The Government Pecking Order

While the prime minister is indisposed,
Here’s the government pecking order, disclosed:

It goes Johnson, Raab, Sunak and Patel.
So now we’ve got Raab, ‘cos Johnson is unwell.
And if Raab goes down, Sunak gets a spell.
And should Sunak lose his sense of smell,
Fourth on the list is Priti Patel

So whatever your position on the PM’s condition
(There’s little to applaud about his hospital admission
Save a salutary lesson about the virus’ transmission
And recognition of the position of the nurses and clinicians)
Michael Gove must ponder on his omission
From a list that doesn’t bode well:
Johnson, Raab, Sunak and Patel.

Pirate President Trump

The people of Barbados
Were buying ventilators
They had all the papers
That they were bought-and-paid-fors
But they were seized
‘Fore they hit the high seas
By the president’s decree
He’s a pirate now

The German police
Had their face masks seized
It’s hard to believe
From a plane in Thailand
Robbed on the tarmac
They just want their masks back
They just got a wisecrack
He’s a pirate now

And it’s a yo, ho, ho and a bottle of rum
Here comes Pirate President Trump
Lock up your medicines, here he comes
Its President Trump
He’s a pirate now

He’ll steal your medication,
Your PPE
‘Cos his recovery’s
A month behind the Chinese
He’ll offer big money
For your remedies
Or he’ll take ‘em for free
He’s a pirate now

And it’s a yo, ho, ho and a bottle of rum
Here comes Pirate President Trump
Lock up your medicines, here he comes
Its President Trump
He’s a pirate now

The Lockdown, Week Three

lockdown 3

It was the first sunny day of the spring, and a Sunday, so people went to the park, in spite of the government guidance which insisted on only leaving the house for work, food, medicine or exercise, and the Health Secretary’s holy trinity of exercise: run, walk, cycle; but how do you exercise when you’re six years old, or exercise your six year old? People without access to private gardens were being told what to do by people who clearly did.

The police were mobilised to break up family groups enjoying the weather and move on elderly folk sat on park benches taking a rest during their constitutional. Local authorities closed some parks and a more widespread ban was called for. The media swung behind the strategy, labelling the public thoughtless, careless, selfish virus-spreaders, ignoring for the moment a government short of PPE, ventilators and tests, and an administration that had turned a blind eye to its inability to cope with a pandemic since Exercise Cygnus.

Cygnus had been a 2016 government run simulation of a ‘flu epidemic which identified considerable unpreparedness in the provision of ventilators and the ability to process the deceased, according to Sally Davies, the Chief Medical Officer at the time. The results were, predictably, buried.

Elsewhere, Matt Hancock told The Andrew Marr Show that now was not the time to be discussing nurses’ pay, and the total deaths approached five thousand.

He’s Going in for Tests

There’s a hospital admission
In the second edition
As his grip is slipping on the reins of power
It’s his chest
He’s going in for tests

He’s not discharged
Says he’s still in charge
But lurking is Raab named number two
Not the best
He’s going in for tests

When Boris Johnson masturbates, he’s imagines he’s Winston Churchill
But when his D-day landing moment came, he was quite ill
And as the reins of power are starting to slip from his grasp
He’s pondering the wisdom of Last Gasp

He has little clue
And he’s flippant too
Now it’s number two at the conference
Facing the press
He’s going in for tests

With your coughing head
From your hospital bed
You can’t get ahead
Of the crisis
They professed
He’s going in for tests

When Boris Johnson masturbates, he’s imagines he’s Winston Churchill
But when his D-day landing moment came, he was quite ill
And as the reins of power are starting to slip from his grasp
He’s pondering the wisdom of Last Gasp

There’s a hospital admission
In the second edition
And his hand is slipping under his gown
You’ll understand
He’s got time on his hands

When Boris Johnson masturbates, he’s imagines he’s Winston Churchill
But when his D-day landing moment came, he was quite ill
And as the reins of power are starting to slip from his grasp
He’s pondering the wisdom of Last Gasp

Just Another Day in Quarantine

He was a handful before the lockdown came
But now he’s stuck indoors
Drinking ‘cos he’s bored
A handful before the lockdown came
Now he don’t get to see his mates
And that means there’s no escape for her
For her

He was a handful before the lockdown came
Now he’s like: Don’t come near me
With that cough
He was a handful before the lockdown came
I wish you and the kids
Would just fuck off
Is what he says to her
To her

She’s another victim of the virus
Unintended consequences, hazards unforeseen
Just another day in quarantine

He was a handful before the lockdown came
She’d get the occasional bruise
To show for it
He was a handful before the lockdown came
Now he’s stuck indoors
With no one else to hit, except her
Just her

She’s another victim of the virus
Unintended consequences, hazards unforeseen
Just another day in quarantine

He was a handful before the lockdown came
But now he’s drinking silently
Not coping with his anxiety
A handful before the lockdown came
Now he’s getting out of control
And there’s nowhere else to go for her
For her

She’s another victim of the virus
Unintended consequences, hazards unforeseen
Between four walls there’s no such thing as social distancing
Just another day in quarantine

Bog Roll v. Guns

The Brits are buying bog roll while the Yanks are buying guns
They’re shooting at each other while we’re wiping our bums
But you can’t kill the virus with a bullet from a gun
And it might make you cough but it don’t give you the runs
We’re two nations still divided by our common tongues
The Brits are buying bog roll while the Yanks are buying guns

 

bog roll v guns

 

59 Billionaires

There’s 59 billionaires in this country
Are they standing up doing their bit?
While Hancock had a go at premiership stars
He let the real rich off with it

59 billionaires
59 billionaires
59 billionaires
59 billionaires

There’s 59 billionaires in this country
Between ‘em got a bob or two
So, in this hour of national crisis
What do you think that they’re up to?

Branson, he’s worth his own 5 billion
Held his hand out for seven more
Phil and Tina Green, retail king and queen
Shut the pension scheme at the store

Richard Desmond, from the gutter press
Is running scare stories in the Daily Express
And Dyson who took his firm over the border
Got himself a nice little government order

59 billionaires
59 billionaires
59 billionaires
59 billionaires

There’s 59 billionaires in this country
59 trough meets snout
59 billion doing quite nicely
And they’re just the ones that I know about

59 billionaires
59 billionaires
59 billionaires
59 billionaires

Nurses! Never Forget

By April, thiry-six thousand cases
And countless thousands more left untested
By April, over three thousand dead
A number that’s at least less contested
Among them, four doctors, but what’s worse is
The government forgot to count the nurses

Matt Hancock, in the weekly news round-up
Confident he’s got his numbers down
Until a question he did not expect
Reduces government minister to clown
Under his breath, the statistician curses
The government forgot to count the nurses

Each Thursday we gather on our doorsteps
With pots and pans and hands to give applause
For the selfless sacrifice and devotion
Of the real heroes of this cause
A chanted admonition in our verses
No government should ever forget the nurses

Tell ‘Em We’ll Test ‘Em Tomorrow

Tell ‘em we’ll test ‘em tomorrow, Matt
Tell ‘em we’ll test ‘em tomorrow
Gove’s conferences fell quite flat, Matt
He won’t be a tough act to follow
And Boris promised ‘em millions, Matt
But he ain’t got much truth left to borrow
So tell ‘em we’ll test ‘em tomorrow

Tell ‘em we’ll test ‘em tomorrow Matt
Tell ‘em we’ll test ‘em tomorrow
The Mail are beginning to turn on us, Matt
And that’s hard for us Tories to swallow
Tell ‘em the Germans have got all tests, Matt
While our industry laid fallow
And tell ‘em well test ‘em tomorrow

Tell ‘em we’ll test ‘em tomorrow, Matt
Tell ‘em we’ll test ‘em tomorrow
We know that they’re needed right now, Matt
And so do the WHO
Tell ‘em there’s no point in blame, Matt
Do a cover up job for the shit show
And tell ‘em we’ll test ‘em tomorrow

Goats!

What happens, when you stay in your room?
What happens, when everyone else does too?
What happens, in the doom and gloom?
You know that nature abhors a vaccum

Goats! Standing on our cars
Goats! Eating stuff that ours
Goats! Great Orme goats at large
In Llandudno, the goats are in charge.

What happens, by the Welsh seaside?
What happens, when everyone stays inside?
What happens, when you’re forced to hide?
A vacuum that nature can’t abide

Goats! Standing on our cars
Goats! Eating stuff that ours
Goats! Great Orme goats at large
In Llandudno, the goats are in charge.

What happens, by the Summit Hotel?
What happens, outside your house as well?
What happens, what’s that farmyard smell?
It’s Mother Nature starting to rebel

Goats! Standing on our cars
Goats! Eating stuff that ours
Goats! Great Orme goats at large
In Llandudno, the goats are in charge.

Goats! An imported species
Goats! From the hills visiting the beaches
Goats! With their Kashmiri fleeces
In Llandudno, the goats are in charge

Goats! Standing on our cars
Goats! Eating stuff that ours
Goats! Great Orme goats at large
In Llandudno, the goats are in charge.

goats