Van-Tam’s a football fan
It’s Boston United for the government’s man.
That’s why he helped them to decide
To allow you games of three-a-side.
He hopes it’ll help you to keep fit
If you don’t tear the pants out if it.
Tag: writing
A Daily Mail Poll
Did Cummings act responsibly
Legally, or with integrity?
70% of respondents disagree.
And 63% of answers back
Said that Johnson should’ve given him the sack,
While 66% of readers think it’s time
For Dominic Cummings to resign.
66% said he’s telling lies,
82% said he should apologise
And 78% surmise
That he didn’t drive to Barnard Castle to test his eyes.
Now, 70% of people polled agree
That it’s one rule for them and one for me.
Who expected condemnation on this scale
From the readership of the Daily Mail?
Dominic Ran Away (Again)
Away run away and advisor fleet of feet
Bag over his shoulder he fled Downing Street
Away run away keep the media at bay
Cos Dominic Cummings upped and ran away
Dominic kept running ‘til he got to Durham Town
In defiance of the rule of law and the lockdown
With his wife and his son, they hit the motorway
So, who did Dominic infect along the way?
Away run away and advisor fleet of feet
Bag over his shoulder he fled Downing Street
Away run away keep the media at bay
Cos Dominic Cummings upped and ran away
On the 30th of March they said that he was ill
With a fortnight’s isolation at home to fulfil
Now, in Westminster the rules are all well known
But soon he was sighted at his parents’ home
Away run away and advisor fleet of feet
Bag over his shoulder he fled Downing Street
Away run away keep the media at bay
Cos Dominic Cummings upped and ran away
His wife said he lay doggo and his muscles they did twitch
But was silent on the secret of their location switch
Ten days of fever and of lockdown fourteen
But on the 12th he was in Barnard Castle seen
Away run away and advisor fleet of feet
Bag over his shoulder he fled Downing Street
Away run away keep the media at bay
Cos Dominic Cummings upped and ran away
Soon fit and well he was back at Downing Street
Assuming that his trip up north had been discreet
But another demonstration that he holds you in disdain
He was seen on the 19th back in Durham Town again
Away run away and advisor fleet of feet
Bag over his shoulder he fled Downing Street
Away run away keep the media at bay
Cos Dominic Cummings upped and ran away
Herd Immunity Cummings (Gets Caught Breaking the Rules)
Herd Immunity Cummings
Running all the way from Downing Street to Durham
Herd Immunity Coughing Cummings
With his wife and son, heading up the M1
Herd Immunity Cummings
Driving up the motorway thinks he’s got the virus
Like Mrs Herd Immunity Cummings
They both know they are breaking the guidance
Herd Immunity Cummings
King of the slogan, holds enormous sway
Herd Immunity Get Brexit Done Cummings
Got grassed up to Kuenssberg at the end of May
Herd Immunity Cummings
This time might just’ve got himself bitten
Perhaps Herd Immunity If He Lost His Job Cummings
Could Take Back Control and Pick For Britain.
Swimming With Sharks
The scientists had a meeting
Away from SAGE and Cummings’ aides
We’re logical folk unaccustomed to cheating
But there’s some things we need to say
Did you hear Therese Coffey the other day
“If the advice was wrong, it’s ‘cos the science was wrong”
Colleagues that just isn’t OK
It’s time for us to start being strong
Swimming with sharks
We’re swimming with sharks
Swimming with sharks
We’re swimming with sharks
Not just her, they’re all the same
Hancock keeps saying he followed the science
Here it comes: The blame game
They’re going to claim innocent compliance
Swimming with sharks
We’re swimming with sharks
Swimming with sharks
We’re swimming with sharks
So, who here wants to take the blame
For the care home catastrophe?
Because it’s us they’ll happily defame
But it wasn’t you and it wasn’t me
Swimming with sharks
We’re swimming with sharks
Swimming with sharks
We’re swimming with sharks
We’re up against the spin machine
We’ll need a slogan to survive
One that won’t keep their hands clean
Here’s one we can try:
Scientists advise, politicians decide
Scientists advise, politicians decide
Scientists advise, politicians decide
Scientists advise, politicians decide
Swimming with sharks
We’re swimming with sharks
Swimming with sharks
We’re swimming with sharks
(Anyone got the number of a marine biologist?)
World-Beating
Our world-beating tests are world-beating late
And for our world-beating app there’s a world-beating wait.
At our world-beating briefing our world-beating experts say
That they world-beating didn’t need the app anyway.
Our world-beating Hancock says our world-beating track ‘n’ traces
Would work world-beating best with fewer world-beating cases
And our world-beating level’s nearly at a world-beating three
While we’ve given up talking about our world-beating PPE.
Meanwhile, world-beating Wednesday’s the new world-beating weekend
And all our world-beating punters have gone to world-beating Southend.
Five Tests
Joanna’s trying to listen to the press conference
Jason’s chatting ‘bout Brexit but it’s getting tense
Quiet she says before I lose my tolerance
I don’t understand this rule
I don’t want Mum going back to work in that school
He says it’s just another day to bury bad news
If you were in Ireland, you might have a different view
If we don’t pay attention there’s a lot to lose
She says I can’t think about that now it’s cruel
I’m too worried ‘bout Mum going back to that school
Five tests
They keep talking ‘bout five tests
They keep talking ‘bout five tests
But I can’t tell what they’ve met
You know her health’s not good but she’s not protected
So, you’ll forgive me if I’m a little disconnected
Heaven help her if she got infected
And she can only see her grandkids on Zoom
But they’re making her go back to work in that school
Five tests
They keep talking ‘bout five tests
They keep talking ‘bout five tests
But I can’t tell what they’ve met
He said yeah, I hear you I know what they’re like
They’ll risk the economy against a second spike
Hopefully the teachers will all go on strike
Don’t listen to that Dowden fool
No one wants your mum back to work in that school
(Not ‘til she’s ready)
Five tests
They keep talking ‘bout five tests
They keep talking ‘bout five tests
But I can’t tell what they’ve met
Five tests
They keep talking ‘bout five tests
They keep talking ‘bout five tests
But I can’t tell what they’ve met
Has Anybody Checked the Fridge?
A response to yesterday’s poem:
Where Is Mr Johnson?
Another evening with Dominic
Or Alok Sharma or Rob Jenrick.
It’s a while since he was booking off sick
So, where is Mr Johnson?
Another press conference, he’s unseen.
Are they trying to keep the PM clean?
These days we see more of the Queen.
So, where is Mr Johnson?
Not a big enough headline for the headline act?
Not willing to talk on the plan he backed?
Or the fact we still don’t trace or track?
Where is Mr Johnson?
Why don’t the press ask this as well
As questions about the care bombshell?
Have they lost their sense of smell?
Where is Mr Johnson?
Work Is Safe (Tell ‘Em)
Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe
Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe
Gove said that he can guarantee
Your total in-school safety
Then he said that nothing’s ever safe
Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe
Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe
A key part of his calculation
Is that the kids stay in formation
Like they would actually stay six feet apart
Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe
Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe
Breathing is safer than talking
Talking is safer than walking and talking
And breathing and talking
And walking and talking
Are all safer than singing
And singing’s safer than coughing
And coughing’s safer than sneezing
So, if you’re sneezing and you’re coughing
And you’re coughing and you’re singing
And you’re singing and you’re walking
And you’re walking and you’re talking
And you’re talking and you’re breathing
Don’t let the risks accumulate
Don’t add the risks you have to take
To the risks that you don’t have to take
Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe
Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe
Gove said that he can guarantee
Your total in-school safety
Then he said that nothing’s ever safe
Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe
Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe
The other thing that they advise
To radically reduce class size
No one knows where the extra classrooms are
Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe
Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe
Breathing is safer than talking
Talking is safer than walking and talking
And breathing and talking
And walking and talking
Are all safer than singing
And singing’s safer than coughing
And coughing’s safer than sneezing
So, if you’re sneezing and you’re coughing
And you’re coughing and you’re singing
And you’re singing and you’re walking
And you’re walking and you’re talking
And you’re talking and you’re breathing
Don’t let the risks accumulate
Don’t add the risks you have to take
To the risks that you don’t have to take
Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe
Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe
