We breathe it out, plants breathe it in,
It’s the bubbles in your Tizer.
Carbon dioxide, CO2,
The uses might surprise ya,
Like suffocating pigs and chickens
Before the slaughterhouse knife,
Or modified atmosphere packaging
To make old leaves look nice.
Spaffer’s running out of gas,
Literally and metaphorically,
As Uncle Sam says “Sorry, my man,”
And we face a new fuel poverty.
Now he ain’t got the bubbles to push lager into glasses
Or the heating kind that comes from cows arses,
‘Cos the fertiliser factories get all funny
When they think they won’t make any money.
We breathe it out, plants breathe it in
It’s the bubbles in your Stella Artois
There used to be far too much of it
And campaigns to give up a touch of it
Now there ain’t even enough it,
It’s bizarre.
Category: poetry
Politics For People Who Don’t Do Politics
There’s politics for people who do politics
And politics for people who don’t do politics,
And the politics for people who don’t do politics
Hides behind the politics for people who do politics
Who say “You all need to understand the politics”
To people who say “It’s all the same, the politics”
While the politics is laughing in their face,
And ripping off their money to give it to their mates
Who are having a great time riding rockets into space.
Meanwhile, the politics for people who do politics
Gets all excited by the kerfuffle
Of a cabinet reshuffle,
While the people who don’t do politics exclaim
“It doesn’t matter they’re all the same.”
And they might just have a point.
Because while the people who do politics scream
“Oh no, Nadine”, or even Nadhim,
The politics for people who don’t do politics
Has them on their knees,
Fails to manage the disease,
Increases taxes by degrees,
Is killing off the bees,
Says daft things about cheese,
And wants to go to war with the Chinese.
So, the people who do politics
Should understand the politics for people who do politics
Puts off the people who don’t do politics
From the politics for people that don’t do politics
That’s doing them.
Nikki Minaj’s Cousin’s Friend’s Testicles
Nikki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s testicles
Swole up from the vaccine she claims
And his bride-to-be glum
With the size of his plums
Shot down their wedding in flames
Nikki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s testicles
Shining stars of her anti-vax Tweets
As they increased in size
Oversaw the demise
Of his prowess between the sheets
Nikki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s testicles
His poor swollen Castor and Pollux
But Professor Chris
When asked about this
Said it’s all undoubtedly bollocks
You Can’t Take a Chicken By Surprise
You can’t take a chicken by surprise, James
You can’t take a chicken by surprise
Nick don’t care how it dies
Nick just likes chicken pies
And you can’t take a chicken by surprise
You can’t eat your burger in peace, James
You can’t eat your burger in peace
Although Nick loves the grease
Of the recently deceased
You can’t eat your burger in peace
You can’t take your mother to the vets, Ed
You can’t take your mother to the vets
They might be great with pets
But the BMA regrets
That you can’t take your mother to the vets
You can’t take a chicken by surprise, James
You can’t take a chicken by surprise
You might deny their demise
As food supply compromise
But you can’t take a chicken by surprise
If you were listening to LBC today, you may have heard James O’Brien’s, admittedly unfinished, debate about the relative sentience of cows and chickens as justification for the various methods of their slaughter for food. Earlier, Nick Ferrari was comfortable not really caring how the chicken died so long as he could eat it.
Later on, the conversation in Eddie Mair’s show turned to assisted dying with a caller bemoaning that we treat terminally ill humans worse than we treat their pets.
Maybe someone should tell the chickens.
Father Michael
Father Michael only liked liturgical music
But he never shot a folk singer in the head
Even when atheist lyric and rhyme
Where enough to make a man of god see red.
Meanwhile north of Kabul,
The Taliban
Shot an Afghan man
For singing songs they consider haram.
Father Michael only liked liturgical music
And insisted it was on the curriculum
But at least he wanted girls as well as boys
To understand the music of Christendom.
Meanwhile in the USA,
The Texas pro-lifers, they say
Are hitting women’s rights harder than
That other mob in Afghanistan.
Father Michael only like liturgical music
But he thought shooting folk singers was a sin.
He never pronounced on the war on terror
I suspect it was never expected of him,
But on the issue of abortion
He’d have exercised some caution
And while decrying the Afghan Taliban coup
Would wonder when the Texans would start shooting folk singers too.
The War on Terror
The Colonel’s run out of chickens
And Ronald’s run out of shakes
Joe’s run away from the War On Terror
Without admitting anyone’s mistakes.
Now the media’s full of armchair experts
And actual experts like Professor Glees
(Although not an expert on the Middle East)
Talking like Forever War high priests.
Because the quickest way to transfer money
From public purse to shareholder value
Is to start a war in a foreign country
And tell ‘em you’re installing democracy too,
Then roll your eyes and blame ISIS
For the inevitable refugee crisis.
Don’t forget that Ben Wallace, MP
Was the overseas director of an arms company
And Blair’s advice never comes for free
With his current interests in the UAE.
From a botched Libyan intervention
To WMD’s we never mention
The war on a concept’s turned a pretty penny
For the few at the expense of the very many.
But now the Colonel’s run out of chickens
And Ronald’s run out of shakes
Joe’s run away from the War On Terror
And the mess an imperialist adventure makes.
Euro 2020
A beaming Kier Starmer is beamed into our homes
Wearing an England top stitched by children in export processing zones,
And who’s that posing by an England flag? Why it’s Owen Jones.
It’s amazing what winning and taking the knee can do,
Even Priti’s forgotten that she’d rather boo
And that seems to go for her boss too
With his England shirt worn over his clothes.
Keep the politicians out of football, but not the politics,
‘Cos it’s hard not to love a team that’s anti-racist
And not afraid to make the boo boys face it.
Who’ll speak truth to power and use their position
Like Marcus, leader of the opposition,
Got Spaffer to cough up on child nutrition.
If there’s a righteous pass then they’re gonna chase it.
So, Lee Anderson can go unpack a box
And take that wanker with him, Laurence Fox.
In fact, all the politician bandwagon jumpers
Who would never normally know their Arse from their Spurs
Or their O’s from their Bees
Can watch at home on TV
While our players take the knee,
Because just sticking to football ain’t the aim
And Black Lives Matter in the People’s Game.
Cyanide Sid Cooper
He’d punch his opponent
Though punching weren’t allowed
He’d wind up the ref
And he’d wind up the crowd
In his black leotard that only had one strap
You knew you were in for a bit of a scrap
Because his wrestling shenanigans should’ve got him banned
And God help you if you tried to shake his outstretched hand
‘Cos dirty Sid came from Dirty Leeds
Filling your Saturday teatime with dirty deeds
Picking up public warnings for fun
He’d often find himself undone
By two falls, two submissions or a knockout
‘Cos rules really weren’t what he was about
But now it’s goodnight grapple fans from Cyanide Sid
At the end of a heel’s life well lived
With a twisted smile as he’d twist a limb.
If only Spaffer were as honest as him
Pandemic Posts, Songs and Poems: The Full List
- Quarantine the Queen
- Cull the Herd
- A Period of Great Concern
- Bog Roll Billionaire
- Nudge
- The Lockdown
- Mother’s Day in the Johnson House
- Lockdown Limbo
- The List
- The Day the Penny Dropped
- Charlie’s Got the Virus
- Shut Down the Sites
- Mild Symptoms
- Tories Get Tests
- Dominic Ran Away
- A Government Strategy Meeting
- The Lockdown, Week Two
- Fly ‘Em Home
- Goats!
- Tell ‘Em We’ll Test ‘Em Tomorrow
- Nurses! Never Forget
- 59 Billionaires
- Bog Roll v. Guns
- Just Another Day in Quarantine
- He’s Going in for Tests
- The Lockdown, Week Three
- Pirate President Trump
- The Government Pecking Order
- Who Cares What Nigel Farage Says?
- Priti Patel
- Robert Jenrick
- He is Risen
- Jacob’s Making Money
- Priti Sorry
- What Did You Do in the Lockdown, Dad?
- Untitled (14th April 2020)
- Put Him on the Spot
- Matt Hancock’s Badge
- Today’s Press Conference: It’s Working
- Matt Hancock’s Magic Wand
- Captain Tom (Better Keep Walking)
- Quietly Terrified
- Boris Bunks Off
- News From Necker Island
- Dead Heroes Are No Use to Anyone
- Liverpool 2-3 Atletico Madrid
- Should I Be Wearing a Mask?
- The Bunnies, the Beagles, and You
- B&Q
- St. George’s Day 2020
- Sunshine and Disinfectant
- Jason and the Virus
- Corona Universe
- The Prime Minister Prepares to Return to Work
- Holding Your Breath
- Sixty Thousand Pounds
- Daily Press Briefing, 28th April 2020 (Matt Hancock)
- Baby Boris is Born
- Spaffer Fixes Bayonets
- Rachel on the Radio
- What’s Gonna Happen When the Clapping Stops?
- Are You Ready?
- The Sickest Man in Europe
- Professor Lockdown
- Matt Hancock’s NHS
- VE Day
- This is England
- Shut Up
- A New Slogan
- Too Little, and Just Not Enough
- Heigh-Ho
- Britain First Want Their Virus Back
- Daily Mail: Let Our Teachers Be Heroes
- Work Is Safe (Tell ‘Em)
- Where Is Mr. Johnson?
- Has Anybody Checked the Fridge?
- When Tories Clap
- Five Tests
- World Beating
- Swimming With Sharks
- Herd Immunity Cummings (Gets Caught Breaking the Rules)
- Dominic Ran Away (Again)
- 22 Days (Of Dither and Delay)
- A Daily Mail Poll
- Hey, Dido!
- Barbeque Season
- On Not Following the Science
- Professor Jonathan Van-Tam
- Derek
- Untitled (3rd June 2020)
- More on Masks
- Here’s the New Normal
- No More ‘Til September
- Another Day, Another Press Conference
- Iain Duncan Smith/Trail of Bodies
- A Statue of Boris Johnson
- The Rights of Dogs
- What Dowden Didn’t Say Yesterday
- Farmer Dom
- Trust
- Derek and the Germans
- Jason Gets the Call
- Johnson Has Washed His Hands
- Patient 91
- The Lockdown, Part Four
- Super Spreader Saturday
- Spaghetti Bolognese (A Very English Tea)
- Coronavirus 1-0 Bolsonaro
- My COVID Discount
- Should I Be Wearing a Mask? (You Had to Ask)
- A Masked Man Walks Into a Bar
- Should I Be Wearing a Mask? (July)
- Derek Won’t Wear a Mask
- Cassie Sunshine (Is Wearing a G-String on Her Face)
- Chingford to Oxford Circus via Walthamstow Central
- Don’t Cough Over Your Cat
- (Living Life on the Lookout For) A Second Wave
- Local Lockdowns, Part One
- Ayanda Capital
- They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?
- A Man With a Fascist Flag
- Should I Be Wearing a Mask? Part Six
- Untitled (7th September 2020)
- Has Hancock Lost Control?
- Ferrari’s Furlough Fraudsters
- The Under 21’s
- Operation Moonshot
- Tofu Bats and Tofu Pangolins
- The Rule of Six
- Ian, Noel and ‘Van
- Leyton Orient 0-19 COVID
- Facemasks at Half Mast
- Rishi Sunak (We Know a Song About You)
- Hands, Face, Pasty
- Will it End in Tiers?
- The Children of the First XV
- (Whatever Happened To) Jason and Joanna?
- This Ship is Lost at Sea
- Tear Down the Fence
- From World-Beating to Scraping the Play-Offs
- Cummings, Cain and Princess Nut-Nut
- Christmas Bubble Trouble
- On Substantiality and Scotch Eggs
- Williamson v. Ferrari: Brexit Gambit Declined
- Christmas With the Vulnerables
- An Eyeful of Nose
- Behave as if You Have the Virus
- The Golden-Haired Boy
- ‘Tis the Season to be Jolly Careful
- Right Bullets, Wrong Gun
- My Postie’s Being Bullied by Iain Duncan Smith
- According to Paul
- Jacob’s Fish are Happy Fish
- Cough Away
- Maxine and Henry
- A Million Pounds a Day
- One Zero Zero, Zero Zero Zero
- The Tory Party Donor Money-Go-Round
- Free Stuff Jesus
- Keith Likes It
- 3-0 Up
- Clap a Tory, Pay a Nurse
- A Trip to Mars
- Jason and Joanna: Vaccine Wars
- A Minute’s Silence
- Capitalism and Greed
- Respect
- Spaffed
- Colin the COVID Cat
- Let the Bodies Pile High
- For Hug’s Sake
- The State of the Opening of Parliament
- Kick It ‘Til It Breaks
- Hancock, the Care Home Killer
- Killing People’s Okay, But Kissing Them Isn’t
- Today, I’m Singing
- Nikki Minaj’s Cousin’s Friend’s Testicles
- Oh, Micron!
- Barbara’s on the Radio
- Plan B
- Dead Cats, Reverse Ferrets
- The Day They Cancelled Christmas
- Dear Mr. Johnson
- Sue Gray
- Operation Save Big Dog
- Spaffer Bodycount
- Whose Rules?
- Investigation Into Alleged Gatherings On Government Premises During Covid Restrictions – Update
- When Is It Over?
- Stealth Omicron
- The King of Lockdown
Hancock, the Care Home Killer
Hancock, the Care Home Killer
Says he’s saving lives
While Barnard Castle Cummings
Is sharpening his knives
To no avail, as nothing sticks
To the Teflon Tory
Who’s taken his tricks
To Westminster Cathedral, no less
To marry number three, Carrie
(I hear you’re a Catholic now, father)
But, I digress
Hancock, the Care Home Killer
Who connived
To send the virus into care homes
But said that he was saving lives
Continues to tell lies
As Cummings’ evidence provides
So when all this is over, don’t forget
Even as the statue of Boris Johnson’s getting wet
That the ministerial hand upon that tiller
Belonged to Hancock, the Care Home Killer
Steve White & The Protest Family 