Tag: songwriting

Professor Lockdown (A Love Story of Sorts)

Professor Lockdown loved Antonia Staats
Isolation could break their hearts
At home her husband might have had the virus
But she said neither Thames nor disease will divide us

It was wrong and they knew it
There’s no way to misconstrue it
They thought they could get through it
But the press knew too
They didn’t run the story
‘Til they needed a furore
To steal headline glory
From the numbers breaking through

Professor Lockdown loved Antonia Staats
On one day in April and one in March
Is his expert opinion that the strategy’s wrong?
We’ll never know now that his job in SAGE has gone

It was wrong and they knew it
There’s no way to misconstrue it
They thought they could get through it
But the press knew too
They didn’t run the story
‘Til they needed a furore
To steal headline glory
From the numbers breaking through

Professor Lockdown loved Antonia Staats
Doomed lover victims of the press dark arts
A million crimes that the expert might commit
But there’s no way we’ll ever forgive a hypocrite

It was wrong and they knew it
There’s no way to misconstrue it
They thought they could get through it
But the press knew too
They didn’t run the story
‘Til they needed a furore
To steal headline glory
From the numbers breaking through

Professor Lockdown loved Antonia Staats
Epidemiology meets Avaaz
Now no one’s gonna want to be in her shoes
And his expert counsel’s now yesterday’s news

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The Sickest Man in Europe

The sickest man in Europe
Won two world wars and one world cup
The sickest man in Europe
Didn’t want to mess the economy up
The sickest man in Europe’s
Looking forward to VE day
The sickest man in Europe’s
Hearing how many died today

The sickest man in Europe
Is following the science
Thinks it’s untainted
By political bias
The sickest man in Europe
Is following the science
Loves respect
and minute’s silence

The sickest man in Europe’s
Hearing how many died today
The sickest man in Europe’s
Looking forward to VE day

by Categories: COVID-19, Lyrics, SteveTags: , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Are You Ready?

Are you ready?

Nigel says are you ready?
His will is firm
But his logic’s unsteady
But if your saddle’s sweaty
Or your business finance messy

Nigel reckons you’re ready

Richard says are you ready?
Him and Judy
Want to go steady
But she’s locked down already
He thinks it’s petty
He thinks she’s ready

To end the lockdown

There ain’t no vaccine
No antibody test
We ain’t even started track and trace yet
Matt hit his target
But only for a day
By the first of May
It had fallen away

Are you ready?

Are you ready?
To break the two-metre rule?
To go back to work?
To go back to school?
Are you ready?
Does the tube look attractive?
Is it time to be
Economically active?

Are you ready?

by Categories: COVID-19, Lyrics, SteveTags: , , , , , , , 1 Comment

What’s Going to Happen When the Clapping Stops?

You can talk about a target that turned into a boast
You can talk about a test kit that’s still in the post
You can talk about them not controlling the disease
You can talk about them not controlling the economy

You can talk about the hairdressers, talk about the shops
But has anybody thought about
Is anybody talking about
What’s going to happen when the clapping stops?

You can talk about flattening or fattening the curve
You can talk about typically medical reserve
You can talk about passing at least the first peak
You can talk about avoiding media critique

You can talk about the hairdressers, talk about the shops
But has anybody thought about
Is anybody talking about
What’s going to happen when the clapping stops?

You can talk about maybe easing the lockdown
You can talk about the circus that was missing its clown
You can talk about sending the kids back to school
You can talk about suspending the two-metre rule

You can talk about the hairdressers, talk about the shops
But has anybody thought about
Is anybody talking about
What’s going to happen when the clapping stops?

You can talk about your temperature getting on the tube
You can talk about your fellow passenger being true
You can talk about publishing an exit strategy
You can talk about doing it without a vaccine

You can talk about the hairdressers, talk about the shops
But has anybody thought about
Is anybody talking about
What’s going to happen when the clapping stops?

by Categories: COVID-19, Lyrics, SteveTags: , , , , , , 1 Comment

Rachel on the Radio

You’re just afraid says Rachel Johnson
You’re still getting paid says Rachel Johnson
The risks are low says Rachel Johnson
You’re enjoying furlough says Rachel Johnson

Spaffer’s sister on the radio
She’s proper havin’ a go
Waging class war from afar
It’s a bloody high bar
But I’d rather listen to Farage

My daddy’s brave says Rachel Johnson
You should earn your wage says Rachel Johnson
Yes, I know your mate’s dead says Rachel Johnson
But you must look ahead says Rachel Johnson

Spaffer’s sister on the radio
She’s proper havin’ a go
Waging class war from afar
It’s a bloody high bar
But I’d rather listen to Farage

Would you wear a mask asks Rachel Johnson
Just thought I’d ask says Rachel Johnson

Don’t you know who my brother is
Don’t you know who my brother is
Don’t you know who my brother is

Spaffer’s sister on the radio
She’s proper havin’ a go
Waging class war from afar
It’s a bloody high bar
But I’d rather listen to Farage

And that’s bloody saying something

by Categories: COVID-19, Lyrics, SteveTags: , , , , , 1 Comment

Spaffer Fixes Bayonets

Spaffer and Allegra were bright young things
Oxford’s future queens and kings
It wasn’t long ‘til they exchanged rings
But while he was seein’ her
Along came Marina
And Spaffer fixed his bayonet and went over the top

Marina gave him daughters, Marina gave him sons
Lara and Milo were the first ones
Marina must’ve thought that she was the one
But he ain’t that kinda fella
Along came Petronella
And Spaffer fixed his bayonet and went over the top

Marina threw him out but soon had him back
Spaffer must’ve thought it one helluva craic
She’d have more to fend off than a single attack
Because actually
Along came Anna Fazackerly
And Spaffer fixed his bayonet and went over the top

Two more with Marina, Cassie and Theodore
For those keeping count, that makes four
But Spaffer’s lift won’t stay on the ground floor
Soon, along came Helen
And he refixed his weapon
Spaffer fixed his bayonet and went over the top

Helen was the latest focus of his seduction
But when Stephanie was born he tried to seek an injuction
He didn’t want the public aware of their production
And Marina was yet to discover
An as yet unnamed lover
As Spaffer fixed his bayonet and went over the top

‘Cos Spaffer weren’t about to take a break from play
Although rumours of another child remain vague
A subject on which he has little to say
But while he’s still married
Its time to introduce Carrie
And Spaffer fixed his bayonet and went over the top

Now Spaffer’s hoping things with the kids are reconciled
As Carrie is the mother of his latest child
Thinking this must be the end of his days being wild
But the question on everyone’s minds
How long ‘til the next time
That Spaffer fixes bayonets and goes over the top
Spaffer fixes bayonets and goes over the top
Spaffer fixes bayonets and goes over the top
Spaffer just can’t stop

by Categories: COVID-19, Lyrics, SteveTags: , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Sixty Thousand Pounds

Ever wondered about the price of a human life?
Well, Hancock’s finally figured out
How many workers have died
So, if what killed you was a lack of gloves and gowns
You’re worth sixty thousand pounds

Ever wondered about the price of a human life?
Well, if you’re an economist
You should perhaps try
And if you’re killed at work by a government slow to lock down
You’re worth sixty thousand pounds

Ever wondered about the price of a human life?
Well, it’s this evening’s
Press briefing headline
So, if the government fatally let you down
You’re worth sixty thousand pounds

by Categories: COVID-19, Lyrics, SteveTags: , , , , , , 1 Comment

Holding Your Breath

Joanna’s holding it together
But she can’t keep the kids off school forever
It’s so much harder in the nice weather
Holding her breath

Some days they’re just climbing the walls
While she’s trying to make work phone calls
They can’t go and play with next door’s
Holding her breath

The first ten seconds are easy
The second ten seconds are harder
Then you’re living one second at a time
When you’re holding your breath

The first ten seconds are easy
The second ten seconds are harder
Each second after that lasts a lifetime
Holding your breath

She’s listening to the prime minster back today
The very little he had to say
She’s trying not to be afraid
And holding her breath

Shelagh Fogerty says the lockdown’s fraying
And that’s what the traffic outside is saying
Joanna finds herself praying
And holding her breath

The first ten seconds are easy
The second ten seconds are harder
Then you’re living one second at a time
When you’re holding your breath

The first ten seconds are easy
The second ten seconds are harder
Each second after that lasts a lifetime
Holding your breath

Each second after that lasts a lifetime
When you’re holding your breath

by Categories: COVID-19, Lyrics, SteveTags: , , , , , 1 Comment

The Prime Minister Prepares to Return to Work

I’m coming back to work, and I need to know
That’s everything’s gonna be okay
So tell me my cabinet colleagues
What did you do while I was away?

Right, right, OK
Right, right, OK

Tell us Michael, you had a plan
To run things pretty hot
Tell us Michael about the plan
What sort of numbers have we got?

Well boss the plan’s killed 20000 people
We said we’d do well to stay under that number
The plan’s killed over 20000 people
Running hot might’ve been a blunder

Right, right, OK
Right, right, OK

Tell us Matt you had a plan
To sort out PPE
Tell us Matt you had a plan
What improvements have you seen?

Well boss there still ain’t quite enough
If I’m honest I’m starting to lose it
Even with all this military stuff
I didn’t expect the nurses to actually use it

Right, right, OK
Right, right, OK

Does anyone have a bit of good news?
Does anyone have a bit of good news?
Does anybody have a bit of good news?
Yes Priti?

Well boss I’m pleased to report
I’ve driven shoplifting down
Boss without any support
I’ve driven shoplifting down

Right, right, OK
Right, right, OK

That it?

by Categories: COVID-19, Lyrics, SteveTags: , , , , , , , , 1 Comment