Tag: writing

Mogg vs. Marr, LBC 19 April 2022

Condescending Mogg at his condescending best
Says leg before wicket is the best test
Of whether Spaffer’s lying
He’s on the offensive no forward defensive stroke this
He’s taking the piss
And not even trying

The Minister for Lack of Opportunity for Our Community
Is here to spar with Marr
It’s infuriating so far
His relying on denying
Crying speculation
And irrespective of the effect of his words
Encourages perspective
About Marr’s father dying
And Partygate

For Mogg it’s just a game
These people have no shame

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And Mogg Tweeted Alleluia

Canterbury’s putting up resistance
To the ungodly policy of offshore asylum
Love thy neighbour but only from a distance
Sounding Johnson’s Operation Red Meat siren

But Castle’s voice from the pews cried we tithed for our views
And we don’t like change around here
You shouldn’t get to choose your country of refuge
And Rwanda’s very nice this time of year we hear

So Secretary Patel issued ministerial direction
To whistle up the dog a fascist bone
Of immigration by racial selection
A one-way ticket or a middle-class home

More folk will die of Covid in 2022
Than seek asylum in this green and pleasant land
Swiftly and humanely removed is the clue
To the Easter politics of the damned

Canterbury’s putting up resistance
But Johnson and Patel just say screw ya
We’re loving our neighbours but only at a distance
And Mogg tweeted Alleluia

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Spaffer In Ukraine Again

Safer in a war zone
Than strolling round his own home
Spaffer’s on walkabout in Ukraine

He really has a talent
For reputation management
A cock-up covering caper once again

But if he has a second
He should take a trip to Yemen
And watch British bombs being dropped by British planes

Or if he’s of a mind
Walkabout in Palestine
And contemplate their sovereign state claim

‘Cause if he’s safer in a war zone
Than strolling round his own home
There’s lots of war for him to try and game

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Gender-Neutral Toilets

There’s a gender-neutral toilet in our house
Like the one on a plane
And the one on a train
Like getting caught short in the woods in the rain.

There’s a gender-neutral toilet in our house
So politically correct
What did you expect
One or more types from which to select?

There’s a gender-neutral toilet in our house
How outré
To piss that way
What would the second world war generation say?

Who didn’t have a gender-neutral toilet in their house
Not because of pride
Or of bigotry implied
But because their gender-neutral toilet was outside

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Bin Bags


They’re crying about woke
They’re crying she’s a bloke
They’re crying ‘bout appendages
The vestiges of yesterdays

They’re crying about words
That they think are absurd
They’re crying ‘bout the language
Being savaged for the damaged

It’s bin bags
Bin bags
It’s just bin bags
Bin bags

They’re crying about Bragg
They think that it’s a drag
That he’s standing with the persecuted
Most disputed and excluded

They’re crying about caring
And storytelling scaring
They’re crying ‘bout the activists
Who won’t assist the anti-ists

It’s bin bags
Bin bags
It’s just bin bags
Bin bags

They said you couldn’t call ‘em
By the colour that they are
They said it was the looney lefties
Who had gone too far
They say that what goes around
Comes around again
And now it’s gender critical, it’s
You can’t call it’s
Minds are small, it’s

Bin bags
Bin bags
It’s just bin bags
Bin bags

They don’t like their lives disrupted
Opinions deconstructed
To understand it’s complicated
Other people should be feted
Not just accommodated
And your words can show that you care
Your words can show that you care

It’s bin bags
Bin bags
It’s just bin bags
Bin bags

Bin bags

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Stealth Omicron

He’s splutting and coughering
Hot and bloody bothering
Feeling pretty rotten
And he’s tested twice

He’s sneezin’ and wheezin’
And snottin’ like a wee thing
It isn’t very pleasin’
It’s not very nice

But give him a day or two
It takes a while to come to view
He’ll get his second line up too
And now he’s had it twice

It’s Omicron
They call it stealth Omicron
With no rules to rely upon
It’s BA.2 for you and you and you

It’s Omicron
He’s got Stealth Omicron
With no test and no mask on
It’s BA.2 for you and you and you

He thought it was a heavy cold
He thought he’d got it all controlled
Now that LFTs are sold
Who’s gonna buy?

Now he’s coughing and spluttering
Shivering and shuddering
The country is recovering’s
Another lie

He’s one in a million
No, one of a million
Infected civilians
The number’s pretty high

It’s Omicron
They call it stealth Omicron
With no rules to rely upon
It’s BA.2 for you and you and you

It’s Omicron
He’s got Stealth Omicron
With no test and no mask on
It’s BA.2 for you and you and you

He’s one in a million
No, one of a million
Infected civilians
The number’s pretty high

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When Is It Over?

When is it over?
It’s over today
What on earth do you mean, said he
She said, it’s not gone away
But it’s over today
Because tests are no longer free
As a fool once said
In the time that he led
If you don’t look, then you won’t see
So, it’s over today
Without going away
Because tests are no longer free

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Gangster Government

Gangster government for gangster bosses
Cutting their losses
With jobs and rights

Gangster government for gangster firms
Ripping up terms
To DP’s delight

Gangster governments for gangster companies
P&O Ferries
It ain’t alright

Gangster government’s crocodile tears
As it appears
They knew that night

Gangster government’s Brittania Unchained
Holds workers in disdain
That’s the Tory right

Gangster government for gangster oligarchs
Swimming with the sharks
Forgetting that they bite

Gangster government for gangster lobbies
Ignoring the bodies
With indifferent spite

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Evgeny Lebedev

He owns The Grapes, The Evening Standard, a collection of modern art
He owns the i and The Independent, although the Saudis now own part
He had a pet wolf called Boris, named after Yeltsin, they say
He owns a house in the grounds of Hampton Court Palace, and is a Baron of down that way
Yes, he’s the Baron of Hampton, in Richmond-upon-Thames
Because he counts Boris Johnson amongst his friends
(Who overruled concerns about security)
And his dad used to be in the KGB

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