Tag: boris johnson

Fido (And His Escape From Deportation to Rwanda)

They found him on the beach at Dover
But his ordeal was far from over
Checking for food in the bins
Fido was looking quite thin
So they scooped him up and took him to the pound
Left him in the company of other lost hounds
Saying it was definitely for the best
That Fido’s case should be quickly processed

How did he get here? Was it a legal route?
Where is his collar and lead?
Why is it never bitches or puppies?
Did he just throw his tag in the sea?
Is it just ‘cause the bins are better in Dover?
Did he just want a more benevolent owner?
Did he think we’d just hand him a nice marrow bone
And a bed in a new, warm, comfy home?

Fido barked his answers with canine candour
But the decision had been made, he was off to Rwanda

When the story broke, there was outrage
The Daily Mail devoted the whole front page
This is a nation of animal lovers
And we demand that no dog ever suffers
Transportation to a foreign land
On this the paper will make its stand
The Sun, The Express and even The Times
Said that dog deportations were animal crimes

The Prime Minister was forced to agree
Shed a crocodile tear on breakfast TV
Said on dog trafficking we must draw a line
And the Home Secretary was forced to resign

So woe betide the politician who ever forgets
That we measure our compassion by the way we treat our pets

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The King of Lockdown

The King of Lockdown raised a glass
A toast to ghosts of empires past
His gaze steadfast upon the cast
Of gathered acolytes, his class
And scenes they would deny

The grape and grain of government
Authors of instruction meant
For others, never their intent
Without consent of votes once lent
Ever to comply

The King of Lockdown, slovenly
Dismissive of discovery
Of drunken, workless company
Endemic this incumbency
Would simply tell a lie

The King of Lockdown, King of Bluff
Born of the stuff to just rebuff
Never knows when it’s enough
Never goes when it gets tough
Lets truth slide idly by

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Local Elections May 2022

Wonderful in Worthing, Wandsworth and Westminster
Horrible in Harrow, Hastings and Hull

No Overall Control hold Hartlepool
Who says that the local elections have been dull

With stay-at-home Tories and Long Corbyn stories
While in Skipton drawing straws is the way that it’s done

And what they’re talking about is

Curry with Sir Keith in a constituency office
Downing Street piss-ups with Prime Minister Boris
Or the latest comic skit from Secretary Dorries

Now they’re changing the bin days in Mayfair
And easing up the planning rules in the town square

Because the hands on the levers might have changed
But the levers themselves have stayed the same

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Privatise the Arse Off It

Trouble at the Passport Office
Privatise the arse off it
Run it for my pals’ profit
A one-trick Tory cries

Like Mogg he wants you at your desk
Who’s haunting corridors obsessed
His sarcastic notes grotesque
Bullying in disguise

‘Cause they privatised the arse off the trains
The cars and the buses and the planes
The gas the electric the phones and the drains
The post and the college of flames

And if you’re still waiting for a visa from Ukraine
They privatised the arse off that too
Just sayin’

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Mogg vs. Marr, LBC 19 April 2022

Condescending Mogg at his condescending best
Says leg before wicket is the best test
Of whether Spaffer’s lying
He’s on the offensive no forward defensive stroke this
He’s taking the piss
And not even trying

The Minister for Lack of Opportunity for Our Community
Is here to spar with Marr
It’s infuriating so far
His relying on denying
Crying speculation
And irrespective of the effect of his words
Encourages perspective
About Marr’s father dying
And Partygate

For Mogg it’s just a game
These people have no shame

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And Mogg Tweeted Alleluia

Canterbury’s putting up resistance
To the ungodly policy of offshore asylum
Love thy neighbour but only from a distance
Sounding Johnson’s Operation Red Meat siren

But Castle’s voice from the pews cried we tithed for our views
And we don’t like change around here
You shouldn’t get to choose your country of refuge
And Rwanda’s very nice this time of year we hear

So Secretary Patel issued ministerial direction
To whistle up the dog a fascist bone
Of immigration by racial selection
A one-way ticket or a middle-class home

More folk will die of Covid in 2022
Than seek asylum in this green and pleasant land
Swiftly and humanely removed is the clue
To the Easter politics of the damned

Canterbury’s putting up resistance
But Johnson and Patel just say screw ya
We’re loving our neighbours but only at a distance
And Mogg tweeted Alleluia

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Spaffer In Ukraine Again

Safer in a war zone
Than strolling round his own home
Spaffer’s on walkabout in Ukraine

He really has a talent
For reputation management
A cock-up covering caper once again

But if he has a second
He should take a trip to Yemen
And watch British bombs being dropped by British planes

Or if he’s of a mind
Walkabout in Palestine
And contemplate their sovereign state claim

‘Cause if he’s safer in a war zone
Than strolling round his own home
There’s lots of war for him to try and game

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Gangster Government

Gangster government for gangster bosses
Cutting their losses
With jobs and rights

Gangster government for gangster firms
Ripping up terms
To DP’s delight

Gangster governments for gangster companies
P&O Ferries
It ain’t alright

Gangster government’s crocodile tears
As it appears
They knew that night

Gangster government’s Brittania Unchained
Holds workers in disdain
That’s the Tory right

Gangster government for gangster oligarchs
Swimming with the sharks
Forgetting that they bite

Gangster government for gangster lobbies
Ignoring the bodies
With indifferent spite

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Evgeny Lebedev

He owns The Grapes, The Evening Standard, a collection of modern art
He owns the i and The Independent, although the Saudis now own part
He had a pet wolf called Boris, named after Yeltsin, they say
He owns a house in the grounds of Hampton Court Palace, and is a Baron of down that way
Yes, he’s the Baron of Hampton, in Richmond-upon-Thames
Because he counts Boris Johnson amongst his friends
(Who overruled concerns about security)
And his dad used to be in the KGB

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Donald’s Coke

His campaign’s funded in roubles
He plays tennis with some Russian folk
He’s almost completely without scruples
And he’s snorting Donald’s coke

Now he’s lining up a barrage of sanctions
Its Churchill he’s trying to invoke
He’s getting a piece of the action
And snorting Donald’s coke

Wallpaper – move on
Parties – move on
Jimmy Saville – move on
He’s snorting Donald’s coke

He’s a fan of foie gras and fur
He don’t care how the poor buggers croak
An opportunity Brexit conferred
While he was snorting Donald’s coke

Pounds, shillings, and pence
Don’t matter if you’re broke
Proposed by the Minister of Past Tense
Who’s been snorting Donald’s coke

Wallpaper – move on
Parties – move on
Jimmy Saville – move on
He’s snorting Donald’s coke

Keep keen eyes in the crow’s nest
He knows the system’s broke
Don’t worry about who can afford a test
While you’re snorting Donald’s coke

Here’s another strategic lie
Just call the dissenters woke
Dead cat meet table; ball, eye: bye, bye
He’s snorting Donald’s coke

Wallpaper – move on
Parties – move on
Jimmy Saville – move on
He’s snorting Donald’s coke

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