Heigh-Ho

We turned on our morning radio show
To hear the traffic was running slow
We really didn’t want to go
On the day Johnson that cried “Heigh-Ho”

There’s a one-way system but the canteen’s shut
And social distancing on site’s full of “but”
Who’s ill here? We don’t want to know
On the day that Johnson cried “Heigh-Ho”

Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho the many for the few
Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho not them but me and you

You should cover your face to get the bus
But it looks like that might be just us
The tube is elbow to elbow
On the day that Johnson cried “Heigh-Ho”

The Commons floor is covered in tape
They’re dialling in to their debates
That’s not an option for many though
On the day that Johnson cried “Heigh-Ho”

Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho the many for the few
Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho not them but me and you

There’s problems at the Blackwall Tunnel
There’s problems on the A13
There’s problems at Canning Town station
We hear police are on the scene

Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho the many for the few
Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho not them but me and you

Life under the curve suggests
That we might not be halfway yet
The numbers are gonna continue grow
On the day that Johnson cried “Heigh-Ho”

Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho the many for the few
Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho not them but me and you

The Sickest Man in Europe

The sickest man in Europe
Won two world wars and one world cup
The sickest man in Europe
Didn’t want to mess the economy up
The sickest man in Europe’s
Looking forward to VE day
The sickest man in Europe’s
Hearing how many died today

The sickest man in Europe
Is following the science
Thinks it’s untainted
By political bias
The sickest man in Europe
Is following the science
Loves respect
and minute’s silence

The sickest man in Europe’s
Hearing how many died today
The sickest man in Europe’s
Looking forward to VE day

What’s Going to Happen When the Clapping Stops?

You can talk about a target that turned into a boast
You can talk about a test kit that’s still in the post
You can talk about them not controlling the disease
You can talk about them not controlling the economy

You can talk about the hairdressers, talk about the shops
But has anybody thought about
Is anybody talking about
What’s going to happen when the clapping stops?

You can talk about flattening or fattening the curve
You can talk about typically medical reserve
You can talk about passing at least the first peak
You can talk about avoiding media critique

You can talk about the hairdressers, talk about the shops
But has anybody thought about
Is anybody talking about
What’s going to happen when the clapping stops?

You can talk about maybe easing the lockdown
You can talk about the circus that was missing its clown
You can talk about sending the kids back to school
You can talk about suspending the two-metre rule

You can talk about the hairdressers, talk about the shops
But has anybody thought about
Is anybody talking about
What’s going to happen when the clapping stops?

You can talk about your temperature getting on the tube
You can talk about your fellow passenger being true
You can talk about publishing an exit strategy
You can talk about doing it without a vaccine

You can talk about the hairdressers, talk about the shops
But has anybody thought about
Is anybody talking about
What’s going to happen when the clapping stops?

St. George’s Day 2020

St George is working in the hospital
Some days there’s little protection at all
If it weren’t so dangerous it’d be comical
It’s what he’s doing here

St George is working in the care home
Now that the residents are all alone
Providing care and comfort in the infected zone
That’s what he’s doing here

St George is tryin’ to be braver
St George is your neighbour
St George is unskilled labour
That’s the face of a patron saint

St George is working in the supermarket
He ain’t had a day off since it all started
Sorting the shelves and the trolley park
It’s what he’s doing here

St George is working emptying the bins
St George is working in the school kitchen
It’s your online shopping that George is drivin’
That’s what he’s doing here

St George is having to be braver
St George is your neighbour
St George is unskilled labour
That’s the face of a patron saint

St George ain’t gonna go to work today
There’s no urgency to have a dragon slayed
St George can claim 80% of his pay
That’s what he’s doing here

St George ain’t in the queue at B&Q
His old sword will work when he needs it to
He knows staying at home’s still a smart move
That’s what he’s doing here

St George is having to be braver
St George is your neighbour
St George is unskilled labour
That’s the face of a patron saint

Look in the faces of your carers and your cleaners
Your doctors and nurses, drivers and teachers
Trying to stay safe from the coughing and the fevers
That’s what he’s doing here
That’s what he’s doing here

St George is having to be braver
St George is your neighbour
St George is unskilled labour
That’s the face of a patron saint

Look in the faces of your carers and your cleaners
Your doctors and nurses, drivers and teachers
Trying to stay safe from the coughing and the fevers
That’s what he’s doing here
That’s what he’s doing here

B&Q

Donald Trump is threatening to shoot Iranian ships
To drive up, we suspect, the oil price a bit
While supporting protesters rights
Against all medical advice
To let the virus just transmit
So long as they are not the ones to actually get it.

Meanwhile back home in the UK
We did eighteen thousand tests today.
A fair way short, granted
Of Hancock’s end of month hundred thousand target
And a vaccine is still months or years away
But still
B&Q is re-opening today.

What Did You Do in the Lockdown, Dad?

What did you do in the lockdown Dad?
Did your boss insist that you still came in?
Did they give you gloves and facemasks Dad?
Did they care you might catch COVID-19?
What did you do, what did you do?
What did you do, what did you do?

What did you do in the lockdown, Mum?
How bad was it in the hospital?
How did you do it without PPE, Mum?
Do you think the government cared at all?
What did you do, what did you do?
What did you do, what did you do?

What did you do in the lockdown Dad?
How scared were you when you got your score?
With your age and your conditions, Dad
Did you understand what they did that for?
What did you do, what did you do?
What did you do, what did you do?

What did you do in the lockdown, Mum?
Did you stay indoors? Did you stay on the sofa?
Is that when you got pregnant, Mum?
Is that why Dad calls me Corona?
What did you do, what did you do?
What did you do, what did you do?

What did you do in the lockdown, Dad?
Did you sneak a few mates round for a barbeque?
Did you have a beer and a laugh then, Dad?
Is that why the government blamed you?
What did you do, what did you do?
What did you do, what did you do?

What did you do in the lockdown, Mum?
Did you dust off your uniform and go back to service?
Did you have a row about staying at home?
Did the risks not make you nervous?
What did you do, what did you do?
What did you do, what did you do?

What did you do in the lockdown, Dad?
With your investment portfolio?
Did your hedge fund do alright then Dad?
Did the crisis help your money to grow?
What did you do, what did you do?
What did you do, what did you do?

Matt Hancock, what did you do?
Dominic Raab, what did you do?
Priti Patel, what did you do?
Boris Johnson, what did you do?

Robert Jenrick

Wouldn’t you expect
The Housing Secretary
To have more than one house?
It must be very
Confusing
Which one you’re supposed to be in
When you told the rest of us
To be disciplined.

Wouldn’t you expect
The Housing Secretary
To have more than one house?
In fact, he has three:
One in town,
One in the country,
And one in his constituency.
So, when he said “don’t travel to your second home”
He left travel from your first to your third alone.

59 Billionaires

There’s 59 billionaires in this country
Are they standing up doing their bit?
While Hancock had a go at premiership stars
He let the real rich off with it

59 billionaires
59 billionaires
59 billionaires
59 billionaires

There’s 59 billionaires in this country
Between ‘em got a bob or two
So, in this hour of national crisis
What do you think that they’re up to?

Branson, he’s worth his own 5 billion
Held his hand out for seven more
Phil and Tina Green, retail king and queen
Shut the pension scheme at the store

Richard Desmond, from the gutter press
Is running scare stories in the Daily Express
And Dyson who took his firm over the border
Got himself a nice little government order

59 billionaires
59 billionaires
59 billionaires
59 billionaires

There’s 59 billionaires in this country
59 trough meets snout
59 billion doing quite nicely
And they’re just the ones that I know about

59 billionaires
59 billionaires
59 billionaires
59 billionaires

Fly ‘Em Home

They were on the beach when the border closed
The trip of a lifetime they supposed
Cut short when the lockdown
Was imposed

Can they get to the airport, get on a plane?
Someone official needs to explain
Someone official needs to help
To get’em home

Fly ‘em home, to a country that won’t test ‘em
Home, to a country that knows best, and
Home to a country, stressed
By captivity

Fly ‘em home to lousy isolation
Home, to a divided nation
Home, to friends, relations
That they can’t see

Masked and gloved the driver came
At the airport they were all dressed the same
Waiting for a flight
To the infected zone

Tuned in to the expert’s soothing words
And the journalist’s questions dodged, deferred
The death toll’s rising
But they’re going home

Fly ‘em home, to a country that won’t test ‘em
Home, to a country that knows best, and
Home to a country, stressed
By captivity

Fly ‘em home to lousy isolation
Home, to a divided nation
Home, to friends, relations
That they can’t see

The Lockdown, Week Two

lockdown 2

Week two of the lockdown brought no more certainty. It became clear that the rules of work had as much to do with protecting the economy as protecting the population. Businesses that involved face-to-face contact with the public, unless deemed essential, were closed, but if your job otherwise couldn’t be done from home, you still had to go to work, and building sites, call centres, warehouses all remained operational.

Chat show host, former radical and Liberal Democrat candidate, Maajid Nawaz, notorious for straw-manning callers that he disagreed with, broadcast, unchallenged, an economic expert who claimed that a six-point drop in GDP would kill more people than would be saved from the virus by closing their workplaces. Transport Minister, Grant Shapps echoed this sentiment in the Huffington Post. The tone was being set.

Elsewhere, trade union membership was rising. Construction workers, angered by the lack of social distancing on sites, the continued use of fingerprint scanners to clock in and out and the dangers of their journey to work on crammed underground trains, organised and started walking off sites. Blacklisted engineer Dave Smith was, as ever, on hand to offer sage advice and to amplify their campaigns with the hashtag #shutthesites.

The real scandal, though, was lack of testing for the virus unless, it appeared, you were rich or influential. Actor Idris Elba reported that he’d experienced no symptoms despite testing positive, while thousands of frontline NHS staff remained untested.

With the Prime Minister and Health Secretary both in isolation, Cabinet Office Minister and less accomplished liar, Michael Gove took centre stage at the daily government press conference. He told the nation that ten thousand tests had been conducted the previous day when the figure was less than eight thousand, and that the failure to conduct more tests was due to short stocks of the necessary reagents, a claim denied by the Chemical Industries Association. In the media, lack of lab time and lack of political will were also blamed. The doomed herd immunity strategy may not have been completely abandoned, as we learned that the Germans were conducting 70,000 tests per day.

And the morning news broadcasts told us that otherwise healthy 13-year old Ismail Mohamed Abdulwahab was now the youngest victim of the virus.