It’s happy hour in The New Austerity Inn And there’s still fighting in town You can’t have it if you can’t afford it Rachel doubles down But two for the price of one When you ain’t got the price of one Ain’t helping anyone And it’s not like she can just print money
It was just the same with George behind the jump Gets a wry nod from the snug Now there was a fella with no idea Of how to run a pub
I spoke to a man who said he was a patriot But he didn’t like the country much He said he wasn’t a racist, but And we really didn’t get past the but Because he was retweeting Robinson And Nigel Fucking Farage A burning hotel in Rotherham And rioters at large
Sweeping up with a hangover I hear he got a sympathetic ear From Nick Ferrari on LBC GB News and Talk TV
Another bloke said well what do you expect When people ain’t got a thing There’s a burning police car outside And it’s happy hour In The New Austerity Inn
Nick the jolly capitalist is happy to explain How all you need is love and you really shouldn’t complain Because every billionaire has a billionaire dad And love is all you need ‘cause love is all you ever had
Nick the jolly capitalist is happy to explain That cheap and cheerful really is a money-making game So Vimes cannot afford the boots in which he should be stood But a cheap pair every year cost more than good ones ever would
Oh, I wish I was as happy as Nick I wouldn’t have to care about the poor and the sick But I want other folk to be At least as well off as me And while I understand the money trick I’ll never be as happy as Nick
Nick the jolly capitalist is happy to explain How landlords are the ones who really have it all to gain ‘Cause while you pay their mortgages there’s social housing shortages So you should just be grateful they don’t Section 21
Nick the jolly capitalist is happy to explain How shitting in the river is the ultimate aim Because if selling off the water ain’t enough to make you mad Then selling off the NHS won’t seem half as bad
Oh, I wish I was as happy as Nick I wouldn’t have to care about the poor and the sick But I want other folk to be At least as well off as me And while I understand the money trick I’ll never be as happy as Nick
Nick the jolly capitalist is happy to explain How the 7th of October was the start of the campaign Drones and bombs and missiles are a lucrative supply Just requires the application of a little blind eye
Nick the jolly capitalist is happy to explain That when a foodbank opens up he opens up the champagne Because if the poor feed the poor what is the government for But making rick folk richer than they’ve ever been before
Oh, I wish I was as happy as Nick I wouldn’t have to care about the poor and the sick But I want other folk to be At least as well off as me And while I understand the money trick I’ll never be as happy as Nick
Nick the jolly capitalist is happy to explain How all you need is love and you really shouldn’t complain Because every billionaire has a billionaire dad And love is all you need ‘cause love is all you ever had
Oh, I wish I was as happy as Nick I wouldn’t have to care about the poor and the sick But I want other folk to be At least as well off as me And while I understand the money trick I’ll never be as happy as Nick
Refugees on barges Jeering little Farages When Britannia ruled the waves James Bibby was transporting slaves Meanwhile humanitarians Are Nick Ferrari’s enemy
Refugees on prison ships Suella’s bag of cruel tricks Singing Rule Britannia Let’s make you all unhappier Somewhere there’s a statue That needs chucking in the sea
Let’s face this Ferrari’s racist Reductio-ing ad absurdum To define himself a black man Micro-aggressively denying Micro-aggression is a thing And people who look just like him Get to hear as much he’d argue You, you’re not from round here are you National broadcast bigotry Delivered daily on LBC
You can’t take a chicken by surprise, James You can’t take a chicken by surprise Nick don’t care how it dies Nick just likes chicken pies And you can’t take a chicken by surprise
You can’t eat your burger in peace, James You can’t eat your burger in peace Although Nick loves the grease Of the recently deceased You can’t eat your burger in peace
You can’t take your mother to the vets, Ed You can’t take your mother to the vets They might be great with pets But the BMA regrets That you can’t take your mother to the vets
You can’t take a chicken by surprise, James You can’t take a chicken by surprise You might deny their demise As food supply compromise But you can’t take a chicken by surprise
If you were listening to LBC today, you may have heard James O’Brien’s, admittedly unfinished, debate about the relative sentience of cows and chickens as justification for the various methods of their slaughter for food. Earlier, Nick Ferrari was comfortable not really caring how the chicken died so long as he could eat it.
Later on, the conversation in Eddie Mair’s show turned to assisted dying with a caller bemoaning that we treat terminally ill humans worse than we treat their pets.
Downing Street sources surveyed the board and spied no immediate threat: an announcement of a compromise reached on next year’s exam arrangements, expected to be generally well received except by the it-was-harder-in-my-day crowd and the occasional education analyst pointing out that 24 hours isn’t really much of a delay, and a follow-up on the news that the UK, such as she was clinging to being, was the first to declare a vaccine safe to unleash on a coronavirus-riddled public.
They made their move and slid Williamson, a minor piece, into the affray in the centre of the board. Hushed tones, remembering the “shut up and go away” gaffe, pronounced: “Surely, not even he can fuck this one up”. But fuck it up royally (with sovereignty clearly in mind) he did.
Ferrari, his opponent, countered with “Are we first with the vaccine because we Brexited?”, using the less familiar verbal form. Williamson, wise to the trap that had caught Hancock in an earlier game, avoided it but, in so doing, blundered. “We’re the first because we’re the best” came his Trumpian response, “Better than all those other countries” of which he then went on to name a few key allies.
In Downing Street, heads were shaken and Williamson quietly removed from the board before the lunchtime news.
“Brexit Gambit Declined, and still he fucked it up”.
He’s dog-whistling up the news The favourite sport of the populist columnist From The Currant Bun to The News of the Screws The chance to scapegoat’s rarely missed So, ring the show, grass up your neighbours Hold fast the fruits of your own labours Pull up the ladder, lock up your daughters Here come Ferrari’s Furlough Fraudsters
Steve White & The Protest Family 