Tag: poetry

Johnson Has Washed His Hands

A beach packed with punters
Creates a major incident
Johnson has washed his hands

From rules to guidance
From cognisance to dissonance
Johnson has washed his hands

A COVID spike
In abattoirs and factories
Johnson has washed his hands

A dialled in parliament
On pound shop batteries
Johnson has washed his hands

Keir passed the soap
And held the towel
While Johnson washed his hands

A welcomed announcement
Despite its disavowal
Helped Johnson to wash his hands

Stay at home as much as you can
While visiting the shops as much as possible
Says Johnson has washed his hands

While the march back to Wetherspoons
Is seemingly unstoppable
Because Johnson has washed his hands

Confused about the guidance
Scared or simply bitter
Johnson has washed his hands

The scientists’ advice
Relegated to Twitter
Because Johnson has washed his hands

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Jason Gets the Call

Jason got the call.
Who is this?
Where did you get this number?
He wasn’t expecting this at all.
Joanna’s expression asked the question;
Dunno love, he shrugged.

They said “Sir, did you take a test?”
Jason said yes.

“You know you’ve had the virus”
Jason said yes
I’ve still got it I guess,
A bit of a temperature
A bit of a cough,
Joanna’s alright but I still feel off.
Why are you calling me today?
Am I OK?

“Sir, relax.
We just need to trace your contacts”

“Before we do can we ask
Sir, did you self-isolate?”
Sorry mate?
Did you mean I’d stayed at home?
Yes, 14 days
Like the guidance says
Yes, I stayed at home.
Not alone,
My wife is here
But her test was clear.

“Very good sir, we’re glad to hear.”

Before that, I went to work.

“Did you work from home?”

Well at first, but you see
The government opened up the economy.

“OK we see
So who was at work?”

Well, me
My boss, Brian, Gavin and Sharon
And..

“Sir did you stay two metres from ‘em?”

Well yes
And no I guess.
It’s work you see,
That’s not always easy.

“OK, We get the gist.
Can you make a list
Of everyone you worked with, then
We can get in touch with them.”

Well, I’m at home,
I don’t have everyone’s numbers in my phone.

“I see
Tell me where you work,
We’ll contact them directly.”

Jason obliged
But his list might be slightly compromised.
Joanna looked his way;
Jason looked away.

There’s something you should probably know
About me, about us.
She braced for the blow.
I went to work on the bus.

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What Dowden Didn’t Say Yesterday

Let’s talk about reasonably priced Tim Tams
Cos if we don’t, we’ll talk about the app.
Let’s talk about Aussies and boomerangs
Cos if we don’t we’ll talk about the app (it doesn’t work).

Let’s talk about the Premier League
Cos if we don’t, we’ll talk about the app.
They’re gonna show it on the BBC
While we’re not talking about the app (it doesn’t work).

Let’s talk about public toilets
Cos if we don’t we’ll talk about the app.
This press briefing’s almost pointless
If it’s not talking about the app (which doesn’t work).

Let’s talk about theatres and music
Cos if we don’t we’ll talk about the app.
We can’t use it but don’t want to lose it,
Like we’re happy to lose the app (it doesn’t work).

Dowden’s not got a lot to say
And nothing to say about the app.
A particularly dull press conference today
With nothing to say about the app (which doesn’t work).

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The Rights of Dogs

It’s a shorter briefing,
They are these days;
No scientists, ratings are down.
Jason’s convinced it’s deliberate.
“Nothing good to say
And they’re shit at saying it.”
Jason says.

Joanna’s just grateful that it’s over,
She doesn’t like the effect that it has on him.
She expected nothing but lies and avoidance
But it drives him mad.
“They’re politicians
What do you expect?”
Joanna says.

It’s got to the point
That they’re discussing public toilets,
Honestly the best question
That the press have got today.
“People are dying
And they’ve stopped being sorry.”
Jason says.

She sighs.
She’s just grateful he missed the early news.
Michael Gove:
“Nous défendons toujours les droits des chiens”
Dogs.
She misses her dog.
She doesn’t say it.

You learn less
Every time you tune in,
Their arrogance grows
As public interest wanes.
“Why don’t we go for a walk?
Or maybe just talk?”
Joanna says.

But there’s the press conference
Then there’s the analysis.
At least racist Farage
Ain’t on anymore.
“I’ll just listen to this bit
It might be important.”
Jason says.

It won’t be.
It hasn’t been for a while.
“Maybe tomorrow then.”
Joanna says.

 

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No More ‘Til September

No more ‘til September
A tacit overturning of policy
Without a blame of the science
Or a claim of the science
A victory won discreetly
By parents waging a quiet war
By simply ignoring the rule
By simply not sending their children to school

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More on Masks

Should I be wearing a mask?
We asked
In March
And April
And May,
And now they say yay.
Not just OK
But you must.
Nonplussed,
How can we trust
An instruction apparently so picayune
They thought that it could wait ‘til June?

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Untitled (3rd June 2020)

Outside a crowd is shouting about what it really means to be black.
Inside Rees-Mogg’s campaigning to get his voting traditions back.
(It’s a matter of priorities
And MPs with propensities
For higher risk of the disease
Are not one of his).
And how many of the inside crowd
No longer say the words out loud,
The traders and the bankers
Who were “All Lives Matter” wankers.
Who’s to be shamed
Into actual change?
When the most police stops for COVID-19
To slow spread in the community
Are of people who are BAME
While Dominic Cummings gets off scot-free.
A union jack in a profile picture
Guarantees a negative response.
Who cares if the UK’s sicker?
Or the spread is quicker?
The inequality slicker?
And thicker?
If that’s what the Tommylicker thinks he wants.
They might say
That we’ve come a long way
To make society better,
To ease the virus pressure.
(While ignoring the disease unfortunately
Affects black people disproportionately).
But the people and the science both know
That we’ve still got some way to go.

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Professor Jonathan Van-Tam

Van-Tam’s a football fan
It’s Boston United for the government’s man.
That’s why he helped them to decide
To allow you games of three-a-side.
He hopes it’ll help you to keep fit
If you don’t tear the pants out if it.

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A Daily Mail Poll

Did Cummings act responsibly
Legally, or with integrity?
70% of respondents disagree.
And 63% of answers back
Said that Johnson should’ve given him the sack,
While 66% of readers think it’s time
For Dominic Cummings to resign.

66% said he’s telling lies,
82% said he should apologise
And 78% surmise
That he didn’t drive to Barnard Castle to test his eyes.

Now, 70% of people polled agree
That it’s one rule for them and one for me.

Who expected condemnation on this scale
From the readership of the Daily Mail?

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Herd Immunity Cummings (Gets Caught Breaking the Rules)

Herd Immunity Cummings
Running all the way from Downing Street to Durham
Herd Immunity Coughing Cummings
With his wife and son, heading up the M1

Herd Immunity Cummings
Driving up the motorway thinks he’s got the virus
Like Mrs Herd Immunity Cummings
They both know they are breaking the guidance

Herd Immunity Cummings
King of the slogan, holds enormous sway
Herd Immunity Get Brexit Done Cummings
Got grassed up to Kuenssberg at the end of May

Herd Immunity Cummings
This time might just’ve got himself bitten
Perhaps Herd Immunity If He Lost His Job Cummings
Could Take Back Control and Pick For Britain.

cummings

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