Category: Lyrics

My COVID Discount

I’m heading off down the Mount
I’m checking my bank account
I’m going for a meal out
With my COVID discount

Rishi said for 13 days in August
A discount of up to a tenner a head
If you want to redeem you must
Sit in when you break your bread

I’m heading off down the Mount
I’m checking my bank account
I’m going for a meal out
With my COVID discount

It’s like herd immunity didn’t happen
To quite enough of the herd
So get your best togs and get your slap on
And get those aerosol drops transferred

I’m heading off down the Mount
I’m checking my bank account
I’m going for a meal out
With my COVID discount

Rishi said Eat Out to Help Out
Check your local restaurant out
Gotta get yourselves out and about
Ride the economic roundabout

I’m heading off down the Mount
I’m checking my bank account
I’m going for a meal out
With my COVID discount

 

by Categories: COVID-19, Lyrics, SteveTags: , , , , 1 Comment

Coronavirus 1-0 Bolsonaro

“I’m well, normal” said the man in the mask
Has he ever been normal? Don’t ask
And the trip to Bahia is off
Cos the president has got a cough

It’s just a little flu
Even if I were to get ill
Now it’s Coronavirus one
Bolsonaro nil
Bolsonaro nil
Bolsonaro nil

A captain with athletic history
65 thousand dead, no mystery
Said the virus is unstoppable
In fact, it’s 70% probable

So he ain’t gonna do nothing……

It’s just a little flu
Even if I were to get ill
Now it’s Coronavirus one
Bolsonaro nil
Bolsonaro nil
Bolsonaro nil

Anti-malarials and antibiotics
He’s had to admit “Yeah, I got it”
Hugged the ambassador without regret
Todd Adams ain’t showing virus symptoms
Yet…..

It’s just a little flu
Even if I were to get ill
Now it’s Coronavirus one
Bolsonaro nil
Bolsonaro nil
Bolsonaro nil

by Categories: COVID-19, Lyrics, SteveTags: , , , , , 1 Comment

Spaghetti Bolognese (A Very English Tea)

I thought that the COVID-19 songs could do with starting before the Quarantine the Queen and should probably introduce Joanna and Jason earlier, so here they are pre-lockdown in times we would have referred to as normal.

Joanna’s in the kitchen
Chopping onions, peeling garlic
Watching the news by the way
Deserted streets, men in hazmat suits
In a city far, far away

She’s got carrots and celery
A good sauce to hide veg in
Wuhan or something like that
Looking like a scene in a disaster movie
She couldn’t point to on a map

Jason puts the kettle on
It’s too early for wine
He might save it for the weekend anyway
Says what’s that you’re watching love?
It all looks a bit doomsday

Pandemics happen to other people
Other cultures, other countries
Something about the way they live, I guess
Without trying to put it bluntly
It must be dreadful but they’re not like us
I’m not sure we’d make such a fuss
It’s like something you’d watch on TV
And it’s spaghetti Bolognese for tea

She’s frying off the mince
There’s a tin of tomatoes
And a stock cube ready on the side
The broadcaster’s voice remains calm
About how many could die

Jason’s looking at his Huawei phone
If he’d open the bottle
She’d have a glass of wine
Remember that bird flu
And the panic about that at the time?

Pandemics happen to other people
Never here and not like that
Something about the way they live, I guess
Like some people eat dog or even cat
It must be dreadful but they’re not like us
And I’m not sure we’d make such of a fuss
It’s like something you’d watch on TV
And it’s spaghetti Bolognese for tea

That’s not normal and our lives are
That’s why we’re watching it from afar
There’s nothing to fear
It couldn’t happen here
Shall we eat in front of the TV?
It’s spaghetti Bolognese for tea

by Categories: COVID-19, Lyrics, SteveTags: , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Super Spreader Saturday

Spaffer fired the starting pistol
On Super Spreader Saturday
Get out and spend your money folks
The pubs are opening today
We don’t know what the R-rate is
But we’ll tell you later
Cos our mates at Deloitte
Own all the data

The landlord with bunting his pub festoons
And Super Spreader Saturday balloons
For the brave, the reckless, the immunes
So Derek is heading off to ‘Spoons

Spaffer cried schools out for summer
On Super Spreader Saturday
A haircut, a haircut, my kingdom for a haircut
The barbershop is open today
We don’t know what the R-rate is
But we’ll let the pub open its door
‘Cos we don’t know what the rules are either
Or even what the rules are for

The landlord with Perspex his pub festoons
And Super Saturday disinfectant fumes
For the illusion that normality resumes
And Derek is heading off to ‘Spoons

If you think they’re stupid, look what the polls now say
About the likelihood of a second wave
The numbers don’t lie and they’ll make you shudder
We’re now more likely to blame each other

The landlord with Perspex his pub festoons
And Super Saturday disinfectant fumes
For the illusion that normality resumes
And Derek is heading off to ‘Spoons

 

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Derek and the Germans

Derek’s slagging off the Germans
Derek’s bursting with national pride
He doesn’t want us to be the worst ‘uns
He doesn’t want to count how many died

Derek’s slagging off the Germans
Derek reckons they’re due a second wave
He’s a flags and statues kinda person
With a blind eye for the failing UK

Derek’s slagging off the Germans
It’s patriotic, he explains
It’s your country of birth that determines
Who you support come what may

Derek’s slagging off the Germans
And women too by using that phrase
It’s another of Derek’s little sermons
And Angela’s getting it both ways

And I don’t suppose Derek will ever see
A pragmatic centrist such as she
Is exactly the politician that he craves
If he could only see past the flag he waves

Derek’s slagging off the Germans
Derek voted conservative
Derek’s vote helped determine
The pandemic mess that we’re now in

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Trust

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Dominic to take a knee
Or any of the three with PPE

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Jacob not to take a nap
Or any of that world beating crap

You can’t trust anything they do or say
I never trusted Tories anyway

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Dominic with an eyetest
You can’t trust Priti in the slightest

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Rishi with the dinero
Or any of that world-beating crap

Ideology or incompetence, you choose
Whichever way your coin toss lands
It’s heads they win and tails you lose

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Michael with anything vital
Or any of that world-beating crap

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Gavin with your schools
You can’t trust this cabinet of fools

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Grant, you just can’t
And none of that world-beating crap

You can’t trust anything they do or say
I never trusted Tories anyway

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Michael with anything vital
Or any of that world-beating crap

by Categories: COVID-19, Lyrics, SteveTags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Farmer Dom

Here’s Farmer Dom and his field full of data
Gather it all up, sell it on later
But Farmer Dom’s harvest went wrong
Cos nobody trusts Farmer Dom

Farmer Steve offered his assistance
But Farmer Steve encountered resistance
Farmer Steve said there’s a safer way
But Farmer Dom told him to go away

Here’s Farmer Dom and his field full of data
Gather it all up, sell it on later
But Farmer Dom’s harvest went wrong
Cos nobody trusts Farmer Dom

Farmer Larry said I can help too
You don’t need to do anything brand new
But Farmer Larry’s help stayed on the shelf
Cos Farmer Dom wants the harvest to himself

Here’s Farmer Dom and his field full of data
Gather it all up, sell it on later
But Farmer Dom’s harvest went wrong
Cos nobody trusts Farmer Dom

 

by Categories: COVID-19, Lyrics, SteveTags: , , , , , , , 1 Comment

The Rights of Dogs

It’s a shorter briefing,
They are these days;
No scientists, ratings are down.
Jason’s convinced it’s deliberate.
“Nothing good to say
And they’re shit at saying it.”
Jason says.

Joanna’s just grateful that it’s over,
She doesn’t like the effect that it has on him.
She expected nothing but lies and avoidance
But it drives him mad.
“They’re politicians
What do you expect?”
Joanna says.

It’s got to the point
That they’re discussing public toilets,
Honestly the best question
That the press have got today.
“People are dying
And they’ve stopped being sorry.”
Jason says.

She sighs.
She’s just grateful he missed the early news.
Michael Gove:
“Nous défendons toujours les droits des chiens”
Dogs.
She misses her dog.
She doesn’t say it.

You learn less
Every time you tune in,
Their arrogance grows
As public interest wanes.
“Why don’t we go for a walk?
Or maybe just talk?”
Joanna says.

But there’s the press conference
Then there’s the analysis.
At least racist Farage
Ain’t on anymore.
“I’ll just listen to this bit
It might be important.”
Jason says.

It won’t be.
It hasn’t been for a while.
“Maybe tomorrow then.”
Joanna says.

 

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A Statue of Boris Johnson

Statues don’t teach history
They’ll tell you more about the folk that erected em
A twisted sense of victory
And limited love for those that elected ‘em
When Edward Colston got hoyed into the oggin
By a Black Lives Matter demo to be fair
That’s history in the making
That’s history being made right there

When all this is over
And we’re mourning our family and friends
We’re gonna build a statue of Boris Johnson
And chuck it straight in the Thames

He follows the science but only when the science
Tells him what he wants to hear
Like someone took the black lives report
And made several sections disappear
What would you expect from Picaninnies Johnson?
Elevated to the top job
Then coming over all bewildered schoolboy
Surprised by the virus and the braying mob

When all this is over
And we’re mourning our family and friends
We’re gonna build a statue of Boris Johnson
And chuck it straight in the Thames

Not on his watch but no justice for Grenfell
Three years on and the cladding’s not gone
And the number of deaths from COVID 19
Should be an embarrassment to anyone
22 days of dither and delay
He says he’s proud, it’s jaw-dropping
What’s the strategy now Mr Johnson?
He says you should all look forward to going shopping

When all this is over
And we’re mourning our family and friends
We’re gonna build a statue of Boris Johnson
And chuck it straight in the Thames

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Iain Duncan Smith Intervenes

The latest so-called expert
With influence to exert
On a virus to be beat
To lift the country to its feet
Is a Johnson cheerleader
And a former Tory leader
With a trail of bodies of his own

The latest interjection
To influence our direction
Crying what about business
And economic fitness
Led the DWP
Attack on disability
And has a trail of bodies of his own

The latest politician
On an ideological mission
To put the money first
And let the people come of worse
Says one metre will do
Between me and you
Has a trail of bodies of his own

So, when the spin comes in
And the lobbying begins
Think about the man
Understand where he stands
Take his deeds with
The words of Ian Duncan Smith
Who left a trail of bodies of his own

 

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