Category: Steve

Patient 91

A stranger in town
Flew in from Bangkok, wheels down
Heads into town

A few hours to kill
In the Buddha Bar and Grill
Bring him the bill
He’s about to get ill

Some social media bluster
“You’re a time bomb, buster”
Heart of the Buddha Bar cluster

The fever struck him and a dozen more
Quarantine followed as per the law
Testing teams went door to door
Get him to the hospital, before he hits the floor

Now here’s where it goes bad fast
“Ventilate me now” he asked
His doctors steadfast
His story makes it to a national broadcast

Most places thirty days is days too late
In that state
A flick of the switch is your fate
But this is Ho Chi Minh City, and he lasts sixty-eight

He fell asleep in April, woke up in June
To the sounds of scooters, smells of monsoon
The virus worldwide in full bloom
He’s ready to give up his room

A bullet he would not expect to dodge
But this is Vietnam, and no one’s died on their watch

Who is he? This Stephen Cameron
Well, here he’s better known as
Patient ninety-one

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-53196009

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Johnson Has Washed His Hands

A beach packed with punters
Creates a major incident
Johnson has washed his hands

From rules to guidance
From cognisance to dissonance
Johnson has washed his hands

A COVID spike
In abattoirs and factories
Johnson has washed his hands

A dialled in parliament
On pound shop batteries
Johnson has washed his hands

Keir passed the soap
And held the towel
While Johnson washed his hands

A welcomed announcement
Despite its disavowal
Helped Johnson to wash his hands

Stay at home as much as you can
While visiting the shops as much as possible
Says Johnson has washed his hands

While the march back to Wetherspoons
Is seemingly unstoppable
Because Johnson has washed his hands

Confused about the guidance
Scared or simply bitter
Johnson has washed his hands

The scientists’ advice
Relegated to Twitter
Because Johnson has washed his hands

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Jason Gets the Call

Jason got the call.
Who is this?
Where did you get this number?
He wasn’t expecting this at all.
Joanna’s expression asked the question;
Dunno love, he shrugged.

They said “Sir, did you take a test?”
Jason said yes.

“You know you’ve had the virus”
Jason said yes
I’ve still got it I guess,
A bit of a temperature
A bit of a cough,
Joanna’s alright but I still feel off.
Why are you calling me today?
Am I OK?

“Sir, relax.
We just need to trace your contacts”

“Before we do can we ask
Sir, did you self-isolate?”
Sorry mate?
Did you mean I’d stayed at home?
Yes, 14 days
Like the guidance says
Yes, I stayed at home.
Not alone,
My wife is here
But her test was clear.

“Very good sir, we’re glad to hear.”

Before that, I went to work.

“Did you work from home?”

Well at first, but you see
The government opened up the economy.

“OK we see
So who was at work?”

Well, me
My boss, Brian, Gavin and Sharon
And..

“Sir did you stay two metres from ‘em?”

Well yes
And no I guess.
It’s work you see,
That’s not always easy.

“OK, We get the gist.
Can you make a list
Of everyone you worked with, then
We can get in touch with them.”

Well, I’m at home,
I don’t have everyone’s numbers in my phone.

“I see
Tell me where you work,
We’ll contact them directly.”

Jason obliged
But his list might be slightly compromised.
Joanna looked his way;
Jason looked away.

There’s something you should probably know
About me, about us.
She braced for the blow.
I went to work on the bus.

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Derek and the Germans

Derek’s slagging off the Germans
Derek’s bursting with national pride
He doesn’t want us to be the worst ‘uns
He doesn’t want to count how many died

Derek’s slagging off the Germans
Derek reckons they’re due a second wave
He’s a flags and statues kinda person
With a blind eye for the failing UK

Derek’s slagging off the Germans
It’s patriotic, he explains
It’s your country of birth that determines
Who you support come what may

Derek’s slagging off the Germans
And women too by using that phrase
It’s another of Derek’s little sermons
And Angela’s getting it both ways

And I don’t suppose Derek will ever see
A pragmatic centrist such as she
Is exactly the politician that he craves
If he could only see past the flag he waves

Derek’s slagging off the Germans
Derek voted conservative
Derek’s vote helped determine
The pandemic mess that we’re now in

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Trust

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Dominic to take a knee
Or any of the three with PPE

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Jacob not to take a nap
Or any of that world beating crap

You can’t trust anything they do or say
I never trusted Tories anyway

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Dominic with an eyetest
You can’t trust Priti in the slightest

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Rishi with the dinero
Or any of that world-beating crap

Ideology or incompetence, you choose
Whichever way your coin toss lands
It’s heads they win and tails you lose

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Michael with anything vital
Or any of that world-beating crap

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Gavin with your schools
You can’t trust this cabinet of fools

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Grant, you just can’t
And none of that world-beating crap

You can’t trust anything they do or say
I never trusted Tories anyway

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Michael with anything vital
Or any of that world-beating crap

by Categories: COVID-19, Lyrics, SteveTags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Farmer Dom

Here’s Farmer Dom and his field full of data
Gather it all up, sell it on later
But Farmer Dom’s harvest went wrong
Cos nobody trusts Farmer Dom

Farmer Steve offered his assistance
But Farmer Steve encountered resistance
Farmer Steve said there’s a safer way
But Farmer Dom told him to go away

Here’s Farmer Dom and his field full of data
Gather it all up, sell it on later
But Farmer Dom’s harvest went wrong
Cos nobody trusts Farmer Dom

Farmer Larry said I can help too
You don’t need to do anything brand new
But Farmer Larry’s help stayed on the shelf
Cos Farmer Dom wants the harvest to himself

Here’s Farmer Dom and his field full of data
Gather it all up, sell it on later
But Farmer Dom’s harvest went wrong
Cos nobody trusts Farmer Dom

 

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What Dowden Didn’t Say Yesterday

Let’s talk about reasonably priced Tim Tams
Cos if we don’t, we’ll talk about the app.
Let’s talk about Aussies and boomerangs
Cos if we don’t we’ll talk about the app (it doesn’t work).

Let’s talk about the Premier League
Cos if we don’t, we’ll talk about the app.
They’re gonna show it on the BBC
While we’re not talking about the app (it doesn’t work).

Let’s talk about public toilets
Cos if we don’t we’ll talk about the app.
This press briefing’s almost pointless
If it’s not talking about the app (which doesn’t work).

Let’s talk about theatres and music
Cos if we don’t we’ll talk about the app.
We can’t use it but don’t want to lose it,
Like we’re happy to lose the app (it doesn’t work).

Dowden’s not got a lot to say
And nothing to say about the app.
A particularly dull press conference today
With nothing to say about the app (which doesn’t work).

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The Rights of Dogs

It’s a shorter briefing,
They are these days;
No scientists, ratings are down.
Jason’s convinced it’s deliberate.
“Nothing good to say
And they’re shit at saying it.”
Jason says.

Joanna’s just grateful that it’s over,
She doesn’t like the effect that it has on him.
She expected nothing but lies and avoidance
But it drives him mad.
“They’re politicians
What do you expect?”
Joanna says.

It’s got to the point
That they’re discussing public toilets,
Honestly the best question
That the press have got today.
“People are dying
And they’ve stopped being sorry.”
Jason says.

She sighs.
She’s just grateful he missed the early news.
Michael Gove:
“Nous défendons toujours les droits des chiens”
Dogs.
She misses her dog.
She doesn’t say it.

You learn less
Every time you tune in,
Their arrogance grows
As public interest wanes.
“Why don’t we go for a walk?
Or maybe just talk?”
Joanna says.

But there’s the press conference
Then there’s the analysis.
At least racist Farage
Ain’t on anymore.
“I’ll just listen to this bit
It might be important.”
Jason says.

It won’t be.
It hasn’t been for a while.
“Maybe tomorrow then.”
Joanna says.

 

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A Statue of Boris Johnson

Statues don’t teach history
They’ll tell you more about the folk that erected em
A twisted sense of victory
And limited love for those that elected ‘em
When Edward Colston got hoyed into the oggin
By a Black Lives Matter demo to be fair
That’s history in the making
That’s history being made right there

When all this is over
And we’re mourning our family and friends
We’re gonna build a statue of Boris Johnson
And chuck it straight in the Thames

He follows the science but only when the science
Tells him what he wants to hear
Like someone took the black lives report
And made several sections disappear
What would you expect from Picaninnies Johnson?
Elevated to the top job
Then coming over all bewildered schoolboy
Surprised by the virus and the braying mob

When all this is over
And we’re mourning our family and friends
We’re gonna build a statue of Boris Johnson
And chuck it straight in the Thames

Not on his watch but no justice for Grenfell
Three years on and the cladding’s not gone
And the number of deaths from COVID 19
Should be an embarrassment to anyone
22 days of dither and delay
He says he’s proud, it’s jaw-dropping
What’s the strategy now Mr Johnson?
He says you should all look forward to going shopping

When all this is over
And we’re mourning our family and friends
We’re gonna build a statue of Boris Johnson
And chuck it straight in the Thames

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Iain Duncan Smith Intervenes

The latest so-called expert
With influence to exert
On a virus to be beat
To lift the country to its feet
Is a Johnson cheerleader
And a former Tory leader
With a trail of bodies of his own

The latest interjection
To influence our direction
Crying what about business
And economic fitness
Led the DWP
Attack on disability
And has a trail of bodies of his own

The latest politician
On an ideological mission
To put the money first
And let the people come of worse
Says one metre will do
Between me and you
Has a trail of bodies of his own

So, when the spin comes in
And the lobbying begins
Think about the man
Understand where he stands
Take his deeds with
The words of Ian Duncan Smith
Who left a trail of bodies of his own

 

by Categories: COVID-19, Lyrics, SteveTags: , , , , , , 1 Comment