They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?

What’s the connection
Between the new head of the National Institute of Health Protection
(Set up in the middle of fighting the infection)
And the Secretary of State for Health and Social Care?
Is there something of which we should be aware?

Well, he’s MP for Newmarket and his campaign was endowed
With lots of money from the horseracing crowd,
While she’s on the board of the Jockey Club
And, ay, there’s the rub,
The Cheltenham Festival
Which you might recall
Went ahead when cancellation was the call
And infected a load of people.

And as head of app-less Test and Trace
(Which isn’t in world-beating first place)
Gave ten billion quid of public dough
To Serco, whose CEO
Is Rupert Soames
From one of the country’s most famous homes
And whose brother Nick, I quote
“Is a main investor in the Tote”.

While Randox, who sponsor Aintree,
Are another company
Awarded considerable public money
With very little scrutiny.
A hundred and thirty-three million pounds, in fact,
Is the value of their contract
For testing kits that didn’t work,
And worse
They pay an eight grand a month fee
For consultancy
To another Tory MP.

At Talk Talk she won the wooden spoon,
Which is coming to Dido’s Test and Trace soon
And she’s head of NHS Improvement as well
As this new role, can you hear the death knell?
Because her husband is on the board of 1828
Who called for PHE to meet its fate
And are advocates for a change in Britain
To an insurance-based healthcare system.

So who’s looking after your health today?
Because this lot shoot horses, don’t they?

Ayanda Capital

Welcome to the Ayanda family
Focussed on investment strategy
We specialise in trading currency
You see

Welcome to the Ayanda family
We specialise in offshore property
And private equity
But we’ve never bought any PPE

How can that be?

Welcome to Ayanda Capital
We’ve no PPE experience at all
But there’s 250 million quid on the table
Some haul

Welcome to Ayanda Capital
Kings of remaining profitable
There’s public money there for us to trawl
And a government advisor that we can give a call

The stakes ain’t small

Here’s Andrew Mills, he’s a member of our board
What he knows about facemasks ain’t been explored
But if there’s money to be made then rest assured
He’s on board

Here’s Andrew Mills our deal deviser
ProsperMills’ influence exerciser
And business advisor
To Liz Truss, Secretary of State, for International Trade

That’s how the deal was made

Now if you think that this ain’t corrupt
Then protest singers might as well give up
And turns out the masks ain’t even good enough
And that’s fucked up

The victims of COVID still regularly cop it
While folks like Ayanda are making a profit
Matt Hancock ain’t gonna do anything to stop it
So if you want to protect the NHS as well

Don’t lose your sense of smell

Local Lockdowns, Part One

Go back to your northern powerhouse homes
Unless you are going to the pub, which you should visit alone,
Or work, which you must not shirk.
No visiting family or friends
Unless, we guess, you work with them
But we say again:
No socialising in houses or gardens
No if’s or but’s or beg your pardon’s,
But if you’re one of the shielding folk
Your rights to help have been revoked
And you should come out, your race is run,
Just try not to come into contact with anyone.
Because Hancock, a politician
At home with confusion and contradiction
Accuses you of a lack of compliance
With his social distancing guidance
And has identified some high-risk zones
So go back to your northern powerhouse homes.

Trust

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Dominic to take a knee
Or any of the three with PPE

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Jacob not to take a nap
Or any of that world beating crap

You can’t trust anything they do or say
I never trusted Tories anyway

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Dominic with an eyetest
You can’t trust Priti in the slightest

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Rishi with the dinero
Or any of that world-beating crap

Ideology or incompetence, you choose
Whichever way your coin toss lands
It’s heads they win and tails you lose

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Michael with anything vital
Or any of that world-beating crap

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Gavin with your schools
You can’t trust this cabinet of fools

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Grant, you just can’t
And none of that world-beating crap

You can’t trust anything they do or say
I never trusted Tories anyway

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Michael with anything vital
Or any of that world-beating crap

Another Day, Another Press Conference

Can we have the first slide please?
It’s Hancock so it must be Thursday
But it could be Monday or Tuesday
It’s another day but the same disease

Can we have the first slide please?
This one shows lies, as you can see
It continues to rise, exponentially
It’s our one area of expertise

Can we have the first slide please?
It’s Hancock so it must be Thursday
But it could be Monday or Tuesday
It’s another day but the same disease

Can we have the next one please?
This one shows complacency
That we’ll display quite shamelessly
While easing the lockdown aimlessly

Can we have the first slide please?
It’s Hancock so it must be Thursday
But it could be Monday or Tuesday
It’s another day but the same disease

And here’s what the data tells us
With the scientists here to help us
It was business that compelled us
To let the virus overwhelm us

Can we have the final slide?
The one that shows how many died
The one that lacks the interventions
The one with all the unanswered questions

Can we have the first slide please?
It’s Hancock so it must be Thursday
But it could be Monday or Tuesday
It’s another day but the same disease

 

Swimming With Sharks

The scientists had a meeting
Away from SAGE and Cummings’ aides
We’re logical folk unaccustomed to cheating
But there’s some things we need to say

Did you hear Therese Coffey the other day
“If the advice was wrong, it’s ‘cos the science was wrong”
Colleagues that just isn’t OK
It’s time for us to start being strong

Swimming with sharks
We’re swimming with sharks
Swimming with sharks
We’re swimming with sharks

Not just her, they’re all the same
Hancock keeps saying he followed the science
Here it comes: The blame game
They’re going to claim innocent compliance

Swimming with sharks
We’re swimming with sharks
Swimming with sharks
We’re swimming with sharks

So, who here wants to take the blame
For the care home catastrophe?
Because it’s us they’ll happily defame
But it wasn’t you and it wasn’t me

Swimming with sharks
We’re swimming with sharks
Swimming with sharks
We’re swimming with sharks

We’re up against the spin machine
We’ll need a slogan to survive
One that won’t keep their hands clean
Here’s one we can try:

Scientists advise, politicians decide
Scientists advise, politicians decide
Scientists advise, politicians decide
Scientists advise, politicians decide

Swimming with sharks
We’re swimming with sharks
Swimming with sharks
We’re swimming with sharks

(Anyone got the number of a marine biologist?)

World-Beating

Our world-beating tests are world-beating late
And for our world-beating app there’s a world-beating wait.
At our world-beating briefing our world-beating experts say
That they world-beating didn’t need the app anyway.
Our world-beating Hancock says our world-beating track ‘n’ traces
Would work world-beating best with fewer world-beating cases
And our world-beating level’s nearly at a world-beating three
While we’ve given up talking about our world-beating PPE.

Meanwhile, world-beating Wednesday’s the new world-beating weekend
And all our world-beating punters have gone to world-beating Southend.

When Tories Clap

We’re going to clap you all the way to deportation
We’re going to clap you all the way to your NHS surcharge
We’re going to clap our stance of tough on immigration
‘Cos Priti and the Tories are in charge

We’re going to clap you all the way to the care home
We’re going to clap ourselves for our protective ring
We’re going to clap your opportunity to die alone
‘Cos Matt Hancock didn’t do a thing

This is what happens when Tories clap
This is what happens when Tories clap
This is what happens when Tories clap
Never forget

We’re going to clap you all the way to deportation
We’re going to clap the NHS that you helped to build
We’re going to clap our stance of tough on immigration
‘Cos Priti still reckons you’re unskilled

This is what happens when Tories clap
This is what happens when Tories clap
This is what happens when Tories clap
Never forget

We’re going to clap you all the way to privatisation
We’re going to clap our plans to test, track and trace
We’re going to clap our clever contract allocation
To Matt and Dominic’s bestest mates

This is what happens when Tories clap
This is what happens when Tories clap
This is what happens when Tories clap
(Remember nurses pay?)
Never forget

Hancock’s NHS

The people Hancock calls “Our NHS”
Are a litany of corporate interests.
For example, here’s a sample:
Deloitte, KPMG, Serco,
Palantir, Mitie, Sodhexo;
Providing PPE, testing, track and trace.
More wrong ‘uns than on Michael Gove’s bookcase.
So, heavy is the heart that understands
That we really are not safe in his hands.

gove books

Daily Press Briefing, 28th April 2020 (Matt Hancock)

Amanda from Hull asked a really good question.
She didn’t get an answer to it.
Sadie was told thanks for her question
And she’s just going to have to stick with it.
It’s working well, these questions from the public.

And back to the press.

Hugh Pym wants to know about PPE:
Thank you Hugh, it’s incredibly important to me.
We’re moving heaven and earth
To be more effective,
Your assessment isn’t fair and objective.
PPE availability’s confined
To the agreed guidelines.
There’s a global shortage too.
Thanks Hugh.

Paul Brand, can’t hear your audio.
Here he is: The crisis in the care sector? Have a heart!
Of course, they’ve been a priority from the start
But please
They’re the most vulnerable to the disease
We’ve strengthened the rules on infection control (eventually)
And made testing available (eventually)
We’re now publishing the daily data (eventually)
My principle is to be transparent
But the deaths are going up daily!
They’re a top priority.
Here’s an expert.

Nick Martin from Sky:
Care home deaths
Are at 23% of hospital deaths.
Not saying that this is normal,
The number of deaths in care homes about one sixth in total.
Its an absolute focus in broad context.
Make of that what you will.

Ben Kentish.

No wait a follow up: You didn’t do your best.
You knew this was a high-risk area
But no PPE or tests.
And deaths in care homes seemed to take you by surprise.
I think you should apologise.
I know you care a lot about this
But you’re being unreasonable.
We always knew about care homes
But getting the data was unfeasible.
They’ve been in the front of my mind from the start,
The age profile sets them apart,
People are more frail and more at risk so we’re discerning.
Its been a huge challenge but we’re constantly learning.
So, Nick Martin from Sky,
In this session,
I dispute your question
Here’s an expert.

Ben Kentish:
You’re following the science
But why no facemasks in public?
Should there be some compliance?
And should we be
Disinfecting deliveries?
Our position hasn’t changed
Because facemasks are weak science.
Handwashing is strong science
And easily arranged.
Here’s an expert.

Dominic Yeatman:
Why didn’t ministers
Tell care homes to ban visitors
At the same time as the hospitals
When there’s no difference in risk at all?
Collection of data is difficult
In ten thousand different organisations.
It was clinical advice
Because care homes have different expectations.

James Caven, Daily Star:
No sunbathing, but B&Q had a long queue.
What can you do and what can you not do?
And ventilator production scaled back;
Is there still a lack?
For clarity: Follow the rules, stay at home, protect the NHS.
Spare ventilators is good news, I suggest.
We’ll sell them to another country with high COVID incidence
And pay tribute to the ventilator challenge participants.

Chris Lloyd, Northern Echo:
There’s an uptick in the regions, definitely.
So, will you lift the lockdown together or separately?
And how will your help be applicable regionally?
I pay tribute to people of the north east for staying at home,
They’re very gregarious and don’t like being alone.
Economically,
Levelling up’s a top priority.
North east councils have money allocated
For fifty thousand businesses to be compensated.
Here’s an expert (on the shape of the curve).

Follow up question:
Will there be different times for easing?
We’re looking at it
But I don’t want to be teasing
Or give you false hope.
Because It’s not just the level, it’s the slope.
There could be a second peak wherever
So, we’ll do it together.

Adam Vaughan, New Scientist:
How many contact tracers have you got?
And how long until you’ve got the whole lot?
And as well as that.
What incentives are there to download the app?
Well as many as possible, as soon as possible.
That’s Not numerical, hypothetical or medical
I don’t know how many, and that’s crap
But they need to be in place in time for the app.
But never mind our procrastination,
We’ll tie downloading the app to the rules on isolation.

Well, it was great to see the New Scientist.
Your questions were terrific
And, um, scientific.
 
See you soon