Knock, Knock!

Like a stopped clock, we kept Piers around
For the odd occasion on which he was right
But knock, knock, it was bound to come on top
And good morning Britain, the cock has taken flight

Now he’s throwing in his lot with the Foxes and the Youngs
Claiming free speech and foul with his forked tongue
And he’ll take his tirade to the anti-woke brigade
And take up sword and shield in Toby’s parade

Knock, knock
We can hear you
Knock, knock
We can still hear you
Knock, knock
We can hear you
You’re tweeting that you’re cancelled, but we can still hear you
Knock, knock

(We’re just choosing not to listen)

Joanne’s got a plan, in which she defines a man
And cancelleramous, there goes another fan
Even Potter can’t stop her now the plots gone bad
And it don’t please her there’s a reader who now wished they never had

Knock, knock
We can hear you
Knock, knock
We can still hear you
Knock, knock
We can hear you
You’re tweeting that you’re cancelled, but we can still hear you
Knock, knock

(We’re just choosing not to listen)

And Laurence lost stock when he got a Twitter block
From a Lewis co-star who thought he was a cock
Shouldn’t be a shock and we should probably thank her
Not on this Fox’s side, he’s an All Lives Matter wanker

Knock, knock
We can hear you
Knock, knock
We can still hear you
Knock, knock
We can hear you
You’re tweeting that you’re cancelled, but we can still hear you
Knock, knock
We can hear you
Knock, knock
We can still hear you
Knock, knock
We can hear you
You’re tweeting that you’re cancelled, but we can still hear you
We’re just choosing not to listen
Knock, knock

Keith Likes It

Spaffer’s got a roadmap
And Keith likes it
A hearty virtual backslap
‘Cos Keith likes it

It’s cautious and irreversible
And Keith likes it
It’s economically purposeful
But educationally unworkable
And Keith likes it

When it comes to dealing with disease
Keith will always aim to please
Even if you’re on your knees
Keith will always say what he sees
And Keith likes it

Keith likes it
Keith likes it
Keith likes it
Keith likes it
Keith likes it

Matt’s got money for his mates
And Keith likes it
Despite the legal mess that it makes
Keith likes it

Priti is waving her flag
And Keith likes it
It’s a look at my patriotism brag
That plays well in the daily rag
And Keith likes it

When it comes to dealing with disease
Keith will always aim to please
Even if you’re on your knees
Keith will always say what he sees
And Keith likes it

Keith likes it
Keith likes it
Keith likes it
Keith likes it
Keith likes it

Free Stuff Jesus

An American friend pinned on a poppy
In fancy dress as an Englishman
Why? said I, well you guys fetishise
That World War Two generation
But only the war bit, man

American friends call us Brexitland
And Australian friends call us Plague Island
While Dr Chris got slapped down rude
Ordering Mexican food

And then Roger died
And all I wanna be is somewhere
Where I can order a drink

An American friend coined Pandexit
Said it’s a matter of time before your man says it
Said you guys like a portmanteau
Like no one else in the world, bro

And then Cush died
And all I wanna be is somewhere
Where I can order a drink

Free stuff Jesus, won’t you lend us a miracle
Free stuff Jesus, won’t you lend us a miracle
Free stuff Jesus, won’t you lend us a miracle
All I wanna be is somewhere
Where I can order a drink

An American friend laughed last and longer
Getting over the line on election day
While the combined archbishoprics
Of Canterbury and York
Called for time to reflect and pray

And then Simon died
And all I wanna be is somewhere
Where I can order a drink

Free stuff Jesus, won’t you lend us a miracle
Free stuff Jesus, won’t you lend us a miracle
Free stuff Jesus, won’t you lend us a miracle
All I wanna be is somewhere
Where I can order a drink

American friends call us Brexitland
And Australian friends call us plague island
So Free stuff Jesus, won’t you lend us a miracle
Free stuff Jesus, won’t you lend us a miracle
Free stuff Jesus, won’t you lend us a miracle
All I wanna be is somewhere
Where I can order a drink

One Zero Zero, Zero Zero Zero

There’s blood on the hands of Boris Johnson
Blood on the hands of Dominic Cummings
Blood on the hands of Therese Coffey
Who says that we’re all to blame

There’s blood on the hands of Matt Hancock
Blood on the hands of Dominic Raab
Blood on the hands of Boris Johnson
For whom it’s always been a game

If most of the people follow most of the rules
Most of the rules most of the time
When the rule makers blame the rule breakers
Whose is the greater crime?

One zero zero
Zero zero zero
He’s sticking firmly to his line
On mistakes, now is not the time

There’s blood on the hands of Boris Johnson
Blood on the hands of Priti Patel
Blood on the hands of Gavin Williamson
And Duncan Smith’s hands as well

If most of the people follow most of the rules
Most of the rules most of the time
When the rule makers blame the rule breakers
Whose is the greater crime?

One zero zero
Zero zero zero
He’s sticking firmly to his line
On mistakes, now is not the time

Cough Away

We’ve been in this pandemic a year or more
Cough away boys, cough away
A global pandemic from shore to shore
Cough away boys, cough away

Cough away, cough away
Cough away boys, cough away
Cough away, cough away
This was all she had to say

Governments respond very differently
Cough away boys, cough away
Based on the fact society
Cough away boys, cough away

We’ve seen just deaths around the world
Cough away boys, cough away
Harrowing death tolls around the world
Cough away boys, cough away

We let the scientists and medics guide us
Cough away boys, cough away
So there’s no single reason for you to chide us
Cough away boys, cough away

The numbers are deeply tragic
Cough away boys, cough away
But it’s still a global pandemic
Cough away boys, cough away

You know in the future we’ll all look back
Cough away boys, cough away
At the could haves the should haves we can’t take back
Cough away boys, cough away

If you think this is a speech with nothing to say
Cough away boys, cough away
It was Priti Patel just the other day
Cough away boys, cough away

Jacob’s Fish Are Happy Fish

Born in Hammersmith
Went to school at Eton
Then Trinity College
Oxford
Presided over the Tory
Association
Went into the City
Started a hedge fund
Amassed what they call
A significant fortune
Estimated worth
150 million
Married into money
Helen The Chair
A mate of his sister’s
Who was always there

Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish

Moved into politics
In ‘97
Didn’t get elected then
Or even at the next ‘un
In Scotland they though he was
Too posh
Canvassing with nanny
Got a resounding 9%
Fuck off, toff
Complained to Piggy Cameron
That his quotas weren’t right
Said parliament oughta be
95% white
Nicked a speech off Trevor Kavanagh
Faked an interview and then
Got a seat in North East Somerset
In 2010

Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish

In parliament he became
King of the filibuster
Thought he was funny
With his history and verse
Holding the record in the Commons
For the longest word spoken
But spoke other words
That were even worse
Addressing members of the far-right
Traditional Britain society
Who would have some of us
Made deportees
And said quarter of a million quid
Spent on MPs portraits
Was just chicken feed

Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish

He got a hand up into government
From a fellow Old Etonian
Leader of the House of Commons, no less
Then was kept away from the mics and the cameras
After he said the Grenfell victims
Lacked common sense
Now , chief Eurosceptic
Out of all the Eurosceptics
Said Trump will be our best ally
After Brexit
He likes Brits to be Brits
And the poor to be poor
And says gay marriage
Still breaks the church’s law

Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish

He broke the lockdown rules
‘Cos he prefers a Latin mass
His relationship with god
Is more important, more pious
Than your relationship
With coronavirus
He wasn’t born to follow
He was born to lead
And his vicious defence of the status quo
Is just born of greed

Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish
Jacob’s fish are happy fish
But Jacob can just fuck off

Right Bullets, Wrong Gun

The right bullets fired from the wrong gun
Will miss their target one by one
There’s only one sharp shot in a Johnson
Now we’ve got the right bullets
In the wrong gun

When the truth as you tell it changes
From sunrise to sunset
When definitely safe means definitely not safe
This is the recoil that you’ll get
And you’re not as persuasive
As your Latin teacher told ya
And you’re relying on a fair wind
To get you that far
When no one believes you know
The what or the how
Not even JVT
Can help you now

The right bullets fired from the wrong gun
Missing their targets one by one
There’s only one sharp shot in a Johnson
It’s the right bullets
In the wrong gun

Don’t say
We are where we are
We are where we are, we are where we are
Where are we?
We are where we are
We are where we are, we are where we are
Don’t say where are we?

When the truth as you tell it changes
From speech to speech and ear to ear
When definitely safe means definitely not safe
This is the recoil that you fear
And you’re not as persuasive
As your Latin teacher told ya
And you’re relying on a fair wind
To get you that far
When no one believes you know
The what or the how
Not even JVT
Can help you now

The right bullets fired from the wrong gun
Missing their targets one by one
There’s only one sharp shot in a Johnson
It’s the right bullets
Fired by the wrong gun

The Golden-Haired Boy

It’s that awkward bit between Christmas and New Year when you’d struggle to find things to fill newspapers with anyway, never mind the pandemic, so one of the leading lights of the Tory press, riffing on the idea of Spaffer’s miracles following his rising from the near dead at Easter, publishes a story about his latest offspring’s wonderous artistic ability. Well, it is Christmas, and a story so preposterous that they couldn’t get a journalist to put their name to it.

It’s the Xmas perineum between the 25th and the 31st
You’ve eaten, drunk and been merry ‘til your fit to burst
There’s no football, no music, no pubs in Tier 4
Not much to do if you step out of your door

Is there anything to look forward to that ain’t austere?

Well, the golden-haired boy, just eight months old
The golden-haired boy, just eight months old
The golden-haired boy, just eight months old
Crafted a hand-painted image
Of a reindeer
Of a reindeer

There’s Driver Tizer lining the hedgerows of the Garden of England
British Variant COVID making its presence felt, and
Miles and miles of queues to get into Dover
Thousands of truckers wishing Christmas was over

Is there any news to help Tories be of good cheer?

Well, there’s a golden-haired boy, just eight months old
There’s a golden-haired boy, just eight months old
There’s a golden-haired boy, just eight months old
Who crafted a hand-painted image
Of a reindeer
Of a reindeer

‘Cos Spaffer might’ve nearly died for your sins
But it’s his miracle child that’s now the thing
With The Telegraph fawning over his painting
He’s clearly the one born to be king

This golden-haired boy, just eight months old
This golden-haired boy, just eight months old
(What number is he again?)
This golden-haired boy, just eight months old
Crafted a hand-painted miracle image
Hand-painted, miracle image
Of a reindeer
Of a reindeer

An Eyeful of Nose

Emma was cold and went shopping for clothes
The heating was broken and she nearly froze
But deficient face coverings wherever she goes
Meant all Emma got was an eyeful of nose

An eyeful of nose, an eyeful of nose
All Emma got was an eyeful of nose
An eyeful of nose, an eyeful of nose
Emma see noses wherever she goes

She went to the market for blankets and throws
Cheaper than fixing the boiler I s’pose
But the trader had bad bits of his face exposed
And all Emma got was an eyeful of nose

An eyeful of nose, an eyeful of nose
All Emma got was an eyeful of nose
An eyeful of nose, an eyeful of nose
Emma see noses wherever she goes

She went to the gym for a downward dog pose
Lots of exposed knees and elbows
In communal areas, face covering’s imposed
But all Emma got was an eyeful of nose

An eyeful of nose, an eyeful of nose
All Emma got was an eyeful of nose
An eyeful of nose, an eyeful of nose
Emma see noses wherever she goes

She went to the florist to buy a nice rose
To cheer up her cold flat and brighten shadows
But the florist’s mask was part in repose
And all Emma got was an eyeful of nose

An eyeful of nose, an eyeful of nose
All Emma got was an eyeful of nose
An eyeful of nose, an eyeful of nose
Emma see noses wherever she goes

Past the fire station at the crossroads
The firefighters were out practising with their hose
With facemasks left off to talk on radios
All Emma got was an eyeful of nose

An eyeful of nose, an eyeful of nose
All Emma got was an eyeful of nose
An eyeful of nose, an eyeful of nose
Emma see noses wherever she goes

She sat on a bench, this rhyme to compose
She’s always preferred a poem to prose
A little tale of face cover ratios
And the day all she got was an eyeful of nose

An eyeful of nose, an eyeful of nose
All Emma got was an eyeful of nose
An eyeful of nose, an eyeful of nose
Emma see noses wherever she goes