Tag: poetry

The Government Pecking Order

While the prime minister is indisposed,
Here’s the government pecking order, disclosed:

It goes Johnson, Raab, Sunak and Patel.
So now we’ve got Raab, ‘cos Johnson is unwell.
And if Raab goes down, Sunak gets a spell.
And should Sunak lose his sense of smell,
Fourth on the list is Priti Patel

So whatever your position on the PM’s condition
(There’s little to applaud about his hospital admission
Save a salutary lesson about the virus’ transmission
And recognition of the position of the nurses and clinicians)
Michael Gove must ponder on his omission
From a list that doesn’t bode well:
Johnson, Raab, Sunak and Patel.

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Bog Roll v. Guns

The Brits are buying bog roll while the Yanks are buying guns
They’re shooting at each other while we’re wiping our bums
But you can’t kill the virus with a bullet from a gun
And it might make you cough but it don’t give you the runs
We’re two nations still divided by our common tongues
The Brits are buying bog roll while the Yanks are buying guns

 

bog roll v guns

 

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Nurses! Never Forget

By April, thiry-six thousand cases
And countless thousands more left untested
By April, over three thousand dead
A number that’s at least less contested
Among them, four doctors, but what’s worse is
The government forgot to count the nurses

Matt Hancock, in the weekly news round-up
Confident he’s got his numbers down
Until a question he did not expect
Reduces government minister to clown
Under his breath, the statistician curses
The government forgot to count the nurses

Each Thursday we gather on our doorsteps
With pots and pans and hands to give applause
For the selfless sacrifice and devotion
Of the real heroes of this cause
A chanted admonition in our verses
No government should ever forget the nurses

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Tell ‘Em We’ll Test ‘Em Tomorrow

Tell ‘em we’ll test ‘em tomorrow, Matt
Tell ‘em we’ll test ‘em tomorrow
Gove’s conferences fell quite flat, Matt
He won’t be a tough act to follow
And Boris promised ‘em millions, Matt
But he ain’t got much truth left to borrow
So tell ‘em we’ll test ‘em tomorrow

Tell ‘em we’ll test ‘em tomorrow Matt
Tell ‘em we’ll test ‘em tomorrow
The Mail are beginning to turn on us, Matt
And that’s hard for us Tories to swallow
Tell ‘em the Germans have got all tests, Matt
While our industry laid fallow
And tell ‘em well test ‘em tomorrow

Tell ‘em we’ll test ‘em tomorrow, Matt
Tell ‘em we’ll test ‘em tomorrow
We know that they’re needed right now, Matt
And so do the WHO
Tell ‘em there’s no point in blame, Matt
Do a cover up job for the shit show
And tell ‘em we’ll test ‘em tomorrow

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A Government Strategy Meeting

We need a better strategy Dom, said Boris
The messaging’s not going well
They’ve worked we didn’t do anything in February
We need the public under our spell

We need another Taking Back Control
We need another Get Brexit Done
What about that Levido fellow, Dom?
He’s good when spin needs to be spun

I might’ve messed it up Dom, said Boris
With that business about seeing my mother
Although Kinnock junior kinda got us out of trouble
It’s one blunder after another

Get the Vote Leave chaps in Dom, said Boris
Get us that Stephenson cove
With me and the Health Sec feverish and coughing
All we’ve got left is Gove

We need a better slogan Dom, said Boris
To cover up the mess we’ve made
Stay Home, Save Lives, Protect Our NHS?
See, that’s why you’re my favourite aide

The death toll’s rising Dom, said Boris
But your slogan’s a bit of a hit
Just keep the spin and the lies coming, Dom
And we might just get away with it.

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Tories Get Tests

Tories get tests
While the rest of us guess

The science suggests
That’s it’s for the best
The more that you test

And so, we protest
Our distress
And express
That NHS workers
Should all get the test

I must confess
It leaves me quite vexed
That Tories get tests
While the rest of us guess

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Shut Down the Sites

 

A fake lockdown for the fake self-employed
In the cracks between the government guidance
In the shadows, lobbying money deployed
As contractors look after their clients
Tube trains packed with construction workers
Denied their basic rights
It’s time to take matters seriously
It’s time to shut down the sites

The prime minister corrects his speech
He’s avoiding saying “must”
The position “if you can’t work from home” is reached
It’s unfair and unjust
That works canteens are full to bursting
Infection’s a throw of the dice
It’s time to take matters seriously
It’s time to shut down the sites

They shut all the non-essential shops
And places where the people go
But non-essential work’s not stopped
‘Cos they still need their cash to flow
Support for the economy
Versus workers’ right to life
It’s time to take matters seriously
It’s time to shut down the sites

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The Day the Penny Dropped

Doctors and nurses were queens and kings
The bins emptied by heroes
Post was delivered on angels’ wings
The day the penny dropped

Carers were worth their weight in gold
Teachers the new royalty
No school meal was undersold
The day the penny dropped

Kindness and respect were earned
On supermarket checkouts
And fake celebrity was spurned
The day the penny dropped

Three cheers for those who clean and build
And serve and feed and care
And no-one said the word “unskilled”
The day the penny dropped

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The List

C’mon Brits
It’s the spirit of the Blitz.
While the heroes do their bit
Here’s a list of the gits:

No sick pay at Wilko*, lay-offs at Sodhexo,
Tim Martin says that his staff can get a job at Tesco.
Libraries staying open right across academia
And Picturehouse sacked people who found out on social media.

So, c’mon Brits
It’s the spirit of the Blitz.
While the heroes do their bit
Here’s a list of the gits:

Hermes drivers isolating get twenty quid a day.
Giraffe staff use their annual leave or else they get no pay.
Aramark forced everyone into two week’s holiday
And Sports Direct’s still the worst employer in the UK.

So, c’mon Brits
It’s the spirit of the Blitz.
While the heroes do their bit
Here’s a list of the gits

JHoots pharmacy’s charging twenty quid for Calpol
And making staff take holiday was also Richard Branson’s call.
EasyJet stopped feeding theirs, but shareholders got paid
While holding out their hands for a bit of that state aid

So, c’mon Brits
It’s the spirit of the Blitz.
While the heroes do their bit
Here’s a list of the gits.

(This list, dear reader, I suspect is far from comprehensive.
The behaviour of some bosses is really quite offensive.
So, let me put it to you, clearly and concisely:
When this is over, spend your money ethically and wisely.)

(And stay out of ‘Spoons)

 

* They bowed to public pressure, eventually, and changed their minds.

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Nudge

 

Three cheers for the PM off the quiz show.
Covering our wages while on furlough.
But why didn’t he do it three weeks ago?
Instead mostly we just get nudge.
Nudge.

Three cheers for the PM off the quiz show
Who didn’t listen to the WHO.
We’re standing on the precipice, don’t you know?
And mostly we just get nudge.
Nudge.

Three cheers for the PM off the quiz show,
For shutting Bannatynes, the Rose, and Cargo.
But I read it first in the Metro
‘Cos mostly we just get nudge.
Nudge.

Nudge:
Makes you think that your neighbours are your judge.
Nudge:
Designed to make your opinion slightly budge.
Nudge:
Is Cumming’s tool but it’s used too much.
Nudge:
When you need leadership but just get fudge.

Three cheers for the PM of the shit show.
The cracks are appearing in the braggadocio.
The tube is as dangerous as the siege of Jericho.
Let the passengers off, or just nudge.
Nudge.

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