Holding Your Breath

Joanna’s holding it together
But she can’t keep the kids off school forever
It’s so much harder in the nice weather
Holding her breath

Some days they’re just climbing the walls
While she’s trying to make work phone calls
They can’t go and play with next door’s
Holding her breath

The first ten seconds are easy
The second ten seconds are harder
Then you’re living one second at a time
When you’re holding your breath

The first ten seconds are easy
The second ten seconds are harder
Each second after that lasts a lifetime
Holding your breath

She’s listening to the prime minster back today
The very little he had to say
She’s trying not to be afraid
And holding her breath

Shelagh Fogerty says the lockdown’s fraying
And that’s what the traffic outside is saying
Joanna finds herself praying
And holding her breath

The first ten seconds are easy
The second ten seconds are harder
Then you’re living one second at a time
When you’re holding your breath

The first ten seconds are easy
The second ten seconds are harder
Each second after that lasts a lifetime
Holding your breath

Each second after that lasts a lifetime
When you’re holding your breath

The Prime Minister Prepares to Return to Work

I’m coming back to work, and I need to know
That’s everything’s gonna be okay
So tell me my cabinet colleagues
What did you do while I was away?

Right, right, OK
Right, right, OK

Tell us Michael, you had a plan
To run things pretty hot
Tell us Michael about the plan
What sort of numbers have we got?

Well boss the plan’s killed 20000 people
We said we’d do well to stay under that number
The plan’s killed over 20000 people
Running hot might’ve been a blunder

Right, right, OK
Right, right, OK

Tell us Matt you had a plan
To sort out PPE
Tell us Matt you had a plan
What improvements have you seen?

Well boss there still ain’t quite enough
If I’m honest I’m starting to lose it
Even with all this military stuff
I didn’t expect the nurses to actually use it

Right, right, OK
Right, right, OK

Does anyone have a bit of good news?
Does anyone have a bit of good news?
Does anybody have a bit of good news?
Yes Priti?

Well boss I’m pleased to report
I’ve driven shoplifting down
Boss without any support
I’ve driven shoplifting down

Right, right, OK
Right, right, OK

That it?

Sunshine and Disinfectant

He’s used to selling you steak
He’s used to selling you real estate
He’s trying to make America great
Land of the free

Dr Trump v. the invisible killer
Dr Trump’s gonna kill it quicker
Dr Trump’s got all the medicine that you need
He’s got
Sunshine and disinfectant (He’s selling you)
Sunshine and disinfectant (He’s telling you)
Sunshine and disinfectant
For all your COVID needs

He’s used to selling the brand
There’s Trump labelled buildings throughout the land
He’s trying to make America grand
Land of the free

Dr Trump v. the invisible killer
Dr Trump’s gonna kill it quicker
Dr Trump’s got all the medicine that you need
He’s got
Sunshine and disinfectant (He’s selling you)
Sunshine and disinfectant (He’s telling you)
Sunshine and disinfectant
For all your COVID needs

Inject yourself with disinfectant
Take a dose of hydroxychloroquine
Give yourself a blast of UV light
To be free

Dr Trump’s v. the invisible killer
Dr Trump’s gonna kill it quicker
Dr Trumps got all the medicine that you need
He’s got
Sunshine and disinfectant (He’s selling you)
Sunshine and disinfectant (He’s telling you)
Sunshine and disinfectant
For all your COVID needs
Sunshine and disinfectant (He’s selling you)
Sunshine and disinfectant (He’s telling you)
Sunshine and disinfectant
For all your COVID needs
For all your COVID needs

St. George’s Day 2020

St George is working in the hospital
Some days there’s little protection at all
If it weren’t so dangerous it’d be comical
It’s what he’s doing here

St George is working in the care home
Now that the residents are all alone
Providing care and comfort in the infected zone
That’s what he’s doing here

St George is tryin’ to be braver
St George is your neighbour
St George is unskilled labour
That’s the face of a patron saint

St George is working in the supermarket
He ain’t had a day off since it all started
Sorting the shelves and the trolley park
It’s what he’s doing here

St George is working emptying the bins
St George is working in the school kitchen
It’s your online shopping that George is drivin’
That’s what he’s doing here

St George is having to be braver
St George is your neighbour
St George is unskilled labour
That’s the face of a patron saint

St George ain’t gonna go to work today
There’s no urgency to have a dragon slayed
St George can claim 80% of his pay
That’s what he’s doing here

St George ain’t in the queue at B&Q
His old sword will work when he needs it to
He knows staying at home’s still a smart move
That’s what he’s doing here

St George is having to be braver
St George is your neighbour
St George is unskilled labour
That’s the face of a patron saint

Look in the faces of your carers and your cleaners
Your doctors and nurses, drivers and teachers
Trying to stay safe from the coughing and the fevers
That’s what he’s doing here
That’s what he’s doing here

St George is having to be braver
St George is your neighbour
St George is unskilled labour
That’s the face of a patron saint

Look in the faces of your carers and your cleaners
Your doctors and nurses, drivers and teachers
Trying to stay safe from the coughing and the fevers
That’s what he’s doing here
That’s what he’s doing here

The Bunnies, the Beagles and You

There’s a potential hero in this story
Goes by the name of ChAdOx1
They’re building it in an Oxford laboratory
But the work is not yet done
From Saudi to the British Isles
They’re skipping straight to human trials
It sounds like a bit of good news
For the bunnies, the beagles and you

Fighting the fight against COVID-19
Looking for volunteers for this scheme
Despite what Nick Ferrari thinks
They’re not guinea pigs
But from Saudi to the British Isles
They’re skipping straight to human trials
It sounds like a bit of good news
For the bunnies, the beagles and you

They’re setting aside market obligation
For a bit of international cooperation
Developing vaccine with alacrity
The seed stock’s heading out to Italy
From Saudi to the British Isles
They’re skipping straight to human trials
It sounds like a bit of good news
(Of which Carrie Symonds would approve)
For the bunnies, the beagles and you

ChAdOx1

Should I Be Wearing a Mask?

Zorro, The Lone Ranger
The Phantom of the Opera, Darth Vader
Batman, but Batgirl’s is better
Wolverine, V for Vendetta
Optimus Prime and Leatherface
Stanley Ipkiss’ is pretty ace

Should I be wearing a mask?

Zorro, The Lone Ranger
The Phantom of the Opera, Darth Vader
Batman, but Batgirl’s is better
Wolverine, V for Vendetta
Optimus Prime and Leatherface
Stanley Ipkiss’ is pretty ace

Should I be wearing a mask?

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Raphael’s red, Donatello’s is purple
Leonardo, Michelangelo
The Green Hornet and Cato too
Mexican wrestlers, Wonder Woman
Spiderman could but Peter Parker couldn’t

Should I be wearing a mask?

Zorro, The Lone Ranger
The Phantom of the Opera, Darth Vader
Batman, but Batgirl’s is better
Wolverine, V for Vendetta
Optimus Prime and Leatherface
Stanley Ipkiss’ is pretty ace

Should I be wearing a mask?

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Raphael’s red, Donatello’s is purple
Leonardo, Michelangelo
The Green Hornet and Cato too
Mexican wrestlers, Wonder Woman
Spiderman could but Peter Parker couldn’t

Should I be wearing a mask?

Catwoman, Doctor Doom
Hannibal Lector, Ghostface too
Phillipe of Gascony, the Jigsaw Killer
But not Michael Jackson in Thriller
Captain America, The Flash
And highwaymen wore them for cash

Should I be wearing a mask?
Should I be wearing a mask?

News From Necker Island

The news from Necker Island isn’t good
Mr Branson’s still not in a very good mood
In this time of global crisis
And plummeting global airline prices
He wants to spend our money, not his own

Mr Branson really doesn’t want to pay
But he’s the seventh richest person in the UK

The news from Necker Island isn’t good
Mr Branson thinks he’s been misunderstood
He wants to place his staff on furlough
But pay their wages with our dough
He wants to spend our money, not his own

Mr Branson really doesn’t want to pay
But he’s the seventh richest person in the UK

The news from Necker Island isn’t good
It’s a lovely place to visit if you could
It’s a place to wash your conscience clean
It’s a place with a zero-tax regime
It’s the place that Branson’s money calls his home

Mr Branson really doesn’t want to pay
But he’s the seventh richest person in the UK

The news from Necker Island isn’t good
It’s a lovely place to visit if you could
It’s a place to wash your conscience clean
It’s a place with a zero-tax regime
It’s the place that Branson’s tax-free money
It’s the place that Branson’s tax-free money
It’s the place that Branson’s tax-free money
Calls home

Boris Bunks Off

Do you remember
When you were younger
Bunking off school
Thinking you were cool
When lessons never seemed much cop
When you could be browsing in the record shop

Do you remember
When you were younger
Wagging off school
Playing the fool
Thinking later this won’t be possible
Adults gotta be responsible

But if Boris Johnson can bunk off COBRA
Your schoolchild self was right after all

Do you remember
When you were younger
Nothing hurt
As much as hard work
But there was nothing like your summer holiday
It made the first day of term seem like such a long way away

But if Boris Johnson can bunk off COBRA
Why should I go to work today?

I heard Boris’ mate on the radio
Said he was a hard working so and so
Being a journalist, a mayor and an MP at the same time
A Tory Stakhanovite, with a ladder to climb

But if Boris Johnson can sack off COBRA
I’m taking some personal time

Yeah, if Boris Johnson can sack off COBRA
And people die
Then that’s a crime

Quietly Terrified

Jason’s lucky, he’s been working from home
He can do a Teams meeting or talk on the phone
He’s available by email but never alone
With his wife and kids in the background
But there’s some work that he needs to see
Something that can’t be done remotely
He’s gonna ask them for another nominee
Because he’s quietly terrified

Joanna’s going supermarket shopping
She lost an online spot, but a least no one’s coughing
A good hour’s queue is still pretty shocking
But at least they’re two metres apart
She’s got gloves and a mask off the internet
So she don’t get infected by the people that she might’ve met
Her precautions are about as good as she can get
She’s quietly terrified

Jason and Joanna have key worker status
They’re part of the local government apparatus
But they’re unlikely to actually say to us
They’re working on the frontline
Jason and Joanna should try being a nurse
Or a doctor in the NHS or driving a hearse
Or driving a bus which is probably worse
They’re quietly terrified

Quietly terrified, the state of the nation
Doing their best in lonely isolation
Slowly losing their anticipation
That the government would know what to do
Quietly terrified, and losing their confidence
In the daily government press conference
No exit strategy that makes any kind of sense
They’re quietly terrified

 

NB Jason and Joanna are fictional characters. The government, on the other hand, are terrifyingly, incompetently, real.

Captain Tom (Better Keep Walking)

Two million useless home test kits
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
Bought while summoning the spirit of the Blitz
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
The PHE media chatter
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
Said testing the test was just a small matter
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
So it might vex, and it might irk
That two million home test kits don’t work
(Captain Tom better keep walking)

Dumbing the PPE standards down
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
‘Cos there still ain’t enough of the right sort of gown
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
Welcome to the global marketplace
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
Where it seems that we’re not winning the race
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
An economic throw of the dice
Even the swabs are ten times the price
(Captain Tom better keep walking)

Captain Tom confined to his garden
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
As social distancing guidelines harden
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
And if Captain Tom should need assistance
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
His helper would have to keep their distance
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
Six foot six between the joggers and the shoppers
But Westminster Bridge is covered in coppers
(Captain Tom better keep walking)

Sunak found the magic money tree
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
But he can’t seem to use it to buy PPE
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
While Hancock, whose word is not his bond
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
Now says he needs a magic wand
(Captain Tom better keep walking)
And selling badges to cover this mess
Shows they don’t care about the NHS
So Captain Tom better keep walking