I thought that the COVID-19 songs could do with starting before the Quarantine the Queen and should probably introduce Joanna and Jason earlier, so here they are pre-lockdown in times we would have referred to as normal.
Joanna’s in the kitchen
Chopping onions, peeling garlic
Watching the news by the way
Deserted streets, men in hazmat suits
In a city far, far away
She’s got carrots and celery
A good sauce to hide veg in
Wuhan or something like that
Looking like a scene in a disaster movie
She couldn’t point to on a map
Jason puts the kettle on
It’s too early for wine
He might save it for the weekend anyway
Says what’s that you’re watching love?
It all looks a bit doomsday
Pandemics happen to other people
Other cultures, other countries
Something about the way they live, I guess
Without trying to put it bluntly
It must be dreadful but they’re not like us
I’m not sure we’d make such a fuss
It’s like something you’d watch on TV
And it’s spaghetti Bolognese for tea
She’s frying off the mince
There’s a tin of tomatoes
And a stock cube ready on the side
The broadcaster’s voice remains calm
About how many could die
Jason’s looking at his Huawei phone
If he’d open the bottle
She’d have a glass of wine
Remember that bird flu
And the panic about that at the time?
Pandemics happen to other people
Never here and not like that
Something about the way they live, I guess
Like some people eat dog or even cat
It must be dreadful but they’re not like us
And I’m not sure we’d make such of a fuss
It’s like something you’d watch on TV
And it’s spaghetti Bolognese for tea
That’s not normal and our lives are
That’s why we’re watching it from afar
There’s nothing to fear
It couldn’t happen here
Shall we eat in front of the TV?
It’s spaghetti Bolognese for tea
Spaffer fired the starting pistol
On Super Spreader Saturday
Get out and spend your money folks
The pubs are opening today
We don’t know what the R-rate is
But we’ll tell you later
Cos our mates at Deloitte
Own all the data
The landlord with bunting his pub festoons
And Super Spreader Saturday balloons
For the brave, the reckless, the immunes
So Derek is heading off to ‘Spoons
Spaffer cried schools out for summer
On Super Spreader Saturday
A haircut, a haircut, my kingdom for a haircut
The barbershop is open today
We don’t know what the R-rate is
But we’ll let the pub open its door
‘Cos we don’t know what the rules are either
Or even what the rules are for
The landlord with Perspex his pub festoons
And Super Saturday disinfectant fumes
For the illusion that normality resumes
And Derek is heading off to ‘Spoons
If you think they’re stupid, look what the polls now say
About the likelihood of a second wave
The numbers don’t lie and they’ll make you shudder
We’re now more likely to blame each other
The landlord with Perspex his pub festoons
And Super Saturday disinfectant fumes
For the illusion that normality resumes
And Derek is heading off to ‘Spoons
You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Dominic to take a knee
Or any of the three with PPE
You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Jacob not to take a nap
Or any of that world beating crap
You can’t trust anything they do or say
I never trusted Tories anyway
You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Dominic with an eyetest
You can’t trust Priti in the slightest
You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Rishi with the dinero
Or any of that world-beating crap
Ideology or incompetence, you choose
Whichever way your coin toss lands
It’s heads they win and tails you lose
You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Michael with anything vital
Or any of that world-beating crap
You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Gavin with your schools
You can’t trust this cabinet of fools
You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Grant, you just can’t
And none of that world-beating crap
You can’t trust anything they do or say
I never trusted Tories anyway
You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Michael with anything vital
Or any of that world-beating crap
Statues don’t teach history
They’ll tell you more about the folk that erected em
A twisted sense of victory
And limited love for those that elected ‘em
When Edward Colston got hoyed into the oggin
By a Black Lives Matter demo to be fair
That’s history in the making
That’s history being made right there
When all this is over
And we’re mourning our family and friends
We’re gonna build a statue of Boris Johnson
And chuck it straight in the Thames
He follows the science but only when the science
Tells him what he wants to hear
Like someone took the black lives report
And made several sections disappear
What would you expect from Picaninnies Johnson?
Elevated to the top job
Then coming over all bewildered schoolboy
Surprised by the virus and the braying mob
When all this is over
And we’re mourning our family and friends
We’re gonna build a statue of Boris Johnson
And chuck it straight in the Thames
Not on his watch but no justice for Grenfell
Three years on and the cladding’s not gone
And the number of deaths from COVID 19
Should be an embarrassment to anyone
22 days of dither and delay
He says he’s proud, it’s jaw-dropping
What’s the strategy now Mr Johnson?
He says you should all look forward to going shopping
When all this is over
And we’re mourning our family and friends
We’re gonna build a statue of Boris Johnson
And chuck it straight in the Thames
The latest so-called expert
With influence to exert
On a virus to be beat
To lift the country to its feet
Is a Johnson cheerleader
And a former Tory leader
With a trail of bodies of his own
The latest interjection
To influence our direction
Crying what about business
And economic fitness
Led the DWP
Attack on disability
And has a trail of bodies of his own
The latest politician
On an ideological mission
To put the money first
And let the people come of worse
Says one metre will do
Between me and you
Has a trail of bodies of his own
So, when the spin comes in
And the lobbying begins
Think about the man
Understand where he stands
Take his deeds with
The words of Ian Duncan Smith
Who left a trail of bodies of his own
How’s your anosmia?
How are your critical faculties?
How’s your sense of taste and smell?
Can you face up to some realities?
Have you worked out why black lives matter yet?
Why Colston’s head had to hit the deck?
He’s in the river now
The man made his money out of trading slaves
Imagine walking past that every day
Imagine living in a society
That still celebrates guys like these
So have you worked out why black lives matter yet?
Why Colston’s head had to hit the deck?
He’s in the river now
How’s your anosmia?
How’s your critical thinking?
How’s your sense of taste and smell?
Is George Floyd’s death starting to sink in?
Have you worked out why black lives matter yet?
Why Colston’s head had to hit the deck?
He’s in the river now
Oh you only like protest that’s achingly polite
You don’t like it when police and protesters fight
It doesn’t matter to you who brought the provocation
It’s enough to fuel your indignation
You’ve stopped worrying if black lives matter yet
You’re mad that Colston’s head has hit the deck
Well, he’s in the river now
The man made his money out of trading slaves
Imagine walking past that every day
Imagine living in a society
That still celebrates guys like these
So have you worked out why black lives matter yet?
Why Colston’s head had to hit the deck?
He’s in the river now
Sometimes you don’t get by asking nicely
Even if you frame your demands precisely
Sometimes the state will respond with violence
If they disapprove of your lack of silence
Have you worked out why black lives matter yet?
Why Colston’s head had to hit the deck?
He’s in the river now
The man made his money out of trading slaves
Imagine walking past that every day
Imagine living in a society
That still celebrates guys like these
So have you worked out why black lives matter yet?
Why Colston’s head had to hit the deck?
He’s in the river now
You’ll need a big fridge to hide Johnson in,
You’ll need a much bigger one for the trail of bodies that he’s left behind.
The worst prime minister in history
Tells parliament to consider the carnage to be a source of pride.
Don’t ask about the new normal,
The new normal is worried about breathing,
The new normal is a daily government briefing
To announce how many they killed today
And didn’t they all do well, hooray!
Here’s the new normal.
You’ll need a big fridge to hide Johnson in
But there’s a circus of liars to fill in the gaps while he runs and hides.
To tell you all how well they’re all doing
With the death toll rising nicely pictured on coloured slides.
Don’t ask about the new normal,
The new normal is worried about breathing,
The new normal is a daily government briefing,
To announce how many they killed today
And didn’t they all do well, hooray!
Here’s the new normal.
Turning people into bodies,
Turning bodies into numbers,
Turning numbers into charts,
Turning charts into soundbites,
Turning soundbites into slogans,
Here’s the new normal.
Don’t ask about the new normal,
The new normal is worried about breathing,
The new normal is a daily government briefing,
To announce how many they killed today
And didn’t they all do well, hooray!
