Category: Lyrics

Dear Mr. Johnson

Professor Chris in a darkened room
With his message of doom, his message of gloom
Says get your booster and get it soon
That’s his message to you

Professor Chris on podium two
Says don’t breathe on folks that you don’t have to
And try not to let them breathe on you
That’s his message to you

But now they’re looking at you like the monkeys in the zoo do
The naked ape that hasn’t got a clue
Throwing chimps’ tea parties and denying them too
Now it’s time for you

(So)
Bye bye, farewell, fuck off
Bye bye, farewell, fuck off
Bye bye, farewell, and then fuck off from there as well
Bye bye, farewell, fuck off
(You insufferable toff)

The football fans know it, the darts fans know it
If there’s a party, you’re gonna throw it
If there’s bad seed, you’re gonna sow it
It’s time for you to go

(It’s)
Bye bye, farewell, fuck off
Bye bye, farewell, fuck off
Bye bye, farewell, and then fuck off from there as well
Bye bye, farewell, fuck off
(You insufferable toff)

Bye bye, farewell, it’s time you blew
And take Jacob Rees-Mogg along with you
And Iain Duncan Smith and the ERG crew
In fact anyone identified as blue
It’s time for you

‘Cos they’re looking at you like the monkeys in the zoo do
The naked apes that haven’t got a clue
Throwing chimps tea parties and denying them too
Now it’s time for you

(It’s)
Bye bye, farewell, fuck off
Bye bye, farewell, fuck off
Bye bye, farewell, and then fuck off from there as well
Bye bye, farewell, fuck off
(You insufferable toff)
Bye bye, farewell, fuck off

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The Day They Cancelled Christmas

Shaun Bailey threw a party on the day they cancelled Christmas
Bozo chaired a little quiz, Allegra had a little cry

Shaun Bailey threw a party on the day they cancelled Christmas
With a substantial buffet and glasses of wine

Shaun Bailey threw a party on the day they cancelled Christmas
Tory donors, Christmas jumpers, party hats if so inclined

Shaun Bailey threw a party on the day they cancelled Christmas
Snug up for the pictures, no need to comply

Cos the rules, don’t apply to them
You can do what you like behind the doors of number 10
No, the rules don’t apply to them
Whatever you do when it comes around, please don’t vote them in again

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Dead Cats, Reverse Ferrets

He’ll need an army of dead cats to get out of this one
Carrie’s got a baby and Wilfie’s only one
And all the press are saying is, “not another one”
He’ll need an army of dead cats to get out of this one

Dead cats, reverse ferrets
Dead cats, reverse ferrets

He’ll need an army of dead cats to get out of this one
Turns out there were loads while we weren’t allowed a one
And he’s running out of mates even at the Currant Bun
He’ll need an army of dead cats to get out of this one

Dead cats, reverse ferrets
Dead cats, reverse ferrets

He said it didn’t happen
But it happened that it happened
And it happens that we happen
To know that it happened

He said it didn’t happen
But it happened that it happened
And it happens that we happen
To know that it happened

He’ll need an army of dead cats to get out of this one
Carrie’s got a baby and Wilfie’s only one
And all the press are saying is, “not another one”
He’ll need an army of dead cats to get out of this one

Dead cats, reverse ferrets
Dead cats, reverse ferrets
Dead cats, reverse ferrets
Dead cats, reverse ferrets

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Superheroes, Supervillains

Did you ever while away a childhood hour
Imagining your very own superpower?
But never able to scratch that itch
‘Cos superpower’s reserved for the super-rich

Batman’s a toff, the stuff he’s got
Bet he don’t pay tax on half that lot
But if the city upped the ante
And binned the vigilante
They could fund the GCPD
Properly
(Commissioner Gordon would be proud)

Superheroes, supervillains, they’re just products of the system
Superheroes, supervillains, they’re just products of the system

Ironman’s a toff, the stuff he’s got
Bet he don’t pay tax on half that lot
‘Cos Stark Industries’
A monopoly
With sights on the whole defence
Industry
(He’s got a military industrial complex)

Superheroes, supervillains, they’re just products of the system
Superheroes, supervillains, they’re just products of the system

Andrew’s a toff, the stuff he’s got
Livin’ off tax paid by you lot
Touches who he wants
With impunity
‘Cos his superpower’s unaccountability
(On account of his mum being Queen)

Superheroes, supervillains, they’re just products of the system
Superheroes, supervillains, they’re just products of the system

Our superpower’s sharing, our superpower’s caring
Our superpower’s looking out for one another
Our superpower’s sharing, our superpower’s caring
Our superpower’s looking out for one another

Jacob’s a toff, the stuff he’s got
Bet he don’t pay tax on half that lot
His hedge fund’s laughin’
While other folk are starvin’
His superpower’s alarming, while his wealth he’s guarding
(He just doesn’t see poor people)

Superheroes, supervillains, they’re just products of the system
Superheroes, supervillains, they’re just products of the system

Hand over the keys to the Batmobile
Built by our labour of hand and brain
And hand over the iron suit too
We don’t want to see your superhero arses round here again

Superheroes, supervillains, they’re just products of the system
Superheroes, supervillains, they’re just products of the system

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COP26: What’s This?

COP26, what’s this?
COP26, what’s it gonna fix?
COP26, just more politics
And we’re running out of time.

This flooding is brought to you by Microsoft
This wildfire by Sainsbury’s and our friends at Sky
This drought by Unilever and some others we forgot
We’re saving the planet
One multinational at a time

Your speech is sponsored by “blah, blah, blah”
Your blind eye by corporate environmental crime
It’s greenwash, we know what you are
You’re not saving the planet
And were running out of time

You’ve got the tarmac, but we’ve got the glue
You’re stuck on the motorway, and we’re stuck on it too
You can stick your air source heat pump scheme,
‘Cos that just will not do
You’ve got the tarmac,
but we make the glue!

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Rivers Of Shit

It’s 2021, and we’re still paying the price
As once again enforcement just becomes advice
We’re used to Tories doing things that really ain’t that nice
But this one, I must admit, came as a surprise

‘Cos they’re shitting in the rivers and they’re shitting in the sea
George Eustice reckons it’s okay, environmentally
So, if you’re heading for your local spot to take a pleasant dip
Remember, like the Tories it’s just full of shit

Raw sewage at the seaside isn’t very nice
So, there’s a handy sign up to give you this advice
You should keep your mouth and nose closed and best shut your eyes too
‘Cos your Tory MP voted for you to bathe in poo

They’re shitting in the rivers and they’re shitting in the sea
They’re shitting on the likes of you and the likes of me
So, if your heading for your local spot to take a pleasant dip
Remember, like the Tories it’s just full of shit

In the absence of all reason they put it to the vote
To throw shit into the rivers to float amongst the boats
Two hundred and fifty Tories put their hands up for the right
To fill your local waterway up with shite

They’re shitting in the rivers and they’re shitting in the sea
They’re shitting on the likes of you and the likes of me
So, if your heading for your local spot to take a pleasant dip
Remember, like the Tories it’s just full of shit

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The River

She pulled him out of the river
Fed him, clothed him, found him a home

Cos pulling folk out the river
Is the only way she’s ever known

She pulls him out of the river
And tomorrow she’ll pull him out again
She pulls him out of the river
But she’ll never meet the bastards
That keep throwing him in

Keep throwing him in

She pulls them out of the river
Without ever asking from where they’ve come

Fishing souls out the river
And some days her day’s work is never done

She pulls him out of the river
And tomorrow she’ll pull him out again
She pulls him out of the river
But she’ll never meet the bastards
That keep throwing him in

Keep throwing him in


She’s fishing souls out the river
Seems that’s the way it’s always been

While the soulless bastards in government
Keep throwing them in

She pulls him out of the river
And tomorrow she’ll pull him out again
She pulls him out of the river
But she’ll never meet the bastards
That keep throwing him in

Keep throwing him in

She’s fishing souls out the river
Seems that’s the way it’s always been
While the soulless bastards in government
Keep throwing us in
Keep throwing us in
Keep throwing us in

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(There Ain’t No) Halfway There

If you halve child poverty, will they all be half as poor?
Or will half be as poor as all they were before?
What sort of compromise
With government lies
About austerity and poverty
And children going hungry
Says well, we’ll meet you halfway there

The judgement of Solomon is somehow lost on them
The biblical rule said going halves ain’t cool
What kind of compromise
With folk that you despise
Says, you know well maybe
If we can’t have all the baby
Says well, we’ll meet you halfway there

We went looking for the centre, but all we found was the system
There ain’t no halfway there

The judgement of Solomon is somehow lost on them
The biblical rule said going halves ain’t cool
What kind of compromise
With folk that you despise
Says, you know well maybe
If we can’t have all the baby
Says well, we’ll meet you halfway there

We went looking for the centre, but all we found was the system
There ain’t no halfway there

There ain’t no halfway
There ain’t no halfway there

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Mr Toothpaste

Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube
When the prince wants to brush his teeth
Mr Toothpaste fences the loot
That other dignitaries bequeath
Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage
When the prince can only use one hand
And if you want a dodgy CBE
Mr Toothpaste is your man

When you change your clothes five times a day
You might need someone to put ‘em away
In royal circles that’s called a valet
And Prince Charles, he’s got four (if not more)

Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube
When the prince wants to brush his teeth
Mr Toothpaste fences the loot
That other dignitaries bequeath
Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage
When the prince can only use one hand
And if you want a dodgy CBE
Mr Toothpaste is your man

Breaking your arm is an inconvenience
Lady Luck don’t show royals any lenience
But Michael is a valet with such an allegiance
He’ll hold it while the Prince has a piss (so he don’t miss)

Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube
When the prince wants to brush his teeth
Mr Toothpaste fences the loot
That other dignitaries bequeath
Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage
When the prince can only use one hand
And if you want a dodgy CBE
Mr Toothpaste is your man

The director of the royal cock holds a special place
And he’ll never face a discrimination case
Whatever happened anyway to the rape tapes
Some things we’ll never know (ain’t that so?)

Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube
When the prince wants to brush his teeth
Mr Toothpaste fences the loot
That other dignitaries bequeath
Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage
When the prince can only use one hand
And if you want a dodgy CBE
Mr Toothpaste is your man

Now Prince Charles’ influence could help a fellow out
But how to curry favour with a fellow of such clout?
Well extravagant gifts will help, no doubt
That Toothpaste will turn into cash (well that’s rash)

Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube
When the prince wants to brush his teeth
Mr Toothpaste fences the loot
That other dignitaries bequeath
Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage
When the prince can only use one hand
And if you want a dodgy CBE
Mr Toothpaste is your man

Now it turns out that what folk actually think is wrong
Is accepting wads of cash in exchange for a gong
Something I’m pretty sure they’ve done all along
So Toothpaste’s fallen on his sword (once more)

Mr Toothpaste squeezes the tube
When the prince wants to brush his teeth
Mr Toothpaste fences the loot
That other dignitaries bequeath
Mr Toothpaste directs the royal appendage
When the prince can only use one hand
And if you want a dodgy CBE
Mr Toothpaste is your man
And when Prince Charles needs to pee
Mr Toothpaste is your man

Full story here.

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Today, I’m Singing

Yesterday, I couldn’t touch things
Today, I can touch things
Yesterday, I couldn’t sing
Today, I’m singing
I’m singing
I’m singing

What about me?
I’m CEV
A year in isolation, cough free
Does anyone care about my captivity?

Yesterday I couldn’t go out
Today I can go out
Yesterday, I couldn’t sing
Today, I’m singing
I’m singing
I’m singing

Kids with vaccines
Wanna live their dreams
Sick of the disease
Time to do what they please
So, is it goodbye Jason and Joanna?

Yesterday, I couldn’t work things out
Today, I still can’t work things out
But yesterday, I couldn’t sing
Today, I’m singing
I’m singing
I’m singing

What about me?
I’m CEV
A year in isolation, cough free
Does anyone care about me?

Yesterday, I couldn’t touch things
Today, I can touch things
Yesterday, I couldn’t sing
Today, I’m singing
I’m singing
I’m singing
I’m singing
I’m singing

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