Category: Steve

1 Samuel 8

Samuel told them the words of the Lord
But the words of the Lord just got ignored
Samuel told them the words of the Lord
A king you really can’t afford

Samuel said he’ll take away your sons
Samuel said to fire his guns
Samuel said this kind of thing
Always happens when you have a king

Samuel told them the words of the Lord
But the words of the Lord just got ignored
Samuel told them the words of the Lord
A king you really can’t afford

Samuel said he’ll take away your daughters
For cooks and bakers and court supporters
Samuel said this kind of thing
Always happens when you have a king

Samuel said he’ll take away your fields
Samuel said to make swords and shields
Samuel said this kind of thing
Always happens when you have a king

Samuel told them the words of the Lord
But the words of the Lord just got ignored
Samuel told them the words of the Lord
A king you really can’t afford

Samuel said he’ll take away your vineyards
With kings he said the wealth always flows inwards
Samuel said this kind of thing
Always happens when you have a king

Samuel said he’ll take away your sheep
Samuel said service will come cheap
Samuel said this kind of thing
Always happens when you have a king

Samuel told them the words of the Lord
But the words of the Lord just got ignored
Samuel told them the words of the Lord
A king you really can’t afford
A king you really can’t afford
And these are the words of the Lord

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Most People

The council haven’t put up any bunting
The local Tories are running amuck
The coronation! We must be doing something
But most people really couldn’t give a fuck

You can apply to close your street for a party
Undisturbed by car, van, or truck
To celebrate the crowning of King Charlie
But most people really couldn’t give a fuck

There’s a union jack outside the butchers
Where he sells patriots their beef, lamb and duck
But he might as well be flogging fishless fingers
Because most people really couldn’t give a fuck

An extra day off work? Well, who wouldn’t?
Courtesy of newly crowned King Chuck
But don’t take it as some kind of endorsement
Because most people really couldn’t give a fuck

Drizzling the King with special magic oil
From an eagle-shaped bottle, just for luck
An archbishop and a golden spoon
Honestly, we couldn’t give a fuck

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Kings and Queens

Kings and queens are all, it seems
We need to keep food on our plate
Kings and queens and Heinz Baked Beans*
And golden carriages of state

Kings and queens are all, it seems
We need to keep us warm and fed
Kings and queens and Heinz Baked Beans
And Tory Warburtons sliced bread**

So, boo to cost of living crisis
Boo to rising staple prices
Hurrah for Charlie and Camilla
Beans on toast again for dinner

*Well, you’ve got to have standards
**Other bread is available

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Crowdfund the Coronation

Crowdfund the coronation
Don’t pay for it from our taxation
If you support the celebration
Then you can make a small donation

Crowdfund the coronation
But make it so that each donation
Ticks a box to just make sure
You’d rather not give to the poor

Crowdfund the coronation
Don’t pay for it from our taxation
Of which we’re told there’s such a dearth
We can’t pay nurses what they’re worth

Crowdfund the coronation
And if folk need some motivation
A celebrity-packed one day’s TV
Can raise some cash for kings in need

Crowdfund the coronation
Crowdfund the whole damn operation
The nation then with one accord
Will have the royals they can afford

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Bad Apples

Here it is, the bad apple defence
A line they all pursue
It’s alright round here really
It’s just a bad apple or two

It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples
It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples
It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples
It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples

It’s just the way things are done round here
We turn a blind eye, we cock a deaf ear
We reap what we sow
We let the bad apples grow

It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples
It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples
It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples
It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples

It ain’t everybody
But the rules are very clear
You never saw the bully
And there’s banter you don’t hear

It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples
It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples
It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples
It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples

It ain’t everybody
Just the facts that all folk know
It’s the way we do things round here
We just let bad apples grow

It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples
It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples
It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples
It’s alright round here, just a few bad apples

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Put Up Shut Up Britain Part Two

I’ve got my radio on, tuned to LBC
And every other jock’s tryin’ to tell me
That culturally, the Muslim man
Is pre-disposed to a grooming gang
A grooming gang, not a paedophile ring
‘Cause a paedophile ring is a white man thing
It’s a racist phone-in, non-stop
And the worst of it is, it’s coming from the top
It’s coming from the top and here’s the thing
The people at the top have got brown skin
It’s a desperate scramble for votes, last ditch

And people get hurt when you talk like this

Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain
Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain
Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain
Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain

Our coach can’t get into Europe
The school trip kiddies cry
‘Cause every passport needs a stamp
Did you stop to wonder why?
Is it two sides of the same coin, you ask
Well, it’s definitely two cheeks of the same arse
Do you need another clue?

We hate folk who ain’t from round here
And the ones from round here too

Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain
Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain
Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain
Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain

It’s limited and specific
Like the KLF didn’t say
All bound for Brexit Benefit Land
Get out the fuckin’ way
Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain
Where the rules get ripped up and re-written
For the fool who messed up worst and last
In the interests of the ruling class
And we’re throwing a party we can’t afford
For the bloke on the business end of the sword
While the supplicant kneeling is now at the helm
Of the opposition, a knight of the realm
We’ve got Charlie in charge, Charlie on the throne
Where’s our revolucion?
Charlie in France, well maybe not
What chance have we fuckin’ got?

Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain
Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain
Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain
Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain

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Swastikas in the Sand

The tide’s been going out for ages
Rishi’s got a bucket and spade
There’s a little bit less to go around these days
So Rishi’s got a new game
He knows he’s not the most popular kid
But Rishi’s got a plan
The tide’s been going out for ages
And he’s drawing swastikas in the sand

Swastikas in the sand
He’s drawing swastikas in the sand
The tide’s been going out for ages
And he’s drawing swastikas in the sand

Jonathan and Lee think that Rishi’s fab
They want to join in the game
Please let us play with you Rishi
This lark should really have a name
I’m going to call it Stop the Boats
Whoever’s on them just gets banned
The tide’s been going out for ages
And they’re drawing swastikas in the sand

Swastikas in the sand
They’re drawing swastikas in the sand
The tide’s been going out for ages
And they’re drawing swastikas in the sand

There’s hundreds and millions and billions
Suella joins the game with glee
I bet I can stop the boats the best
Oh Rishi, won’t you play with me
We can pretend they’re all evil
And we should never let them land
The tide’s been going out for ages
And she’s drawing swastikas in the sand

Swastikas in the sand
She’s drawing swastikas in the sand
The tide’s been going out for ages
And she’s drawing swastikas in the sand

Swastikas in the sand
They’re drawing swastikas in the sand
The tide’s been going out for ages
And they’re drawing swastikas in the sand

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Stop the Boats

Diddy Rishi Dastardly’s petard will soon be hoist
“Yes General”, he says to the off-screen muffled voice
But Zilly’s done a runner, he thinks Rwanda isn’t fair
And Klunk has got a legal plan that hasn’t got a prayer
While Dastardly just wants the Vulture Squadron in the air
‘Cause Yankee Doodle Refugee will lose him Red Wall votes
While Muttley snickers “medal”, he’s crying “Stop the boats!”

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Resignation Honours

What the fuck are resignation honours
Can they be bought with foreign dollars
Or are they just for a certain type of cad
Like the ex-PM’s wife-beating dad
With form for familial awards
Having put his brother in the House of Lords

If we’re to let him have his way
Then their post-nominals all should say
KBTW, BJ
Displayed proudly by their name

Arise, Sir Stanley, Lord of Wrong ‘Un
Knighted by that wanker, Boris Johnson

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Put Up, Shut Up Britain

Get a job, get a second job, get a better job
And pretend that Covid never happened
Budget for your tea, better budget 30p
And pretend that there’s no increase in the gap, and

You’re gonna have to wait four hours for an ambulance
You’re gonna have to live at home with your parents
You’re gonna have companies that don’t do what they oughta
You’re gonna have some of them shitting in the water

Do away with your daily latte
Your Netflix subscription will have to wait another day
Bring your bus pass if you want to have a vote
Don’t turn up here in a small boat

Be prepared to join a queue
For tomatoes, cucumbers too
But a good little Brit knows what to do
Go to work on some turnip stew

Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain
Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain
Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain
Welcome to Put Up Shut Up Britain

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