Dead Cats, Reverse Ferrets

He’ll need an army of dead cats to get out of this one
Carrie’s got a baby and Wilfie’s only one
And all the press are saying is, “not another one”
He’ll need an army of dead cats to get out of this one

Dead cats, reverse ferrets
Dead cats, reverse ferrets

He’ll need an army of dead cats to get out of this one
Turns out there were loads while we weren’t allowed a one
And he’s running out of mates even at the Currant Bun
He’ll need an army of dead cats to get out of this one

Dead cats, reverse ferrets
Dead cats, reverse ferrets

He said it didn’t happen
But it happened that it happened
And it happens that we happen
To know that it happened

He said it didn’t happen
But it happened that it happened
And it happens that we happen
To know that it happened

He’ll need an army of dead cats to get out of this one
Carrie’s got a baby and Wilfie’s only one
And all the press are saying is, “not another one”
He’ll need an army of dead cats to get out of this one

Dead cats, reverse ferrets
Dead cats, reverse ferrets
Dead cats, reverse ferrets
Dead cats, reverse ferrets

Facemasks at Half Mast

It’s facemasks at half mast
For the coffee guy at the station
For better facial aeration
For poorer droplet filtration
For rules half followed out of frustration
And Stanley Johnson ain’t wearing his at all

It’s facemasks at half mast
For the woman on the morning train
In a sippy cup coffee kinda vein
She’s looking at her make-up again
Over a blue chin protection membrane
And Stanley Johnson ain’t wearing his at all

It’s facemasks at half mast
Baby, let’s go exponential
It’s facemasks at half mast
Baby, let’s get existential

My mask protects you, your mask protects me
Round here, it’s what we call solidarity
It’s how we show love and respect for one another
Sisters and brothers

It’s facemasks at half mast
For the fella on the train home
Slipped down while he was on the phone
Glanced around the carriage and he’s not alone
With important communications home
And Stanley Johnson ain’t wearing his at all

It’s facemasks at half mast
Baby, let’s go exponential
It’s facemasks at half mast
Baby, let’s get existential

My mask protects you, your mask protects me
Round here, it’s what we call solidarity
It’s how we show love and respect for one another
Sisters and brothers

Spaffer doesn’t understand the rules
What rules?
Whose rules?
His rules
For home and work and schools
While Stanley Johnson ain’t wearing his at all

It’s facemasks at half mast
Baby, let’s go exponential
It’s facemasks at half mast
Baby, let’s get existential

My mask protects you, your mask protects me
Round here, it’s what we call solidarity
It’s how we show love and respect for one another
Sisters and brothers

A Masked Man Walks Into a Bar

A masked man walks into a bar
Just another day in the New Rose & Crown
It’s the pub of the damned, he orders a beer and sits down
He contemplates life and the new rules
Where everybody’s encouraged to go back to work and go back to school
Where one metre plus means you have to cover your face
That’s how he’s ended up coming in masked to this place
He looks from his beer to his mask and from his mask to his beer
As it all becomes frustratingly clear
That the logic of this thing just doesn’t make any sense at all

A masked man walks into a bar
It’s neat, neat, neat from all that pre-opening cleaning
It’s the pub of the damned, just with better housekeeping
He orders a pint of beer and sits down
While he ponders the end of the lockdown
And he asks himself what is a pub if it’s not a shop that sells live booze
And if you’re gonna have to wear a mask in a supermarket what’s boozer got to lose?
He looks from his beer to his mask and his mask to his beer
As Johnson’s muddied message fails to become clear
And the logic of this thing doesn’t make any sense at all

A masked man walks into a bar
Orders a large whiskey while he’s waiting for the blackout
There’s plenty of room inside not that many people out
It’s the pub of the damned and he just can’t be happy today
And they wouldn’t even take his cash when he tried to pay
He picks up his paper and reads in the comments
That your mask does nothing except to give you confidence
He looks from his whiskey to his mask and his mask to his whiskey
And there’s a world of handshakes that he still can’t see
And the logic of this thing doesn’t make any sense at all

A masked man walks into a bar….