Jason Gets the Call

Jason got the call.
Who is this?
Where did you get this number?
He wasn’t expecting this at all.
Joanna’s expression asked the question;
Dunno love, he shrugged.

They said “Sir, did you take a test?”
Jason said yes.

“You know you’ve had the virus”
Jason said yes
I’ve still got it I guess,
A bit of a temperature
A bit of a cough,
Joanna’s alright but I still feel off.
Why are you calling me today?
Am I OK?

“Sir, relax.
We just need to trace your contacts”

“Before we do can we ask
Sir, did you self-isolate?”
Sorry mate?
Did you mean I’d stayed at home?
Yes, 14 days
Like the guidance says
Yes, I stayed at home.
Not alone,
My wife is here
But her test was clear.

“Very good sir, we’re glad to hear.”

Before that, I went to work.

“Did you work from home?”

Well at first, but you see
The government opened up the economy.

“OK we see
So who was at work?”

Well, me
My boss, Brian, Gavin and Sharon
And..

“Sir did you stay two metres from ‘em?”

Well yes
And no I guess.
It’s work you see,
That’s not always easy.

“OK, We get the gist.
Can you make a list
Of everyone you worked with, then
We can get in touch with them.”

Well, I’m at home,
I don’t have everyone’s numbers in my phone.

“I see
Tell me where you work,
We’ll contact them directly.”

Jason obliged
But his list might be slightly compromised.
Joanna looked his way;
Jason looked away.

There’s something you should probably know
About me, about us.
She braced for the blow.
I went to work on the bus.

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Derek and the Germans

Derek’s slagging off the Germans
Derek’s bursting with national pride
He doesn’t want us to be the worst ‘uns
He doesn’t want to count how many died

Derek’s slagging off the Germans
Derek reckons they’re due a second wave
He’s a flags and statues kinda person
With a blind eye for the failing UK

Derek’s slagging off the Germans
It’s patriotic, he explains
It’s your country of birth that determines
Who you support come what may

Derek’s slagging off the Germans
And women too by using that phrase
It’s another of Derek’s little sermons
And Angela’s getting it both ways

And I don’t suppose Derek will ever see
A pragmatic centrist such as she
Is exactly the politician that he craves
If he could only see past the flag he waves

Derek’s slagging off the Germans
Derek voted conservative
Derek’s vote helped determine
The pandemic mess that we’re now in

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Trust

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Dominic to take a knee
Or any of the three with PPE

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Jacob not to take a nap
Or any of that world beating crap

You can’t trust anything they do or say
I never trusted Tories anyway

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Dominic with an eyetest
You can’t trust Priti in the slightest

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Rishi with the dinero
Or any of that world-beating crap

Ideology or incompetence, you choose
Whichever way your coin toss lands
It’s heads they win and tails you lose

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Michael with anything vital
Or any of that world-beating crap

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Gavin with your schools
You can’t trust this cabinet of fools

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Grant, you just can’t
And none of that world-beating crap

You can’t trust anything they do or say
I never trusted Tories anyway

You can’t trust Bozo to squash a sombrero
You can’t trust Matt with an app
You can’t trust Michael with anything vital
Or any of that world-beating crap

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Farmer Dom

Here’s Farmer Dom and his field full of data
Gather it all up, sell it on later
But Farmer Dom’s harvest went wrong
Cos nobody trusts Farmer Dom

Farmer Steve offered his assistance
But Farmer Steve encountered resistance
Farmer Steve said there’s a safer way
But Farmer Dom told him to go away

Here’s Farmer Dom and his field full of data
Gather it all up, sell it on later
But Farmer Dom’s harvest went wrong
Cos nobody trusts Farmer Dom

Farmer Larry said I can help too
You don’t need to do anything brand new
But Farmer Larry’s help stayed on the shelf
Cos Farmer Dom wants the harvest to himself

Here’s Farmer Dom and his field full of data
Gather it all up, sell it on later
But Farmer Dom’s harvest went wrong
Cos nobody trusts Farmer Dom

 

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What Dowden Didn’t Say Yesterday

Let’s talk about reasonably priced Tim Tams
Cos if we don’t, we’ll talk about the app.
Let’s talk about Aussies and boomerangs
Cos if we don’t we’ll talk about the app (it doesn’t work).

Let’s talk about the Premier League
Cos if we don’t, we’ll talk about the app.
They’re gonna show it on the BBC
While we’re not talking about the app (it doesn’t work).

Let’s talk about public toilets
Cos if we don’t we’ll talk about the app.
This press briefing’s almost pointless
If it’s not talking about the app (which doesn’t work).

Let’s talk about theatres and music
Cos if we don’t we’ll talk about the app.
We can’t use it but don’t want to lose it,
Like we’re happy to lose the app (it doesn’t work).

Dowden’s not got a lot to say
And nothing to say about the app.
A particularly dull press conference today
With nothing to say about the app (which doesn’t work).

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The Rights of Dogs

It’s a shorter briefing,
They are these days;
No scientists, ratings are down.
Jason’s convinced it’s deliberate.
“Nothing good to say
And they’re shit at saying it.”
Jason says.

Joanna’s just grateful that it’s over,
She doesn’t like the effect that it has on him.
She expected nothing but lies and avoidance
But it drives him mad.
“They’re politicians
What do you expect?”
Joanna says.

It’s got to the point
That they’re discussing public toilets,
Honestly the best question
That the press have got today.
“People are dying
And they’ve stopped being sorry.”
Jason says.

She sighs.
She’s just grateful he missed the early news.
Michael Gove:
“Nous défendons toujours les droits des chiens”
Dogs.
She misses her dog.
She doesn’t say it.

You learn less
Every time you tune in,
Their arrogance grows
As public interest wanes.
“Why don’t we go for a walk?
Or maybe just talk?”
Joanna says.

But there’s the press conference
Then there’s the analysis.
At least racist Farage
Ain’t on anymore.
“I’ll just listen to this bit
It might be important.”
Jason says.

It won’t be.
It hasn’t been for a while.
“Maybe tomorrow then.”
Joanna says.

 

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A Statue of Boris Johnson

Statues don’t teach history
They’ll tell you more about the folk that erected em
A twisted sense of victory
And limited love for those that elected ‘em
When Edward Colston got hoyed into the oggin
By a Black Lives Matter demo to be fair
That’s history in the making
That’s history being made right there

When all this is over
And we’re mourning our family and friends
We’re gonna build a statue of Boris Johnson
And chuck it straight in the Thames

He follows the science but only when the science
Tells him what he wants to hear
Like someone took the black lives report
And made several sections disappear
What would you expect from Picaninnies Johnson?
Elevated to the top job
Then coming over all bewildered schoolboy
Surprised by the virus and the braying mob

When all this is over
And we’re mourning our family and friends
We’re gonna build a statue of Boris Johnson
And chuck it straight in the Thames

Not on his watch but no justice for Grenfell
Three years on and the cladding’s not gone
And the number of deaths from COVID 19
Should be an embarrassment to anyone
22 days of dither and delay
He says he’s proud, it’s jaw-dropping
What’s the strategy now Mr Johnson?
He says you should all look forward to going shopping

When all this is over
And we’re mourning our family and friends
We’re gonna build a statue of Boris Johnson
And chuck it straight in the Thames

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Iain Duncan Smith Intervenes

The latest so-called expert
With influence to exert
On a virus to be beat
To lift the country to its feet
Is a Johnson cheerleader
And a former Tory leader
With a trail of bodies of his own

The latest interjection
To influence our direction
Crying what about business
And economic fitness
Led the DWP
Attack on disability
And has a trail of bodies of his own

The latest politician
On an ideological mission
To put the money first
And let the people come of worse
Says one metre will do
Between me and you
Has a trail of bodies of his own

So, when the spin comes in
And the lobbying begins
Think about the man
Understand where he stands
Take his deeds with
The words of Ian Duncan Smith
Who left a trail of bodies of his own

 

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Another Day, Another Press Conference

Can we have the first slide please?
It’s Hancock so it must be Thursday
But it could be Monday or Tuesday
It’s another day but the same disease

Can we have the first slide please?
This one shows lies, as you can see
It continues to rise, exponentially
It’s our one area of expertise

Can we have the first slide please?
It’s Hancock so it must be Thursday
But it could be Monday or Tuesday
It’s another day but the same disease

Can we have the next one please?
This one shows complacency
That we’ll display quite shamelessly
While easing the lockdown aimlessly

Can we have the first slide please?
It’s Hancock so it must be Thursday
But it could be Monday or Tuesday
It’s another day but the same disease

And here’s what the data tells us
With the scientists here to help us
It was business that compelled us
To let the virus overwhelm us

Can we have the final slide?
The one that shows how many died
The one that lacks the interventions
The one with all the unanswered questions

Can we have the first slide please?
It’s Hancock so it must be Thursday
But it could be Monday or Tuesday
It’s another day but the same disease

 

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No More ‘Til September

No more ‘til September
A tacit overturning of policy
Without a blame of the science
Or a claim of the science
A victory won discreetly
By parents waging a quiet war
By simply ignoring the rule
By simply not sending their children to school

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