Christmas Bubble Trouble


Jason and Joanna got Christmas bubble trouble
She wants to see her mum but then her sister’s bubble doubles
And her brother and his girlfriend make another bubble couple
She’s trying to understand the rules

Jason and Joanna got Christmas bubble trouble
He wants to see his dad but it’s gonna be a struggle
‘Cos her side’s already in a Christmas bubble muddle
He’s trying to understand the rules

(Which go like)

You can see her sister if you go round to her mother’s
But that’s already three so now you can’t see her brother
That would need a separate bubble but you can’t have another
What happens if we meet outside?

Jason and Joanna got Christmas bubble trouble
His mum and dad ain’t speaking so that’s something else to juggle
There’s too many pieces in their family Christmas puzzle
They’re trying to understand the rules

Jason and Joanna got Christmas bubble trouble
The tree ain’t even up before negotiations crumble
‘Cos “Are we splitting up for Christmas?” ain’t exactly subtle
When you’re trying to understand the rules

(Which go like)

Three bubbles can behave like they live in the same house
And pass the roast potatoes while passing on the sprouts
But unless they’re only children then there’s someone missing out
What happens if we eat outside?

Three bubbles can behave like they live in the same house
And pass the roast potatoes while passing on the sprouts
But unless they’re only children then there’s someone missing out
What happens if we eat outside?

Jason and Joanna got Christmas bubble trouble
The tree ain’t even up before negotiations crumble
‘Cos “Are we splitting up for Christmas?” ain’t exactly subtle
When you’re trying to understand the rules

They’re just trying to understand the rules

(Whatever Happened To) Jason and Joanna

Whatever happened to Jason and Joanna?
Did they manage to keep it together?
Did Jason become too obsessed in the end?
Did Joanna need someone else to be her friend?

Whatever happened to Jason and Joanna?
Did they manage to isolate successfully?
Did they ever get out to the pub for their tea?
Or did they just end up in tier three?

Joanna’s kids don’t need a free school meal
But she’s all on board with Marcus Rashford’s appeal
She knows some other mums don’t have it quite so good
If she could find a way to feed their kids she probably would

But she knows what Jason would say
She knows what Jason would say

He’d say it’s all well and good but it’s just charity
And that’s not what a nation’s kids all need
He’d say compassionate leadership isn’t a sin
We just need the government to do the right thing
He’d say it’s the best interests of all the nation’s health
To have a fundamental redistribution of wealth

That’s what Jason would say
That’s what Jason would say

Whatever happened to Jason and Joanna?
Did Jason get too smug about a second wave?
The one that he said would be here any day
But it’s still no fun living that way

Whatever happened to Jason and Joanna?
Did they manage to keep it together?
Did Jason become too obsessed in the end?
Did Joanna need someone else to be her friend?

Will it End in Tiers?

The move from local lockdowns in parts of the north of the country and the Midlands came fast, the move from tier 1 to tier 2 in London, York and other areas came even faster, as if the Government had miscategorised certain areas in the first place which of course they had. The people, needing clear, simple, effective guidance in the face of rising case numbers and hospital admissions didn’t get it. The rules, no longer guidance and now enforceable by law, were complex and it was difficult to understand how they would work. The balance of protecting the nation’s health against protecting the economy weighed heavily in favour of the latter. Confidence and compliance were low.

As families and communities considered the impact of the new rules on their lives and how they might bend or break them, open rebellion in the Westminster-governed political sphere was seen for the first time, echoing the previous divergence of the devolved administrations. Andy Burnham, the mayor of Manchester, declared that he would resist a move from tier 2 to tier 3 unless the Chancellor found some money to support those affected. You can’t instruct people to stay at home, he argued, if to do so deprives them of an income. Correct, of course, but falling on deaf ears, or tin ears as Kier Starmer like to refer to them as during Prime Minister’s Questions.

Sir Kier, leader of the workers’ party and knight of the realm, was not in favour of the tiered approach and argued instead for a short total shutdown, the “circuit breaker” approach, which would at least hurt the economy as much as it would the people. It was an argument that had previously been put forward by the Government’s own scientific advisors, the SAGE group, who were also ignored.

In Liverpool, the first area to enter tier 3, we discovered that there were two mayors, a Conservative mayor for the Liverpool city region with whom the Government maintained a dialogue and a Labour mayor for the city of Liverpool with whom they did not.

Britain was a nation fractured and exhausted. The arts had been written off as unviable, the hospitality industry dealt yet another blow by the tier 2 restrictions which didn’t shut them down but discouraged customers from going out and thus killed their trade without compensation, and football failed to emerge from behind closed doors.

The twin saviours of mass testing and comprehensive contact tracing still seemed a distant dream. Both were in the purview of Tory darling, corporate and political failure and baroness, Dido Harding.

Earlier in the crisis, Prime Minister Johnson and his sidekick, Health Secretary Matt Hancock, were at pains to demonstrate how they’d “ramped up” the testing regime, setting their own targets and celebrating when they achieved them but under Harding’s regime the swabs were all tested at centralised, privatised “lighthouse” laboratories, standing down the previous NHS and university collaborative effort and when laboratory capacity looked close to being exceeded the system started to restrict access to tests, sending symptomatic people hundreds of miles to testing centres and cancelling walk-in appointments. The Government issued a stern message that you should only apply for a test if you really needed one.

Hapless Harding, abetted by an equally hapless Hancock, took a cue from their boss and spaffed £12 billion on a test and trace system that didn’t work, including an app that failed and a centralised contact tracing system that couldn’t find any work for full-time private sector contact tracers. Although comparisons with spending in the Republic of Ireland were misleading, the rumours that some consultants earned in the region of £7000 per day proved true.

Populist Prime Minister Johnson had got it wrong at every turn, from herd immunity to world beating test and trace. Even the appointment of a vaccine tsar and the promise of a jab by September had come to little, but at least the news from China was more encouraging.

Hands, Face, Pasty

Six tier one folks can still meet inside
It’s the tier where the science and the politics collide
Where the rule of six guide stands ready for the slide
Over to the hundred in one hundred thousand side

So, we’re standing on the precipice of tier two
Sadiq says that it’s coming very soon
But I’ve got people to see and things to do
While COVID’s turning the screw

Meanwhile there’s a new slogan in tier three
Where you can’t have a pint except with your tea
It’s like Tim Wetherspoon’s writing policy:
Hands. Face. Pasty (and chips).