Month: May 2020

World-Beating

Our world-beating tests are world-beating late
And for our world-beating app there’s a world-beating wait.
At our world-beating briefing our world-beating experts say
That they world-beating didn’t need the app anyway.
Our world-beating Hancock says our world-beating track ‘n’ traces
Would work world-beating best with fewer world-beating cases
And our world-beating level’s nearly at a world-beating three
While we’ve given up talking about our world-beating PPE.

Meanwhile, world-beating Wednesday’s the new world-beating weekend
And all our world-beating punters have gone to world-beating Southend.

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Five Tests

Joanna’s trying to listen to the press conference
Jason’s chatting ‘bout Brexit but it’s getting tense
Quiet she says before I lose my tolerance
I don’t understand this rule
I don’t want Mum going back to work in that school

He says it’s just another day to bury bad news
If you were in Ireland, you might have a different view
If we don’t pay attention there’s a lot to lose
She says I can’t think about that now it’s cruel
I’m too worried ‘bout Mum going back to that school

Five tests
They keep talking ‘bout five tests
They keep talking ‘bout five tests
But I can’t tell what they’ve met

You know her health’s not good but she’s not protected
So, you’ll forgive me if I’m a little disconnected
Heaven help her if she got infected
And she can only see her grandkids on Zoom
But they’re making her go back to work in that school

Five tests
They keep talking ‘bout five tests
They keep talking ‘bout five tests
But I can’t tell what they’ve met

He said yeah, I hear you I know what they’re like
They’ll risk the economy against a second spike
Hopefully the teachers will all go on strike
Don’t listen to that Dowden fool
No one wants your mum back to work in that school
(Not ‘til she’s ready)

Five tests
They keep talking ‘bout five tests
They keep talking ‘bout five tests
But I can’t tell what they’ve met
Five tests
They keep talking ‘bout five tests
They keep talking ‘bout five tests
But I can’t tell what they’ve met

by Categories: COVID-19, Lyrics, SteveTags: , , , , , 1 Comment

When Tories Clap

We’re going to clap you all the way to deportation
We’re going to clap you all the way to your NHS surcharge
We’re going to clap our stance of tough on immigration
‘Cos Priti and the Tories are in charge

We’re going to clap you all the way to the care home
We’re going to clap ourselves for our protective ring
We’re going to clap your opportunity to die alone
‘Cos Matt Hancock didn’t do a thing

This is what happens when Tories clap
This is what happens when Tories clap
This is what happens when Tories clap
Never forget

We’re going to clap you all the way to deportation
We’re going to clap the NHS that you helped to build
We’re going to clap our stance of tough on immigration
‘Cos Priti still reckons you’re unskilled

This is what happens when Tories clap
This is what happens when Tories clap
This is what happens when Tories clap
Never forget

We’re going to clap you all the way to privatisation
We’re going to clap our plans to test, track and trace
We’re going to clap our clever contract allocation
To Matt and Dominic’s bestest mates

This is what happens when Tories clap
This is what happens when Tories clap
This is what happens when Tories clap
(Remember nurses pay?)
Never forget

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Where Is Mr Johnson?

Another evening with Dominic
Or Alok Sharma or Rob Jenrick.
It’s a while since he was booking off sick
So, where is Mr Johnson?

Another press conference, he’s unseen.
Are they trying to keep the PM clean?
These days we see more of the Queen.
So, where is Mr Johnson?

Not a big enough headline for the headline act?
Not willing to talk on the plan he backed?
Or the fact we still don’t trace or track?
Where is Mr Johnson?

Why don’t the press ask this as well
As questions about the care bombshell?
Have they lost their sense of smell?
Where is Mr Johnson?

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Work Is Safe (Tell ‘Em)

Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe
Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe

Gove said that he can guarantee
Your total in-school safety
Then he said that nothing’s ever safe

Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe
Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe

A key part of his calculation
Is that the kids stay in formation
Like they would actually stay six feet apart

Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe
Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe

Breathing is safer than talking
Talking is safer than walking and talking
And breathing and talking
And walking and talking
Are all safer than singing
And singing’s safer than coughing
And coughing’s safer than sneezing
So, if you’re sneezing and you’re coughing
And you’re coughing and you’re singing
And you’re singing and you’re walking
And you’re walking and you’re talking
And you’re talking and you’re breathing

Don’t let the risks accumulate
Don’t add the risks you have to take
To the risks that you don’t have to take

Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe
Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe

Gove said that he can guarantee
Your total in-school safety
Then he said that nothing’s ever safe

Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe
Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe

The other thing that they advise
To radically reduce class size
No one knows where the extra classrooms are

Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe
Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe

Breathing is safer than talking
Talking is safer than walking and talking
And breathing and talking
And walking and talking
Are all safer than singing
And singing’s safer than coughing
And coughing’s safer than sneezing
So, if you’re sneezing and you’re coughing
And you’re coughing and you’re singing
And you’re singing and you’re walking
And you’re walking and you’re talking
And you’re talking and you’re breathing

Don’t let the risks accumulate
Don’t add the risks you have to take
To the risks that you don’t have to take

Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe
Work is safe, tell ‘em work is safe

by Categories: COVID-19, Lyrics, SteveTags: , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

“Leading” Britain’s Conversation

Nigel Farage said just now on LBC
He’d send his kids to school, happily.
But it’s an easy boast to make
When one of them is 28,
One’s 20 and one’s 31.
What’s the betting that the other one
Is not affected by this rule
Because she attends a private school?

 

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Daily Mail: “Let Our Teachers Be Heroes”

The Daily Mail’s not very nice.
Their front page calls for sacrifice
As the author of this piece implies
That they require a teacher dies.
(Like Sarah Baxter in the Times
Whose journalistic crimes
Set her apart from other writers
When she accused the firefighters
At Grenfell of not acting bravely
But being obsessed with health and safety.
Her reasoning, as supplied
Was that not a single one had died).
As for the Mail’s call to glory,
Economics drives this story
And not the benefits to children
Or the risks to those who teach them,
Many of whom, despite all this,
Have been at work throughout the crisis
As there’s no ruling that forbids
The schooling of key workers’ kids.
The lesson is, as ever, clear:
Teachers, hold your union dear
And be around to tell the tale
Of how you beat the Daily Mail.

mail

 

by Categories: COVID-19, poetry, SteveTags: , , , , , 4 Comments

Britain First Want Their Virus Back

Tin foil hat, plastic union jack
Britain First want their virus back
A party in the park for the unbelievers
Some of whom will go home with fevers
Roll up, roll, up, come and see
Their latest conspiracy

Tin foil hat, plastic union jack
Britain First want their virus back
They believe in freedom and sovereignty
They believe in a world that’s vaccine-free
Roll up, roll, up, come and see
Their latest conspiracy

Tin foil hat, plastic union jack
Britain First want their virus back
Attempting poor far-right recruitment
Inventing the UK Freedom Movement
Roll up, roll, up, come and see
Their latest conspiracy

“End the lockdown” say the fash
Come to our Saturday picnic bash
Come and listen to racist speakers
But please try to stay apart two metres
Tin foil hat, plastic union jack
Britain First want their virus back

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Heigh-Ho

We turned on our morning radio show
To hear the traffic was running slow
We really didn’t want to go
On the day Johnson that cried “Heigh-Ho”

There’s a one-way system but the canteen’s shut
And social distancing on site’s full of “but”
Who’s ill here? We don’t want to know
On the day that Johnson cried “Heigh-Ho”

Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho the many for the few
Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho not them but me and you

You should cover your face to get the bus
But it looks like that might be just us
The tube is elbow to elbow
On the day that Johnson cried “Heigh-Ho”

The Commons floor is covered in tape
They’re dialling in to their debates
That’s not an option for many though
On the day that Johnson cried “Heigh-Ho”

Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho the many for the few
Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho not them but me and you

There’s problems at the Blackwall Tunnel
There’s problems on the A13
There’s problems at Canning Town station
We hear police are on the scene

Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho the many for the few
Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho not them but me and you

Life under the curve suggests
That we might not be halfway yet
The numbers are gonna continue grow
On the day that Johnson cried “Heigh-Ho”

Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho the many for the few
Heigh-Ho for shareholder value
Heigh-Ho not them but me and you

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