The government have called in NERVTAG
The government have called in SAGE
The government have called in SPIB and SPIM
As the virus continues to rage
So when the government meet at COBRA
And tell us they’re calling in SHIELD
You’ll know they’ve really lost it
If they think Fury’s the real deal.
Jason woke up thinking about the virus. He realised that he went to bed every night and woke up every morning doing the same. His work, done almost exclusively from home, involved modifying his employer’s business in response to the virus and while he was doing it he’d be listening to radio phone-in shows which inevitably had only one topic of conversation: the virus.
Jason thought about Joanna. They seemed to be coping well with the sudden changes in theirs and the children’s lives, not like some couples that you read about when they start spending more time together in retirement. He wondered if she thought about the virus all the time too. He wondered if he should ask her.
Jason thought about wildlife. He’d seen the pictures of the Great Orme goats wandering freely around the empty streets of Llandudno and thought that the lockdown did at least bring some good news for them, the foxes not being chased, the grouse not being shot, and the news that work on a potential vaccine had gone straight to human trials without being tested on animals. He wondered if there were animals being born now who wouldn’t understand what the world is like when it’s full of humans.
Jason wondered if his problem wasn’t fear of the virus so much, although you heard some terrifying stories, but more the uncertainty. Would things ever go back to normal? What would the new normal be like? The old normal was far from perfect after all. How long would we be locked down for and could we all cope? The uncertainty was definitely being fed by government, representatives of whom flatly refused to speculate on the future during the increasingly cut-and-paste daily press briefings. The media accused the government of secrecy and incompetence, the government said they were following the science.
It was an easy cop out at the press conference, to deflect any difficult questions to a nearby scientist; Grant Shapps had even done it when asked about Donald Trump’s off the cuff question to his own advisers about injecting disinfectant into COVID patients’ lungs, but in truth the decision makers were the politicians not the scientists and rumours that the Prime Minister’s notorious political adviser, Dominic Cummings, was attending meetings of the scientific advisory group worried Jason.
He also worried that talk of following the science was never backed up with any reference to papers, or research, just to “science”; well other than the leaked Imperial College report that lead to a change in strategy when it revealed that 250,000 people might die if the government persisted in trying to build herd immunity. If Jason understood politics or science at all, then there should some scientific work on which this was all based and if there was, it should be accessible.
He wan’t wrong 1. What he found was a jumble of acronyms that would be just as at home in the Marvel universe: NERVTAG, SAGE, SPIM and SPIB and a mixture of scientific papers mostly epidemiology, and behavioural science reports that read more like editorials or opinion pieces than research. He found evidence that the government had always planned a lockdown of 8-13 weeks but also evidence supporting some of the things that they’d said. He wondered why the press weren’t holding more of this up to public scrutiny.
Jason realised that he had some reading to do.
1. Scientific Advisory Group for Emergencies (SAGE): Coronavirus (COVID-19) response
He’s used to selling you steak
He’s used to selling you real estate
He’s trying to make America great
Land of the free
Dr Trump v. the invisible killer
Dr Trump’s gonna kill it quicker
Dr Trump’s got all the medicine that you need
He’s got
Sunshine and disinfectant (He’s selling you)
Sunshine and disinfectant (He’s telling you)
Sunshine and disinfectant
For all your COVID needs
He’s used to selling the brand
There’s Trump labelled buildings throughout the land
He’s trying to make America grand
Land of the free
Dr Trump v. the invisible killer
Dr Trump’s gonna kill it quicker
Dr Trump’s got all the medicine that you need
He’s got
Sunshine and disinfectant (He’s selling you)
Sunshine and disinfectant (He’s telling you)
Sunshine and disinfectant
For all your COVID needs
Inject yourself with disinfectant
Take a dose of hydroxychloroquine
Give yourself a blast of UV light
To be free
Dr Trump’s v. the invisible killer
Dr Trump’s gonna kill it quicker
Dr Trumps got all the medicine that you need
He’s got
Sunshine and disinfectant (He’s selling you)
Sunshine and disinfectant (He’s telling you)
Sunshine and disinfectant
For all your COVID needs
Sunshine and disinfectant (He’s selling you)
Sunshine and disinfectant (He’s telling you)
Sunshine and disinfectant
For all your COVID needs
For all your COVID needs
St George is working in the hospital
Some days there’s little protection at all
If it weren’t so dangerous it’d be comical
It’s what he’s doing here
St George is working in the care home
Now that the residents are all alone
Providing care and comfort in the infected zone
That’s what he’s doing here
St George is tryin’ to be braver
St George is your neighbour
St George is unskilled labour
That’s the face of a patron saint
St George is working in the supermarket
He ain’t had a day off since it all started
Sorting the shelves and the trolley park
It’s what he’s doing here
St George is working emptying the bins
St George is working in the school kitchen
It’s your online shopping that George is drivin’
That’s what he’s doing here
St George is having to be braver
St George is your neighbour
St George is unskilled labour
That’s the face of a patron saint
St George ain’t gonna go to work today
There’s no urgency to have a dragon slayed
St George can claim 80% of his pay
That’s what he’s doing here
St George ain’t in the queue at B&Q
His old sword will work when he needs it to
He knows staying at home’s still a smart move
That’s what he’s doing here
St George is having to be braver
St George is your neighbour
St George is unskilled labour
That’s the face of a patron saint
Look in the faces of your carers and your cleaners
Your doctors and nurses, drivers and teachers
Trying to stay safe from the coughing and the fevers
That’s what he’s doing here
That’s what he’s doing here
St George is having to be braver
St George is your neighbour
St George is unskilled labour
That’s the face of a patron saint
Look in the faces of your carers and your cleaners
Your doctors and nurses, drivers and teachers
Trying to stay safe from the coughing and the fevers
That’s what he’s doing here
That’s what he’s doing here
Donald Trump is threatening to shoot Iranian ships
To drive up, we suspect, the oil price a bit
While supporting protesters rights
Against all medical advice
To let the virus just transmit
So long as they are not the ones to actually get it.
Meanwhile back home in the UK
We did eighteen thousand tests today.
A fair way short, granted
Of Hancock’s end of month hundred thousand target
And a vaccine is still months or years away
But still
B&Q is re-opening today.
There’s a potential hero in this story
Goes by the name of ChAdOx1
They’re building it in an Oxford laboratory
But the work is not yet done
From Saudi to the British Isles
They’re skipping straight to human trials
It sounds like a bit of good news
For the bunnies, the beagles and you
Fighting the fight against COVID-19
Looking for volunteers for this scheme
Despite what Nick Ferrari thinks
They’re not guinea pigs
But from Saudi to the British Isles
They’re skipping straight to human trials
It sounds like a bit of good news
For the bunnies, the beagles and you
They’re setting aside market obligation
For a bit of international cooperation
Developing vaccine with alacrity
The seed stock’s heading out to Italy
From Saudi to the British Isles
They’re skipping straight to human trials
It sounds like a bit of good news
(Of which Carrie Symonds would approve)
For the bunnies, the beagles and you
Zorro, The Lone Ranger
The Phantom of the Opera, Darth Vader
Batman, but Batgirl’s is better
Wolverine, V for Vendetta
Optimus Prime and Leatherface
Stanley Ipkiss’ is pretty ace
Should I be wearing a mask?
Zorro, The Lone Ranger
The Phantom of the Opera, Darth Vader
Batman, but Batgirl’s is better
Wolverine, V for Vendetta
Optimus Prime and Leatherface
Stanley Ipkiss’ is pretty ace
Should I be wearing a mask?
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Raphael’s red, Donatello’s is purple
Leonardo, Michelangelo
The Green Hornet and Cato too
Mexican wrestlers, Wonder Woman
Spiderman could but Peter Parker couldn’t
Should I be wearing a mask?
Zorro, The Lone Ranger
The Phantom of the Opera, Darth Vader
Batman, but Batgirl’s is better
Wolverine, V for Vendetta
Optimus Prime and Leatherface
Stanley Ipkiss’ is pretty ace
Should I be wearing a mask?
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Raphael’s red, Donatello’s is purple
Leonardo, Michelangelo
The Green Hornet and Cato too
Mexican wrestlers, Wonder Woman
Spiderman could but Peter Parker couldn’t
Should I be wearing a mask?
Catwoman, Doctor Doom
Hannibal Lector, Ghostface too
Phillipe of Gascony, the Jigsaw Killer
But not Michael Jackson in Thriller
Captain America, The Flash
And highwaymen wore them for cash
Should I be wearing a mask?
Should I be wearing a mask?
Dead heroes are no use to anyone
But let’s be clear:
No one deliberately denied them what they need,
They just weren’t competent enough foresee
That it’ll happen here if it’s happening next door
And we don’t make our own stuff here anymore.
Dead heroes are no use to anyone
But let’s be clear:
They frequently turned a deaf ear
To talk of contingency planning
But they employ a great sloganeer
And you can all see it happening:
A failing government labelling you a hero
Because they’re getting it into the public’s head
Before they have to tell them that you’re dead.
But let’s be clear,
Dead heroes are no use to anyone.
You join us on another splendid Anfield evening, ringing to the sound of You’ll Never Walk Alone and anticipating the return of Jordan Henderson to first team football. Tomorrow the World Health Organisation, in response to 20,000 cases and over 1,000 deaths, will declare a pandemic in Europe but tonight it’s the visitors Atletico Madrid who get us underway.
Costa drags an early shot wide but then it’s all Liverpool, pressing high up the pitch and looking aggressive and sharp as Oxlade-Chamberlain forces a fine save from Oblak, in goal for Atletico. We’re joined tonight by 3,000 visiting fans from Madrid even though gatherings of over a thousand have already been banned in Spain. Here in the UK, it’s government’s view that shutting down major sporting events will only have a minimal effect.
Oblak again! The Slovenian keeper is really earning his money tonight, somehow getting his hand to the ball after Firmino touched on a wicked Alexander-Arnold cross. Nearly half the coronavirus cases in Spain are currently in Madrid but the fans here clearly haven’t been let down by their team’s defence.
Finally, Liverpool turn all that pressure into a goal. Another peach of a cross from Oxlade-Chamberlain headed home by Wijnaldum from 12 yards out. That puts the fixture all-square with Liverpool one down after the first leg. There are only twelve confirmed coronavirus cases in Merseyside tonight and it’s all to play for.
Half-time: Liverpool 1-0 Atletico Madrid.
We’re back underway. No changes in the break other than weather as the rain is now bucketing down. The day after tomorrow, the Premiership will suspend all fixtures, followed by the EFL a few days later.
It’s still all about the Atletico keeper: a fine save from a Mane volley that was ruled offside anyway and then another as Oxlade-Chamberlain fizzes in an effort of his own. Oblak really is on fire, and he needs to be. In just under a week EUFA will postpone Euro 2020 for a year.
Twenty-five minutes to go here and despite their best efforts Liverpool can’t seem to score. Llorente has replaced Costa for Atletico, but is it time for some fresh legs from the Liverpool bench? It looks like they’ve lost momentum in the last five minutes. It’s close, not like Atalanta v. Valencia three weeks ago which the mayor of Bergamo described as “a biological bomb”.
He’s hit the bar! A deflection from a Salah shot looped up into the box but Robertson’s subsequent header smashed off the woodwork. What have Liverpool got to do to make an impact? It’s like Matt Hancock said earlier today: “Sometimes the things that we, as lay people, may feel intuitively will have the biggest impact do not in fact have the biggest impact. There are some things that feel right but do not have an impact at all.” Just like Liverpool’s attack.
Full time: Liverpool 1-0 Atletico Madrid, and we’re headed for extra-time, ironically the one thing The Global Health Institute told us we didn’t have.
Here we go again, and this could yet go to penalties. But wait! A goal! Firmino’s header hits the post but he’s able to tap the rebound home. Liverpool are on the up and despite the Premiership taking matters into their own hands, Sir Patrick Vallance will tell the daily press briefing that banning mass gatherings is not a priority.
Oh no! That’s a terrible error from the Liverpool keeper as his routine clearance goes straight to Felix who lays it off for Llorente to slot home. The visitors will go through on the away goal rule as it stands, but it’s still another five days until the government will advise against large-scale events.
Another sucker punch. Llorente slots home his second and that really could be it for Liverpool as we approach half time in extra time. It’s going to take a huge 15 minutes from the holders now. You’ve got to wonder if this match should have gone ahead at all.
It’s all too late for the champions, sadly, they’ve clearly run out of steam as Morata runs half the length of the pitch to slot home past Adrian to put the icing on the cake for the visitors. It’ll turn out to be the last big football match to be played in England for some time.
Full time: Liverpool 2-3 Atletico Madrid, and by 15th April nearly 3,000 people in Merseyside will have tested positive for COVID-19 and 448 of them will have died, including Liverpool superfan Nick Burrows and Hillsborough survivor Dave Roland.
The news from Necker Island isn’t good
Mr Branson’s still not in a very good mood
In this time of global crisis
And plummeting global airline prices
He wants to spend our money, not his own
Mr Branson really doesn’t want to pay
But he’s the seventh richest person in the UK
The news from Necker Island isn’t good
Mr Branson thinks he’s been misunderstood
He wants to place his staff on furlough
But pay their wages with our dough
He wants to spend our money, not his own
Mr Branson really doesn’t want to pay
But he’s the seventh richest person in the UK
The news from Necker Island isn’t good
It’s a lovely place to visit if you could
It’s a place to wash your conscience clean
It’s a place with a zero-tax regime
It’s the place that Branson’s money calls his home
Mr Branson really doesn’t want to pay
But he’s the seventh richest person in the UK
The news from Necker Island isn’t good
It’s a lovely place to visit if you could
It’s a place to wash your conscience clean
It’s a place with a zero-tax regime
It’s the place that Branson’s tax-free money
It’s the place that Branson’s tax-free money
It’s the place that Branson’s tax-free money
Calls home
