His Royal Highness
Dressed to oppress
In his brightest whitest colonial best
Atop a Land Rover owned by Queen Bess
Says I feel sorrow about the slaves
I feel so sorry you feel that way
Britannia rules the waves
Tag: poetry
Evgeny Lebedev
He owns The Grapes, The Evening Standard, a collection of modern art
He owns the i and The Independent, although the Saudis now own part
He had a pet wolf called Boris, named after Yeltsin, they say
He owns a house in the grounds of Hampton Court Palace, and is a Baron of down that way
Yes, he’s the Baron of Hampton, in Richmond-upon-Thames
Because he counts Boris Johnson amongst his friends
(Who overruled concerns about security)
And his dad used to be in the KGB
Derek and the Meerkats
Derek’s boycotting the meerkats
He’s stopped drinking Smirnoff and Coke
He’d never been one for the ballet anyway
He’s never been quite that woke
He’s boycotting Baltika Lager too
Since they stopped selling it in the ‘Spoons
But watching Chelsea on Sky’s okay
Since they split with their Russian tycoons
His missus has got Chicken Kyiv for tea
And told him not to call it Kiev
She should stay out of Holland and Barrett too
At least that’s what the neighbours said
Apparently, their dish gets Russian telly
On the news they called it RT
Derek says it’s alright to just not watch it
If it came with the other channels free
He’s got a knock-off Ukraine football top
Off a bloke with a market stall
And a flag but he’s not sure he’ll fly it
It’s no cross of St. George, after all
He’s a fan of a plucky Ukrainian, mind
He likes it that they’ll stay and fight
Not like them channel dinghy Syrians
Flooding in day and night
It’s not like there’s room in this country
Some fruit picking, but that’s about it
Derek’s boycotting the meerkats
Derek’s doing his bit
Armchair Generals
Armchair generals
Firing other people’s bullets
With other people’s sons
Express sympathy
With the refugee
Who would be welcome here
If they weren’t such a risk to national insecurity
And Lincolnshire is full, says Leigh
Even if they’re willing to pick fruit
What has Liz’s dressing-up box
Got for us today?
Fighter pilot? Tank commander?
Recruiter for La Légion étrangère?
She’s unlikely to dress to protest
Or to campaign against the war
That’s what the other lot are for
The Minister for Instagram will give up glam
But only for a message of might
She wants you to fight
Don’t let her tell you that it’s simple
While the policy to sanction
Fails to seize a single yacht or mansion
Despite the fighting talk
Trying to be the hawkest hawk
It’s easier to call to arms
Than boycott wealthy friends
As a wise man once said
A bayonet is a weapon
With a worker at both ends
Sunflowers
There are tanks at the gates of the city
And in the fear that their presence breeds
Stands a woman confronting the soldiers
Handing out sunflower seeds
This is my city, she tells them
And in this city, we all may die
So, know when you fall for your master’s glory
A sunflower will grow where you lie
There are tanks at the gates of the city
And in the still that all soldiers know
Lies the ground upon which many will fall
And one day sunflowers will grow
War Footing
Spaffer’s on a war footing
Above criticism
Posing for pictures in a fighter plane
Spaffer’s on a war footing
Forget Partygate
It’s war for political advantage
Again
Spaffer’s on a war footing
Appearing Churchillian
When he closes his eyes
To better fantasise
Spaffer’s on a war footing
God help us
It wouldn’t be the first time the bodies piled high
Liz Truss Prepares for War
Listen to me, in my new serious voice,
We’re going to war; we don’t have a choice,
So, here’s a picture of me, with my new serious hair
In a serious tank, while our brave troops prepare.
Pay attention to me and my new serious face,
I’m ready to put Vladimir back in his place
But don’t ask me questions, I’m here to be imperious
And impress upon you that things are very serious,
With my serious voice and my serious hair
Because going to war is a serious affair.
And while I offer the Prime Minister my full support
I’ll be seriously ready when it’s time to cut him short.
Not If
When the cut and thrust of politics is real
When the cut and paste apologies are fake
When facts matter less than what you feel
And truth and lies are given equal weight
When “I get it” and “I’ll fix it” are a sham
When extremists are emboldened by your act
When you genuinely couldn’t give a damn
And your policy does nothing but distract
When you use your privilege to tell a lie
When you prey upon the people’s hopes and fears
When a violent act is something that you buy
Or else incite by very public smears
When contrition is a barely fleeting phase
Before deceitful boasting rears its head once more
When history is written by the days
Each sentence worse than the one before
When you’re leading them without a destination
When you’re leaving them to fend for themselves
When self-confidence is your only salvation
It’s time to start to draft your farewells
When the authorities are knocking at your door
When your champions look the other way
When your last-ditch distraction is a war
Then accept that this big dog has had his day
Spaffer Flies to Ukraine
Spaffer Bodycount’s in the Ukraine
While back home Sue’s not named a name
Nor has Cressida, whose investigative prognosis
Is to name no names in a fixed penalty notice
We now see Save Big Dog in action
A report without need for redaction
Cites numerous cases of bad behaviour
Leadership and judgement failure
Bullying and drinking culture
All the fault of the management structure
Thus, the investigation, admittedly provisional
Finds fault with no named individual
The ensuing debate in Parliament
Saw the speaker end the argument
By throwing the SNP’s Blackford out
With a smirk on Bodycount’s face throughout
The Scotsman’s crime? To tell the truth
Obvious to even the most hapless sleuth
That the PM without doubts
Had once more mislead the house
The rules of Parliament, it transpires
Protect the members from being called liars
With more weight lent to disrespect
Than statements patently correct
While protecting the scoundrel prepared to channel
The ghost of paedophile Jimmy Savile
(Let’s not forget that distain
For investigation of the same
Is what gave Spaffer his name)
But back to the report itself
Before it’s found a convenient shelf
Compiled by the woman responsible
For MP Damien Green’s downfall
When he touched Kate Maltby inappropriately
And used work time to watch pornography
She also did a review, less blue
Of what was said at Plebgate too
But on Partygate she’s circumspect
As we’ve already come to expect
Handing over, on its release,
Responsibility to the police
Who’ve already hinted their intention
Is for names to not be mentioned
So as Save Big Dog hit its peak
It was time for Starmer to speak
With calls for integrity and honesty
Action with moral authority
Not the cruel smirks of superiority
Protected by an eighty-seat majority
But his calls for Bodycount to resign
Would require a leader with a spine
Not a naughty kid prepared to try
To hide behind a preposterous lie
So obvious and fake
As ambushed by a birthday cake
But if the 1922 Committee
By clever speech or desperate pity
Allow Bodycount to stay in role
Then they’d to well to avoid a poll
All of which now say
The public think he’s had his day
His loyalists, increasingly few
Have got some catching up to do
Like Truss, newly deep of voice
And Dorries who, if given the choice
Would rather another G&T
Than an interview on the TV
News just in, by the way
That the Met Police now say
That if Bodycount is handed a fine
Then he will be named at the time
So, if Dame Dick’s prepared to deny him
How much time will this trip buy him?
‘Cause Spaffer Bodycount’s in the Ukraine
A stateman-like wave on the steps of the plane
Can’t explain to a nation in pain
From do-as-I-sayers, not do-as-I-doers
With families in castles and morals in sewers
With lockdowns for you and parties for them
And lies again and again and again
That it’s one rule for them and another for you
Just how long do you think that he thinks that will do?
INVESTIGATION INTO ALLEGED GATHERINGS ON GOVERNMENT PREMISES DURING COVID RESTRICTIONS – UPDATE
Sue says when the pandemic’s high
Sue says when you restrict others’ lives
Sue says parties are difficult to justify
But Sue Gray don’t name names
Sue says it’s a serious failure
Sue says it’s thoughtless behaviour
Sue says how do you think it will appear
But Sue Gray don’t name names
Sue says consumption of excess alcohol
Sue says shouldn’t happen at work at all
Sue says it’s not very professional
But Sue Gray don’t name names
Sue says the police are investigating
Sue says no more info is circulating
Sue says we shouldn’t be speculating
And Sue Gray don’t name names
Steve White & The Protest Family 