Tag: rachel reeves

The New Austerity Inn: The Budget

Rachel likes astronomy, looking at the stars
Imagining that she can see Jupiter and Mars
In the vast expanse of space, she can contemplate her soul
But in the New Austerity Inn
There’s just a black hole

So, Rachel put the price of the beer up
Rachel put a penny on a pint of ale
Rachel put the price of the beer up
But in the New Austerity Inn
It tastes just as stale

Free beer tomorrow says the sign behind the bar
But today, no brandy, no cigar
You can only have what you can afford
And in the New Austerity Inn
The price has soared

You can’t have it if you can’t afford it
It doesn’t matter that she’s already poured it
You said you’d find another pub, but Rachel ignored it
Saying you can’t have it if you can’t afford it

Rachel put the price of the beer up
Rachel put a penny on a pint of ale
Rachel put the price of the beer up
But in the New Austerity Inn
It tastes just as stale

It’s licensee responsible, the alehouse of the possible
This is what it’s like, she says, when grown-ups run the pub
But if the beer is undrinkable, they’ll drink the unthinkable
In the Old Flag up the road, with Nigel and his club

You can’t have it if you can’t afford it
It doesn’t matter that she’s already poured it
You said you’d find another pub, but Rachel ignored it
Saying you can’t have it if you can’t afford it

Rachel put the price of the beer up
Rachel put a penny on a pint of ale
Rachel put the price of the beer up
But in the New Austerity Inn
It tastes just as stale

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The New Austerity Inn: Rachel’s Licence

Happy hour seems like a long time ago

Now it turns out that Rachel didn’t have a licence to run the New Austerity Inn

Don’t worry said the Big Boss from the Brewery
We all make mistakes

And while the beer is stale
and the punters are depressed
they all come in for a warm-up
this time of year

What they gonna do?
Go to the ‘Spoons?

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The New Austerity Inn: Rachel in Tears

Rachel’s in tears behind the bar of The New Austerity Inn. The boss at the brewery has refused to say if he’ll keep her on or not and the local paper’s got hold of the story.

Against all odds, the locals are rallying round. They might not have forgiven her for trying to chase the old folk out who’d just come in for a bit of warmth during the winter, but it’s their pub, nonetheless, and their loyalty means that the books are starting to look slightly better.

The beer is still awful, mind you.

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The New Austerity Inn: The Ramp

Rachel took the ramp away.

“Happy hour is over,” she said. “If you can’t get into The New Austerity Inn unaided, then maybe this isn’t the pub for you.”

Liz, the HR manager from the brewery, nodded in agreement, and suggested shutting the pub during the day. “This is the pub of work,” she said. “People who can work, must work, and shouldn’t be coming in here instead.”

Rachel looked around her. Trade was down and the beer was going sour. “Yes,” she said. “That’s what we’ll do.”

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The New Austerity Inn: Rachel Prepares For War

This pub is on a war footing
Rachel says
We’re gonna have to stand our ground
The pub up west has got a new guvnor
He’s throwing his weight around

So happy hour is over
In the New Austerity Inn
If you’ve got less, you’re gonna get less
If you’ve got less you’re gonna get less

This pub is on a war footing
Rachel says
We’re gonna have to stand our ground
The pub in the east is expanding
Threatening all around

So happy hour is over
In the New Austerity Inn
If you’ve got less, you’re gonna get less
If you’ve got less, you’re gonna get less
If you’ve got less, you’re gonna get less

In the New Austerity Inn
In the New Austerity Inn
In the New Austerity Inn
In the New Austerity Inn

This pub is on a war footing
Rachel says
But we’re still told we need to grow
That one on the house that you take for granted
Is gonna have to go

So happy hour is over
In the New Austerity Inn
If you’ve got less, you’re gonna get less
If you’ve got less, you’re gonna get less
If you’ve got less, you’re gonna get less
I’ve you’ve got less, you’re gonna get less

In the New Austerity Inn
In the New Austerity Inn
In the New Austerity Inn
In the New Austerity Inn

So happy hour is over
In the New Austerity Inn
If you’ve got less, you’re gonna get less
If you’ve got less, you’re gonna get less
If you’ve got less, you’re gonna get less
I’ve you’ve got less, you’re gonna get less

In the New Austerity Inn
In the New Austerity Inn
In the New Austerity Inn
In the New Austerity Inn

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The Billionaires Are Leaving (But They Can’t Take Their Assets With Them, And They Never Paid Tax Anyway)

They’re packing up their space rockets and leaving
Britain is bleeding billionaires
But they can’t take their fixed assets with them
So nobody but Rachel really cares

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Growth

She blames it on the bats
She blames it on the newts
She blames it on the NIMBYs
And their neighbourhood disputes

She blames it on the folk
Who don’t want her to succeed
She blames it on the growth
Of a protected species

She blames it on the planners
And people in The South
She says we look like lunatics
The things we care about

She wants growth
Growth
Growth
Economic growth

She wants growth
Growth
Growth
Economic growth

She wants growth
Economic growth
When did that ever
Make your life get any better

She wants growth
Economic growth
When did that ever
Make your life get any better

She says be more like Donald
Who says everything is great
She says she would be honoured
If he would be her mate

She blames it on the newts
She blames it on the bats
He blames it on the immigrants
Who eat dogs and cats

She wants growth
Growth
Growth
Economic growth

She wants growth
Growth
Growth
Economic growth

She wants growth
Economic growth
When did that ever
Make your life get any better

She wants growth
Economic growth
When did that ever
Make your life get any better

She wants growth
She needs GDP
Without it she’ll have to tax
The super-wealthy

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Untitled (5 August 2024)

It’s happy hour in The New Austerity Inn
And there’s still fighting in town
You can’t have it if you can’t afford it
Rachel doubles down
But two for the price of one
When you ain’t got the price of one
Ain’t helping anyone
And it’s not like she can just print money

It was just the same with George behind the jump
Gets a wry nod from the snug
Now there was a fella with no idea
Of how to run a pub

I spoke to a man who said he was a patriot
But he didn’t like the country much
He said he wasn’t a racist, but
And we really didn’t get past the but
Because he was retweeting Robinson
And Nigel Fucking Farage
A burning hotel in Rotherham
And rioters at large

Sweeping up with a hangover
I hear he got a sympathetic ear
From Nick Ferrari on LBC
GB News and Talk TV

Another bloke said well what do you expect
When people ain’t got a thing
There’s a burning police car outside
And it’s happy hour
In The New Austerity Inn

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Untitled (31 July 2024)

It’s happy hour in The New Austerity Inn
And a fight’s already broken out
If you can’t afford it, you can’t have it
Rachel cries, as another brick flies
And machetes are drawn in the street outside
Someone’s set fire to a police van
Someone’s shouting at Keith with a wreath
Someone says what about the children
A small voice what about the children
But the far right are flying the flag
And Rachel says God Save The King

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Suella & Rachel

Suella dreams of deportation
Traffic to another nation
Cruelty to refugees
Her obsession, how did we
Ever end up here?

Rachel waiting in the wings
Hums the tune Suella sings
Cruelty to refugees
Shadow policy with speed
Don’t ever end up here

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