Liverpool 2-3 Atletico Madrid

liverpool

You join us on another splendid Anfield evening, ringing to the sound of You’ll Never Walk Alone and anticipating the return of Jordan Henderson to first team football. Tomorrow the World Health Organisation, in response to 20,000 cases and over 1,000 deaths, will declare a pandemic in Europe but tonight it’s the visitors Atletico Madrid who get us underway.

Costa drags an early shot wide but then it’s all Liverpool, pressing high up the pitch and looking aggressive and sharp as Oxlade-Chamberlain forces a fine save from Oblak, in goal for Atletico. We’re joined tonight by 3,000 visiting fans from Madrid even though gatherings of over a thousand have already been banned in Spain. Here in the UK, it’s government’s view that shutting down major sporting events will only have a minimal effect.

Oblak again! The Slovenian keeper is really earning his money tonight, somehow getting his hand to the ball after Firmino touched on a wicked Alexander-Arnold cross. Nearly half the coronavirus cases in Spain are currently in Madrid but the fans here clearly haven’t been let down by their team’s defence.

Finally, Liverpool turn all that pressure into a goal. Another peach of a cross from Oxlade-Chamberlain headed home by Wijnaldum from 12 yards out. That puts the fixture all-square with Liverpool one down after the first leg. There are only twelve confirmed coronavirus cases in Merseyside tonight and it’s all to play for.

Half-time: Liverpool 1-0 Atletico Madrid.

We’re back underway. No changes in the break other than weather as the rain is now bucketing down. The day after tomorrow, the Premiership will suspend all fixtures, followed by the EFL a few days later.

It’s still all about the Atletico keeper: a fine save from a Mane volley that was ruled offside anyway and then another as Oxlade-Chamberlain fizzes in an effort of his own. Oblak really is on fire, and he needs to be. In just under a week EUFA will postpone Euro 2020 for a year.

Twenty-five minutes to go here and despite their best efforts Liverpool can’t seem to score. Llorente has replaced Costa for Atletico, but is it time for some fresh legs from the Liverpool bench? It looks like they’ve lost momentum in the last five minutes. It’s close, not like Atalanta v. Valencia three weeks ago which the mayor of Bergamo described as “a biological bomb”.

He’s hit the bar! A deflection from a Salah shot looped up into the box but Robertson’s subsequent header smashed off the woodwork. What have Liverpool got to do to make an impact? It’s like Matt Hancock said earlier today: “Sometimes the things that we, as lay people, may feel intuitively will have the biggest impact do not in fact have the biggest impact. There are some things that feel right but do not have an impact at all.” Just like Liverpool’s attack.

Full time: Liverpool 1-0 Atletico Madrid, and we’re headed for extra-time, ironically the one thing The Global Health Institute told us we didn’t have.

Here we go again, and this could yet go to penalties. But wait! A goal! Firmino’s header hits the post but he’s able to tap the rebound home. Liverpool are on the up and despite the Premiership taking matters into their own hands, Sir Patrick Vallance will tell the daily press briefing that banning mass gatherings is not a priority.

Oh no! That’s a terrible error from the Liverpool keeper as his routine clearance goes straight to Felix who lays it off for Llorente to slot home. The visitors will go through on the away goal rule as it stands, but it’s still another five days until the government will advise against large-scale events.

Another sucker punch. Llorente slots home his second and that really could be it for Liverpool as we approach half time in extra time. It’s going to take a huge 15 minutes from the holders now. You’ve got to wonder if this match should have gone ahead at all.

It’s all too late for the champions, sadly, they’ve clearly run out of steam as Morata runs half the length of the pitch to slot home past Adrian to put the icing on the cake for the visitors. It’ll turn out to be the last big football match to be played in England for some time.

Full time: Liverpool 2-3 Atletico Madrid, and by 15th April nearly 3,000 people in Merseyside will have tested positive for COVID-19 and 448 of them will have died, including Liverpool superfan Nick Burrows and Hillsborough survivor Dave Roland.

 

 

Boris Bunks Off

Do you remember
When you were younger
Bunking off school
Thinking you were cool
When lessons never seemed much cop
When you could be browsing in the record shop

Do you remember
When you were younger
Wagging off school
Playing the fool
Thinking later this won’t be possible
Adults gotta be responsible

But if Boris Johnson can bunk off COBRA
Your schoolchild self was right after all

Do you remember
When you were younger
Nothing hurt
As much as hard work
But there was nothing like your summer holiday
It made the first day of term seem like such a long way away

But if Boris Johnson can bunk off COBRA
Why should I go to work today?

I heard Boris’ mate on the radio
Said he was a hard working so and so
Being a journalist, a mayor and an MP at the same time
A Tory Stakhanovite, with a ladder to climb

But if Boris Johnson can sack off COBRA
I’m taking some personal time

Yeah, if Boris Johnson can sack off COBRA
And people die
Then that’s a crime

Quietly Terrified

Jason’s lucky, he’s been working from home
He can do a Teams meeting or talk on the phone
He’s available by email but never alone
With his wife and kids in the background
But there’s some work that he needs to see
Something that can’t be done remotely
He’s gonna ask them for another nominee
Because he’s quietly terrified

Joanna’s going supermarket shopping
She lost an online spot, but a least no one’s coughing
A good hour’s queue is still pretty shocking
But at least they’re two metres apart
She’s got gloves and a mask off the internet
So she don’t get infected by the people that she might’ve met
Her precautions are about as good as she can get
She’s quietly terrified

Jason and Joanna have key worker status
They’re part of the local government apparatus
But they’re unlikely to actually say to us
They’re working on the frontline
Jason and Joanna should try being a nurse
Or a doctor in the NHS or driving a hearse
Or driving a bus which is probably worse
They’re quietly terrified

Quietly terrified, the state of the nation
Doing their best in lonely isolation
Slowly losing their anticipation
That the government would know what to do
Quietly terrified, and losing their confidence
In the daily government press conference
No exit strategy that makes any kind of sense
They’re quietly terrified

 

NB Jason and Joanna are fictional characters. The government, on the other hand, are terrifyingly, incompetently, real.

Matt Hancock’s Magic Wand

Matt Hancock wishes he had a magic wand
So he could make PPE fall from the sky
Care homes deluged and hospitals bombed
With gloves, gowns, goggles and no one asking why
That last week he said PPE was plentiful
The only problem was that it was in the wrong place
And we were being far too sceptical
All we needed was to give him some space
To find the right warehouses, but did he get it wrong?
Was the PPE really in the sky all along?

mirrir

Today’s Press Conference: It’s Working

Eight hundred and sixty-one dead today: it’s working
A badge for care workers, but they have to pay: it’s working
Nearly fourteen thousand in total died: it’s working
The wrong sort of ventilator specified: it’s working
The media discussing austerity: it’s working
The NHS run like a charity: it’s working

Matt Hancock’s Badge

Supply and demand like you were taught at school
Economically, that’s the golden rule
But demand a gown
And you’ll get put down
Demand a mask
It’s too big of an ask
But we’ll tell you what
Here’s a badge

Remember when they asked you to lend ‘em your vote
With a snappy spin doctored memorable quote
Demand a test
Queue up with the rest
A ventilator?
See you later
But we’ll tell you what
Here’s a badge

What did you do in the lockdown, Matt?
Well, I gave ‘em a badge

Supply and demand, like you were taught at school
Is holding the government up to ridicule
Ventilators?
We built the wrong ones
Reagents?
Can’t use just anyone’s
But we’ll tell you what
Here’s a badge

Listening to Hancock’s Horrible Half Hour 1?
The excuses are running out of staying power
Demand PPE
For excuse number three
Or parity
For the care industry
We’ll tell you what
Here’s a badge

What did you do in the lockdown, Matt?
Well, I gave ‘em a badge

 

  1. “Hancock’s Horrible Half Hour” courtesy of John Beaumont from Batsfeet

 

care

Put Him on the Spot

Put him on the spot about the gloves and gowns
Put him on the spot about the start of the lockdown
Put him on the spot because his boss is a clown
He’ll tell you he was following the science

Put him on the spot about Germany
New Zealand, South Korea or even the Chinese
Put him on the spot about the Swedes
He’ll tell you he was following the science

Don’t ask about the science, he won’t know what you mean
He was just told to say it by the PR team
If you ask about the science, you’ll be dismayed
He’s just trotting out what Cummings told him to say

Put him on the spot about Exercise Cygnus
Put him on the spot about the spread of the sickness
Put him on the spot about the ventilator business
He’ll tell you he was following the science

Put him on the spot about the Cheltenham Festival
Or the number of tests that’s instantly forgettable
Put him on the spot about building sites as well
He’ll tell you he was following the science

Don’t ask about the science, he won’t know what you mean
He was just told to say it by the PR team
If you ask about the science, you’ll be dismayed
He’s just trotting out what Cummings told him to say

Put him on the spot about the gloves and gowns
Put him on the spot about the London Underground
Put him on the spot about bus drivers gone down
He’ll tell he was following the science

Put him on the spot about the care home staff
Put him on the spot about the state of the graph
Put him on the spot about his boss having a laugh
He’ll tell you he was following the science

Don’t ask about the science, he won’t know what you mean
He was just told to say it by the PR team
If you ask about the science, you’ll be dismayed
He’s just trotting out what Cummings told him to say

Put him on the spot about the gloves and gowns
Put him on the spot about the start of the lockdown
Put him on the spot because his boss is a clown
He’ll tell you he was following the science

(Untitled – 14th April 2020)

Therese Coffey
Says there’s loads of PPE.
She doesn’t understand why lots of doctors disagree.

While Eamonn Holmes on ITV,
Ridiculously,
Won’t rule out 5G.

And if they’re not culling the herd
But flattening the curve,
Why are the real figures not preferred?

Because it turns out care home deaths don’t count.
So, what really is the full amount?
What’s paramount?
Public relations, public health or a profit and loss account?

What Did You Do in the Lockdown, Dad?

What did you do in the lockdown Dad?
Did your boss insist that you still came in?
Did they give you gloves and facemasks Dad?
Did they care you might catch COVID-19?
What did you do, what did you do?
What did you do, what did you do?

What did you do in the lockdown, Mum?
How bad was it in the hospital?
How did you do it without PPE, Mum?
Do you think the government cared at all?
What did you do, what did you do?
What did you do, what did you do?

What did you do in the lockdown Dad?
How scared were you when you got your score?
With your age and your conditions, Dad
Did you understand what they did that for?
What did you do, what did you do?
What did you do, what did you do?

What did you do in the lockdown, Mum?
Did you stay indoors? Did you stay on the sofa?
Is that when you got pregnant, Mum?
Is that why Dad calls me Corona?
What did you do, what did you do?
What did you do, what did you do?

What did you do in the lockdown, Dad?
Did you sneak a few mates round for a barbeque?
Did you have a beer and a laugh then, Dad?
Is that why the government blamed you?
What did you do, what did you do?
What did you do, what did you do?

What did you do in the lockdown, Mum?
Did you dust off your uniform and go back to service?
Did you have a row about staying at home?
Did the risks not make you nervous?
What did you do, what did you do?
What did you do, what did you do?

What did you do in the lockdown, Dad?
With your investment portfolio?
Did your hedge fund do alright then Dad?
Did the crisis help your money to grow?
What did you do, what did you do?
What did you do, what did you do?

Matt Hancock, what did you do?
Dominic Raab, what did you do?
Priti Patel, what did you do?
Boris Johnson, what did you do?

Priti Sorry

She’s sorry that you think that it’s a lot of people dying
She’s sorry that you think that the government aren’t trying
She’s sorry that you think that they’re not testing enough people
She’s sorry that you think that their response is pretty feeble

She’s sorry
Priti Sorry (Not sorry)

She’s sorry that you think that there’s too little PPE
She’s sorry that you think that it’s not much of an apology

She’s sorry, Priti Sorry (Not sorry)

She’s sorry that you think that the government could do better
She’s sorry that you didn’t like Boris Johnson’s letter
She’s sorry that you think that nurses shouldn’t be wearing bin bags
She’s sorry that you didn’t like her stint between the flags

She’s sorry
Priti Sorry (Not sorry)

She’s sorry that you think that there’s too little PPE
She’s sorry that you think that it’s not much of an apology

She’s sorry, Priti Sorry (Not sorry)

She’s sorry that you think they’re failing the frontline
She’s sorry that you think that they wasted too much time
She’s sorry that you don’t find her words conciliatory
She’s sorry that you don’t think she’s actually sorry

She’s sorry
Priti Sorry (Not sorry )

She’s sorry that you think that there’s too little PPE
She’s sorry that you think that it’s not much of an apology

She’s sorry, Priti Sorry (Not sorry)