the cake for the visitors. It’ll turn out to be the last big football match to be played in England for some time.
Full time: Liverpool 2-3 Atletico Madrid, and by 15th April nearly 3,000 people in Merseyside will have tested positive for COVID-19 and 448 of them will have died, including Liverpool superfan Nick Burrows and Hillsborough survivor Dave Roland.
The news from Necker Island isn’t good
Mr Branson’s still not in a very good mood
In this time of global crisis
And plummeting global airline prices
He wants to spend our money, not his own
Mr Branson really doesn’t want to pay
But he’s the seventh richest person in the UK
The news from Necker Island isn’t good
Mr Branson thinks he’s been misunderstood
He wants to place his staff on furlough
But pay their wages with our dough
He wants to spend our money, not his own
Mr Branson really doesn’t want to pay
But he’s the seventh richest person in the UK
The news from Necker Island isn’t good
It’s a lovely place to visit if you could
It’s a place to wash your conscience clean
It’s a place with a zero-tax regime
It’s the place that Branson’s money calls his home
Mr Branson really doesn’t want to pay
But he’s the seventh richest person in the UK
The news from Necker Island isn’t good
It’s a lovely place to visit if you could
It’s a place to wash your conscience clean
It’s a place with a zero-tax regime
It’s the place that Branson’s tax-free money
It’s the place that Branson’s tax-free money
It’s the place that Branson’s tax-free money
Calls home
Do you remember
When you were younger
Bunking off school
Thinking you were cool
When lessons never seemed much cop
When you could be browsing in the record shop
Do you remember
When you were younger
Wagging off school
Playing the fool
Thinking later this won’t be possible
Adults gotta be responsible
But if Boris Johnson can bunk off COBRA
Your schoolchild self was right after all
Do you remember
When you were younger
Nothing hurt
As much as hard work
But there was nothing like your summer holiday
It made the first day of term seem like such a long way away
But if Boris Johnson can bunk off COBRA
Why should I go to work today?
I heard Boris’ mate on the radio
Said he was a hard working so and so
Being a journalist, a mayor and an MP at the same time
A Tory Stakhanovite, with a ladder to climb
But if Boris Johnson can sack off COBRA
I’m taking some personal time
Yeah, if Boris Johnson can sack off COBRA
And people die
Then that’s a crime
Jason’s lucky, he’s been working from home
He can do a Teams meeting or talk on the phone
He’s available by email but never alone
With his wife and kids in the background
But there’s some work that he needs to see
Something that can’t be done remotely
He’s gonna ask them for another nominee
Because he’s quietly terrified
Joanna’s going supermarket shopping
She lost an online spot, but a least no one’s coughing
A good hour’s queue is still pretty shocking
But at least they’re two metres apart
She’s got gloves and a mask off the internet
So she don’t get infected by the people that she might’ve met
Her precautions are about as good as she can get
She’s quietly terrified
Jason and Joanna have key worker status
They’re part of the local government apparatus
But they’re unlikely to actually say to us
They’re working on the frontline
Jason and Joanna should try being a nurse
Or a doctor in the NHS or driving a hearse
Or driving a bus which is probably worse
They’re quietly terrified
Quietly terrified, the state of the nation
Doing their best in lonely isolation
Slowly losing their anticipation
That the government would know what to do
Quietly terrified, and losing their confidence
In the daily government press conference
No exit strategy that makes any kind of sense
They’re quietly terrified
NB Jason and Joanna are fictional characters. The government, on the other hand, are terrifyingly, incompetently, real.
Two million useless home test kits
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
Bought while summoning the spirit of the Blitz
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
The PHE media chatter
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
Said testing the test was just a small matter
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
So it might vex, and it might irk
That two million home test kits don’t work
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
Dumbing the PPE standards down
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
‘Cos there still ain’t enough of the right sort of gown
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
Welcome to the global marketplace
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
Where it seems that we’re not winning the race
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
An economic throw of the dice
Even the swabs are ten times the price
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
Captain Tom confined to his garden
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
As social distancing guidelines harden
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
And if Captain Tom should need assistance
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
His helper would have to keep their distance
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
Six foot six between the joggers and the shoppers
But Westminster Bridge is covered in coppers
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
Sunak found the magic money tree
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
But he can’t seem to use it to buy PPE
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
While Hancock, whose word is not his bond
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
Now says he needs a magic wand
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
And selling badges to cover this mess
Shows they don’t care about the NHS
So Captain Tom better keep walking
Matt Hancock wishes he had a magic wand
So he could make PPE fall from the sky
Care homes deluged and hospitals bombed
With gloves, gowns, goggles and no one asking why
That last week he said PPE was plentiful
The only problem was that it was in the wrong place
And we were being far too sceptical
All we needed was to give him some space
To find the right warehouses, but did he get it wrong?
Was the PPE really in the sky all along?
Steve White & The Protest Family 