Tag: COVID-19

Dead Cats, Reverse Ferrets

He’ll need an army of dead cats to get out of this one
Carrie’s got a baby and Wilfie’s only one
And all the press are saying is, “not another one”
He’ll need an army of dead cats to get out of this one

Dead cats, reverse ferrets
Dead cats, reverse ferrets

He’ll need an army of dead cats to get out of this one
Turns out there were loads while we weren’t allowed a one
And he’s running out of mates even at the Currant Bun
He’ll need an army of dead cats to get out of this one

Dead cats, reverse ferrets
Dead cats, reverse ferrets

He said it didn’t happen
But it happened that it happened
And it happens that we happen
To know that it happened

He said it didn’t happen
But it happened that it happened
And it happens that we happen
To know that it happened

He’ll need an army of dead cats to get out of this one
Carrie’s got a baby and Wilfie’s only one
And all the press are saying is, “not another one”
He’ll need an army of dead cats to get out of this one

Dead cats, reverse ferrets
Dead cats, reverse ferrets
Dead cats, reverse ferrets
Dead cats, reverse ferrets

by Categories: COVID-19, Lyrics, SteveTags: , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Plan B

Work from home if you can work from home
Unless there’s a secret Santa party.
You’ll need a Covid pass if there’s enough folk
But we’re still having Downing Street festives, aren’t we?
Cover your face in public venues
Unless you’re having cheese and wine
And a lateral flow test might suffice
But you were never there’s still the party line.
Rest assured that everyone follows the guidance
At all events that you deny ever happen
And double down in faux outrage
When you see the clip of Allegra Stratton.
Contacts are okay if they test every day,
The Emperor’s new clothes are plain to see:
Don’t do as I do, do as I say,
It’s the 8th day of Advent, here’s Plan B.

by Categories: COVID-19, poetry, SteveTags: , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Barbara’s on the Radio

Barbara says it’s none of Nick’s business
Barbara says it’s her personal choice
Barbara’s ringing up the radio
Barbara says both sides need a voice

Barbara’s annoyed that Santa got the vaccine
Barbara’s mad at Tesco’s Christmas ad
Barbara’s ringing up the radio
Barbara thinks that we’ve all been had

Barbara doesn’t wear a seatbelt
Barbara doesn’t always turn the lights on
Barbara’s ringing up the radio
Barbara thinks that the science is wrong

Barbara’s careful what she puts in her body
Barbara’s ringing up to have a go
Barbara’s a bacon-eating anti-vaxxer
And Barbara’s ringing up the radio

by Categories: COVID-19, poetry, SteveTags: , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Oh, Micron!

Not oh-my-cron, little o
But ommi-cron, I don’t know
Why it should be so, but
The alphabet deflects damnation
From the variant’s home nation
And nu could be confused with new
And xi could be confusing too,
But Johnson called it omnicron
And that is definitely wrong.

Meanwhile Coach JVT
Says we’re picking up injury
And a yellow card or three.
So, to avoid sending offs
With persistent coughs
He’s bringing on the booster shots
And masking up in all the shops
And trains and buses, at the stops
Unlike his cavalier boss.

But transport’s one thing
And shops are another
While pubs and restaurants
Don’t have to bother.
If it’s personal responsibility
What happens in hospitality
Ain’t the fault of their strategy.
“No sir, not us at all!”
When it’s all spaffed up the wall.

Now they’re bringing in the army,
Calling up the volunteers,
Rolling up their sleeves
Like antiviral engineers.
They haven’t cancelled Christmas
(That would be bad for business)
Although there have been whispers.
Not oh micron, but omicron
What could possibly go wrong?

by Categories: COVID-19, poetry, SteveTags: , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Nikki Minaj’s Cousin’s Friend’s Testicles

Nikki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s testicles
Swole up from the vaccine she claims
And his bride-to-be glum
With the size of his plums
Shot down their wedding in flames

Nikki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s testicles
Shining stars of her anti-vax Tweets
As they increased in size
Oversaw the demise
Of his prowess between the sheets

Nikki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s testicles
His poor swollen Castor and Pollux
But Professor Chris
When asked about this
Said it’s all undoubtedly bollocks

by Categories: COVID-19, poetry, SteveTags: , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Today, I’m Singing

Yesterday, I couldn’t touch things
Today, I can touch things
Yesterday, I couldn’t sing
Today, I’m singing
I’m singing
I’m singing

What about me?
I’m CEV
A year in isolation, cough free
Does anyone care about my captivity?

Yesterday I couldn’t go out
Today I can go out
Yesterday, I couldn’t sing
Today, I’m singing
I’m singing
I’m singing

Kids with vaccines
Wanna live their dreams
Sick of the disease
Time to do what they please
So, is it goodbye Jason and Joanna?

Yesterday, I couldn’t work things out
Today, I still can’t work things out
But yesterday, I couldn’t sing
Today, I’m singing
I’m singing
I’m singing

What about me?
I’m CEV
A year in isolation, cough free
Does anyone care about me?

Yesterday, I couldn’t touch things
Today, I can touch things
Yesterday, I couldn’t sing
Today, I’m singing
I’m singing
I’m singing
I’m singing
I’m singing

by Categories: COVID-19, Lyrics, SteveTags: , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Killing People’s Okay, But Kissing Them Isn’t

Killing people’s okay
But kissing ’em isn’t.
Give your girl a job,
But make sure you keep her distant
Workplace lovin’
Brings a certain frisson
But killing people’s okay
And kissing ‘em isn’t

Hopeless Hancock had his cake and ate it
Gave his girl a job, but now he might regret it
If there’s a prize for incompetence, you think he’d probably get it
But give ‘em extra marital, they won’t let you forget it

Professor Lockdown will tell ya, “It happened to me”.
But Hopeless don’t take advice easily.
Although he hands out contracts to friends and family
It’s about him and Gina: Stars of CCTV

‘Cos sex sells papers, I’m sure you understand
We live in saucy seaside postcard land
It’s Carry On Government at it’s most grand
And Hands Face Arse might get him banned

by Categories: COVID-19, SteveTags: , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Hancock, the Care Home Killer

Hancock, the Care Home Killer
Says he’s saving lives
While Barnard Castle Cummings
Is sharpening his knives
To no avail, as nothing sticks
To the Teflon Tory
Who’s taken his tricks
To Westminster Cathedral, no less
To marry number three, Carrie
(I hear you’re a Catholic now, father)
But, I digress
Hancock, the Care Home Killer
Who connived
To send the virus into care homes
But said that he was saving lives
Continues to tell lies
As Cummings’ evidence provides
So when all this is over, don’t forget
Even as the statue of Boris Johnson’s getting wet
That the ministerial hand upon that tiller
Belonged to Hancock, the Care Home Killer

by Categories: COVID-19, poetry, SteveTags: , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Kick It ‘Til It Breaks

Who has got the more slappable face?
Well, Scotch Egg Gove was leading the race
But now Horrible Hancock is in first place
You’ve gotta do what it takes
And kick it ‘til it breaks

Kick it ‘til it breaks
You gotta slap its silly face
And kick it ‘til it breaks

What I said was
What I meant was
What I said was
What I meant was
For fuck’s sake
Just kick it ‘til it breaks

And Cummings’ heroic self sacrifice bid
Ain’t gonna forgive what he did
A trip to the castle with his kid
God forbid
You’ve gotta kick it ‘til it breaks

Kick it ‘til it breaks
You gotta slap its silly face
And kick it ‘til it breaks

Then there’s the care home fiasco
The PPE that didn’t show
The clap a nurse but pay Dido
They’ve gotta go
You’ve gotta kick it ‘til it breaks

Kick it ‘til it breaks
You gotta slap its silly face
And kick it ‘til it breaks

Like a Hartlepool voter
An EU fishing quota
An Eton boater
Who cares not one iota
A pawnbroker playing poker
While the odour of the owner
Runs you over like a roller
Someone wake me when it’s over
And we can kick it ‘til it breaks

by Categories: COVID-19, Lyrics, SteveTags: , , , , , , , , 1 Comment