Tag: songwriting

Too Little, or Just Not Enough

She just wants to know if we’re over the worst
She doesn’t really know what it means to be alert
She doesn’t understand why business comes first
And when it comes to the government’s bluff
It’s either too little, or just not enough

He was reading a story about a company
Whose sole director is the Health Secretary
Whose sole responsibility is PPE
But when it comes to the government’s bluff
It’s either too little, or just not enough

She just wants to know if it’s safe to go to work
She doesn’t really know what it means to be alert
How can you tell if there’s a virus being dispersed?
When it comes to the government’s bluff
It’s either too little, or just not enough

He was reading a story about track and trace
About a phone app that folk were failing to embrace
That didn’t work on older phones in any case
And when it comes to the government’s bluff
It’s either too little, or just not enough

She just wants to know if it’s safe to go out
The media are calling her a lazy layabout
But Stay Alert just fills her full of doubt
‘Cos when it comes to the government’s bluff
It’s either too little, or just not enough

They sat up on Sunday to watch the TV
Looking for comfort from the man on the screen
But now they’re just more scared than they’ve ever been
‘Cos when it came to the government’s bluff
It was too little, and just not enough

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VE Day

She remembers her grandfather’s tales
Of wartime Walthamstow
The siren sound and the queue for the chip shop
That refused to go
A time of national pulling together
The rule-breakers airbrushed from history
And she wonders in 75 years’ time
If this is how they’ll tell her story

He’s got little truck with flags and bunting
Wants his workers’ holiday back
For him it’s just another too cynical
Tory government attack
A time of national coming together
Incompetent donkeys at the helm
And he wonders in 75 years’ time
What kind of stories are they going to tell?

She says can’t you just do it for the kids
A little party we’ll have a nice time
The Europe-wide defeat of fascism
Doesn’t that at least chime?
A time of national coming together
Suffer a little red, white and blue
And I wonder in 75 years’ time
If anyone will remember us too

OK, you’ve got a point I guess
We’ll party for the partisans and the rest
Just don’t expect me to acquiesce
To the Tories setting fireworks for the NHS
And I don’t expect there to be a finale
Of Vera Lynn singing The Internationale
A time of national coming together
I’ll suffer a little red, white and blue
And I wonder in 75 years’ times
If anyone will remember us two

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Professor Lockdown (A Love Story of Sorts)

Professor Lockdown loved Antonia Staats
Isolation could break their hearts
At home her husband might have had the virus
But she said neither Thames nor disease will divide us

It was wrong and they knew it
There’s no way to misconstrue it
They thought they could get through it
But the press knew too
They didn’t run the story
‘Til they needed a furore
To steal headline glory
From the numbers breaking through

Professor Lockdown loved Antonia Staats
On one day in April and one in March
Is his expert opinion that the strategy’s wrong?
We’ll never know now that his job in SAGE has gone

It was wrong and they knew it
There’s no way to misconstrue it
They thought they could get through it
But the press knew too
They didn’t run the story
‘Til they needed a furore
To steal headline glory
From the numbers breaking through

Professor Lockdown loved Antonia Staats
Doomed lover victims of the press dark arts
A million crimes that the expert might commit
But there’s no way we’ll ever forgive a hypocrite

It was wrong and they knew it
There’s no way to misconstrue it
They thought they could get through it
But the press knew too
They didn’t run the story
‘Til they needed a furore
To steal headline glory
From the numbers breaking through

Professor Lockdown loved Antonia Staats
Epidemiology meets Avaaz
Now no one’s gonna want to be in her shoes
And his expert counsel’s now yesterday’s news

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The Sickest Man in Europe

The sickest man in Europe
Won two world wars and one world cup
The sickest man in Europe
Didn’t want to mess the economy up
The sickest man in Europe’s
Looking forward to VE day
The sickest man in Europe’s
Hearing how many died today

The sickest man in Europe
Is following the science
Thinks it’s untainted
By political bias
The sickest man in Europe
Is following the science
Loves respect
and minute’s silence

The sickest man in Europe’s
Hearing how many died today
The sickest man in Europe’s
Looking forward to VE day

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Are You Ready?

Are you ready?

Nigel says are you ready?
His will is firm
But his logic’s unsteady
But if your saddle’s sweaty
Or your business finance messy

Nigel reckons you’re ready

Richard says are you ready?
Him and Judy
Want to go steady
But she’s locked down already
He thinks it’s petty
He thinks she’s ready

To end the lockdown

There ain’t no vaccine
No antibody test
We ain’t even started track and trace yet
Matt hit his target
But only for a day
By the first of May
It had fallen away

Are you ready?

Are you ready?
To break the two-metre rule?
To go back to work?
To go back to school?
Are you ready?
Does the tube look attractive?
Is it time to be
Economically active?

Are you ready?

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What’s Going to Happen When the Clapping Stops?

You can talk about a target that turned into a boast
You can talk about a test kit that’s still in the post
You can talk about them not controlling the disease
You can talk about them not controlling the economy

You can talk about the hairdressers, talk about the shops
But has anybody thought about
Is anybody talking about
What’s going to happen when the clapping stops?

You can talk about flattening or fattening the curve
You can talk about typically medical reserve
You can talk about passing at least the first peak
You can talk about avoiding media critique

You can talk about the hairdressers, talk about the shops
But has anybody thought about
Is anybody talking about
What’s going to happen when the clapping stops?

You can talk about maybe easing the lockdown
You can talk about the circus that was missing its clown
You can talk about sending the kids back to school
You can talk about suspending the two-metre rule

You can talk about the hairdressers, talk about the shops
But has anybody thought about
Is anybody talking about
What’s going to happen when the clapping stops?

You can talk about your temperature getting on the tube
You can talk about your fellow passenger being true
You can talk about publishing an exit strategy
You can talk about doing it without a vaccine

You can talk about the hairdressers, talk about the shops
But has anybody thought about
Is anybody talking about
What’s going to happen when the clapping stops?

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Rachel on the Radio

You’re just afraid says Rachel Johnson
You’re still getting paid says Rachel Johnson
The risks are low says Rachel Johnson
You’re enjoying furlough says Rachel Johnson

Spaffer’s sister on the radio
She’s proper havin’ a go
Waging class war from afar
It’s a bloody high bar
But I’d rather listen to Farage

My daddy’s brave says Rachel Johnson
You should earn your wage says Rachel Johnson
Yes, I know your mate’s dead says Rachel Johnson
But you must look ahead says Rachel Johnson

Spaffer’s sister on the radio
She’s proper havin’ a go
Waging class war from afar
It’s a bloody high bar
But I’d rather listen to Farage

Would you wear a mask asks Rachel Johnson
Just thought I’d ask says Rachel Johnson

Don’t you know who my brother is
Don’t you know who my brother is
Don’t you know who my brother is

Spaffer’s sister on the radio
She’s proper havin’ a go
Waging class war from afar
It’s a bloody high bar
But I’d rather listen to Farage

And that’s bloody saying something

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Spaffer Fixes Bayonets

Spaffer and Allegra were bright young things
Oxford’s future queens and kings
It wasn’t long ‘til they exchanged rings
But while he was seein’ her
Along came Marina
And Spaffer fixed his bayonet and went over the top

Marina gave him daughters, Marina gave him sons
Lara and Milo were the first ones
Marina must’ve thought that she was the one
But he ain’t that kinda fella
Along came Petronella
And Spaffer fixed his bayonet and went over the top

Marina threw him out but soon had him back
Spaffer must’ve thought it one helluva craic
She’d have more to fend off than a single attack
Because actually
Along came Anna Fazackerly
And Spaffer fixed his bayonet and went over the top

Two more with Marina, Cassie and Theodore
For those keeping count, that makes four
But Spaffer’s lift won’t stay on the ground floor
Soon, along came Helen
And he refixed his weapon
Spaffer fixed his bayonet and went over the top

Helen was the latest focus of his seduction
But when Stephanie was born he tried to seek an injuction
He didn’t want the public aware of their production
And Marina was yet to discover
An as yet unnamed lover
As Spaffer fixed his bayonet and went over the top

‘Cos Spaffer weren’t about to take a break from play
Although rumours of another child remain vague
A subject on which he has little to say
But while he’s still married
Its time to introduce Carrie
And Spaffer fixed his bayonet and went over the top

Now Spaffer’s hoping things with the kids are reconciled
As Carrie is the mother of his latest child
Thinking this must be the end of his days being wild
But the question on everyone’s minds
How long ‘til the next time
That Spaffer fixes bayonets and goes over the top
Spaffer fixes bayonets and goes over the top
Spaffer fixes bayonets and goes over the top
Spaffer just can’t stop

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Sixty Thousand Pounds

Ever wondered about the price of a human life?
Well, Hancock’s finally figured out
How many workers have died
So, if what killed you was a lack of gloves and gowns
You’re worth sixty thousand pounds

Ever wondered about the price of a human life?
Well, if you’re an economist
You should perhaps try
And if you’re killed at work by a government slow to lock down
You’re worth sixty thousand pounds

Ever wondered about the price of a human life?
Well, it’s this evening’s
Press briefing headline
So, if the government fatally let you down
You’re worth sixty thousand pounds

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