The Rights of Dogs

It’s a shorter briefing,
They are these days;
No scientists, ratings are down.
Jason’s convinced it’s deliberate.
“Nothing good to say
And they’re shit at saying it.”
Jason says.

Joanna’s just grateful that it’s over,
She doesn’t like the effect that it has on him.
She expected nothing but lies and avoidance
But it drives him mad.
“They’re politicians
What do you expect?”
Joanna says.

It’s got to the point
That they’re discussing public toilets,
Honestly the best question
That the press have got today.
“People are dying
And they’ve stopped being sorry.”
Jason says.

She sighs.
She’s just grateful he missed the early news.
Michael Gove:
“Nous défendons toujours les droits des chiens”
Dogs.
She misses her dog.
She doesn’t say it.

You learn less
Every time you tune in,
Their arrogance grows
As public interest wanes.
“Why don’t we go for a walk?
Or maybe just talk?”
Joanna says.

But there’s the press conference
Then there’s the analysis.
At least racist Farage
Ain’t on anymore.
“I’ll just listen to this bit
It might be important.”
Jason says.

It won’t be.
It hasn’t been for a while.
“Maybe tomorrow then.”
Joanna says.

 

A Statue of Boris Johnson

Statues don’t teach history
They’ll tell you more about the folk that erected em
A twisted sense of victory
And limited love for those that elected ‘em
When Edward Colston got hoyed into the oggin
By a Black Lives Matter demo to be fair
That’s history in the making
That’s history being made right there

When all this is over
And we’re mourning our family and friends
We’re gonna build a statue of Boris Johnson
And chuck it straight in the Thames

He follows the science but only when the science
Tells him what he wants to hear
Like someone took the black lives report
And made several sections disappear
What would you expect from Picaninnies Johnson?
Elevated to the top job
Then coming over all bewildered schoolboy
Surprised by the virus and the braying mob

When all this is over
And we’re mourning our family and friends
We’re gonna build a statue of Boris Johnson
And chuck it straight in the Thames

Not on his watch but no justice for Grenfell
Three years on and the cladding’s not gone
And the number of deaths from COVID 19
Should be an embarrassment to anyone
22 days of dither and delay
He says he’s proud, it’s jaw-dropping
What’s the strategy now Mr Johnson?
He says you should all look forward to going shopping

When all this is over
And we’re mourning our family and friends
We’re gonna build a statue of Boris Johnson
And chuck it straight in the Thames

Iain Duncan Smith Intervenes

The latest so-called expert
With influence to exert
On a virus to be beat
To lift the country to its feet
Is a Johnson cheerleader
And a former Tory leader
With a trail of bodies of his own

The latest interjection
To influence our direction
Crying what about business
And economic fitness
Led the DWP
Attack on disability
And has a trail of bodies of his own

The latest politician
On an ideological mission
To put the money first
And let the people come of worse
Says one metre will do
Between me and you
Has a trail of bodies of his own

So, when the spin comes in
And the lobbying begins
Think about the man
Understand where he stands
Take his deeds with
The words of Ian Duncan Smith
Who left a trail of bodies of his own

 

Another Day, Another Press Conference

Can we have the first slide please?
It’s Hancock so it must be Thursday
But it could be Monday or Tuesday
It’s another day but the same disease

Can we have the first slide please?
This one shows lies, as you can see
It continues to rise, exponentially
It’s our one area of expertise

Can we have the first slide please?
It’s Hancock so it must be Thursday
But it could be Monday or Tuesday
It’s another day but the same disease

Can we have the next one please?
This one shows complacency
That we’ll display quite shamelessly
While easing the lockdown aimlessly

Can we have the first slide please?
It’s Hancock so it must be Thursday
But it could be Monday or Tuesday
It’s another day but the same disease

And here’s what the data tells us
With the scientists here to help us
It was business that compelled us
To let the virus overwhelm us

Can we have the final slide?
The one that shows how many died
The one that lacks the interventions
The one with all the unanswered questions

Can we have the first slide please?
It’s Hancock so it must be Thursday
But it could be Monday or Tuesday
It’s another day but the same disease

 

Edward Colston 1636-1721 (He’s in the River Now)

How’s your anosmia?
How are your critical faculties?
How’s your sense of taste and smell?
Can you face up to some realities?
Have you worked out why black lives matter yet?
Why Colston’s head had to hit the deck?
He’s in the river now

The man made his money out of trading slaves
Imagine walking past that every day
Imagine living in a society
That still celebrates guys like these
So have you worked out why black lives matter yet?
Why Colston’s head had to hit the deck?
He’s in the river now

How’s your anosmia?
How’s your critical thinking?
How’s your sense of taste and smell?
Is George Floyd’s death starting to sink in?
Have you worked out why black lives matter yet?
Why Colston’s head had to hit the deck?
He’s in the river now

Oh you only like protest that’s achingly polite
You don’t like it when police and protesters fight
It doesn’t matter to you who brought the provocation
It’s enough to fuel your indignation
You’ve stopped worrying if black lives matter yet
You’re mad that Colston’s head has hit the deck
Well, he’s in the river now

The man made his money out of trading slaves
Imagine walking past that every day
Imagine living in a society
That still celebrates guys like these
So have you worked out why black lives matter yet?
Why Colston’s head had to hit the deck?
He’s in the river now

Sometimes you don’t get by asking nicely
Even if you frame your demands precisely
Sometimes the state will respond with violence
If they disapprove of your lack of silence
Have you worked out why black lives matter yet?
Why Colston’s head had to hit the deck?
He’s in the river now

The man made his money out of trading slaves
Imagine walking past that every day
Imagine living in a society
That still celebrates guys like these
So have you worked out why black lives matter yet?
Why Colston’s head had to hit the deck?
He’s in the river now

 

Here’s the New Normal

 

You’ll need a big fridge to hide Johnson in,
You’ll need a much bigger one for the trail of bodies that he’s left behind.
The worst prime minister in history
Tells parliament to consider the carnage to be a source of pride.

Don’t ask about the new normal,
The new normal is worried about breathing,
The new normal is a daily government briefing
To announce how many they killed today
And didn’t they all do well, hooray!

Here’s the new normal.

You’ll need a big fridge to hide Johnson in
But there’s a circus of liars to fill in the gaps while he runs and hides.
To tell you all how well they’re all doing
With the death toll rising nicely pictured on coloured slides.

Don’t ask about the new normal,
The new normal is worried about breathing,
The new normal is a daily government briefing,
To announce how many they killed today
And didn’t they all do well, hooray!

Here’s the new normal.

Turning people into bodies,
Turning bodies into numbers,
Turning numbers into charts,
Turning charts into soundbites,
Turning soundbites into slogans,
Here’s the new normal.

Don’t ask about the new normal,
The new normal is worried about breathing,
The new normal is a daily government briefing,
To announce how many they killed today
And didn’t they all do well, hooray!

Here’s the new normal.

8 Minutes 46 Seconds

It took eight minutes and forty-six seconds
For Derek Chauvin to kill George Floyd
Black folks killed by racist police
A conversation that the nation can no longer avoid

Having to explain why black lives matter
To the colour-blinds and the don’t-want-to-listens
While righteous anger boils over in the streets
‘Cos it’s not even equality, it’s a fight for existence

The Racist-in-Chief threatens vicious dogs
Accompanied by ominous weapons
Summoning the far-white militia crowd
A long hot summer definitely beckons

From Blackout Tuesday to Stand Up Wednesday
How many deaths? How much longer?
From burn it up to resist the clampdown
Take a knee, together we’re stronger

It took eight minutes and forty-six seconds
For Derek Chauvin to kill George Floyd
Who wants to argue that oppression of a black man
Protects the status quo by which he’s employed?

Having to explain why black lives matter
To the colour-blinds and the head-in-the-sanders
Hiding behind all lives matter
Happy to be disapproving bystanders

The Racist-in-Chief threatens the National Guard
Accompanied by heavy arms
A nod and a wink to the KKK
Hands up don’t shoot still won’t prevent harm

From Blackout Tuesday to Stand Up Wednesday
How many deaths? How much longer?
From burn it up to resist the clampdown
Take a knee, together we’re stronger

A solidarity message from the football club
Sentiments you share with your mates down the pub
Be honest about privilege, be honest about race
Together we can make the world a better place

It took eight minutes and forty-six seconds
For Derek Chauvin to kill George Floyd
A simple demand to lend your voice
And end to racism, justice for George

Derek

Derek thinks that the lockdown’s over
Derek says get on with recovery
Derek’s got the phone-in on the blower
Derek won’t buy anything Chinese

Derek thinks Cummings should’ve got the sack
Derek voted to take control back
Derek has faith in the British public
Derek doesn’t know anyone that’s been sick

Derek doesn’t get it, though he sometimes might
Derek’s mostly wrong but occasionally right
He’s casually racist, not politically correct
Derek still had a vote last time I checked

Derek is a fan of strong leadership
Derek now thinks that Johnson will fail
If he supports an advisor who’s a liar, which
Is as welcome in Clacton as a beached whale

Derek doesn’t get it, though he sometimes might
Derek’s mostly wrong but occasionally right
He’s casually racist, not politically correct
Derek still had a vote last time I checked

He says if the virus don’t get him, something else will
As he rolls another fag and throws a burger on the grill
Derek says the risks are overrated
But he’ll follow the rules that’ve been promulgated

And he’s a regular caller to the Farage show
From the confines of his seaside bungalow
Nigel says it and Derek agrees
And Derek won’t buy anything Chinese

Derek doesn’t get it, though he sometimes might
Derek’s mostly wrong but occasionally right
He’s casually racist, not politically correct
Derek still had a vote last time I checked

Barbecue Season

I’ve been waiting so long
But now I’m asking myself
How patient am I supposed to be?
Pacing the floor in
This place we call home
That’s starting to feel like captivity

There’s a dent in the chair
Where I sit all day
It’s what’s called working from home
Answer an email
Go internet shopping
Making the most of your furlough

The smoke in the air says
It’s barbecue season
But I don’t really want to eat
Invite your six friends
Into the garden
To try to stay apart six feet

The voice on the telly
Spoke the new normal
Whatever that’s supposed to be
Getting too used to
The dead and the dying
Is that what they mean by Level 3?

The smoke in the air says
It’s barbecue season
But I don’t really want to eat
Invite your six friends
Into the garden
To try to stay apart six feet

My neighbour said
I should be at work
Like Nick Ferrari on LBC
Suck it up
Don’t be lazy
Roll up your sleeves for the economy

The smoke in the air says
It’s barbecue season
But I don’t really want to eat
Invite your six friends
Into the garden
To try to stay apart six feet

The smoke in the air says
It’s barbecue season
But I don’t really want to eat
I really don’t see
How we’re gonna do it
How are we gonna stay apart six feet?

 

Hey, Dido!

Hey Dido,
How’s the track and trace going?
We hear that your site crashed on its very first day.
And Dido, we hear that you were supposed to get the app first anyway.
Dido, are you covering for Dom? You weren’t supposed to start ‘til Monday

Hey Dido,
How’s the track and trace going?
We hear that your staff have had very little training
After you got them in with your last-minute recruitment campaigning
And Dido, you must know that public confidence is waning?

Hey Dido,
How’s the track and trace going?
We hear that you’re gonna be the one to blame
And Dido, who was it that came up with that awful name?
You must know that most people fail at the Whackamole game

Hey Dido,
How’s the track and trace going?
Is it true you have no medical expertise?
But Dido, you were CEO of a telecoms company
And Dido, is it true that you’re married to a Tory MP?

Damn