Derek and the Meerkats

Derek’s boycotting the meerkats
He’s stopped drinking Smirnoff and Coke
He’d never been one for the ballet anyway
He’s never been quite that woke
He’s boycotting Baltika Lager too
Since they stopped selling it in the ‘Spoons
But watching Chelsea on Sky’s okay
Since they split with their Russian tycoons
His missus has got Chicken Kyiv for tea
And told him not to call it Kiev
She should stay out of Holland and Barrett too
At least that’s what the neighbours said
Apparently, their dish gets Russian telly
On the news they called it RT
Derek says it’s alright to just not watch it
If it came with the other channels free
He’s got a knock-off Ukraine football top
Off a bloke with a market stall
And a flag but he’s not sure he’ll fly it
It’s no cross of St. George, after all
He’s a fan of a plucky Ukrainian, mind
He likes it that they’ll stay and fight
Not like them channel dinghy Syrians
Flooding in day and night
It’s not like there’s room in this country
Some fruit picking, but that’s about it
Derek’s boycotting the meerkats
Derek’s doing his bit

Armchair Generals

Armchair generals
Firing other people’s bullets
With other people’s sons
Express sympathy
With the refugee
Who would be welcome here
If they weren’t such a risk to national insecurity
And Lincolnshire is full, says Leigh
Even if they’re willing to pick fruit

What has Liz’s dressing-up box
Got for us today?
Fighter pilot? Tank commander?
Recruiter for La Légion étrangère?
She’s unlikely to dress to protest
Or to campaign against the war
That’s what the other lot are for
The Minister for Instagram will give up glam
But only for a message of might
She wants you to fight

Don’t let her tell you that it’s simple
While the policy to sanction
Fails to seize a single yacht or mansion
Despite the fighting talk
Trying to be the hawkest hawk
It’s easier to call to arms
Than boycott wealthy friends
As a wise man once said
A bayonet is a weapon
With a worker at both ends